This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
There is no way you would get me to try and hike the mountains around here..lol, at least not now. My family is doing as well as can be expected, the second to the eldest is in failing health, getting to where he's not going to be able to move without help. The baby is the one with MS and epilepsy, he seems to be holding his own at the moment.
Glenn's family is doing well, his step-mom, well into her 80's is still driving and getting around pretty good, we are worried about her memory though, she seems to be having problems remembering. Her daughter though has moved in with her due to financial problems, so that makes me happy, someone is there with her.
Thank you for your well wishes about the motorhome, your right that I am looking forward to it, the camper has been very nice compared to a tent, but awful hard as far as living space, there ain't any lol...
Ladee, I am a firm believer that the only thing of value that a human has to offer is their word, I expect people to keep theirs. If the person in question offered their word as to doing something, then they should have done it.
I am truly sorry to hear about your nephew, that is so sad.. Try and take it easy, I do hope you are taking a day or two off..
Love ya Ladee
Starry! Yea for you and Glen...have been wondering how you are glad you got motor home! Will be easier to travel.
Dad Did not rest last night...soooo here we go again. He was trying to get up..may have to raise the rail higher tonight.
All of you are in my prayers...
I see that we have lots of new posters, welcome, you've found a good place to be..understanding, concern and wisdom is what you will find here. It's 2AM here in CA, I'm finally starting to get sleepy again, guess that I will lay the head down and see if I can sleep.
Glenn and I are still in CA for at least another month, we've bought a class C motorhome, traded the motorcycle trailer for one that will haul both the bike and the truck, now all we have to do is sell the camper and we will be just about ready to hit the road again..
Jam I hope your feeling better having all that dental work done. I have to go see mine this month not sure what's gonna be said. I know I have to have them all pulled as I have bad teeth but I so don't want to. Not to mention I just don't got the time and hassle for that.
Vic hows mom and dad doing?
Stormy I hope you are getting a break some rest and give little Connor a hug from me. Hope Lil Red gets what he wants for Christmas. Also glad brother is pitching some time in. Good.
Peg honey that just sucks. I would not be a happy camper. Getting your stuff done today will get the other puzzles done when they get here. Peg I have to say though your ornament is coming out very nice even with all the problems I been having with the heat press and the inks. http://lilacorn.net/owalena/pegnative.jpg is only one side the other is just gold with Dec 2011 on it. I am a lil sorry the angel ended up with the ornament hole in its head but not much I could do about that. If I made the picture smaller it wouldn't look right.
Oh Jo if you have too much meat send HERE lol. I love wild meat my dad used to cook squirrel for us. My brother in law's brother used to hunt well he still does and he used to give us big things of venison YUM. He doesn't do that anymore. Speaking of antlers lol I bought mom antlers last year reindeer ones and tey got bells on them. She asked me if we still had them I said yep. Have to dig them out tomorrow. Will take a pic of course and put it on facebook. Did not get the tree today had to cancel the doctors appointment there was nothing I could do. I had no way to get there. Rick has to head to school and after we went grocery shopping with sis I just was NOT in the mood. SO Rick and I will get it Friday. LOL he says hes gonna find the biggest and bushiest cause we got 9 feet ceilings (makes it an itch to heat in the winter)I am doing better and my hands okay as is my wrist just bruised. The colds finally backing off and my belly's feeling mucho better.
Brandy I feel your pain hone. I take care of mom and she is the same with the verbal abuse. Though she feels bad about it later cries hugs me and says sorry. Just a never ending cycle sometimes I just need to walk away. No IDEA how you deal with two!
Ross I am sorry to hear about your little kitten. They are like our children furry ones but still they are. Hugs to you.
Seeme so glad to see you.
Today was a good day and a bad day. Good day as we got stuff done like grocery shopping bad day cause mom was very needy. They wonder why its a task sometimes to get things done well if your charge is calling for you every five seconds it makes it damn near impossible to get ANYTHING done. Finally I got her relaxed listening to her music but still had to run to find out what she wanted. Had to cancel my appointment like I said guess they are gonna drop me. I had no choice I had no ride no way to get there. Sister threw a fit cause she had to take me grocery shopping. Well sorry I couldn't go monday cause I was heaving my guts up. Next month I'll bloody walk! Snow or NOT! Had to go get neice from school, and get back home. Then had to work on getting stuff done cause was havin trouble with the heat press and inks. FINALLY got that fixed. Had a good dinner love fish fillets when I make them at home. Eggs taplia cut up breaded into small squares fried or baked in the oven YUM. Also had summer slaw got to love that. ON the bright side I had a windfall (wish it was money wise) a friend of mine well lets just say she kicked out her hubby for nefarious reasons aks he was cheating on her with her sister (YUCK siblings) well he was an avid photographer. Well he took his camera with him but he left his green screen kit and lamps and all that stuff there. Well she got the house and is cleaning out the closet and found all his stuff. She asked me if I wanted it. HECK yeah!. I can use it to do pictures on my own. Along with having family come over and get their pictures professionally done. YIPEE. Can't wait till it gets here. Still no word from idiot brother and sister. But they should be coming as in my sister here in a week or so to drop off the gifts. We shall see. Anyway sorry if I missed anyone hugs kisses and loves from cold NY and I want some SNOW MISSY send some over here!
Rosella: losing a pet is a difficult thing to experience. Hugs to you as well.
I am blessed with all of your opinions over the frustration I felt toward a caregiver not completing a task in a timely fashion. Today's caregiver was able to help out. He goes more than the amount of cards today and took mom to the bank and took her to the senior center for lunch. I should clarify that Monday's caregiver does nothing more than take mom on errands. That's what she wanted to do when she offered her services until the week of my finals. That was the agreement. No bathing, personal care, cooking, cleaning, nothing. Just errands so she is not doing over an above what a caregiver would do, she is doing what she asked she could do while earning some holiday money. So in the 4.5 hours they were gone all they had to do is buy 21 cards and have lunch (which my mom pays for). That's all. One errand and lunch. My frustration was that a task was assigned and it was not completed as she promised on Friday (four days before when we had coffee together and I explained how I would organize the task for her) it would be. Yes, she must have had her own hidden agenda or problems with following through. Yes it would be nice if my expectations were met. I don't have time to do this, I asked her if she wanted to, she replied "I would love to" and I am allowed to feel frustrated when it didn't get done.
I appreciated the advice and suggestions so that I don't have to put myself in this position again. I can use a website and buy cards, I can ask someone else, I can instill the help of other family members or just don't buy cards at all. This is one of the few things my mom is doing this year. The other thing, a nativity. That's all. We are not cooking, putting up a tree, decorating, no lights on the house etc. Nativity and cards. A dessert potluck is planned so the grandkids don't stay long and mom can rest. I know that I have certain values and dependability is one of my strongest personality traits but seriously if you ask someone to do something and they said they want to do it and they are excited about it and it doesn't get done to completion, yeah, that's disappointing. Because then I had to repeat the whole routine to the caregiver today. Double my work. I think you know what I mean.
I will make changes in the future. I am looking into professional home health care nurses for bathing, personal grooming, meals and transportation for errands. All of those things will not be done on the same day (well meals will be incorporated).
I am going to let this issue die now but I thought maybe some of you were chastising me without knowing the whole story. I appreciate the ideas suggested and the support I received. It is an honor to know you all if only on this site.
I hope you all have had as good a day as can be expected under all the circumstances we are in and all the emotions we feel and safely express on this site.
SDPeg
Ladeeda- much sympathy on the loss of your nephew. We grieve with you and for you.
And Rossellamex for your loss of Nino...pets are some of the best friends and all cats and dogs to heaven, i think.
Emjo-thank you the awesome understanding. You put into words how I feel. I am getting breaks now because Dad can watch Mom and she can still function ok. And I am taking them because I know there will be less of them later. I am meeting giirlsfriends Friday night and going shopping Saturday. I will be tired, but it will be worth it. Mom's primary cancer is lung, the brain tumors are metastised. It makes her a Stage 4, with no hope of a cure. Just balancing treatment with quality of life.
Weird stuff going on here. Mom is super proud of how she handles her meds. Knows them all, writes them down, never misses a dose. But last night she brings me an empty pill bottle and says she took the last one. This is a new med for her because of the chemo, and she doesn't seem to be treating it like her more long-standing meds that she's taken for years. Not sure if she forgot, doesn't understand, didn't care, or is just trying to hurt me. She got refills last week on her other meds but didn't mention running out of this one. I spent the morning calling insurance, re-ordering it, and making arrangements to pick it up. Argh! I'm thinking I need to be watching her meds more closely, but not sure how to approach it without a fight. Not tonight, though. She was is a pretty good mood and I didn't feel like spoiling it.
For others who wrote about coping and taking care of more than one person, keep talking (typing) and letting it out. I already feel better knowing others have been and are in same boat. Hugs.
Life is fragile, people make mistakes, and nothing is permanent... nothing....
I will not be "allowed" to go to his funeral, family dynamics and a sister that had, and still has unreasonable expectations.... because I am not willing to fit into her mold of "should's and aughts".... her idea of how things should be... so all I can hope for here is that my nehphew is in Heaven, knows that going to a funeral is not all there is to grief, that I won't put myself in the postition to be the "bad guy" because even at this most horrible time, it is still about control on her part.... how sad.. it is so sad to me I can't even put words on it... a wasted life, regardless of her accomplishements, because she was and still is, always "on", control and expectations are that important to her... just too sad for words... She has lost her son, and yet we must still "obey".... can only shake my head....
I will grieve my nephew in my own way.... I could care less what others expect,,,, this is MY life, her script is not mine.... her journey is not mine... all I know right now is I am overwhelmed with so many different feelings I am having trouble breathing.... I know that my nephew is gone, at least from this part... and I know my head hurts and I need to cry..... love ya'll...thanks for letting me put my sorrow out to be shared....
I see several have posted last night and this morning........some good, some bad, some sad.....
Ro...so sorry to hear about Nino....he and Nicky were glad to see each other I'm sure. But glad you are able to work........
I just read an article posted here on Aging Care......10 Caregiver Confessions: Secrets We Aren’t Proud Of.......pretty good article.....should be required reading.
SDPeg.....glad you are going to try the website. And sorry you are having problems with the possible dereliction of duty of your care giver......maybe this person was only doing what was asked of them by your mother. Of course just having a hired care giver willing to do that is going above and beyond the normal job description.......we should all be so lucky. This time of year is stressful enough as it is, perhaps this person is dealing with their own personal dilemmas and it was just a simple oversight. Is this person negligent in their care of Mom? If so I can certainly understand your hesitation to have them retained and that would put the burden of more care back on you when you need time for your educational endeavors.
I remember how difficult some days were when I was still caring for the col. I would get so frustrated that I just wanted to sit down and cry......oh wait a minute I did! A very dear friend taught me a simple and humorous way to cope and after I started practicing that it amazed me how much easier it was to deal with the col's ramblings........mentally envision yourself putting your fingers in your ears and going lalalalalalalala......................I guarantee you will walk away with a lighter attitude. We, as family, are doing this job with our hearts.....someone we have hired and brought into our home may start out with their heads, but it won't be long until their heart is also involved, then it becomes such a difficult job sometimes because that is the person who becomes the pivot in your loved ones life. They probably know more in a few months about your loved one than we knew in a lifetime. When our care givers were still here, I made a point of telling them daily how valuable they were and how much I appreciated what they were doing......after all, they were granting me what I was whining for.....a chance to not be the care giver. And when their time here came to an end I realized that they both were now involved with their hearts as well as their heads.
Life is too short to sit around and lament "what should have been" and to let ourselves constantly be under the pressure and burden of care giving. If it's not working, then figure out an alternative........there are other answers. If you have other pursuits in your life, then do the loving thing and find a solution that will make you happy as well as make your loved one's final days happy. And that is not a failure in my book!
I'm climbing off my soapbox now and toward more pain meds........................
Happy Trails Amigos,
Jam
My frustration was the lack of diligence in getting a task done. I guess I expect others to live by my standards and degree of wanting to excel. I am disappointed when others don't live up to my expectations especially when they say "sure I'd love to" and then they don't. It could have been anything ... cards, holidays, being on time ... you know: reliability is not ingrain in all people. That's my complaint. BUT on the flip side, I am sending the male caregiver out today to get some more cards and if he can't read my list (he admits he doesn't read English) he can use his charm on the ladies in the store to help out. He is dependable, reliable, attentive and I trust him to do exactly what I ask him to do (except once he bought me the wrong coffee ... ugh!!!).
SDPeg
lindy - sounds like u have a few suggestions. Patience is such a big factor. Know the doom feeling – lived with it since always – glad u had a better day – another dog sounds good!!! And fresh air always is – blows away the cobwebs and time away is GREAT!
ishmael – looking forward to the signs. Got quite a few since my son died and just before. Sorry your home is in foreclosure –come back when you can. I know this is not an easy time.
stormy – really nothing new is it? Frustrating!!! Hope you and hubby and lil red have some good time together this Christmas and glad bro is putting in some time
notlikemom – boy, cancer in 2 places both critical, is one a metastasis? Please don’t feel guilty – u r not alone is hoping the time is shorter rather than longer – easier for her too. Hard not to walk on eggshells when someone is touchy. Hope you have some breaks –u need them. Walking through a mine field –yeah – no fun. And not doing it right no matter what u do - no fun either. Know the can’t win situation demoralising for u and sometimes u just have to let it go at that – trying doesn’t seem to help and it can be exhausting and demoralising and the complaining gets u down (((((hugs)))) did u get any snow yet?
vic – glad u got some me time, are getting more sleep and will have more time at new years – wow bro had an epiphany!!!
sdpeg –sometimes we need to loosen up a bit about stuff like holidays, cards and presents. One year I was exhausted –working, still had kids at home –could not face wrapping one more present, so I got creative –the plastic grocery bags were red and white – I tossed stuff into them, tied a knot at the top, wrote names on them with a marker and threw them under the tree. I still remember the feeling of liberation, and ya know what - nobody minded. I found out years ago that the sky doesn’t fall in if the cards don’t get sent out on time or ever. Really doesn’t matter whose fault it is or not –think - in 5 years will this matter…
Jam –sounds like u r feeling better – it takes a while – tomato soup YaY!!! Sorry to hear the col has been failing -she as before she went into the NH. Sleep would be good. A three seater and electricity –pure luxury!
mis –hope the antibiotics are working – your deco’s are awesome! Grandma looks so cute as Santa
ros - you sure need some time off – you must be a strong woman to keep going like u do – prayers for a break for u
shawna –rick is a good guy for sure. Glad u r feeling better
ladee –no probs – want to hear the sonnyisms – let fly! And come to think about it G would not be in the sleigh – he would be riding one of the reindeer! Love outhouses - one in your yard is an idea - known many good ones…
brandy – sorry about your pain and the verbal abuse been there – having 2 people with dementia to look after seems like a bit too much to me. Is there any way you could work part time –sounds like they really appreciate you there. Sibs often seem to be hopeless –I have written mine off =I am sorry they give you no support (((((hugs))))) to you too
seeme (and jam) I will ask G about the young bull antlers – might be just about the right size – I will offer to help him clean the skull – this is not the nicest process. (antlers boiling on the stove – need to rework the chestnuts roasting on an open fire song) Maybe he can saw them off and glue them onto hat or something. Bright red bottoms with snowflakes -want a pic!!! And the guys running around in their pj’s must have been a hoot. Hope the headache isn’t too bad
carol – that meanness is so hard to deal with – sharp words I think vic called them. Good to stand up to them. Assisted living will deal with “stuff” Day care sounds good for both of you and a respite too. Let us know how it goes.
asg – aunty is up and down isn’t she? ‘Tis time for a cog test. Mother rips a strip off any doc that tries to do one and accuses them of elder abuse – so far all have caved to her
cmag – hope you are finally dry!
Everyone I have missed – take care and check in
Love, hugs and prayers♥♥♥
jo