The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

Once she saw my hubby she takes his hand and says, you promised me you wouldn't make me live in the lursing home. Tear..tear.. that was kinda it. After we had talked her into staying just one more day, we found her crying and wet, that kinda did it in for me. If that girl woulda just kept her mouth shut, she was wanting to be there, it was her idea, until she found out she could be at home and still get pt. I think she woulda done real well.

You got the prayers!

Another thing, in the hospital, the nurses were like, she's really anxious, im thinking she is like that a lot, everytime she gets into those moods. They gave her ativan to calm her. The nursing home thought the same thing. And after she was screaming down there halls at 2:00 am they got her a script for it. From the dr. That was seeeing her in there. Guess what she wants to change doctors now, and see the same man that doctor here there. I am so ok with that, turns out hes my dr also. Im gonna be giving him a call in the morning and we will be scheduling a visit with him hopefully tomarrow so he can meet her. Please pray this turns out to be a good thing.

Thanks Ladee. I don't know if the girl was fired. But I do know auntie will not be going to that girl to get any pt. Since that girl was so kind as to let her know that she could come home and still see her for her pt, I made sure auntie understood that, it would be crazy to drive to that girl everyday, when her medicare would provide her with someone to come here. At first she said, that the girl told her she could make her all better, I told her she went to the same pt school as all the other pts around here.

One thing I do hope last, is the child like way she is playing with the kids. She's smiling at them talking baby talk to them(it stuns them, they stand still like statues smilng watching her). They were so worried about her, while she was gone, essspecially the one she is the worse to, everydya he asked, can we go see her today?. Of coarse, she hasn't completly changed, she kept asking this same boy if he was going to eat all of everything, every time he gets somthing to eat. And she got kinda, protective of the sherbert we had after supper. Oh well. I wonder if that will last to.

ASG, we must have been posting at the same time... amazing what a little justified anger will do... you are still a sweetheart and I respect you very very much... don't think I could do what you do... so just know you are very loved and appreciated and your actions humble me.... love , angels and lots of hugs.....

I am not getting my notifications, has someone pulled the "plug" on me????
ASG, hope you are doing ok with Auntie,I know you are tender hearted and will not make her stay in the NH if she didn't want to be there... makes it hard on you, but that is who you are, nothing wrong with that..... she won't be here forever and the bottom line is we are all different and can only make choices and decisions based on our own history....Do you know if the PT tech was fired??? She damned well should have been.. or I'd have that girl at my house for PT with Auntie every single day... lord, what a freaky thing to happen, and lucky you ASG... that experiance got to be yours, do you feel specail???? sending hugs to you and the kids... you'll make it fun for the kids anyway... you are something else lady, wish I was as "sweet' as you.....and I really mean that...
Seeme , loved the 'rose' story.... and yes I can see mom laughing at the look on your face when you reallized it was a silk flower.... but what a sweety Mike is for even thinking to put the flower away for you.... hope you are ok as can be... you know I love ya...
More later, gonna get my junk ready for work tomorrow, this weekend wasn't near long enough.... hugs and angels

Eve, everyone. Im still very peed off, and beyond guilt. I just don't care anymore. Im gonna let the "10 secret thoughts cargivers have" run ramped this week. I have no qualms whatsoever of day dreaming im poking a certain nh worker in the eyeball with a ice pick. No I don't have any crazy personality disorders but I may devolp one. By the way emjio very very funny:) Ladee, you need to get some rest woman! Jam....dentist are my phobia but I would let them pull all of mine with no laughing gas in exchange for my current situation. She is suprisingly doing better. I told her if she wanted to walk she was gonna walk, out came the ol trusty gait belt. Somehow in all my anger I mustered up old knowledge of how to deal with rehabilitating helderly and away w e went. Yesterday by night time, I had her walking to the kitchen for supper,with me only holding her for balance, this morning I was holding the gait belt for security purpose only, she was holding all her own wieght. Today I let go and simply stood by. She is even toileting herself with me there of coarse again. Its amazing really and Im proud of her but so so tired. Tonight I caught her in the bathroom all by herself, she started crying and said I promised I wouldn't go alone but you didn't hear me im sorry. I told her no, I think she is capable of doing that now. But she is to still wake me in the night to go, and tonight I will stand by and try to encourage her to use the bedside commode by herself. It seems her mental capabilites have taken a hit as well. Instead of the ocassional crazy comment she is asking me if im gonna start my christmas ham tomarrow, and she keeps mixing up the time of day, she keeps buggering up her check book and tried to give it to me, but she is adding and subtracting correctly so I told her no I would help her but I wanted her to keep doing it. She asked for help paying her medical insurance yesterday, and it took an hour and a half, I was losing patience but at the same time completly blown away at how this simple act for her last week, was an 1 1/2 hour venture. So I sat there hoping it would all click together, she knew what she was doing yet, at the same time didn't have a clue, I can't really explain it. She just keeps fumbling with everything she tries to do, reapetaly goes through her basket over and over making sure its all there. Took all morning for her to inderstand it was Sunday, then when she woke up she thought it was Thursday or friday again. And christmas, she said my chicken was delicious, and wanted to share a bite with everyone. I will admit the porkchops I made were delicious. Finaly I said yes the chicken is good isn't it. I figured it didn't matter what it was Lol. I was combing her hair, she was digging through her basket, I was almost done and I said whatcha looking for honey, she said my comb so you can fix my hair! I simply said well looky here I just found it. I wonder if this will last?

It's me again......watching my Chiefs kick some Chicago Bear's booty.....YES!!!

marianne........I'm glad to have been able to help put a smile in your heart and lighten your burden a little. That's what we are here for. Stick around and visit with us...........we're a terrific bunch!

SDPeg...........good for you for sending guilt packing! We just don't have time for that. I swear, I thought there was only one of my mother, but it sounds like you have her twin.....lol. My parents divorced in 1973, and it was around that time my Dad told me that he always felt like he was raising 6 kids instead of us 5 siblings. My mom liked to be waited on and her last husband did just that....oh my the things I saw him go out of his way to do for her.....but he did love her. She was living in Michigan and had been there for approximately 15 yrs and he dropped over dead from the "widow maker". I was in Fla on vacation and my younger sister, bro and his wife went to Michigan, got in her face and told her she was coming home. If I had been there I would have insisted she stay right where she was. That was her life by then, not here. So they brought her back, moved her in with sis and all she did was bitch because Mom treated her like a baby and wouldn't take care of herself. So they moved her into a senior 4-plex and walked away. And guess who started taking care of her? Even though I lived 20 mi away and worked 24 hr shifts, I am the one who took over her care....GUILT.....I think that's where I learned to hate that word. She was very poor in handling her finances.....she could go to Walmart and spend $200 and have nothing to show for it. See an advertisement....it was on it's way. When she became ill and went into the hospital and we made arrangements to move her to a NH I found a motorized scooter she was making payments on, large and regular prints of the same hardback books, cookbooks and magazines out the whazoo!!!! I moved her into the same home the col is in now and even there she wanted to be waited on. I felt no guilt and there were days when I would go without seeing her. Sometimes you just have to do that. The same with your mom.....even though you live together, you have to set boundaries or you will drown. I bet she's fine after spending a day without being waited on, especially when whatever you put out for her goes to the trash. It sounds like she is capable of taking her meds all by herself. And yes, they do indeed need to be pushed sometimes to use that brain. Target will still push at the col to make her think......use it or lose it! I finally stopped talking to the col until she put her ears in...........why scream and make her think it's okay for her to not wear them? Stick to your plan.....you're doing a terrific job!

Hope the rest of this wagon train checks in today.....................hint hint hint

Happy Trails,
Jam

Hi all,
"Guilt" came to visit me during the night but I escorted "guilt" out of my mind and went back to sleep. Yesterday I forgot to lay out mom's breakfast with her pills. Although her meds are important they are not for serious health issues. She takes only 2 rx'ed meds and the rest are vitamins. I also know that one day of not taking these is not a major event. I left for the day to take my car in and to study with a friend. I arranged for caregiver to take mom to church and dinner in my absence. Caregiver called saying mom is not answering the door, phone, banging on windows etc. I happened to be a block away and went into the house and mom was lounging. I told her caregiver was here, let's go, and she told me she wasn't feeling well and didn't want to go. After studying all day I laid down as well. When she came in to talk to me about my car she didn't have her hearing aids in and I just could not muster enough energy to yell my answers to her. She said she would be right back to hear me after putting aids in. She returned an hour later, I was asleep and she said "good night" and I guess went to bed because I know I went back to sleep. "Guilt" visited accusing me of thinking only of myself, how did I leave without laying out breakfast, did I enjoy my lunch in between studying while mom sat her all day without eating? You know I could add more. I told "guilt" to go away as I do the best I can and if one day I forget or have to rush off or enjoy a lunch with a friend while mom doesn't eat, that's ok. You see, even if you put a plate of food in front of my mom, she will eat very little. Although she has always been a light eater, and perhaps she has had an eating disorder her whole life, I cannot change what she does. A small plateful of food goes into the trash or disposal while I am not looking. Ensure gets poured down the drain if I turn my back for a minute. Or I find Ensure bottles in cabinets or the freezer. Don't get me wrong, just because she doesn't eat nor want to does not excuse me from not laying breakfast out. (I used to lay lunch out but she wouldn't eat it during the day so I don't anymore.) I just forgot with everything else on my mind and when "guilt" visited it did take a while to escort "guilt" out of my mind but I did. I didn't argue. I didn't get that sinking feeling in my heart. I just said: "it is what it is and I can't change it. I will have to be more mindful in the future." This morning she will eat breakfast, take a bath, and hopefully she will be in better spirits as we have tickets to go see my granddaughters in a play. The tickets weren't cheap (well for my budget) and therefore we are going. I have to drive her car (which I don't like driving because of negative comments she made years ago about my driving which were unfounded) and perhaps I will borrow it for one week of school. It is a big cadillac and I am hopeful I can find a parking space big enough at school that I can maneauver into. I am so used to my small car. But I can't miss this week nor the following week. I am certain the repairs to my car will be nothing as it is the transmission and that rebuilt one is still under warranty. I won't know until Monday. I cleared everything out of my car (I thought) but can't find my bluetooth. Oh well, one week of not talking while walking to classes will be ok. I have to focus on my studies anyway.
We talk alot about guilt and fear and all and I just want to say that any other time I would have gone deeper into the "guilt hole" but last night I didn't. I reminded myself I am human, I make mistakes, this is not detrimental to her health (one day for her health without meds won't make that much of a difference; someone with greater health concerns it may have and others with huge health concerns it would have).
This morning I am having her put her hearing aids in before asking me anymore questions. My voice is sore from studying (asking questions, answering questions) and I just cannot keep repeating (you know what i mean).
The boundaries I set with my mom are ones that will enable she and I to move forward in order to enjoy a healthy relationship. If I don't set these boundaries on a daily basis sometimes our relationship will be one-sided and that's not what I want. I know some days she needs help with this and that and the memory does not cooperate. I also know, as my mom, that she has played the helpless role most of my life. My job is to determine if this "help me"/"poor me" person standing in front of me is the helpless mom of the past or the one in the present who really needs assistance. Some days I just can't tell. Other days I point her in the right direction and walk away and let her figure it out. My therapist said it is ok to allow her to struggle so that she does use her brain and it doesn't atrophy. I like that. The more I do, the less she has to do, and then THE MORE I DO. We all could learn a lesson in that.
Well onto breakfast and morning meds and a bath and we are out of here. We have two hours to do all this ...wish me luck!!!
SDPeg

Thank you Jam for your response. It has helped alot. I will treasure the quote 'God places them in limbo to ease their passage'. It is amazing that it takes another person to tell us what we know, but can't accept. I believe you have made me realise that reality is hard but can still be enjoyed. I wish you well. My heart is now lighter and I am smiling. x

Good Morning Posse!
Hello to all my sister and brother friends........................

Will see how much I can write while I still make some sense....lol. Each day of healing is one step closer to feeling better. Did a saltwater rinse earlier and it felt so good....isn't it amazing how the little things mean so much?

Welcome to our new posters.........

marianne.....I always thought it was interesting that people would want to know how my mil was getting along, but never asked me how I was holding up. Without us there wouldn't be all this care going on! And it doesn't matter if it's in the home or not. Since I wrote the initial post of this thread we have had to place my mil in a NH. Best thing we could have done. It was getting to the point where physically I couldn't lift her and she couldn't get herself up. We bought several different devices to help make life easier for her but she couldn't mentally grasp the concept of them...cane, walker, lift chair. So after a fall, we decided to place her. Nursing homes, by whatever name they want to call themselves, exist for a reason........I have always thought of them as a "holding area"......and as long as a loved one is in one, yes they will probably die there. In the end, I don't think they know where they are........I have always felt that God places them in "limbo" to ease their passage. I wish there was a way to snap my fingers and you would no longer feel guilt. That's a word that I think has no place in the world of care giving. It's okay to take the steps you have taken, does the guilt come from having a life, wanting to enjoy your family? So many think they "owe" their parents....really? I would like to think that my parents didn't bring me into this world solely to be their care giver in their old age. I took care of the col (crazy old lady) for 2 years and the anger and resentment and frustration grew daily because of her limitations, and my physical limitations; my husband/her son and I lived like hermits. If we wanted to go out to eat we packed her up and took her with us only to listen to a running diatribe of "that looks like a fun place to shop" "oh, look at that store, I wonder what they have"....now that she is in a NH, I find that I enjoy her company again. I can sit and visit with her without having to change a dirty diaper, or have her argue about wanting to go out and shop, which she couldn't do. And we can have a life knowing that she is being taken care of. I have the best of both worlds now and I don't have room for any kind of guilt. Come and visit with us and let us know how things are......

We'll leave the light on for all................................

I've about pushed myself past my limit for today, so a nap is in order and I will check back later.

Happy Trails,
Jam

Hello to all my sister and brother friends........................

Missed ya Vic, and very happy to hear you got time away with hubby, know it wasn't long enough. Let us know what dads hematologist says.... love ya...
Feel much better today... slept very good. It is raining here today so know it will be a restful day... I have had tachycardia before , three times over the past 10 years, it is always stress related, but will get my doc to look into the thyroid... to tell ya'll how I never relax, as the RN was trying to get the line started in my arm, he kept telling me to relax my arm... I have been to this ER for another tachycardia episode and my brokent leg, so I knew the RN... he is a riot, gets you laughing, my kind of humor... anyway, after he got the line started he said, ok now you can wave your arm around, I did and flipped him the bird, he started laughing and asked the Dr. if he had to treat patients that flipped him off??? So ladee will be ladee under any circumstances....
But do feel better and that's good... will get my prescription filled and hopefully this new med will keep it under control...
will get caught up and get back with ya'll in awhile...hugs and angels...

Hi all..have missed you guys but you all have been in prayers. Got a few days away with hubby and this last week has been much better. Don't feel as crazy! Mom and dad are as good as can be. Dad has been much more tired again. Ok days and not so ok days. He is through with therapy for awhile! He was happy about that but it did I'd him good. He is going to see a hematologist in a Opel of weeks about all his anemia blood issues. Maybe doc will be able to give him something to perk him back up. One never knows right?!
Missed boo koodle posts I see.... Hope and pray everyone is best as can be. Talk to you all later.

Jam and Ladee- I hope you both feel better tomorrow!!!
Welcome newbies... Love and hugs stormyyyy...

Thyroid - make sure they're checking your "Free T3" and "Free T4" as well as a regular thyroid profile (which is normally TotalT4,T3uptake and TSH).

nicotine and caffeine with stress could do it.

I am concerned about the thyroid as i had it for years and they didn't pick it up as i am borderine by their standards. By my body full blown. Finally I looked up all the symptoms and had 19 out of 20 of hypo at that point (am sure i was hyper earlier as I lost weight and had palpitations and couldn't sleep for the better part of a year) - anyway my doc said i wasn't hypo and I told hm i was, i needed meds and he was going to give them to me - and he did and was surprised how much I needed and things have been a lot better since though i need to check it regularly . I had palpitations with hypo too and couldn't sleep . If I hadn't known, they would not have treated me and i might be dead by now. My mother's mother died around my age and I think she had untreated thyroid by all accounts. It runs in families.
(((((((((hugs))))))

concerned for you - lady!!!!

Yes emjo, this is the third time it has happened, I don't think it is thyroid, I've had blood work in the past few months and nothing showed up... it is just stress, then not eating right because of the stress, then not sleeping good, blah blah blah... ER doc gave me verapamil this time to take daily... it's the shot I hate.... if you've never had one it's hard to exlplain what it does to you when your heart is beating like that... I hate it, it hurts my whole body....
I need a vacation, just like everyone else on this thread..
I'll be ok, hugs to everyone and thanks for your concern.... hugs and angels...

I am here gang not gonna post much just kind of tired. Spent the day with sister and brother in law and mom at the mall. Mom was good she really was. Sneaky bugger though cause I thought she had my sisters to buy for (we are doing to ornaments) She said she needed so much amount of money ... I said okay got it off the ATM. Started to push her sister said nope you go do your shopping I got mom. come to find out sis took us to the mall so she could buy my Christmas gifts. She was so proud of herself over that. Then we went to Golden Corral for dinner. Now we are just tired here. Working on more things to do but I think its going to be an early bedtime for both of us. Moms already got her meds and I am just ready to sleep!

((((((((((((ladee)))))))))))) -has this happened before???? I had it when my thyroid was off - with you losing weight maybe yours is off. Depending on the doctor they may not recognize it and the old norms for lab values are not good enough and some use the old values. I lost weight too and had racing heart.
huge (((((((((((hugs))))))) you don't need this!!!1

Evening everyone, I just got back from the ER, Tachycardia, I hate hate hate the shot they have to give me to stop my heart, anyway, hours later, I am back home... am very tired... will check in with everyone tomorrow and get caught up, am just going to go to bed and cry, another damned bill to figure out how to pay..... love , hugs and angels to ya'll.

after all the heavies here is a little fun -

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and... Trees and.....
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
11. Passive /Agressive - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away)
12. Depression - Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

((((((((marianne))))))) - unload all you like - that is why we are here, Sounds like you have a very difficult situation and some pretty self centered parents. Not a meal?- oh my goodness, if I counted the meals I gave my adult kids and their sig others.... If I were you I would limit contact to give yourself a break. I have to do that with my mum - see post above - who has a personality disorder. It is just too stressful and she is on an ALF and basically fine though she wants me busy each day "doing" things for her, I live in another city (her choice to move to where she did) so it is easier in some ways to get emotional distance. My mother is extremely negative and critical and i can't stand much of it - she always has been. Dear one, you have to protect yourself. Take the time you need for yourself - to do the things you want to with your family and for yourself. Sounds like they are safe where they are - and let go of the guilt. You don't deserve it. Some parents use fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate their children (FOG - thanks cmag). None of these are good to have around. Sounds like your sibs are about as helpful as many - NOT! First of all love and take care of yourself and let some of that other stuff go - not easy, I know but doable. (((((((hugs))))) come back and vent again - it helps
jo

(((((((hugs)))))) wanna - if your my has NPD and maybe MPD and dementia I don't suppose you can convince her of much - after all, she knows it all. My mum has BPD with a big dose of narcissism and I don't know anything - never did, never will, She has even taken my advice in the past and then told me I was no help to her. I have also had the story about her being older than me - yes mother and you always will be! It doesn't mean I don't know anything. I still don't know how to negotiate things with her - they don't want to negotiate - they want to be in control. It all all about control and being the center of attention. And she does not have any dementia. A few times I have taken a hard line and got my point across - it was simply - no I won't do that. Of course that makes me the rotten daughter, but I am that most of the time anyway so whatever! There is a bottomless pit of neediness that can never be filled. Narcissists need attention -called narcissistic supply (NS) -and will go to great lengths to get it. They are extremely frustrating to deal with - not to speak of the hurt and wasted energy. Can you talk to her doctor or other professionals about her safety? Document time and place and incident. When you have accumulated enough they should listen to you and the decision may not be in your mum's hands any more. I presume the previous diagnosis was documented. I do think you have to rely on others as your mum will not become more reasonable as time passes. In the meantime be on the look out when you go for a walk! (((((hugs)))) come back and let us know how it is going
jo

Hi Jam and to those that answered and to those that will read this.............It is unusual to be asked 'how we the carer are getting on?'. Isn't it sad to know that the carer is usually the one to suffer more and yet there is support outside in the community, but is it enough? I have just started to go to a support group and although the people are nice, I find myself listening to their sad stories and cannot off load mine. I have even started to receive counselling, but I don't benefit from this. I asked myself 'what would help me'? and to this day I still don't know.
Well actually I do, and that would be for everything to be normal. My Mum is in a Nursing Home which I can't accept as I always feel guilty that she will one day die there, but I know I can't have her live with me as she cannot walk and has dementia, which means that I would have to hoist her every 20 minutes to the toilet as she request it that often and basically do everything for her, I would not be able to go out at all and have no time for my husband, daughters and grandaughter and at the age of 49 I feel I can't do this. On top of this my Dad is in hospital and has been for the past 3 months, he is not really ill, but the hospital is now arranging for him to go into a home. So I take my Mum to see him and it is awful. I think Dad has the start of Dementia and can barely walk now. They are both very negative when they speak and I feel like I am going to faint at times with the stress of it all. I feel that I eat, sleep and breathe problems from my parents. My dad has always been so selfish and Mum has let him be the boss, so I do feel resentful knowing I have to do so much and received so little from them. I never got a wedding present from them or a meal once I married. They always came to my house for dinner and be fussed over. My other sisters and brothers don't really bother or care about them as they say they weren't there for them. You did ask how are we getting on and perhaps my answer explains why other people don't want to know how we are because the answer is long, boring and something that they have not got time for. Sorry to burden you readers with this, but I needed to off load my clogged up head to make room for more emotional upset tomorrow. Onwards and upwards!

How am I doing? ARRRRRGH !!!!!!! (Read my latest question about 'not being old enough....)

take it easy, jam - all that had to be stressful and you will heal better! :)

Thank you CMag........time for another nap.....:)

Jam, Take care mother hen! :)

Good Morning Posse!
Just a short note to let everyone know I'm alive and barely kicking...........ahhhhhhh gotta love pain medication. 4 teeth extracted yesterday morning....instead of an hour it took 2. I don't numb well on the bottom and wouldn't you know that's where they all were. I'm trying to catch up on my email so will probably have more to say later....but will nap first I think. My thoughts are with all of you today....I worry about my "chicks"!

Happy Trails,
Jam