The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

Hey ya'll. a very long day, will answer the great question Jam asked, tomorrow... love ya'll , hugs and angels...

My Mom has a temper, If i say anything trying to be helpful, she slams doors and stays i her room. she wears the same shift every day, gets her hair done and leaves it up for a month. She won't change her bedding and if I suggest it she gets made at me. Some days it's hard to even look at her without getting angry. I've lived here for a year, How do I hold my tongue and keep peace

Jam, you raise a very good point.

My wife shared with me what one book says about codependency.

There are two types. First are the narcistic (takers) who demands that we only meet their needs and without us doing so, they will not be happy for their needs are more important than yours. Sound like anyone's parents?

Second are the care giving codependents who need to be loved or feel needed to feel good about themselves or feel happy to the extreme that their own needs are not important. I hear this from folks who say they are now trying to get their mom to be the loving mom they never were by showing them a lot of love in their old age. Sound like anyone we know?

I think there is a possible question beneath your questions, Jam, that is the title of a book Must I give up me to be loved by God? I don't think so nor do I think God will shame us by asking why did you destroy yourself? Then, I think as Revelation 21:4 puts it every tear will be wiped away.

However, I could see God asking some now why are they destroying ourselves out of loving conviction. Such a question serves no purpose at the end though in my opinion, plus getting to heaven is not a matter of our works anyhow for we cannot earn God's love, but we can experience it as a free gift of his grace in Jesus Christ whose birth we celebrate at Christmas.

And as I think I've said often on several threads, I don't think God expects anyone to leave their spouse and children in order to cleave to their elderly parent until death do they part. As adults we can always change our minds about the promises that we made in the past when we did not really know just how hard taking care of some elderly parents can be. Yes, we are to be responsible for their safety and care, but that does not mean we have to do it all personally ourselves.

Anyhow, as the apostle Paul said somewhere in the NT, our present trials are nothing compared to the glory yet before us (my paraphrase).

I don't know if I should close this with happy trails or happy trials?

SDPeg, I love your post and wish you well in your finals.

Ok, enough preaching to the choir for today. I'll return to my cave and hibernate some more. :) (not really) BTW, our kitchen roof leaked one ___ more time and it poured in this time. The roofing people will fix it again at their expense. I'm ready for something to be completed and fixed for so many other things remain up in the air so to speak.

Stormy I lnow exactly what you mean, I have missed so many things the last year, with the kids, I have lost touch with the school, I'm always coming across a note I got a week ago about somting that needed done then. I try and try but some things go to the wayside. I didn't have hardly anyytime to school shop this last year, so it felt like they wernt ready, I forgot to take the boys to get haircuts till it was almost to late, and I forgot to do dental appt. Before school started. So now we are off on those. I always took them in the summer than again during christmas break, now its to late to get them in for that. The appt. Take almost a whole day so setting all up has to be done way ahead of time. Anyways, all I can hope for now is that somehow they gain somthing from it. Hubby and I used to say we wanted a big family cause I always felt sorry for little ol ladies who had no one. I've changed my mind. I don't want any one of them taking that on so that the rest can set back and do nothing. So my arrangments will be different. Love you all.

Guess I lost my last post. Jam we did get that, and it does work. Not sure why mine reads that way, the forms were given to us by the dr. Office. Talked tl her this morning, she said she wants to come home but may need therapy. And guess what she wants me to do??? She wants me to bring the kids up to see her. I'm shocked. I'm going to take them to if she is still there tomarrow. They are going to send a cardiolgist to see her. That's all I know for now.

Jam- You hit the nail on the head with that post. There have been so many times that I have felt cheated out of time with connor while he was still a baby. Times that i was so short tempered with connor having to deal with him and daddy over here everyday for hours on end. Times that i would yell at him when he was only being a little boy( a wild little boy) but still I feel guilt over the times that i was short with him. And it was not his fault, i was just so stressed out from being over here so much that i took it out on him. And when we got home it was like a weight had been lifted and i was able to play with him and not be so on edge with him. I was all the time telling him to watch his tv, be quiet, don't wake up papa, because i would want dad to go to sleep so i would have a break from him telling me to do stuff to him. Then with me and hubby- we have fussed more in the last 20 months of our marriage than we ever have about others not doing their part with helping out with dad. It even came to a time where we were talking about separating because we both were under so much stress and i was so depressed that i didn't know what else to do. I felt guilty for putting my own family in this predicament of not being able to do things with them for having to go sit with dad. I was just so lost as to what to do to make things better for everyone. That i just didn't know which way to go. Thank God we decided on the new hours for me (The schedule) and me and hubby were able to work through our problems. We still have spats about others not doing their part but we get through it. But this caregiving i feel has cost me time with connor and i feel that it could have cost me alot more. Love and Hugs Stormyyyyyyyy

Hi lindy...........yes, doesn't it seem like we have to wear many hats when care giving? Why the tears and agitation? That is just part of the symptoms of the aging....as much as we would like it to go away I imagine that mom's mind is very frustrated that she cannot do what she once did and unfortunately for you, unable to express those feelings.

Good responses ladies! I can feel my horns getting a little longer............

So for those who cannot say "no".........the only people who really understand the situation are those in a like situation? But couldn't it be said that the ones who DO say "no" understand a lot better than we do and they are not willing to give up their whole sense of "self"? Or does that make them self-absorbed and guilty of vanity? And don't we all feel "used" and "abused" when we sit without a life while those naysayers around us are living theirs? Over the past 2 years, there have been countless times I have felt used and abused...and I won't lie and say differently.
Peg......you bring up some good points......everyone has to decide for themselves what they are or are not willing to give up. And having someone say "I'm thinking of you" helps a lot...........but when you are on the 10th diaper full of pingo for the day, or answered the same questions 20 times in an hour, or stumbling from 1 hour of sleep, or just told your best friend AGAIN that you have to pass on their company, or crying on your husband's or wife's shoulder for the umpteenth time.........is that truly a blessing? Are you truly "living"? Or are you the one just existing because you couldn't say no? I'm using YOU as a general term here.....:)

After the care giving life is over can anyone honestly say they never, not one time, resented the choice they made or the choice they were stuck with? I don't know about the rest of you, but my parents did not raise me with the knowledge and intent to be their care giver. I suppose you could say that is a moot point, since both of my parents voluntarily placed themselves in homes. Those who are trained in the care of the elderly can do just as good a job as we can, or can they? Or do they make the rest of us look like inept buffoons? Does it really make a difference to the care "receiver" where they are when they are so far advanced that one place is the same as another? Does there ever come a time when you finally say no? Or do outside influences "shame" us into thinking it's okay to lose ourselves? And at what price? So many lose time with children that can never be regained, some suffer physical injuries, marriages suffer, careers put on hold or lost completely...........when does it become "ok"?

Happy Trails,
Jam

Having a OK day, mom has had crying spells, and I do not know why she gets them, frustration, anxiety? I motivate constantly, you can do this, move your feet, stretch those muscles, I feel like a coach.

I am re-reading my post and I would like to say that the first "smart" is very different from the second "smart"....

You are smart ladies, ladies!
These are my 2 cents: the smartest one are definitely the lazy siblings. But I think we can't do it otherwise: we have a sense of duty, or a sense of right and wrong, which pushes us toward certain choices in life. I have very confused ideas about God - what or who he is - but I think that if you do something good in life, even if it is irrational and maybe useless, it can't be bad for yourself and your soul!
Ladee.... I am happy you have Sonny's daughter by your side.

Jam: as someone who is back to school at a university with a double major and maintaining at least a 3.0 GPA ... trust me I have asked myself those same questions. Who is the smart one? is my favorite nagging question. So the smart ones, in my opinion, are we who reach out to those with empathy. Those that have walked away will have to account for not being present and available to the elderly (a Biblical issue, yes) and those that are hungry, cold, thirsty etc. We are accountable to the same things. We have answered the call differently, we have said YES. And yes, we are hungry, angry, lonely, tired, etc and also we are gifted in what we do. No one else can do what we do. Exhausted? Sure ... any job taking care of someone else is exhausted (after 15 years of child care I can attest to that), any job that requires the heart to feel so deeply is heart wrenching when the loved ones are ill or die. WE are bonded together with a compassion that exceeds the others' compassion. With that being said, we have to be sure we are not being used and abused by our loved one we care for AND family members. WE have to be intelligent enough to set boundaries, say no, say HELL NO, and know it is ok. WE have to take vacations (I am planning one for August, 2012 already!!!), sleep, drink fluids, eat healthy, care for ourselves as we care for others.
And WE are the smart ones for knowing this group will hold us up when we are falling down, cheer with us when we celebrate, cry with us, laugh with us, give advice or admonition when needed. That's what makes us so intelligent. WE know WE cannot do it alone. I am thankful for this group, for this particular post, for the questions you, Jam, have posed as I will be pondering those for a while. Wonderful questions we all answer according to our own personalities, situations, and where we are in life. God bless you for posing these inquiries and ASG yes, we do deserve happiness in our lives and if that means divorce (I did that ~ was shocked by the loving support of my Catholic mom in 1979) or walking away from our responsibilities to save our own lives, I agree, we must do that knowing God and those around us who love us will not judge us and will support us.
I know I promised my Mom that I would be here for her but am I? Even when I am at home I am doing homework, watching tv, on the computer because she goes to bed early or does she go to bed early because she thinks I am too busy for her? Complicated. But to be honest, when the day comes that her doc says she wants to place her because she honestly cannot take care of herself I will be happy because my Mom deserves to live life NOT a hostage to her dreams to stay in her house. She mopes all day, goes from one room to another, sleeps all day ... that's not life. I know this last paragraph I will not be judged for by anyone in this group. I know I will be judged by sibling(s) that feel I should give up my education and stay home with my Mom as one of them said that when my Dad was ill. No one else is giving up THEIR lives and they could: one is on disability and one is close to retirement (and looking outside of CA to live ~ I agree it is expensive BUT Mom is here and needs care) and I am the only one "with a life" and I plan on keeping it.
You all are blessings more than you will ever know.
Thanks Jam for the words of encouragement to pass my finals. It has been a roller coaster ride, I hope I do well, these next two weeks will be brutal. I appreciate your kind thoughts.
Thanks for reading all of this. I hope I explained myself well. I love you all. Hugs from San Diego. SDPeg

Jam, you make a good point. We always think by doing this it is the right thing to do, it probably is but it sure comes with a hefty price. A wise man asked me one time if I thought my grandmother(who I looked up to) would be angry and punish me because I couldn't keep up with a horrific marraige and was getting a divorce(my question was if my divorce was a sin to me) I said well no of coarse not she didnt want me living like that, he said well then why would God want you to live like that? If your grandmother a human didn't want that for you why would God not have as much love and for you as she did! Good point! So you could probably look at it the same. When they no longer have the mental facilties to care...and it is financially possibl.
e...why should you. Just step into a new role and love them, make sure the peple who are taking care of them are doing their part

Good Morning Posse!

EMERGENCY cow pattie on it's way to ASG!!!! Just don't hurt the nice doctor.......I think you are at the point in Aunt's care where you are going to have to bypass her to get your information. It sounds like her brain is living in the present sometimes, in the past others, and with dementia who knows which story is true? You won't get the facts from her. When she is better and back home, go to your attorney and have him/her draft a Durable Power of Attorney, have Aunt sign it, tell her this is ONLY so you can step in if she can't answer questions, and be done with it. I know we have discussed this before, but a physician doesn't need to sign one in order for it to be valid. This is making you nuts when she can't tell you what's going on.....and let's face it, you are the one who is ultimately responsible for her since she lives in your house. If it's any consolation, the night before last, 2 hours after taking the col back to the NH, she didn't remember being in the hospital, didn't remember me picking her up and taking her back, and last night when we asked her where she is, she said she was in the hospital and waiting to eat breakfast....at 8:30 at night......like we are the confused ones!

ladee......you will read this when you get home so I hope you were able to catch a nap this afternoon. I'll put my feet up for you later, how's that?
emjo......anyone heard from her? This is unusual for her not to be here........will be checking on her..........
Ro...you're working too hard sister.................
Vic and Maya and CMag have been in hiding...........
Shawna is busy making ornaments...........
Stormy..........is shopping for lots of toys............
seeme......is being a lady of leisure when Kathy leaves her alone and quits chasing her with decorations................
And of course starri is lying on a beach in CA
SDPeg..............is going to pass her finals..............
And anyone else I have failed to mention, it's not done on purpose....I can say I haven't had enough coffee yet.

So many right now are going through rough times, myself included only mine isn't so much with the anguish of dementia, and asking questions because of being tired and worn out...........can I play devil's advocate for a minute? So many want to know why siblings don't step up and lend a hand and leave all the care to one person. Sometimes I wonder just who is the smart one in this equation? After it's all said and done, the person doing the caring is broken mentally, spiritually and physically.....sometimes finances have been depleted, jobs lost or given up, homes lost or given up, friends lost, medications taken for depression and any other number of maladies. Those siblings who refused to get caught up have gone on their way with their lives intact. There comes a certain point in this aging decline where the loved one no longer even knows where they are, they don't know the care giver, they don't even know what planet they are on, the care giver is trained to catch the bodily excrement from one end or the other, we have to play nurse, doctor, psychologist, pharmacist, mind reader...........is all that going to make a difference when we are standing with our resume in hand and telling God "see what a good person I was"? Or is he going to look at us and ask "why did you do this to yourself"? I wish I could say that care giving was 100% satisfying and worth every minute.....but I would be lying...........so who really is the smart one?

Everyone on this thread is intelligent and has something worthwhile to say.......so what do you think?

Happy Trails,
Jam

Morning ya'll, need to leave in a few minutes to go to work. Marie has her blood transfusion in Austin today, is going to be a long tiring day for her... Sonny and I will just lounge all day... when it gets warmer we will go outside if he feels like it.... will check in with ya'll later this evening..
For all of you experaincing loss, extra prayers for you today... for those of you who are tired, I pray you get a nap, for those of you who are depressed, I pray for a light at the end of the tunnel.... hugs to you all this morning, and angels to help you carry your load...

ASG, what in the world is going on??? Guess you will have to call the Dr. or be there when he comes in... I have always said if I get that bad, take me to the vet and have me put to sleep, I do not want to be in the hospital. The same kind of mixed messages and confusion happened one time when my dad was in the hospital... told the nurses to get his paper work ready, I was having him transfered to another hospital, THEN they started talking and making sense, got ahold of the Dr. I was able to talk to him and find out what was going on.... and they make us out to be the impatient or crazy family member that thinks we should have all their attention....NO, just tell me what is wrong, how is it going to get fixed and what can I expect....... it's really very simple.... sorry you are getting such mixed messages.... and please let us know when you find out what is really going on with Auntie..... it is a shame we have to get stupid with the "professionals", but it is what it is.... hugs to you, and get some rest....

callme- So sorry for your loss. I hope you will be able to get some much needed sleep now. And as for your sister, I have no idea how she let you go 8 years without coming in to give you a break from your grandmother. I guess these siblings of ours think their tail won't get old one day and then who is going to be there to look after them. My heart hurts for you(Cmi). I'm sure this is going to be a big adjustment for you to not have someone to look after. You deserve some much needed rest Friend. Love and (((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))Stormyyyyyyyyyy.......

Ishmeal sorry for your loss, you've done well now get some rest.

Can I have an emergency cow pattie??? I need one to splat in the face of those nurses who keep giving me conflicting info.

Last night was told uti, she didn't really look any better today, she kinda had this weird psst. Noise when she would breathe into her 0xygen and was breathing kinda fast. I missed the Dr. Today, got a call from her saying she had a stroke. But couldn't remember anything else, so I called nurses, who read her mri and told me no new stroke. They were all old ones. Said she must have heard him say that and took it as she had a new one. Said she was a little not confused but disoriented which is common for elderly from being in hospital. She said some enzymes showed up in her blood work, but they really didn't have any news as to her severe weakness. Said they were treating her chf, trying to lower her bp. I said so its prob the uti then? Nurse says she dosnt have a uti. What? That's what I was told yesterday. She said they must have just suspected that because that is the first suspicion when an elderly comes to hospital with weakness. Told me she had blood in her urine, but no bacteria. What??? Her bp is up,her oxygen is low,sugar up,pulse up. But no infection? I'm confused.

CMI......so sorry for your loss. I cared for my mom for 5 yrs and just lost her in Sept. Please take time for yourself. You will have an adjustment period and time that may be hard to fill for a while. You've done your job.............

get some rest if you can, stay warm, vit C, soup, and warm socks....

ladeeda that sounds good but it'll have to wait until I get over this cold first before I go out and make some snow angels.

Smiley, sorry you feel so lousy... I hate getting a cold, but you are asking if I want to come play in the snow, UH, NO THANK YOU... that's why I live in Central Texas.....How about you take a pic of you making a snow angel and post it on FB and we'll just tell everyone it is me... how's that sound????
When I lived in Williams, Arz. I loved the snow, but I didn't have to get out and go to work and drive in it. That's the part that freaks me out, no, staying cooped up for days would drive me insane....
And liked what Shawna said that we were going to have a GREEN Christmas... and we are... have been getting enough rain that everything is all pretty and green...That's a Christmas color isn't it.... ok then....
hugs to everyone this evening..
CMI, hope we hear from you tonight... we are all thinking about you....

CMI sorry for your loss. Like Jam said you need to take some time to yourself now.

Shawna good to hear from you and that you had a good holiday.

Well the rain finally turned to snow. First one of the season. Yipee!!!

emjo and I are going out and making snow angels...lol
Any one else want to join us? Shawna, ladeeda, Jam, seemeride, ro, stormy, sdpeg, cmag, and any one else I forgot?

Grandma's mind is getting worse. Last night she had to ask on how to turn on her bathroom light on. There's some nights that she'll tell us that she doesn't know where her bed is or where the bathroom is. When she looks for Daisy she know exactly where the basement is. I just don't understand it.

I've caught a cold with sore throat and running nose along with the cough. I feel terrible.

Good Evening Posse!

Trying to get caught up on everyone's posts.

CMI.......so sorry to read that Grandma has passed. Angels and hugs are sent to you. I hope you will be able to take some time soon for you and start to heal from your care giving life.

I had a whole lonnnnnngggggg post written and it got taken from me again, so I will try and duplicate it later, right now my mind is too tired from the first version. I hope everyone has had a good day and I will check back with y'all later.

Happy Trails,
Jam

Thanks Ro, he is doing much better today, not dizzy, but easily confused, after shower, getting dressed , and kept putting his socks on his hands.... couldn't figure out what to eat with... TIA or UTI, either way will keep and eye on him, and don't worry, I would call the daughter if she didn't agree and it was a real emegency.... thanks for the support, love ya...

Ladee, I am sorry for Sonny... I hope he feels better now. You have absolutely to find a way to call the doctor if he is not well, independently from what Marie thinks... I understand you are in a hell of a situation.
CallmeIshmael: Sorry for your loss... Try to rest a little bit and try not to think about anything, right now.... I guess your life will be very different from now on. You need time to reorganize!
Hi Peg! Those siblings we have, they have no clue... I have stopped getting angry about it. It's no use!
Jam, I shall have a tooth extraction in 2 weeks- I am not looking forward to it.
Hi Shawna! Hi Stormy! Forgive me if I forgot someone. I am sleepy.
Have a nice evening

Ishmael: I am sorry for your loss. The questions that you pose are ones that many of us have been asking for many years and those following us in this "profession" will ask as well. Those that care for us may ask those questions of others and have no answers.
I tried to have a conversation with my sister today about our mom's cognitive decline and sister decides "it's a game she is playing" and I had to finally tell her "no it is not, her brain is going" and short of getting into the physiology of it, I repeated over and over that our Grandmother (mom's mom) experienced this as well. I told her it is too much for me, one person (which is what Ishmael was saying as we all have said) and others have to step up. Well the others I meant was family members and that isn't going to happen. At least sister gave me info regarding mom's health insurance and asap I am going to contact the doctor in order to get more help.
Sister doesn't want to acknowledge that mom won't take a bath ("she did when I was there last year for the funeral" was her response), eat a meal ("she likes people to sit with her when she eats") and can't trim her own toe nails ("can't she get a pedicure while she gets her hair done?"). So I finally had to keep sister on track that this is "real" and mom is no longer capable of caring for herself and I am only one person and can't do it all.
We all know the responsibilities that caregiving entails and without this comraderie in this group I would go insane. Even if I stayed home and didn't further my education just quit school and care for my mom full time we all know it IS too much for one person.
I finally gave in and told my sister that mom didn't even know who she was when she was visiting just like our Grandmother didn't know if my mom was when she would visit years ago.
I know many of you are nodding, yep, Peg, you are experiencing what I am experiencing. The total 100%+ chores that accompany caregiving ARE too much for one person. Yep, it's too bad siblings can't accept reality.
I have gained a lot of info and felt a lot of compassion from this group and I am appreciative. I hope we all find that few minutes, an hour, a day, a week etc break that we need.
I understand when Ishmael says he had only 1/4 day to himself all these years. I am trying to set boundaries in order to have those breaks so as not to lose myself in caregiving. I do my best, which we all do, and I thrive on the encouraging words you all post. Our lives are parallel in that we are experiencing similar things and we add our personalities to these experiences as well.
If only these siblings would trade places with us for one month. They say it takes 21 days to change a habit ... 21 days in my shoes would definite change their habit of being judgmental, ignorant of the truth, not visiting etc. We can only dream.
Sister was telling me she and her husband are looking for place to retire in a couple of years. They are currently in MT and looking as far as VA. Too bad they wouldn't consider CA temporarily and use their retirement years helping out but it's their lives and when it is all said and done, when they meet their Maker, they have to account for what they did and did not do. I won't judge them as they haven't had to care for Mom and they have their own lives.
My Dad had a dialogue with me one day about my siblings: "they are happy in their own worlds, you have more to do Peg." and the conversation went on with words of encouragement of the potential I have and the stagnant lives they have. Those words echo in my mind and heart and keep me going and going and going like the Energizer Bunny.
Speaking of going and going ... I have written quite a bit. Thanks for reading. I needed my friends tonight/this morning. This writing is good therapy.
I wish you all a healthy day, physically, mentally, emotionally and psychologically. I sent you my hugs and deep gratitude for allowing me a safe haven in which to share my thoughts. SDPeg

Sherrie, hope you return and share your feelings... it feels good to know others understand how we feel, makes this journey less lonely..and we do understand how you feel.. hugs.

CMI, my heart is hurting for you this morning..... The grief won't be easy either, hope you return and let us know how you are doing... power in numbers. hugs and prayers to you...

(((((hugs))))) Ishmael, my condolences - may your grandma rest in peace, and you have a good night's sleep knowing you have accomplished what you set out to do.The cost is, I think, always higher than we count. As to your sister - I truly have no idea how some sibs can behave as they do.You wonder if they have a heart.

Take care and come back and let is know how you are. Grief is not an easy road either.
all the best
jo