This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I'm totally exhausted. I've been driving back and forth 4 or 5 times a day. It's only about 12 minutes from home, so I would go there intending 4 hours, decide after 2 that I need a break, go home for a short time, feel guilty, and then rinse and repeat.
If there were other family members involved, then we could do whole shifts. But with just me, it's very tough.
Anyway, I'd like to respond to some of comments that were made, but 1:30 am is not the right time. Especially following all that. Tommorow is more like it.
Meanwhile, can you believe 8 1/2 years of servitude without even so much as 1/4 day free for myself the whole time? How did that happen? How can my sister - only 25 minutes away - live with herself after contributing absolutely nothing?
Jam I am sorry to hear that the col is sick but glad to hear she is doing better. I know you must have been having some bad memories come up with it being this time of year and losing your mom. I am here if you need me.
Ladeeda glad you are getting some more rain its gonna be a GREEEEEEEEEEEEEN Christmas for ya lol. Not me I want my white Christmas. When there is no snow here they call it a black Christmas (which means a lot of ppl get sick) Hope you got some rest on your vacation. I love the new name of the Banana split ha ha ..so did my sis when I told her.
Welcome to the newbies we are a family here... we rely on each other we beotch we moan we complain and vent because we so can't do it in our daily lives otherwise we are in trouble.
Barb honey … my mom is 83 I know the feeling of resentment when it comes to siblings.
Callmeishmal Honey you did the best you could do. Eight years is a long time. She is now where she can be taking care of till she leaves this mortal coil. You did everything right don't doubt yourself and don't let that Guilt get to you.
Seem honey I was thinking of you this holiday. Remembering how it was the first time without daddy. Its so not easy during the holidays when you just lost someone. Huggs from NY to you. Love ya sweetie.
Stormy so glad you got a break and had some company over. Though you got tired from it. It was good to have someone face to face to talk about something in common.
They have their lives their grandkids got jobs got married and all that. I am 34 years old. I went to college (had to drop out) I did traveling for a bit when my mom was staying with my sis and when mom was not as bad as she is now. I should be grateful I got to do what I did for as long as I did but sometimes there are days I want to scream. I don't have any friends around here... I don't go out (unless we go to my sisters) I finally enjoyed myself this week cause sister came down and I had someone to talk to and visit with. We drank rum and cokes and just relaxed when mom went to bed. Sometimes you think when is it MY time when am I gonna be able to just be concerned about ME but I wouldn't give up taking care of mom for the world. Its just very frustrating and lonely and hair pulling tedius … sigh sorry I went on a rant there.
Holidays are coming way too fast I have been working on my artwork and my business. Had to file my state tax return for this quarter owe 34 bucks and something to the state. YAY NOT. Have to pay bills the end of this week and might go to sisters this weekend not sure we will see. One new design is up on the site and I got my catalog done. If you want to check it out http://lilacorn.net/mysticglen/mysticglendesignscatalog.pdf you can download it. The workshop wasn't so great I sold ONE licensee plate and I did have some people looking and were interested and said they would contact me but as of yet nothing. Oh well.
On the bright side and bad side when we are talking about families. One is my idiot brother called because my low life scum nephew told him that his mother misses him and wants him to call. (mom all she said was she never hears from him.so she wouldn't know anything about him) Not that she wanted him to call. Well he called and said we weren't home not sure why we didn't hear the phone didn't want us to know his home phone. (whatever hello Caller ID) I called got beotched out by his wife and he called later to tell me NOT to call his home phone. That he would get a hodl of his this weekend (yeah right he did not call once whatever)
The good side is we got a call Saturday. My aunt Kate who is my dad's sister and my moms sister in law twice over. My mom married her brother and she married my moms brother. Anyway we haven't talked to her since daddy passed away. she said she didn't have any family up here after that anyway she was thinking about the family and wanted to talk to us. Didn't have any of our numbers but sister Kathy's. So she called Kathy who called us and now mom is back talking to her sister in law and hopefully they will be up herei n the spring. Also got to talk to cousin who was one of my sister Jeannes best friends growing u p. So a lot of us were crying. But the best thing is mom is now talking to her and we will keep each updated. Mom was fine through the call. It was my sis Jeanne and I that were crying. But its good that we are all talking again. Life's too short sometimes for bull and Aunt Kate is a year older than mom. Found out two of our cousins weren't doing so great because they got hit by Tractor trailers in virginia. But it was great to hear from them. Anyway sorry to anyone I missed and sorry its so long.
He was very pale and weak.... as the day progressed he felt better, and he was more lucid... at one point when I went to check on him, had him lieing down in bed, he looked up at me and said, "guess I need to quit drinking".. I busted out laughing.. that is one of our jokes, the little sweety doesn't drink.. but when he does something irratic, I'll ask him if he's been drinking again....So for him to remember that this morning was good...
Hope Marie let her daughter know something, if not I am calling her myself tomorrow while Marie is at the Dr....
He ate good today, and was finally getting some color back in his face, but was still wobbly...I love that little man.. couldn't bear for somthing bad to be wrong..I know Marie was worried, but with this being flu season, just making him an appt. would have been a prevenitive thing to do..... oh well, I know how to dial 911....
Hope everyone is doing ok.. seems like a lot of sickness for our elders right now... Callme, please let us know what is going on with your grandmother... I know this it tough... Did the same with Ruth, just sat there and watched her breath...
ASG, those nasty UTI's, doesn't take long for one to do it's damage does it... enjoy your night without worry...glad they are keeping her overnight, just in case
Jam, don't envy you going to the dentist, I need to bad, but have to save money first... sorry the col has slipped so far back, but you never know, she may bounce back and surprise you....
Seeme, love you and am hoping the holiday did not take too much out of you... just know that I love ya, and you are always in my prayers.. holidays are tough, in the best of circumstances. hugs and angels to you .
Will check in later... love and hugs.
stormy.........COW PATTIE!
Welcome to our new poster.....Barb, glad to see you here and will try to get caught up with you.
I have spent the better part of the day trying to find out if and when the col was getting released. They finally called after 3 and I had given up and was already on my way to pick her up whether they were done with their paperwork or not! She is back in the NH....she thought she was coming "home"........there is no way she could be home. Her mind is virtually nonexistent and she is pitifully incompetent using the walker.....which she has dubbed her stroller....:) Of course right now she is still sore from her fall. Her doctor has ordered more PT, she is still on the antibiotics and the "good stuff" for her cough. She wanted to go straight to the dining room for dinner after I changed her ears.....so I guess she wasn't feeling too tired.
Friday is "D" day.......dentist.....not looking forward to this at all.
Hope everyone had a good day.....will check back later.
Happy Trails,
Jam
Asg- I hope your aunt feels better soon. And i hope you get some rest with no more early morning calls... Hugs stormy
Yesterday my grandmother did not "surface" even once while I was there. By late evening her breathing had become so shallow and infrequent that I was 95% sure she would be gone by morning. But no call yet and I am not about to make one.
Instead I will shower and head over to the hospice wing now. Inexcusably late start but I am wasted from over a week of extreme stress and sleep dep. Will have time for details later.
Back to work for me today... really enjoyed my time off... got a lot done and rested a lot too so no complaints.
Hope everyone has a good day, Vic, where are you?? Hope your time away was fun and relaxing.... prayers and angels to everyone....
Cmag – hope your son is recovering and you are from the neck thing. I wonder what will happen to mother if she out lives her capital. She used to live off the income of her investments, but in her new place she is using capital to cover her monthly costs. I think her plan is that my sister and I will support her, if her income runs out, but I cannot afford to do that, so my solution would be to find an affordable situation.
Jam –dogs do it because they can! I have done some grandchildren shopping and better get onto the rest of it. Hope the col is better. I have been reading several stories where people are between a rock and a hard place with their elders –and not only with elders – we had to make fast and difficult decisions with Gordie. The time of year must be a trigger for memories of your mum and now the col with pneumonia –(((((hugs)))) – let us know how she is
Ladee -RAIN!!!! -love the moist air –does Diva go out in it? GOWW sounds right to me
Asg – small town gossip - ugh!!! Glad you had a good Thanksgiving -yes auntie is doing some weird things -don’t doubt yourself
Seeme - ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) -the empty chair thing – know it well – these special occasions are hard. We lit a special candle…
Sdpeg – busy, busy time near the end of term – lots of pressure. Next term should be better and a vacation will be great – good luck with all the school work –good to have that discussion with your daughter
Brandy - hope you feel better soon – I am listening to Joel right this moment!
Stormy –glad it went well and you had someone to talk to who understands – that helps a lot – nice of sis to take lil red
Ishmael – love that name , had a student called Ishmael – 8 ½ yrs. is a very long time, and you are young, and your grandma is very old. 105.5 is a tribute to her and also to you. Quality vs. quantity is one of the big questions. Sounds like she needs more care than you could give her. Would it be sensible, considering the issues you mention? No, not at all. A little personal perspective - my youngest son was assaulted, age 23, and went into a coma from head injury. They did surgery to relieve pressure, but the damage was too great and in a bad place. He was on a ventilator and, after a couple of days, we had “THE discussion” - the one about pulling the plug. Their opinion was that even if he survived he would never be the same person, and would have very poor quality of life. We gave him to God, and they pulled the plug, and he went very peacefully. We all have a time, and we concluded that was his. Is it simple? In some ways, yes, it is. Is it easy? No. Please do come back and let us know how things are going. Thinking of you…
Beta – your mum made an amazing come-back!
Ros – agreed - guilt should not rear its ugly head and you are right, death is natural. Sometimes I think doctors prolong dying rather than prolonging living.
Everyone - let us know how you are.
Got above freezing here today – yay!!!!! Did a bit of cooking and floor cleaning – good enough. My basement renters are moving out at the end of the month and I am relieved. There will be some clean up, no doubt, and then space for storage and G’s activities, and I will reclaim the upstairs. Think I am getting a handle on my gut issues –had a light bulb turn on the other day. Delayed-reaction allergies as well as immediate ones. Something to work on! Have a good week everyone!
Love, hugs and prayers.♥♥♥
jo
SDPeg
I am sorry if I sound cynic, but I live in the same situation... Rossella-Achab
Hugs,
Jam
Well, pretty darn lousy. After 8 1/2 years of taking care of my grandmother - now 105.5 - with absolutely no help from anyone, she is now in the hospice wing and probably hours from death.
Don't have time to provide details now, as I am heading back to my depressing vigil in a few minutes. But I am almost certain that I could have given her a year or two more time if I hadn't agreed to the hospice care. However, it all comes down to quality of life.
She has been bedridden for at least the last 6 months, has poor hearing and vision, stopped looking at the paper altogether, has been tuning out early on our traditional 8 - 10 pm tv fare, etc. I just realized that I can no longer lift her from the bed to the wheelchair to the toilet anymore without risk of cracking a rib, or snapping some other bone. So it would have meant all meals in bed too, instead of the usual ride to our dinner table.
As of 1 week ago, she began exhibiting RAGING dementia, as opposed to her normal intermittent possibly-explainable-by-general-nastiness type. We're talking horses in the room, asking what time decades-gone relatives left our house today, and stuff like that.
Anyway, gotta go, but it really sucks because I know I could have done better than just morphine/starvation/dehydration. But even if I am right, would it be sensible for me to completely lose 24/7 more of my life for another 2 years, and go deeper into debt just to gain 2 years of ultra-low quality of life for her? Not one person I've spoken with thinks so.
More on this later if anyone is interested.