This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Happy TKSgiving to you all!
We are taking the easy road concerning food by getting the K & W Thanksgiving Meal today.
Again I hope everyone has a blessed day with family and/or friends. Our day is shot to hell in a handbasket.....as my Mom always said. The col is worse, now running a temp, but did go to breakfast. Target just got through strongly suggesting to a nurse that she call the on-call physician and get her started on some anti-biotics and breathing treatments. Target is also having a gout flare-up and is limping around and his foot is so swollen he can't get a shoe on..........and I've been awake since 2 am. If I had known 40 yrs ago how much my heart would be broken by children, I would have had the grandchildren first.
stormy.........you're stressing yourself out for no reason. Yes, it would have been nice if the hubby had cleared things with you first, but since we all know now he's as hard headed as the rest of the male population, this is your chance to kick back and enjoy being waited on. Remember that your friend is also a care giver....what do you think her house looks like? And they aren't coming to see your house, they are coming to see you. Connor is old enough to pick up his own toys....time he did so. Make it a game and see how fast he makes it happen. As long as you have a place to cook, a place to eat, a place to visit and a path to the bathroom, you don't need anything else. Have a good time and a good meal. And if Dad is still wobbly, he probably shouldn't be left alone. Is he still choking on his food? Another reason to not be left alone. Have you considered someone to stay with him at night? Does he need a lot of care at night? If not, then you could hire someone, for less money because they will be sleeping, just to be there "in case". Don't start worrying about a mole they say is "abnormal".....they are going to say that if there is a slight variation from perfectly round and light brown. So using that term doesn't automatically label it as cancerous. Relax and enjoy your holiday.
No Black Friday shopping for me either unless it's from the computer. I did that one year so I could get some great deals from Walmart. That was back when they started the sale at 6 but were still open and allowed people access to the sale items.....when I got there the parking lot was already full and when I walked in people had carts already piled high just waiting for 6 to check out.........absolutely useless trip and I have never gone back. And you can get most deals sitting at the computer anyway.
SDPeg.....thank you and yes I was thinking the same thing about my Mom leaving us last year. She got sick on Christmas Eve and passed in the early morning hours of the 29th. It's okay to call me that.....that's what Mom always called me. I answer to just about anything these days...lol. My Dad wanted a boy so badly, so my name is actually two names, not one like a lot of people spell it. It took one more girl before he got his boy!
Happy Trails,
Jam
ladee- not need for the sun glasses before you see the pics on facebook. It's not yet like the Griswald's yet, but someday it will be.
seeme- I checked out the website. They don't allow atvs so it looks like we won't be making the trip to MO for it. It sure does look like tons of fun in a truck though.
stormy- we have life line for grandma but she doesn't know what the pendant is that she wears. We're considering of returning it. It cost us $35 a month. There is some out there that doesn't cost a thing and you can program numbers into it.
Jam sorry to hear the dil is giving you problems.
Grandma has been on decline with her mind lately. I'm not sure it's just because of the holidays or what she has an dr appointment of the 15th. She told me the other day that I remind her of my mil. Kinda of broke my heart to hear say that. She's always comparing me to my mil. I was just starting to get know my mil before my mil passed away from colon cancer and that's when we came to take care of grandma.
I did the black friday shopping a couple of times and I said that I wouldn't do it again. Now we don't go to early sales no sense when people are camping out and getting the deals. We do go out later in the day though. It's always fun.
Hugs and prayers to all
Smiley
Ros- I would ship you some of this food over there if i could for you and your mom. I hope you and your mom have a blessed thanksgiving. Hugs
I can't remember if i told ya'll that the dr told dad that he was borderline hyperthyroid from his last tsh levels which was last week. He goes for a ct scan tues. And blood work soon after that.
Dad seems like he is doing better, he has more energy than what he has had in the last 20 months and his appetite has gone through the roof. Every time i turn around he is saying that he is starving. But he has lost 5 lbs with all this eating. My sister and brother were saying the other day that since dad is doing better maybe we could get him one of those life alert necklaces and then he could stay by his self some. What do ya'll think? Then dad told sis that it was a waste of money to have mary to come and sit with him everyday after i leave him at 4. He says that he can stay by his self. He is still wobbly walking. Acts like his legs ache when he goes to stand up. So i would like to get ya'll advice about what ya'll think would be the best thing to do.
Then the other thing is my dear husband (mind you it was a lovely gesture of him, but not the right time) took it upon his self and invited a couple over for supper this saturday night. Hubby works with the guy and his wife is in the same boat as me as her mom has just been diagnosed with cancer of the bone. We have talked on the phone about my dad and her mom. And i really would like to hear more about what is going on with her and her mom. She is a caregiver also for her mom. And our husbands wanted to cook us supper saturday nite. Which that is fine except my house is a WREAK. And thanksgiving week is not the time to have company over. We always go to my aunts house so i never have any company over during this time. Now on top of having to cook thanksgiving i have had to try to clean this house up. I still haven't gotten over connor's bday. And there are toys everywhere. I just wish he would have okayed it with me first before he invited them over. And maybe we could have planned this after the holidays were over. Plus i think i am getting connor's cold now.... There is never enough time to do anything or enough energy.
Then I called dads dermatologist today to find out the results from the mole they took off of dad last week and they told me that it was abnormal and they have made him a follow up appt for march. They acted like it was no big deal with the mole. What does that mean? That the mole is abnormal, does that mean more cancer or what? Are there abnormal moles out there that don't mean anything? I wish dad could stay some at night by his self to give my sister a break. My brother and nephew stay some at night with him but not enough. And i just can't do it. Hubby and i made out a schedule for me months ago when i was so depressed and it doesn't say anything about staying at night with him and hubby is a believer of sticking with the schedule. Oh well it's all the time something. Huh? Well ya'll have a nice turkey day and don't eat too much!!! Love and hugs to all Stormyyyyyyyy
Emjo- Please tell me more about your symptoms of your thyroid levels being low. Dad is exhibiting more signs of this hyperthyroidism. Dr told him that he was borderline hyperthyroid. Hugs to all!!!!
I am sorry about your mom last year. And this is having you feel those feelings all over again. Hugs.
(I saw your name is JoAnne...that was my best friend's name in 9th grade and we called her Jo so sorry I fell back into habit...perhaps you prefer JAM.)
I pray the rattling cough is just that ... a cough.
Good night and sleep well.
SDPeg
NH hasn't heard back on the xray yet. We just called to find out, and they said she does have a deep rattling cough......would really like to get her started on Ventolin tonight if possible. Pneumonia took my Mom a year ago in December....this I don't need now.
So goodnight, sleep well my friends!
Hang in there with that last nerve ok?
Hugs across the miles from SDPeg
Wanted to take a few minutes tonight to wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm not sure how our day will go tomorrow. Things around here have not been pleasant today. My immature dil got mad at me this morning, dragged my son into the middle of it, and now he is mad at me. I asked him if they still intended to have dinner with us tomorrow, he said yes if we want them to, then I get an email from her stating they will meet us there and will be cordial. My last nerve is getting real close to snapping.....then received a call from the NH tonight, the col has a horrible, deep cough, no temp, runny nose, doing a chest xray and she also tried to sit on her walker, which doesn't have a seat on it, and fell. They didn't see any injuries and she wasn't complaining. Her mental status is declining horribly quick. My mind is at it's limit tonight.
So I wish everyone a peaceful day tomorrow, filled with love as you are with your families.
Happy Trails,
Jam
Peg of San Diego: I had the same situation - I lost my father and then I lost my mother's brain... But for me it was easier, as more than 10 years passed between one thing and another. Your mother is just at the beginning of her decline, and I really hope for both of you that it goes slow. One day will arrive when you will have to tell her the contrary of what you are telling now - "No, mom, you have no problems at all - you are just tired, this is why you don't remember things". You'll understand yourself when that moment will arrive! I hope you are going to have sound conversations with her for a long time.
Good night everybody and happy thanksgiving....
Cmag I am sorry you got home so late with your son. Those planes during the holidays are plane torture I remember the year we had to go pick up my niece from deployment during the holidays. She was about six hours late and they had lost her luggage (thankful she still had clothes at my sisters!) Not so fun with the neck pains I have the same problem sometimes when I am sitting at the computer for too long or working on something. The exercises you prescribe Jo sound like a good idea. I have scoliosis of the spine so I slouch QUITE a lot.
Smiley my dad's favorite thing was putting up the lines even at 78 he still would climb up that ladder and hang every light we had on the house. Used to scare the HELL out of my mom. Heck he used to climb on the roof on our neighbors house to clear the snow for her. Terrifying he was never one to be afraid of anything and did it. We'd have inflatables and a nativity scene that he had since my siblings were little. I have to get lights so I can decorate this year. I can't wait to see the pictures for YOUR house. I love Christmas lights just not too big on the all white my sister does ALL blue … we used to ride around looking at lights and daddy would say oh look all blue lets go steal them for your sister (LOL)
Seem I don't envy you I HATE black Friday I would NEVER go out and do it. I did it once with Daddy when he was alive. We hit all the big stores and by the time we were done. I hated shopping with a passion. LOL He used to find the best deals and he could weasel them down in price BIG time. He was a big bargain shopper except for his gift for my mom. He always got her something very special the one year he bought her pearl and diamond earrings. He loved to get her anything Knowing it would bring tears to her eyes. That was HIS gift for the holiday. The one year it was a casio organ which sits here not played but since dad bought it it GOES NO WHERE. NO matter how much Kathy might say something.
We got home from Kathy's on Sunday night but I was so tired from the weekend I just crashed so hard. We didn't do so great at the workshop. Had some bites and some might be calling me or ordering later hopefully in the first of next month as shipping is a beotch during the holidays. Mom is doing better but we are getting her back on the Trazadone to get her to sleep at night. We figured it out no UTI thankfully here either. My sister Jeanne is here for the week which is good. Mom is spending time with her and I am getting to spend time with her too. We did cleaning in the house I don't mind cleaning with her as there is not lot of the whole ridicule that my sister Kathy does when she visits. There is a whole drama going on here now. My jackarse brother called twice today and has beotched at me cause I didn't catch the first call on the phone. The other is cause he said to call back (for mom to okay Captain DENIAL) so I did to his home phone and his wife snapped my head off and said hes not here he was working. Then to call his cellphone. I didn't I was kind of ticked off. So I get another phone call on my voice mail on my phone. He beotches at me for calling his house. FINE if he wants to contact mom THEN he can damn well call. I HAD it. I hate people who come to my house and then run their mouths and put words in my mothers mouth. She said she didn't see Jim how the hell would she know anything about him so my scum nephew told my idiot brother that mom said that she wanted him to call. Thats NOT what she meant and he knew it. She would like him to stop by once in awhile shes hard of hearing so its hard for her to talk on the phone. Stupid arse people should not be talking about things they don't know. So yeah Drama up the arse here. Anyway got to go get stuff ready for tomorrwo and hopefully better day tomorrow. HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all my caregiving sistas and brothers. I am thankful for all of you guys who keep me going when I want to rip my hair out at the roots.
Seeme Sue
having said that my neck muscles were weak when my thyroid was low
That's the scoop from doctor jo for this morning lol!
sdpeg - wonderful warm exchange with your mum - sometimes dealing with the sh*t in our lives brings benefits
oh - and mother at 99 has several deteriorated discs but her "muscle corset" is so good they don't bother her - good muscle tome everywhere pays off everytime -she is a physiotherapist
Prayers for SDPeg's mom........
more later, gotta go to work...
I hope everyone has a good a day as possible!
SDPeg......(!) Who would have thought that a stopped up toilet would lead to such a warm blessing? And a good cry on top of it.....for both of you.......a nice cleansing experience. Almost makes you glad to have had the problem!!! My mom's saddest moments were when she couldn't control her bowels. But with poop everywhere, (I kept reminding her that any mess she made could be cleaned up) I would laugh about her eye color (aren't your eyes green, not brown), where is all this COMING from?.......Yes, it would take another hour to clean up the mess and sanitize things, and once it was tons of laundry from changing PJ's 5 times one night, sheets, towels, but she relaxed when I didn't flip out and I took out my aggravation here!!
Cmag....I was going to suggest a chiro.....love 'em.......my skull pain comes from the muscles running up my neck, and muscle relaxers would be an option......no, none of those at my 'lemonade' stand.....maybe also ibuprofen for inflammation.....bound to be some of that.......hope today's rain doesn't add to your or your wife's discomfort.
Turkey has to come out of the frig today, need to get some other things done, so will check back later.....
OH, for those of you who may not know......if you would like to get rid of notifications, please click on your profile, then click on "settings" under your picture/avatar and answer the questions that pop up. Hope that helps...........
This morning as i was leaving for school I realized my mom's toilet was stopped up. Darn toilet paper!!! Yep, waaaaay too much mixed with other things I am sure you know what I am talking about. There was nothing I could do this morning as I ran out but thought about that problem most of the day. Tonight I prepared dinner for my mom and took care of the problem (no details, too yucky). Then I broke down. I got so mad at the concept of the brain being taken away from a person. I cried and cried. I even told my Mom I was mad at God for taking my Dad last year and obviously taking my mom's brain this year. That was too much for me to handle.Then my mom went to her room and closed the door. After a while I checked on her, she was in bed in underwear and shirt ... not pajamas. As I coaxed her into putting pajamas on she and I had a good cry and conversation. She blessed me with telling me that she realizes how frustrated I am with her cognitive decline because she remembers how frustrated and angry she was when her mother was "like this". Talk about a blessing. She gifted me with empathy. Through more tears and talk, she has agreed to "check out" the local senior center (I mentioned this two months ago in a post, her doc suggested she go) and she has almost agreed that after the first of the year, she would go once a week while I am in school. Although we cried and cried, sharing empathy through hugs was the best part of the night.
I still feel frustrated but that's human. I know she honestly does not remember how to dress herself so I will budget my time so she is dressed before I leave the house (unlike this morning when I was running late but she seemingly did ok and put on the clothes I laid out for her). She told me honestly that she does not know how to make a cup of coffee all the time. "Sometimes I do" she said.
I will work on my frustration level but what a blessing it was to hear that she understood how I was feeling and then she kissed me and thanked me for all I am doing for her. No greater gift than that.
The topic: how am I doing? Worn out from crying but it was worth it. So a stopped up toilet was the last straw of my patience but it opened the door to a conversation between mother and daughter that only we could share. Thank you for being my friends ~ without this continued thread I would have lost my mind a long time ago.
And if anyone would like to find humor in finding empathy through crap ... please do, I can't think right now.
Sending love and hugs and my gratefulness for all of you.
SDPeg
congrats on the new job - every little bit helps
Good luck and come back and visit!
Blessings
Jo