This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Thanks a lot. See you later in the night. I have to feed my mother now, it's dinner time for us!
If someone could bottle up all the strength and "backbone" displayed by the care givers here, would that be a force to be reckoned with! I am proud and very thankful that I have been given the opportunity to get to know you wonderful people and a chance to be a little part of your lives. And humbled also, that as each day goes by, through all the tears and heartache, the laughter and love and the pain of watching our loved ones fade, you keep plodding along to help give them another day of YOU.
Ro.....I'm sending special prayers this morning that you will find some relief. I am glad the vultures aren't taking any more of Mom's money this year. I don't know how Italy works with aid programs, if at all, but it seems there should be something like our Medicaid program that could give some assistance. I will pray for a big bag of money to drop from the sky and land right at your feet!
I hope for a wonderful day for everyone.........here the sun is shining, about 37 degrees, no frost this morning but the wind is blowing and brrrrrrrr it's cold! Does that make you jealous ladee.....lol.........I'll trade you any day.
Will check back later..........
Love and Hugz,
Jam
I haven't said much about Mom lately. She has been about the same, confused and telling me about her "kids" who don't eat the food she puts in front of them. It's amazing how different her perception of the world is after 5 pm.
At about 2:30 pm yesterday she called and I was not available. She left a message and I could tell from the tone of her voice she was befuddled about something. I returned her call later in the evening because she said it wasn't urgent. She had some work done on her water system (a well) yesterday and thought she hadn't paid the bill correctly. I have the impression she fussed about it with the technician but he accepted her payment and left.
Even though I can't see what she's looking at, I am often able to decipher the issues (I'm an accountant). I attempted to explain it to her and she was very insulting and combative with me. Told me I didn't know what I was talking about. (so why did she ask me?)
Sometimes, it's hard not to tell her off. Okay, I said it out loud. I guess I should feel better but instead, I feel deflated. But this, too, shall pass. Right? Right!I
I belong to AARP (www.aarp.org) and find they sometimes have good information posted. They have a "relationships" section and have posted some good articles on caregiving. You don't have to be a member to read the articles. I read one this morning outlining 10 points caregivers should adopt.
1 Put your physical needs first.
2 Connect with your friends.
3 Ask for help.
4 Call on Community resources.
5. Take a break.
6. Deal with your feelings.
7. Find time to relax.
8. Get organized - prioritize your responsibilities.
9. Just say no.
10. Stay positive.
Each of these points has a paragraph explaining what they are suggesting. We've said all these things to each other here in our posts in one way or another. I think I'm going to type these out and put them somewhere I can see them from time to time.
So, to get positive, I am going to look forward to the kids visit this weekend. It will be great fun to have the baby here! We're doing a Thanksgiving dinner with them Saturday night so the fridge is bulging at the seams.
Stormy, I hope Conner's BD party is great fun tomorrow.
Crystal, feel the hugs across the miles.
Vic, Austin, Jam, Cricket, Kuli, cmagnum, Ro, SDPeg, Peggy, Ss and SS, Mismiley....and everyone I've missed, I hope you have some peaceful moments today. You are so precious and appreciated. Bee.
Checking in and I see we have a new sister! Welcome Crystal.....and hope you enjoy your time with us! Sounds like you have your hands full and need a break. Everyone has given you very good advice............ But do hope you get some relief for yourself and get Mom a check-up and on some anti-depressants, I'm sure you will enjoy the changes you will see in her. Glad you're here and looking forward to this journey with you!
Shawna......happy to hear Mom is better. Did she have a bad evening to cause her anxiety?
stormy......give our little fella a big birthday hug! How's Dad doing?
emjo.........I want pictures of the moose!!!!!! And when you put the antlers on, give the camera to G.....want to see those too....lol
Target told me an amusing story this morning and it explains a lot. Years ago, 53 to be exact, when he was 5 yrs old, the col would drive to California and he would sit in the front seat and be her "eyes". We all know how vain she is and how much trouble I had getting her to wear her glasses. It seems that she would pull out to pass a car and ask Target, when she saw a dark spot, "is that car coming or going" and he would tell her whether it was safe to pass or not! So she's been unable to see well for 34 years...so now I know why she never saw the BIG red truck that she turned in front of a few years ago.
Hope everyone has had a great day........will check back later......
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Stormy honey … I think what the others have said is right. You are doing the best you can. I think Connor sees this as your job. Another thing is it does give an impression on lil minds and teaches them compassion. He sees you taking care of his Grandpa... and sees the love that you pour out... in his little mind that makes an impression. My little Connor (though hes not mine he's my grand nephew) is forever trying to help with his nanie when he's up at my sisters when we are. He is just five himself and he is now a big brother.
We are getting snow here … sometime this week. I am actually looking forward to it. I also got some good news my sister Jeanne is coming down to spend the WHOLE week with me next week. I am really looking forward to that. It will give me a small break as she can hang out with mom. She is also bringing her puppy with her which mom loves. He's a lil toy poodle.
A lot of the panic mom gets is when we are going to go somewhere and she knows shes gonna be alone with my sister without me there. What Crystal said is basically like mom is too. She sees me as the security blanket. And when I go do the workshop this weekend well she's just gonna be with my sister and maybe my brother in law unless I take her with me Saturday which is gonna be a long five hours. So I am not sure its a good idea to take her with me we will see. But basically we talked and she was afraid that if I had her at my sisters and I wasn't there I'd just leave her there. I reassured her (I'll probably have to do that again Saturday) that I was not leaving her just going to go somewhere so I can make some money for us. I have a few ideas and I might have a new supplier for my products though it will cost me in the long run when it comes to shipping. I now have colored mugs well the rim and the handle is colored I have options to Black blue maroon green yellow red Cambridge blue light blue orange light green and pink I also have options to have the color inside and the handle. So we will see as they do the shipping by weight. LOL if I order enough for a pallet then ha ha .. I don't pay shipping at all but unless I get a HUGEEEEEEE order that's not gonna happen.
So hopefully some meds will help, then you can get out of there once in awhile.... I know from my own personal depression that when it was not medicated I was very forgetful.... so hopefully there is not dementia.
But come back and talk with us... let us know how the Dr. visit went....
Emjo, have you had to cook moose yet???? I hope you take pics and post on FB if you do, that is just disgusting to someone who does not eat meat... YUK...
Shawna, what triggered mom;s anxiety attack.... hope she is feeling better today.... glad you got your catalog done, now go make some money girl.....
be back later.... hugs to everyone...
She starts each day with uncontrollable sobbing and crying... its heartbreaking! It can also happen at the drop of a hat during any part of the day as well. When I can get her to tell me whats wrong, she either say that she doesnt feel good or that shes frustrated by her body failing her, that its because shes not able to remember so many things anymore or that shes just disgusted with everything.
When she's not around me she goes into a terrible panic. Its like I'm her security blanket that she cant be without.
She cant be left alone. Along with here health issues and being a proven fall risk, she will open the door for anyone and let people in the house without hesitation. Thankfully those that she has let in were people that I knew, but at the time she had no idea who they were.
I am making her an appointment to see what can be done about her obvious depression. Hopefully if we can get it under control life can be better for both of us.
Caring for her solo has to be extremely draining. I am not in the states so do not know your systems, but I understand that there are some resources for respite and maybe some home care. Some have suggested that there may be people in a church who would help. Can she not be left alone at all -for safety reasons or does she just want your company 24/7? Your profile says she has general age related declined. It is not fair on you nor healthy for you to be kept a "prisoner" in your own home. Do keep comng back. even cybercontact and venting shbould help your feelings of isolation and anxiety. There are meds for the anxiety too. Most of us are on something The job is just too hard.
Is there anyone that could come set with her just for a few hours, or a respite facility near you??? If not, then by all means use this thread and us to keep you sane and feeling you are connected to the world.....hope we hear from you again and again...... this thread has saved my sanity.... hugs across the miles to you... and angels sent to help you carry your load...
anything soecial triggering the anxiety? Are you able to get help doing this job and get out sometimes by yourself?
I. here if you want to chat.
Stormy, many moms have to work , so maybe to Conner, this is just your job.... I'm sure it is affecting you more than him, because, as a mom, you are missing out on so much while he is little. We never get that time back with them, but love is the most important thing, and he knows he is loved..... hope he has a great bday.... I know you'll post pics on FB......hugs to you
Ro, happy to hear the guy stepped down, maybe things will start to improve for you... taking all of Mom's money is so wrong, what if she still lived by herself??? But that happens here in the states too.... elders are doing without food to be able to get their medicine.....
SDPeg, maybe that is why you are getting your degree now so that you will figure out a way to make the community caregiving a reality...... as more and more families are dealing with Alz, then more and more caregivers are carrying the load.... I wonder where we are going to be as caregivers 5, 10 years from now... Many of US will need caregivers by then.... and the government still doesn't get it how many trillions of dollars we are saving them by in home care....
I have been fortunate that I have worked for families that can afford in- home care... it is not as expensive as going thru an agency, and going thru an agency does not guarantee good help.... the caregiver is usually only paid minimum wage, so you get what you pay for...... and for some , it is just a job, more than that is needed to care for the elderly, especially if Alz is involved.... Every Alz patient is different, so there is no 'blanket' care... what works for some will not work for others, and what works one day, does not work the next.....
And so many are taking on this job without any education about Alz... and even for those of us that do know, it still baffles and confuses.... so , like I said, someone has to start the community outreach, maybe that person will be you....
hugs to everyone this morning, gotta get moving...
Bee- Thanks for the words of encouragement. It does help just to get feedback on what you are going through. To know that you are not alone in this crazy life of caregiving. Thanks.
Ros- Hey there sweetie, Yes he is loved and i think he knows that. And i try to be the best mom that i can. I guess it's just that when i first had connor, this is not what i envisioned our lives being like. I know no one knows what the future holds. Oh well, it is what it is. Well, sis is calling me i will talk to ya'll later. Love and hugs for all the support and wonderful words. Stormyyyy
Jam, if you want to see how Italian people reacted to Berlusconi's exit, take 2 minutes to watch the movie that my cousin Franca shot in the streets of Rome the night he resigned. It's on my wall on Facebook! it's called "Bye bye Silvio". You can't see a lot of Franca but you can hear her laughing all the time!!!!!
When my Shawn was young I was caring for my then MIL and SIL (who lived with me) with their various mental and physical problems. My, then, husband was a non particpant in family life. The stress on me (working full time and keeping house without help) was tremendous. Talk about supermom!
So I had to learn to work through the guilt and anxiety. At first it was impossible. I had anxiety attacks and took antidepressants, too. Then, a counselor hit the nail on the head. She said I could be a victim if that was more comfortable. But, she suggested, if I could accept that I could not prevent all bad things from happening to MIL and SIL then, perhaps, I could do more things with Shawn.
She was right. The world did not fall apart and MIL and SIL survived. I arranged for someone to check in with them, if necessary. I began to enjoy taking Shawn places. It just took planning which, frankly, took less out of me than all the stress and guilt I had been carrying around.
Initially, I had to push through the almost panic I would feel. I would call home to check on them frequently, and eventually I learned to relax more. I actually took Shawn to Disney one year - and everyone survived!
Hon, you are so compassionate with everyone here. Look inward to the hurting soul you live with and make a conscious decision to take care of yourself, too.
(((hugs))) BEE
Ladeeda - as always, you are a foundtin of compassion, understanding and wisdom. We are all so privileged to know you.
SDPeg - You have such a great idea! An inspired community. Think of it: not only could we support and help each other regularly as caregivers but we could, as a group, have the power to improve the health care our loved ones receive. The possibilities are endless. What a concept!
Up early and drinking coffee and I can see ladee was up REAL early....:) Let's see, have to spend the day moving things around in the garage.....bought a new vehicle yesterday so have to make room for it and hope it fits. But it should be easier to clean today since the temps are going to be in the 40's.....last time I was cleaning out there it was around 100 degrees.
I can see the pain and anxiety of care giving is starting to make itself stand out again......or is it just a little worse because of the upcoming holidays which seem to always be a little more stressful? Ladee calls me the "Mother Hen" and yes I start to worry when "my chicks" are feeling the pain. I've been there and I know what you are feeling and like others have said, you are the only one who can control those feelings. And it's perfectly valid and permissible to feel like you could bang your head against a wall, scream, yell, think dark thoughts.........you're not human if you never have these feelings and if someone tells you otherwise, they are lying to you. There are plenty of rewards in care giving, but then you start to factor in the cost involved with your own health and mental well-being, the lost hours with taking back and forth to various appts, the cost in hiring outside help when you realize the job is too overwhelming, the destroyed family relationships because siblings don't want to step up and help.........whew! Is it any wonder why the amount of anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds have increased? If allowed, care giving will sap the life right out of you. There are varying degrees of disability and for those who are not yet dealing with the horrible results of Alzheimer's or other forms of dementia don't know the true extent of what it does to the care giver....and it's those people who try to make you feel guilty for falling into that "black hole" occasionally. We're here to help keep you from falling..........and like ladee said, it helps to come here and just talk. We've all experienced the dark side at one point or another, so anything we hear doesn't phase us at all. And you will never be told you are wrong for feeling the way that you do. When we get to know you better, we might make fun of you, but it's only done out of love and respect........
Hope everyone checks in today........more coffee then maybe I will have the energy to do something.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
...., grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time.
Hugs and good thoughts for all of you. BEE