Follow
Share
Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
So sorry about Ro. Hope things get better for you. Maybe you could post your needs on ourprayer.com. Today I had lunch with Mom, the col, which stands for crabby old lady. I say this in jest, because some people say I am a col. Anyway, Mom was cranky as ever. When am I ever go to learn my lesson? I shouldn't ask her a single question and keep my mouth shut. I ask her a question and she flew into a tirade. About then I said "had to go, bye." So its a learning process.
(1)
Report

Dear friends, thanks for your concern about my money problems! Linda Harde has sent me an e-mail of the kind "If you forward this e-mail to 6 friends you will become rich in a few days"! So of course i did it and I am very optimistic. I am sorry if I make you worry; I vent here because this is part of my life, but I am not starving and this is the most important thing. My mother is warm because the pellet stove heats a lot, so we are "covered" about the most important things! Better times will come, And I am sure that they won't take away all my mother's money again. (at least until November 2012, but I will be prepared next year!) So, from next month, we'll be back to normal and there are just 13 more days to go!
Thanks a lot. See you later in the night. I have to feed my mother now, it's dinner time for us!
(0)
Report

Good Morning Posse!

If someone could bottle up all the strength and "backbone" displayed by the care givers here, would that be a force to be reckoned with! I am proud and very thankful that I have been given the opportunity to get to know you wonderful people and a chance to be a little part of your lives. And humbled also, that as each day goes by, through all the tears and heartache, the laughter and love and the pain of watching our loved ones fade, you keep plodding along to help give them another day of YOU.
Ro.....I'm sending special prayers this morning that you will find some relief. I am glad the vultures aren't taking any more of Mom's money this year. I don't know how Italy works with aid programs, if at all, but it seems there should be something like our Medicaid program that could give some assistance. I will pray for a big bag of money to drop from the sky and land right at your feet!

I hope for a wonderful day for everyone.........here the sun is shining, about 37 degrees, no frost this morning but the wind is blowing and brrrrrrrr it's cold! Does that make you jealous ladee.....lol.........I'll trade you any day.

Will check back later..........

Love and Hugz,
Jam
(0)
Report

Good morning all. Wow, I have been busy the past few days preparing for some of the kids who are arriving this afternoon (8 hours from now). 2 month old Olivia is coming with Mommy and Daddy and our youngest, Nicole, is coming with her significant other, Dave. (I think bells will ring from them soon.) So, I really don't know how much time I'll have until Sunday night when they all go home. But I want you to know I have you in my thoughts and prayers.

I haven't said much about Mom lately. She has been about the same, confused and telling me about her "kids" who don't eat the food she puts in front of them. It's amazing how different her perception of the world is after 5 pm.
At about 2:30 pm yesterday she called and I was not available. She left a message and I could tell from the tone of her voice she was befuddled about something. I returned her call later in the evening because she said it wasn't urgent. She had some work done on her water system (a well) yesterday and thought she hadn't paid the bill correctly. I have the impression she fussed about it with the technician but he accepted her payment and left.

Even though I can't see what she's looking at, I am often able to decipher the issues (I'm an accountant). I attempted to explain it to her and she was very insulting and combative with me. Told me I didn't know what I was talking about. (so why did she ask me?)

Sometimes, it's hard not to tell her off. Okay, I said it out loud. I guess I should feel better but instead, I feel deflated. But this, too, shall pass. Right? Right!I

I belong to AARP (www.aarp.org) and find they sometimes have good information posted. They have a "relationships" section and have posted some good articles on caregiving. You don't have to be a member to read the articles. I read one this morning outlining 10 points caregivers should adopt.
1 Put your physical needs first.
2 Connect with your friends.
3 Ask for help.
4 Call on Community resources.
5. Take a break.
6. Deal with your feelings.
7. Find time to relax.
8. Get organized - prioritize your responsibilities.
9. Just say no.
10. Stay positive.

Each of these points has a paragraph explaining what they are suggesting. We've said all these things to each other here in our posts in one way or another. I think I'm going to type these out and put them somewhere I can see them from time to time.

So, to get positive, I am going to look forward to the kids visit this weekend. It will be great fun to have the baby here! We're doing a Thanksgiving dinner with them Saturday night so the fridge is bulging at the seams.

Stormy, I hope Conner's BD party is great fun tomorrow.
Crystal, feel the hugs across the miles.
Vic, Austin, Jam, Cricket, Kuli, cmagnum, Ro, SDPeg, Peggy, Ss and SS, Mismiley....and everyone I've missed, I hope you have some peaceful moments today. You are so precious and appreciated. Bee.
(1)
Report

Ro,, there are no words to ease your burden. From your words, I see you are taking one step at a time. I can only imagine what the emotional impact of this financial situation is on you. As Ladeeda said, I am humbled by your ability to deal with your circumstances. God bless you and your Mom. I pray this burden will be lifted from you. (((hugs)))Bee
(0)
Report

Ro, things are really bad for you and I really hate this for you. As much as I grumble about having to get up and go to work, at least I have a steady job. And as much as I hate the place I am living, an electric heater keeps it warm.... so I am humbled by your circumstances and it has made me be more grateful than I usually am.... and if you find that money tree, keep it to yourself and don't tell anyone.... I know you will share tho, it is not you to be selfish..... love ya Ro, and am so sorry you are having such a rough time....hugs and angels to help with the load, and keep that sense of humor, it gets us thru the rough times.....
(1)
Report

Ladee, my financial situation gets more an more hilarious. I am going to Rome today to grab 100 euros (135 USD) in order to be able to eat next days! Luckily I have enough pellets for my mother's stove for the next 3 days. What will happen in 3 days? I don't know, I hope I am going to find some money on a tree.
(3)
Report

Crystalclear, no, the weight of the world is not on your shoulders entirely... Just half... The other half is on mine.... No, I am joking. All of us have a fair share of the world to carry! The other girls have given you lots of good advice. I can add mine. Can you literally put your mother in your car and drive her with you when you go shopping or doing other things? Can't you use a wheelchair to carry her around? This would give you the chance to go out more, and it would probably lessen her depression. I know that if my mother doesn't go out at least 3-4 hours a day we can't really keep her quiet. And my mother is an advanced Alzheimer... But she notices very well if she goes out or not. Kisses and good luck.
(1)
Report

Good Afternoon Posse!

Checking in and I see we have a new sister! Welcome Crystal.....and hope you enjoy your time with us! Sounds like you have your hands full and need a break. Everyone has given you very good advice............ But do hope you get some relief for yourself and get Mom a check-up and on some anti-depressants, I'm sure you will enjoy the changes you will see in her. Glad you're here and looking forward to this journey with you!

Shawna......happy to hear Mom is better. Did she have a bad evening to cause her anxiety?
stormy......give our little fella a big birthday hug! How's Dad doing?
emjo.........I want pictures of the moose!!!!!! And when you put the antlers on, give the camera to G.....want to see those too....lol

Target told me an amusing story this morning and it explains a lot. Years ago, 53 to be exact, when he was 5 yrs old, the col would drive to California and he would sit in the front seat and be her "eyes". We all know how vain she is and how much trouble I had getting her to wear her glasses. It seems that she would pull out to pass a car and ask Target, when she saw a dark spot, "is that car coming or going" and he would tell her whether it was safe to pass or not! So she's been unable to see well for 34 years...so now I know why she never saw the BIG red truck that she turned in front of a few years ago.

Hope everyone has had a great day........will check back later......

Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
(0)
Report

Crystal my mom used to be like that she would get upset, couldn't be out of her eyesight for more than a few minutes. She's gotten much better since her doc put her on Paxil though its the generic form. It helps her a lot with her anxiety and helps her from being very agitated. Which helps when we want to go out for awhile. I can also get some stuff done that I was never able to do before. She always be calling me for nothing and crying.
Stormy honey … I think what the others have said is right. You are doing the best you can. I think Connor sees this as your job. Another thing is it does give an impression on lil minds and teaches them compassion. He sees you taking care of his Grandpa... and sees the love that you pour out... in his little mind that makes an impression. My little Connor (though hes not mine he's my grand nephew) is forever trying to help with his nanie when he's up at my sisters when we are. He is just five himself and he is now a big brother.
We are getting snow here … sometime this week. I am actually looking forward to it. I also got some good news my sister Jeanne is coming down to spend the WHOLE week with me next week. I am really looking forward to that. It will give me a small break as she can hang out with mom. She is also bringing her puppy with her which mom loves. He's a lil toy poodle.
A lot of the panic mom gets is when we are going to go somewhere and she knows shes gonna be alone with my sister without me there. What Crystal said is basically like mom is too. She sees me as the security blanket. And when I go do the workshop this weekend well she's just gonna be with my sister and maybe my brother in law unless I take her with me Saturday which is gonna be a long five hours. So I am not sure its a good idea to take her with me we will see. But basically we talked and she was afraid that if I had her at my sisters and I wasn't there I'd just leave her there. I reassured her (I'll probably have to do that again Saturday) that I was not leaving her just going to go somewhere so I can make some money for us. I have a few ideas and I might have a new supplier for my products though it will cost me in the long run when it comes to shipping. I now have colored mugs well the rim and the handle is colored I have options to Black blue maroon green yellow red Cambridge blue light blue orange light green and pink I also have options to have the color inside and the handle. So we will see as they do the shipping by weight. LOL if I order enough for a pallet then ha ha .. I don't pay shipping at all but unless I get a HUGEEEEEEE order that's not gonna happen.
(0)
Report

crystal, good to see you here, sounds like you are doing first things first... getting her on some meds will hopefully help a lot with her neediness... She does have a lot of pyhsciall things going on.... and maybe sometimes she is just in pain.... , and with all that going on she would get scaired thinking she was alone....
So hopefully some meds will help, then you can get out of there once in awhile.... I know from my own personal depression that when it was not medicated I was very forgetful.... so hopefully there is not dementia.
But come back and talk with us... let us know how the Dr. visit went....
Emjo, have you had to cook moose yet???? I hope you take pics and post on FB if you do, that is just disgusting to someone who does not eat meat... YUK...
Shawna, what triggered mom;s anxiety attack.... hope she is feeling better today.... glad you got your catalog done, now go make some money girl.....
be back later.... hugs to everyone...
(0)
Report

Hey gang ... all is quiet today after a bad night. Mom had a panic attack shes okay ... just had to sit with her relax and get her her tea. Though she's fine today. Getting things ready for Saturday and got my catalog printed up nice and purty lol. My friend was sweet as she didn't charge me for it. Though she got annoyed with me cause my cellphone went off and it played white Christmas. Though igot her laughign cause I had the Kung Pao Buckaroom Holiday song on there. I have to say its one of my favorite holiday songs. I know we all got to be politically correct lately well this song makes FUN of being politically correct lol
(0)
Report

Crystal, an appointment for the depression sounds like a good idea. Her doc is not very clued in, obviously. She should be getting treatment for at least some of those health issues. Aging and the decline that comes with it is not fun, and it sounds like she has a bundle! I hear you that she cannot be left alone for several reasons. As ladee suggested, is there some one - not sibs obviously, who could come and sit with her to give you a break.. Medication for depression should help her outlook and yours, if you need it. You do need to look after yourself. There is a tendency with caregivers to focus on their charges at the expense of their own health - do I hear an "Amen:" out there? Are there any steps you can take to meet your own needs better than they are being met now? Doing even one thing for yourself can make a dufference, You are coming here and hopefully that will help your feelings of isolation, but we all do need face to face interaction too. ((((((hugs)))) jo
(1)
Report

She has a number of health issues... some of them being heart disease, very bad edema in her legs, ankles and feet, severe arthritis throughout most of her body, hypertension, swallowing difficulties, stomach & gi issues. Her memory is also failing her and its getting worse as time goes on. I've tried explaining my concerns about it to her doctor but he just says that its normal aging because when shes around him for the 15 minutes every few months she appears to be fine as far as he's concerned.

She starts each day with uncontrollable sobbing and crying... its heartbreaking! It can also happen at the drop of a hat during any part of the day as well. When I can get her to tell me whats wrong, she either say that she doesnt feel good or that shes frustrated by her body failing her, that its because shes not able to remember so many things anymore or that shes just disgusted with everything.

When she's not around me she goes into a terrible panic. Its like I'm her security blanket that she cant be without.

She cant be left alone. Along with here health issues and being a proven fall risk, she will open the door for anyone and let people in the house without hesitation. Thankfully those that she has let in were people that I knew, but at the time she had no idea who they were.

I am making her an appointment to see what can be done about her obvious depression. Hopefully if we can get it under control life can be better for both of us.
(0)
Report

((((((crystal))))) -ladee has good suggestions. Much of my "human" contact comes through the computer, My reasons for that are different from yours, but the basic need it the same, I think,. Siblings can be the pits - mine is worse than useless and loves to dig into me as well. I keep contact to a minimum. Asking for help is useless. Does your mum have any medication for these meltdowns or for her frame of mind altogether. Living with a depressed person is very depressing!

Caring for her solo has to be extremely draining. I am not in the states so do not know your systems, but I understand that there are some resources for respite and maybe some home care. Some have suggested that there may be people in a church who would help. Can she not be left alone at all -for safety reasons or does she just want your company 24/7? Your profile says she has general age related declined. It is not fair on you nor healthy for you to be kept a "prisoner" in your own home. Do keep comng back. even cybercontact and venting shbould help your feelings of isolation and anxiety. There are meds for the anxiety too. Most of us are on something The job is just too hard.
(0)
Report

crystal, I love your screen name by the way, but you are not alone, and coming here and talking and making friends, tho we are cyber friends, you will not feel so lonely... and being cooped up and never getting out can make you insane.....so we are here for you..... you are safe here, to say what you need to say, and get love , support and compassion for your very stress filled days and nights......
Is there anyone that could come set with her just for a few hours, or a respite facility near you??? If not, then by all means use this thread and us to keep you sane and feeling you are connected to the world.....hope we hear from you again and again...... this thread has saved my sanity.... hugs across the miles to you... and angels sent to help you carry your load...
(0)
Report

Hi ladeeda... thank you for the hugs!
(0)
Report

Hi emjo.. thank you for the hugs! I have been closed in for so long that doing anything for myself or going anywhere is a distant memory. I have literally begged for help over the years from my siblings only to have my pleas fall upon conveniently deaf ears. My mother refuses to go anywhere. Even when she has to go to the dr she has total meltdowns right up to the time she's getting into the care. She and I are together 24/7 and I get no break. I love her dearly, but caring for her solo for so many years has drained on so many levels.
(0)
Report

crystal, we all relate, hope you come back and talk with us...hugs to you
(0)
Report

Hi crystal (((((((((((hiugs))))))) - not a good way to feel,
anything soecial triggering the anxiety? Are you able to get help doing this job and get out sometimes by yourself?
I. here if you want to chat.
(0)
Report

Filled with anxiety and oh so lonely.... feeling like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.
(0)
Report

Bee, thanks for the shout out, but the compassion on this thread is universal, and you who are going thru so much yourself, spends time to lend a hand up for those that need it...... grateful you are here..
Stormy, many moms have to work , so maybe to Conner, this is just your job.... I'm sure it is affecting you more than him, because, as a mom, you are missing out on so much while he is little. We never get that time back with them, but love is the most important thing, and he knows he is loved..... hope he has a great bday.... I know you'll post pics on FB......hugs to you
Ro, happy to hear the guy stepped down, maybe things will start to improve for you... taking all of Mom's money is so wrong, what if she still lived by herself??? But that happens here in the states too.... elders are doing without food to be able to get their medicine.....
SDPeg, maybe that is why you are getting your degree now so that you will figure out a way to make the community caregiving a reality...... as more and more families are dealing with Alz, then more and more caregivers are carrying the load.... I wonder where we are going to be as caregivers 5, 10 years from now... Many of US will need caregivers by then.... and the government still doesn't get it how many trillions of dollars we are saving them by in home care....
I have been fortunate that I have worked for families that can afford in- home care... it is not as expensive as going thru an agency, and going thru an agency does not guarantee good help.... the caregiver is usually only paid minimum wage, so you get what you pay for...... and for some , it is just a job, more than that is needed to care for the elderly, especially if Alz is involved.... Every Alz patient is different, so there is no 'blanket' care... what works for some will not work for others, and what works one day, does not work the next.....
And so many are taking on this job without any education about Alz... and even for those of us that do know, it still baffles and confuses.... so , like I said, someone has to start the community outreach, maybe that person will be you....
hugs to everyone this morning, gotta get moving...
(0)
Report

Sdpeg- i like your idea about the support of a community to help with the loved ones. Boy, that would be wonderful.... Great idea... How can we get one of them started?
Bee- Thanks for the words of encouragement. It does help just to get feedback on what you are going through. To know that you are not alone in this crazy life of caregiving. Thanks.
Ros- Hey there sweetie, Yes he is loved and i think he knows that. And i try to be the best mom that i can. I guess it's just that when i first had connor, this is not what i envisioned our lives being like. I know no one knows what the future holds. Oh well, it is what it is. Well, sis is calling me i will talk to ya'll later. Love and hugs for all the support and wonderful words. Stormyyyy
(0)
Report

Hey guys just dropping in to say hi:) will try to post later.
(0)
Report

A lot of smart ladies we have here! I have no more comments to make, I just would like to say a thing to Stormy: you are a good mother and of course you worry that Connor doesn't have the happy life he could have if you were more free. But, as far as I know children, they basically need just a thing - LOVE - and I am sure you give him bunches. He doesn't need to go to the swimming pool or to play with other kids or go to the circus every day. He just needs you to be as happy as you can be. You know how children can adapt themselves to situations. They can play and laugh even during a war. You'll make up for the time lost in the future... Don't worry! And happy, happy, happy birthday Connor!
Jam, if you want to see how Italian people reacted to Berlusconi's exit, take 2 minutes to watch the movie that my cousin Franca shot in the streets of Rome the night he resigned. It's on my wall on Facebook! it's called "Bye bye Silvio". You can't see a lot of Franca but you can hear her laughing all the time!!!!!
(2)
Report

Stormy - I understand your concerns about Conner and his childhood experience and memories. There has been a word used here a lot lately: boundaries. It's okay to sit down with your hubby and talk this over. Together I'll bet you two could come up with a plan so that you are actively participating in Conner's childhood. You are entitled to it and so is your boy!

When my Shawn was young I was caring for my then MIL and SIL (who lived with me) with their various mental and physical problems. My, then, husband was a non particpant in family life. The stress on me (working full time and keeping house without help) was tremendous. Talk about supermom!

So I had to learn to work through the guilt and anxiety. At first it was impossible. I had anxiety attacks and took antidepressants, too. Then, a counselor hit the nail on the head. She said I could be a victim if that was more comfortable. But, she suggested, if I could accept that I could not prevent all bad things from happening to MIL and SIL then, perhaps, I could do more things with Shawn.

She was right. The world did not fall apart and MIL and SIL survived. I arranged for someone to check in with them, if necessary. I began to enjoy taking Shawn places. It just took planning which, frankly, took less out of me than all the stress and guilt I had been carrying around.

Initially, I had to push through the almost panic I would feel. I would call home to check on them frequently, and eventually I learned to relax more. I actually took Shawn to Disney one year - and everyone survived!

Hon, you are so compassionate with everyone here. Look inward to the hurting soul you live with and make a conscious decision to take care of yourself, too.
(((hugs))) BEE
(0)
Report

twice in one month! I am honored. LOL
Ladeeda - as always, you are a foundtin of compassion, understanding and wisdom. We are all so privileged to know you.
SDPeg - You have such a great idea! An inspired community. Think of it: not only could we support and help each other regularly as caregivers but we could, as a group, have the power to improve the health care our loved ones receive. The possibilities are endless. What a concept!
(1)
Report

And Bee gets the................COW PATTIE!
(0)
Report

Good Morning Posse!

Up early and drinking coffee and I can see ladee was up REAL early....:) Let's see, have to spend the day moving things around in the garage.....bought a new vehicle yesterday so have to make room for it and hope it fits. But it should be easier to clean today since the temps are going to be in the 40's.....last time I was cleaning out there it was around 100 degrees.

I can see the pain and anxiety of care giving is starting to make itself stand out again......or is it just a little worse because of the upcoming holidays which seem to always be a little more stressful? Ladee calls me the "Mother Hen" and yes I start to worry when "my chicks" are feeling the pain. I've been there and I know what you are feeling and like others have said, you are the only one who can control those feelings. And it's perfectly valid and permissible to feel like you could bang your head against a wall, scream, yell, think dark thoughts.........you're not human if you never have these feelings and if someone tells you otherwise, they are lying to you. There are plenty of rewards in care giving, but then you start to factor in the cost involved with your own health and mental well-being, the lost hours with taking back and forth to various appts, the cost in hiring outside help when you realize the job is too overwhelming, the destroyed family relationships because siblings don't want to step up and help.........whew! Is it any wonder why the amount of anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds have increased? If allowed, care giving will sap the life right out of you. There are varying degrees of disability and for those who are not yet dealing with the horrible results of Alzheimer's or other forms of dementia don't know the true extent of what it does to the care giver....and it's those people who try to make you feel guilty for falling into that "black hole" occasionally. We're here to help keep you from falling..........and like ladee said, it helps to come here and just talk. We've all experienced the dark side at one point or another, so anything we hear doesn't phase us at all. And you will never be told you are wrong for feeling the way that you do. When we get to know you better, we might make fun of you, but it's only done out of love and respect........

Hope everyone checks in today........more coffee then maybe I will have the energy to do something.

Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
(1)
Report

I'm sure this is something many of us know but sometimes forget to invoke. This is how I get through some tough times:

...., grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time.
Hugs and good thoughts for all of you. BEE
(1)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter