This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Here is a lesson I have learned.
I have spent the past 2 years having to restrict my activities because of health issues. I wasn't allowed to bend, lift, drive, or hold my grand daughter. And I could not read (still can't very well but that's going to improve). You get the picture. I was forced to retire because I couldn't do any of these things.
During this period, my Mom's dementia has been accelerating and I can't get to her easily. I have siblings but they, for various reasons, are only involved in Mom's care periodically.
I am not a wonderful, patient and wise individual. I'm a 60+ year old who loves people and grew up in a dysfunctional family. I've had some tough years and some great ones.
Just like me, much of what is happening to you is our of your control. The only choice is to identify, for you, what you can control.
What do you do to relax? Music and exercise are great for me.
The only activity I was permitted was walking for the past 2 years. So, I put on my sneakers and headphones and walked my way through 3 pairs of shoes. Sometimes I left the cell phone at home - on purpose. In bad weather I do have the benefit of a treadmill, so I walked inside. (Trust me, I spent a month being depressed and angry before I figured this out.)
Does you GF have a pet? Maybe a cat would be a good companion for him. My two fellas have been very important in my very restricted life style. They keep me company, cuddle with me and entertain me.
By the way, my circumstances have improved and I am now allowed to bend, lift, hold the babies but I still can't drive. It's okay. See....circumstances can change. I'm grateful for my improved life - and anxious to get on to the next phase. But... I need to take note of the blessings.
That's an important part of caregiving. Take note of the good moments and treasure them. I keep a journal recording the good things in life. There are a lot more of them than I thought when I wasn't recording them. It really helps!
Since I found this site and became part of the community, I have better control of my stress. Some days are better than others. But when I see what others are dealing with it helps me put things into perspective.
Take care,hon. Just like the oil in a gravy, when the heat is off you need to rise above the weight of your circumstances. No one will provide you the means to do this so you need to find it for yourself. We're here for you! (((hugs))) BEE
And no, the phone calls won't stop, but you may find a way to not answer every call and be ok with it....one thing talked about here is guilt.. so you may find some ways to handle that and start to feel better about some choices you may have to make in order to maintain your sanity....
And you may need to go to the Dr and get a good check up and find out if the anxiety has another cause or you may consider some meds of some sort... many of us here are on antidepressants and anxiety meds..... that seems to be part of the caregiver life....
And I like what Rossella said, and I too think he feels safer with you... he is a man, he doesn't want the male family members to know he is lonely or bored. You didn't fill out your profile, so I will ask how old he is, what are his health issues, is he able to walk, ect.... fill us in so we have a better picture of what you are dealing with.....none of us have all the answers, but collectivly we do have a lot of experiance.... I hope to see you here again, and I will say again, you are safe here to say what you need to say.... you won't be judged, and we will help if we can..... your are doing the right thing for yourself reaching out..... prayers and hugs to another tired caregiver....
Ros- I'm with you- Cindy, 7 years? I would be having some major panic attacks!!!
We are coming up on 2 yrs taking care of dad. Or it will be in march. And i hate to say it but i wonder how long this will go on? I wonder how some people take care of their loved ones for years and years on end, putting their life, relationships, families, vacations etc on hold for that long and how it must affect them. I know having to take care of dad has changed and affected me and my family. Their are things that me, my husband would like to do with our little boy who will be 5 this week but I am tied down here having to look after dad. I already feel like i have cheated my husband and my little boy out of so much in the last 20 months. No one knows what that feels like except another caregiver. It's a hard pill to swallow. I feel guilty that i am the reason that we can't take off and go places with connor my little boy. And that is a awful feeling. I feel like one of these days i am going to wake up and connor is going to be 10 and i am still going to be looking after dad. And his childhood will be gone along with missed experiences with him at this very tender and precious time. Am i terrible for saying all of this? Does anyone understand what i am feeling? I just want my life back how it was before this nightmare began. Selfish of me, huh? hugs stormy
Bama. your grandfather probably calls you all the time because nobody else is so patient with him... I don't think he wants to treat you differently because you are a woman and the other caregivers are men. Probably he trusts you more and he feels more protected by you.
I don't want to sound like a saint. This is a period when I am stressed and impatient and in general I feel like a lion in a cage. When my mother calls me 100 times when I am cooking or starting washing machines and so on, very often I scream at her and I tell her to leave me alone. But after 1 second I understand it's not her fault if she doesn't understand I am so tired (she has Alz). This life that we live is a constant seesaw of rage, compassion, understanding, killing instinct, love, hate... We have just to try to survive among all of this. Sometimes I think I am at war... And people in times of war just try to survive...
Onto homework and early to bed tonight. I didn't do as well on the test I took yesterday as i had hoped but life goes on.
Good night
SDPeg
Vic I am so sorry to hear you are having trouble with dad. Not sure what to tell you to help. Just that we are there for you hone...
Lu ... good idea to do the writing there isn't a lot of doctors for the older generation here either. its why i am so glad I have Doc Hassam for mom. She suprised him the other day at the office gave him his christmas gift early. He gave us both a hug and took a card lol.
Ladeeda I know I have to learn to tell my family NO espically idiot sister. I just detest conflict and I know if I cause a ruckus they won't call or come see mom and that will be worse on mom. Not that they call or see her all that much at all! Oh i wanted to share something about idiot brother ... he got his the other day. He drives taxi and he used to drive for the cab company that mom and I use regularly. Well his sister in law works there now he went to visit her. Now the gang there knows the trouble I go through day to day. Getting places and such. Sometimes if I need to get a place its cold or raining and they see me walking they will pick me up and take me where I need to go. Well he started bad mouthing me at the cab stand .. lets just say big mouth got his butt handed to him BY his sister in law and three of the cab drivers there. I was shocked but the one lady cab driver told me they weren't gonna listen to him say crap when he don't do crap for his mother. He stormed out afterwards I guess but they made their point across. it was nice to have someone stick up for me against him once in awhile.
Lu, glad you stuck your head in, hope you are doing ok...
Jam, no Sonny did not pick up sticks today, we actually got a lot of rain, yes the wet stuff from the sky....I even took pics, I know that sounds so silly, but when you have been in a drought as long as we have, it doesn't take much to get you excited to see rain...
Seeme , hope the MIL doesn't stay long, did you get her some crocks that don't shrink.... I swear that is the one of the dumbest things I have ever heard..... get her out of there before you end up in the spa..... or at Jam's pond.....
Hope everyone had a good day.... the roof didn't leak too bad, but we are so blessed to get the rain, I won't fuss about it.....
Vic, are you tired today, haven't heard from you??? hope all is well...
More later,
Good for you for writing a report. Probably more of that should happen. I think it is scary to be sick at any age, and more so when you are old and maybe helpless to a degree.
Breathe deep and do something good for yourself.
What can u do? You can refuse to be his "prisoner", You can, as already suggested, set boundaries and answer the phone when and if it suits you. This is very controlling and unhealthy behaviour on his part and you do not need to buy into it. In fact, buying into it is doing you no good. It drove me nuts too. It would be reasonable to let calls go to voice mail and tell him you will answer at certain times-your choice -as sdpeg does.
sdpeg -nice to see a student know knows that phone calls in class are not allowed. I had to emphasize that - with the rider if they had a family member in hospital or something like that, to put it on vibrate and leave the room to answer. Many students had young children.
have a good day everyone
I also support a schedule on phone calls or we would be called 24/7. I tell people I will return calls between 9 and 10 a.m. or between 7 and 8 p.m. Those are the only two hours calls get returned. That does not mean I won't call to chat and catch up with a fun phone call, but with my university student schedule, I have to have certain times people know I will call them or I am called while in class and that's definitely a no-no.
I agree this is a great place to vent.
Last night my mom was making reference to my sister and her husband who is here visiting from out of state. The last time she saw my sister was immediately after my dad's death last year. Last night my mom could not remember not only my sister's name but that "that woman and that man" were indeed her daughter and son-in-law. The memory is fading ... that one conversation I will hold in my heart as it would break my sister's heart to know that our mom couldn't remember her first born child. It is these stories that will never be repeated ... but I will remember as my time comes that there were will be people I don't remember. I have urged all my children to watch the movie "The Notebook" so that they know what is in our family lineage.
Hope all have a great day ... semester is winding down ... lots to do.
SDPeg
One idea, let him know your "scheduled" on call times. Let him know that he can leave you a message and you will return his calls if you are not immediately available.
Keep in mind that no one but you controls your reaction to any given situation.
Put things into perspective for your own mental health. Caregiving is a thankless "job" that you will never regret unless you do it with constant resentment. See your care for your grandfather as the selfless act of love and mercy that it is. This is a gift you want to give freely. If you read back through the posts here, you will see a pattern. You are not dealing with the Grandfather you knew in his younger years. This is a new version. You are caring for a being (we'll rename grandfather's disease) "Dementia". The man you knew is still in there but can't come out easily. You picked the right place to vent. Laugh, cry and commiserate with us. We have your back. (((hugs))) Bee
Doing a quick drive-by.............I get a day out! Have to go to a bank where the col had an account and move it, then do a test drive and possible purchase of my new vehicle, then in downtown KC there is a place called the City Market, so we're going there to stock up on fresh veggies and fruit and loose tea for Target, then for lunch the world famous Arthur Bryant's Barbeque. So, it's going to be a long day, but a good one. Other than our little trip to Tunica in Sept, we haven't been out, just the two of us, in months.
ladee......glad Marie is opening up to you. I keep holding out hope that she won't stay herself forever and will relax and allow you to do what needs done. Is Sonny going to be able to pick up sticks today? If not, sounds like seeme is going to do it for him....lol.
I like your analogy CMag, although I haven't seen those commercials. Any type of mental illness is scary to a lot of people..........maybe they think it's contagious.
Shawna, glad you are making the templates work. Sounds like you are going to have a lot of fun with all the kids. Give Mom a big hug and just be grateful that she will soon forget a lot of the sadness when told to her.
emjo......making snow angels? Or pie today?
Vic.....hope Dad is better today, which will make things better for you.
maya, mis, SDPeg, Cindy, TPeg, ASG, stormy, and I'm having a senior moment..........I wish everyone a wonderfully peaceful day and will check back later.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
CMag, we all know there are people in this world that view anyone that does not fit into the status quo mold, is looked as a "different" and therefore ignorance spreads faster than compassion....I am sorry some of your friends did not reply, but am so proud of you for taking the risk..... taking risks helps us to get healthy too...the paradox being, the more vulnerable we are, the less vulnerable we become.....because we have a bigger view of the world, we learn how to choose who to get vulnerable with..... just know that you are always embraced here and that we appreciate you..... hugs....
Shawna, glad to hear your business is picking up, now if you can learn to say "no" to your family, you'll be set to go.... sorry mom had a rough day, but she also gets to be sad for the world going on around here, the changes that happen, and the people that pass..... I think we need to let them be sad once in awhile, it is called being human....
I am seeing a definite decline in Sonny these past few weeks...and Marie finally opened up about how she feels about watching her husband leave her, little steps at a time.... She is a tired caregiver too, with her own health problems.... tho I still don't let her take her frustrations out on him, I do understand her resentment and sadness.....I have more patience with his memory loss, but I am not with him 24/7..... I always go back to when I was taking care of Ruth, and that was 24/7 and remember how I felt....
Seems some were not interested in our PARTEE, but you are still invited to join in on the fun of pretending we can all get together and have some fun for a change.....
Jam, sorry your football team does not understand the rules of football, better luck next year....
Seeme Sue, I love ya and miss ya.....
Going to work early this morning, Marie has a Dr's appt. Am looking forward to the holidays only because I will get more time off..... yes, I am a tired old lady, just like all caregivers I know, young or old, we are just tired....
Vic, hope dad has a better week than the weekend he had...and that you get some much needed rest....
Hugs to everyone..... gotta get going....
Maya I wish you luck with the Aid and attandace thing. I am going through that now with mom. Fightng for it and trying hard. Make sure you have all your paperwork signed done and in triplicate that way you have a copy of it on hand. Also get a hold of your local Veternas affairs office to help you. I should have done that in the first place.
Guilt is horrible and sometimes I feel like I am swimming in it. Mom had a bad time today emotionaly. Though the time spent with Austin Sunday made her weekend. She so enjoyed holding him and kissing his forehead he even smiled. She was upset cause my idiot sister called and told her that one of the people she knew in church had died and that she missed the funeral. UGH so she got upset that she was still alive and he had passed (he was 15 years younger than she is) I told her shes alive because she has so many grand kids and great grandkids that want her around. That picked her up a bit. I laid into my sister later on the phone. I thought she had called to talk to mom just to talk not to tell her that. She said well she had a right to know. I said well then you should have told me and I would have broke it to her gently. Sometimes my sister can be a real IDIOT! Oh yeah they came down saturday alright. They came donw cause idiot sister wants me to take the gifts for Alena and Nick to my sister Kathys. She wants me to do this behind E's back. Nope Not happening. She dont want anythign to DO with her... what don't she GET! SO I just nodded my head to avoid conflict not sure what the HECK to do with them when she gives them to me.
Business is doing well. Finally got the handle on the ornaments still working on that as the templates didn't work so great. But sister liked them so did mom. Nephews girlfriends picking up hers tomorrow. Got my catalog done have to get that printed up for saturday which we are going to be spending the night at my sister kathy's friday so we will be there. My colds almost gone YAY! I can breath so much better. Just waiting for the snow to hit then the holidays to start. My sis Kathy is a sweetie … okay my mom has a christmas collection as does my sister Kathy.. well when we went up to kath's on sunday. She said I have something for you. She came out with this wonderful pretty Santa She said this is to start your collection. She is so nice sometimes.
((((((hugs))))) and prayers
cmag - thanks - quiet holidays sound great to me - just your immediate family. Hope your dad goes through the procedure well and benefits by it. keep writing poems!!!
did a mince pie -the gluten free crust fell apart but tasted good - I have a few more ideas to improve it - practicing for THE PARTEE!
Come back and visit with us and let us know how you're doing. We're a great bunch!