This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I think you will find this year that the holidays are extra special with just the four of you. When my children were younger, we celebrated Christmas one year with just the 3 children, my husband and myself. It was so wonderful to watch the kids opening gifts, and then fixing breakfast, and if I remember right, that is the year they wanted tacos for Christmas dinner.....lol. It was a great day! It is more relaxing and you will have time to visit with the kids before they are back to school. And you can go take a nap any time you feel like it!
I'm continuing to be my up and down self with today being great, but the last several days not being good.
One more of my uncles died recently and I think I told ya'll about my dad having irregular heart beat which is being treated with blood thinner right now and in two more weeks will get electric treatment to get his heart being right.
This time of year is full of stress for many reasons one of which is having to be around family plus in-laws :) and out-laws :(
This will be the first Thanksgiving and Christmas in years when we are celebrating both in our own home without guests from out of town or our being guests in another town. Some relatives we will see before a holiday and others we will see after a holiday, but this time it will be me, my wife, our two sons, us four and no more. This will mean that preparation for each will have far less stress and we can cut down on travel expenses which we have enough of with two in college at the same time and one of them is out of state.
I don't know if I've shared my poem "Barnacles" and/or "What A Cop Out To Say, This Is How I Am And Always Will Be Because Of My Dysfunctional Family" Anyhow, a life long friend from high school, who has been like the sibling I never had, sent me the following response to my poems. "I am sorry you have had the kind of pain that would motivate these poems but they are well written and true expressions of what you have walked through" That was a very kind response and the only one I got from all the people I sent those two new poems to.
Hugs, prayers and love to all!
emjo..........you have explained things beautifully, as usual. I was feeling a bit of guilt myself last week, and got myself out of it real fast. Why? Because I haven't done a thing wrong concerning the col. I am not responsible for the decline in her mental status and won't act like it is. The only thing I am sorry for is the fact that she is infected with the horrible Alzheimer's disease.
ladee........I loved what you wrote this morning about family and celebrating and I guess my question is............why can't we do that? I'll bring the paper plates so we don't have to think about dishes. And plastic forks and knives........now we just need to figure out where. So everyone needs to put on their thinking caps....lol
Will check back later.........
Love and Hugz,
Jam
funny how gals will share the most intimate details of their lives but not tell their weights or ages lol.
Yes guilt goes with the territory and is something you need to work on, brandy. In fact it is something parents will use to manipulate their children - even adult children. You have to live now. Your mum is not the same person who stuck up for you in school. Good for her for doing that, but no reason for u to feel guilty now, Definition of guilt (Wikipedia)- Guilt is the state of being responsible for the commission of an offense.[1] It is also a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation.[2] It is closely related to the concept of remorse.
You have not violated a moral standard. Your mother's appearance and behaviour in public is inappropriate, and, I am sure, distressing to others. If you really want to take her out can it be for something like a drive in your car and drive in for food so there is less chance of her acting out? Not sure that would work with your husband. Please work on giving up the guilt. It really does no one any good and is hard on you. You have a big enough load looking after your husband. ((((hugs))))
hi bee- glad the repairs are finished - that was fast! Blinds and drapery and redecorating the family room!!! Wow! Like you, I do not have good memories of my mum - bad ones, in fact. Escaping the madness sounds lovely. You are right not to worry - it does no good anyway. You obviously have concern for your mum, but your hands are tied at present.
My eyes are bothering me a lot so I'm not spending much time online. But I check in from time to time and I'm trying to keep up with everyone.
Diane, so happy James in improving.
Brandywine, I admire your heart for your Mom. I wish I had some memories like yours. Most of my Mom memories are of her being kind or fun with someone other than me...or my siblings, for that matter.
An update: the vertical blind has been replaced. The wall was spackled and painted, new hardware installed and we now have lovely drapery panels across the sliding door. Whew. Now P wants to redecorate the family room. Heaven help me!
I've threatened that when (if) my new lens makes it possible for me to drive I'm going on a road trip, solo, to escape the madness. lol (I don't want to get away from P, he's wonderful.)
Not much new going on with Mom, same stuff, different day. I can tell she's not telling me something - should I worry? Probably. But I can't control the situation so I need to let some things go. Right?
jam - hope the paperwork goes OK - glad you guys made the decision to place the col - benefits all around - she will need more and more care as time goes on and that wil be someone else's job -someone who is trained and gets paid for that - listening to a program right now about respecting and caring for yourself - it fits
Checking in to see how the weekend was for everyone. I've got a ton of paperwork to fill out today and some phone calls to make, so this will be short.
brandy.......when we moved my mil here 2 yrs ago, I was talking to hubby one day, and I said "you know, the crazy old lady downstairs".......and it stuck. Whenever I called her that to her face, she just laughed and thought it was so funny, because of course it was said and meant with affection.
Detachment is the best way to go sometimes......it's hard to turn and walk away, but you have to do that or go crazy yourself. That is really the underlying reason behind placing the col in the NH.......it's benefiting her in a way that she wasn't getting here, but she was sucking the life out of me daily and it was getting to the point where I just couldn't drag myself into it anymore. She may not be in her own home now, but her needs are being met and she's happy. And I am happier with being able to visit with her and not be responsible for cleaning the poop off her and every surface of her house, and repeating myself over and over and over and over..........
So, hope everyone checks in and let's us know how you are doing today!
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
My mother's appointment with her primary is this afternoon. I'm feeling kind of punchy because I slept in naps again. Maybe there will be time for a nap later on. I have dishes to do and a couple of e-mails to write and prayers to pray before she gets up. I've got a load of laundry in the washer working right now.
I think I found a church. The pastor is one of the cousins' son. I've known Matt since he was a little boy. He's about to be a dad himself. I visited his church last night and when the sermon was over, I congratulated him for making me think.
When I got to the church, I opened the door and his mom looked up and told him to run, that I was there. He laughed. Apparently, she was able to explain better to him just why I was looking for another church than I could. I was trying to be diplomatic but his mother doesn't have to be.
Now I understand why Uncle Billy was so proud of Matthew. Yep, he's Uncle Billy's grandson. He's got the same twinkle in his eye that his grandpa had.
Yesterday morning, I was supposed to go with another cousin to her church. When I lived here before, I attended church there, so I already knew what to expect. However, she'd spent the night in the ER with her husband, so she needed to go back to sleep. When I hung up with her, I finished my shower and got dressed. Then, I went across town to a grocery store where another one of our cousins works and did a bit of shopping for us there. I saw my cousin working with her back turned toward me and I asked her if she could give me some assistance. She said yes and then she turned around and saw it was me. When she came over, she gave me the biggest hug. I can't begin to tell you all just how much I needed that. Then she introduced me to some of her co-workers, telling them that I was the one that she'd told them about who had moved down with her aunt. She and her sisters took care of their father, my dad's oldest brother. She has an idea of how tired I am. She told me several times yesterday that if I want to go do something for me on a day that she has off, she'll be glad to come and sit with my mother. I think she knows how burned out I am.
I read an article on VA Aid and Assistance. It seems my mother qualifies and the VA even allows it if the surviving spouse is being taken care of at home by family members. If it happens, it would take a load off me, because it would probably pay enough for me to have things I need, like doctor visits. Most of that gets put aside right now because of all that my mother needs.
So, I'm going to get the paperwork together and she's going to file for it. It takes a long time to get it approved, but it is retroactive to the date of filing, so it would begin with a lump sum for all those months. That income would take a load off the worry list that always seems to be going on in my head, no matter what time of the day or night it is. I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep, so that might help accomplish that as well.
So, what do you think?
come on ya'll what would you bring to the party???? And I would only bring the music if ya'll let me play it REALLY REALLY LOUD......
I am sure there would be a lot of hugs and love, jam would have to bring her shoes in many colours so we could all try them on, cmag would read poems, maya would share stories and photos, shawna would bring the mugs, ros would bring pets for cuddling, ladee would bring rocks and mexican music- come on everyone - what would you contribute?
for me, I would cook up a storm - love cooking for a large group - in a past lifetime when I used to give parties I would start cooking 2 days before they were due to come and keep cooking till the first ones arrived at the door. the extra special dishes were the experiments I would try n the last few hours after all the regular stuff was done
sounds like fun to me!!!
I am thankful I do not have to deal with it anymore... after the death of my father, I could walk away and never look back...and when I do think about all of them together, I know I'm not missing anything..... it's NOT like they show on TV and the movies....and if I am not there, at least they have some one to talk about....just grateful I know not to put myself in that position anymore....
And for those that do have family they get along with, Jam and her son are the ones I think of off the top of my head, they get to include the rest of us in their prayer before the meals.....
Too bad the rest of us are so financially broken,physically broken, mentally hanging on by a thread, that we couldn't all get together and have some hired people to wait on us for a change, do the cooking.... but we would all have such a great time... imagine the real hugs that would be passed around, the real laughter when telling about the things we encounter everyday, you know, the laugh to keep from crying things that happen....
But I doubt we could all be in a large group and really relax, we'd all be trying to take care of each other..... because we know each others stories, and that's what we do, take care of.........and think about what we would talk about if we decided we couldn't talk about our charges.... we'd all just be looking at each other, we couldn't talk politics because we get interrupted during the news, we couldn't talk global warming because we are putting too many diapers into the land fills, guess we'd end up looking like a large group of Alz. patients, repeating ourselves, asking where we were, who is going to come pick us up and what time is it.....some of us would be setting across the table with our laptops, talking to each other on FB because we don't know how to talk in person anymore.... we couldn't take pictures because we forgot to pack the camera, we couldn't swap recipes because we forgot how to write on paper.....
But the one saving grace would be the love that filled that room, the collective empathy, compassion, and understanding would transcend all the other things we have forgotten how to do, don't have time or energy to do..... now that is my idea of a HAPPY THANKSGIVING or MERRY CHRISTMAS.....
Just grateful for all of you.... hugs across the miles...
"I've been praying for your little doggy and can only imagine how devastating this is for you who love these little creatures so much. I hope you have forgiven yourself and know that God is with him and looking after him now. I am so sorry when our beloved pets leave us and of course this kind of tragedy is unbearable please know that we are praying for you"
I had an incredible week jumping from an office to another trying to have answers about my mother's taxes. It seems they have already taken 99% of what they had to take (we still think that leaving us a whole month without money was something completely illegal - If I had the strength and the money to do it I would hire a lawyer and sue them) but it seems in december we'll have all the money that my mother has to have, so it's over for this year. And of course, as it happens all the time in periods like this, everything in my house is getting broken... The washing machine was the last one to leave us! We are, like, living under a bridge - nothing works here anymore - but with a roof on our head. I try to make sure that at least my mother stays warm - the pellet stove still works! The dogs and cats and I are a little bit colder, but who cares about us!
It seems to me I have become the hero of a Dickens' novel. I shall start to clean chimneys like Bert in "Mary Poppins". I could sell flowers at the corners of the streets, too. .
About children... Jam, I love my nephews. They are my brother's sons and they were like my children too. They have become nice guys but so selfish and self centered that they have become completely strangers to me. I don't know what to tell them anymore. We were so close when they were children. It is so so sad!
I think I will spend Christmas at my brother's house and that's all. The rest of the family dinners we won't participate. I am sorry for my mother but I can't stand to be with the "big" family. I don't feel like meeting my aunts and uncles, cousins... They are so far from my life that I don't feel like putting a smile on my face and pretend it's alright! I'm going to see Franca of course. Just her!
The hell with the rest of the family!
Lots of us know about family messes and dysfunctional relatives -are there any other kind?.
elderly - brandy were you born in 1949? that makes me ancient!!!
oh typo - above -- col stands (not starts) for...
Detaching is the way to go in lots of situations - not always easy to do - but we can learn
col starts for crazy old lady lol
Good idea to not being the col home. Wondered when your dental work started. I have done some Christmas shopping - on line. Good to take it easy after years of fuss. With 4 kids stretched out over 14 years, it went on and on and on and... Now I do enough to impress the grandkids which doesn't take much - thankfully. I have a couple of baskets of cinnamon and clove scented pine cones out - love the smell.
mis.....hope the diapers work. As I said, the Tena brand is the only one I found that really worked.
We are doing the Thanksgiving buffet at our favorite casino this year. It just seems the easiest thing to do and keeps from bringing the col here, because we all know what would happen and I just don't feel up to that right now. Then a week later, I start my dental work, so looks like some Christmas shopping will be done online. And I think we will be celebrating Christmas at my son and dil's so it's doubtful I will even mess with getting decorations out. Maybe next year will be better.
jam - mushrooms in the snow -sounds like a poem is coming on...
ladee - grapes of wrath lol - now we know you have at least 5 pairs of shoes - i have a new policy with shoes -if they are the least bit unforgiving to my feet - out they go -if they fit well I wear holes in them
mis - glad you are having an easy thanksgiving -we owe that to ourselves sometimes - maybe all the time - think that is a good plan with grandma - if she remembers what she said
quiet here again, more snow - a few inches by now and it looks so pretty...
think I will tackle the gluten free pastry once more and if that doesn't work buy the frozen stuff or ready made pies for Gary. Crumb crusts (GF cookies) should work too.
Jam thanks for heads up on those diapers. I got a 1 pack today and will be testing them out on Grandma.
Looking forward to a peaceful Thanksgiving. We just invited my fil over and nobody else. I'm tired of being the only one cooking for people and then cleaning up afterwards. So this will be nice, peaceful Thanksgiving. I'm cheating this year though we're having our dinner pre-made by a local store here so all of it is heat and serve. That's what we did for Easter cause I just got out of the hospital the Wednesday before and couldn't do any heavy lifting, not even a gallon of milk.
We got snow Wednesday night and Thursday morning. It seemed good, but it didn't stick around. We're suppose to get some this Wednesday. Gun season opens here on Tuesday and I always hope for snow for the hunters.
I gotta make some lunch think'in we're having salmon patties.
Hope everyone has a good weekend and hugs and prayer across the miles.
I just realized I have 5 pairs of shoes under the table, so this is not getting my work done... love ya'll , check back in later....
Checking in to see how everyone is doing this morning.....and hope it's a good day for all.
Not a darn thing going on here except a visit to the col and then a football game at noon. The weather is beautiful, although I hear from some of you that I should be storing a bunch of nuts for the winter.....lol! It's supposed to be sunny and in the 50's and 60's all week. Maybe the sun will give me some inspiration to get outside and carry in all the yard decorations for storage. I collect "whimsical" outdoor checker sets and they are still outside, along with ceramic mushrooms and flowers. The col enjoyed looking at them all summer but they look rather odd poking up out of snow...............
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam