This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Good morning.
My mom's pills have finally and wonderfully kicked in. That doesn't mean she remembers everything but her mood is better than it has been in over a year.
I have gained so much support from this group, can't thank you enough for helping me keep my sanity and reminding me to be patient.
She acknowledged that I do use my car for her errands (while hers is in the garage, I don't like to drive her car) and if and when one day I have the money I borrow for repairs I can pay her back but not to worry about that now. I have to laugh: wanna place bets she doesn't remember that?
Speaking of placing bets, we went to her happy place last night (casino) and she won $1700 (coincidentally not too much away from what I borrowed). Today we drive almost an hour to get her favorite lemon turnovers (@Dudley's Bakery in Santa Ysabel). We had a storm yesterday and another should divulge us with rain and hail again tomorrow so we have to get out today. There is another casino near Dudley's and when we go there the people are fabulous is watching her so I have a couple of hours to rest (sometimes just drinking coffee in the cafe or gamble a $20 ... sometimes that $20 goes for over an hour up and down and up and down ...). If my mom is having such a good time finally enjoying life then I want to do whatever I can in order to keep her in this mindset.
I was looking at my Spring schedule and just can't decide what days/times to go to school. With budget cuts, there is a class NOT offered and I am disappointed. But I don't register until Jan 9th so I have time to think about it. I am glad they put out the schedule ahead of time.
Oh my, my mom mentioned last night that NOT hearing from my brother is a good thing for her as she is now having fun and doesn't need him anymore...do I hear cheering from all of you??? Celebrate that with me ok?
@Maya: PTSD and alcohol sometimes are a very dangerous combination. My mom's dad was an alcoholic and owned a bar and therefore my parents never allowed alcohol in their house nor drank. My dad drank beer but not since 1969. Sometimes we make our rules around what behavior we have witnessed and choose not to repeat. Counseling for the PTSD might help especially since he is a vet but that age group strongly rebels against sharing their innermost lives with others. When my brother moved my mom out of this house and she and I moved back in in March we didn't put things back where they were. I open cupboards now and have to take a second look ... ok, where did we put {whatever item} and it takes a while to hunt it down. I think during my break from school I will try to put things back where they were but he also disposed of so many things that we are starting over. Mom is happy here though, so that's good. PUtting your foot down is important...that's my profile pic ... a friend designed it for me. It is also my cell phone desktop so I am reminded daily to put my foot down when others annoy me or tell me what to do. Good for you!!!
@Jam: sorry about your back. I have only mild back pain from multiple car accidents (none of them my fault but I am paying for them now). I have aches and pains and could NOT imagine being in more pain than I am now. I am sorry you suffer.
Onto today's activities and tomorrow is a major study day so I will be writing more next week. I do read the posts between classes, I feel connected and supported as I read about everyone.
Love and hugs to all
SDPeg
maya - my father was alcoholic too and war experiences contributed to that. Hide the bottles from the cousins by all means! travelling with alcohol would have its negatives. I love cheese but can't indulge with the dairy allergy. One I particulalry liked - and the one I most miss is Norwegian gjetost - a goats millk cheese that is brown and has an unusual flavor. Something I grew up with it. None of my kids took to it. Smack your brother for me - throwing your cheese out! That is dreadful!
When I think of what he threw away, it really hacks me off, but it wasn't as if it was his stuff. Oh, no. If it was his, he'd have made sure that it made the trip.
We used to have liquor cabinet for guests, but we gave it all away save a bottle of pear brandy that my parents got on a trip to Italy when I was eighteen. They finally took a honeymoon about a year before we were due to rotate back to the States. Mama wanted to keep that.
We gave it away because we were moving. I could just see going over a bump in a U-Haul and the bottles cracking. I didn't think the police would believe that the ensuing smell of alcohol was just an innocent accident.
Maya......I stand and applaud you! Wonderful for you to take a stand and decide how it will be........as you say, you are the one who has been caring for your mother for 17 years and you do know what is best. If the cousins don't like it, perhaps when they want to visit they can buy dinner and visit in a nice, but neutral, place. I well understand your back pain....my original injury in 98 was lumbar and boy can I tell it when the weather changes. Most days I cannot stoop down to pick up anything, and heaven forbid if I get down and don't have a husband handy to help me up.
It looks like most everyone is not awake yet except Maya...........my dogs decided I needed to be awake at 6......now I have a snoring chihuahua beside me and somehow that just seems all wrong.....lol. So will try for a quick nap. It's cloudy and cool out today.
Will check back later to see who has come alive...................
I took a stand this week. Since we've moved, I've pretty much done whatever the cousins have suggested. Some of their suggestions do not work for my mother and myself. So, I decided to begin to put things back where they were where we had them before they moved. I do not like, nor do I have the time, to search for what I need. I know what I use every day in the kitchen, I know where my mother prefers her machines, I know what time she prefers to go to bed. We're going to do what we have always done because we've found over the years what works for us. When even dishwashing detergent becomes an issue in a grocery store, when someone doesn't approve of the kind we use because it's more expensive, it's ridiculous.
I bought some different kinds of cheeses that my mother likes and the kind of crackers she can have with her diabetes. So what if it costs more than American cheese food --- the only cheese product that any of these folks eat. My mother is more than entitled to have a few goodies and this is something that she can have that won't throw her blood sugar off. They also don't like the fact that we only drink diet soda in this house and use whole grain everything, but that's another concession to my mother's diabetes. It's what's best for her that decides those things. The cousins might not like those things, but my mother doesn't have to have insulin shots before her meals either like they do. She's never had insulin except in the hospital and that's only because they don't use metformin in the hospitals that she's been in. She's not going to be insulin dependent if I can help it. The cousins that complain about the diet soda and the whole grains have A1Cs that are off the charts and adjust their own insulin dosages so that they can continue to eat what they want. Uh huh. That's dangerous.
I decided that I don't like living by committee. I don't like it one bit. Know what I mean? I'm not a kid who has to be told what to do. I'm a fifty-two year old woman who has been caring for my mother for seventeen years now. I think I know what I'm doing when it comes to my mother's diet. We had her A1C down to 6.1, so it seems that I've managed to do something right.
And when I went to the grocery store alone, I found a bottle of Auslese and a bottle of Spatlese. I think I'm splurging on both. They're nice to have around for special occasions and they only get better with age.
And I wish you could see the fruit bowl I put out on the dining room table. It's filled with oranges, tangerines, apples, pears and bananas. She gets a piece of fresh fruit with every meal. The fiber helps stabilize her blood sugar, as well as giving her a taste of something sweet. The nurse who adjusts her own insulin dosage might not approve of how often she gets fruit, but the results speak for themselves.
And now, I thank you all for allowing me to cement my resolve here by posting this. I decided to stop venting and start doing now.
See you tonight! I had to finish the translation and so I couldn't read the posts entirely. I guess tonight I'll have something to say as I will spend the whole day with my mother Wow
jam -feels good to just hang out doesn't it -think it is needed. I have always been a person to do 2 1/2 things at the same time, but since I retired and mother got more demanding and I have backed off, most days my gumption has got up and went somewhere. I think it has all built up on me (along with the gut issues) and I am worn out. Hope everyone out there is looking after themselves -you can get too far down sometimes
ros - I keep experimenting - I can't eat and wheat or dairy (gluten and dairy allergies) so I have to use substitutes. Baking is the hardest but I will make another pumpkin pie next week from an old recipe and it WILL be good. I am a pretty decent cook, but once in a while... We cut birch saplings not tamarack and I have no idea what he is going to do with them.
cmag – glad the roofers are looking after things – try to keep your cool about the NH meeting –so nice to see what burning that letter did for you. I took a lesson from you and wrote a letter to my sister this morning. I don’t think I am finished with it yet, but it was good to write what I did so far
maya – a broken back – u have had lots happen in tour life –Gary broke his neck when he was young bull riding and broken his pelvis in several places from a fall –not to speak of a shoulder trampled by a horse etc etc. He suffers sometimes now and heat helps. I haven’t seen those things u mentioned here. Gosh -those cousins of your -who do they think they are??? Hope you mum’s incision gets looked after soon. Glad you have faith in one of the doctors. I know the feeling of not counting – but let me tell you –you DO count!!!
Ladee – hope you have had a good day just for you! Time off is precious. Let us know how you are.
Bee – how long for you think you will have to wait for surgery now. I am 74 and I am “allowed” too. I just roll my eyes behind her back. I remember one time I came down to mother’s city with my middle son, as he was having dental surgery. That was the purpose of our visit. He had it, I had to drive him around, I was tired and stayed in the hotel and called mother and we went back home the next day as we both had to get to work. Mother got mad at me when I called as a phone call was not a visit. This was years ago when she was in her apartment and fine. It was always like that –her first.
Vic hope things are settling down.
Seeme – babies –love holding babies too. Good news!!!
Everyone - thinking if you and hoping you will have a good weekend. Check in and let us know how u r.
Last night we went out in the woods, pushing through red willow branches, tripping over deadwood, and squishing in mud in the low marshy spots. While Gary cut the birch, I walked around. There were small clearings between the birch and spruce on the higher land. They were beautifully quiet until a few ½ ton trucks, with eager hunters hanging out the windows, roared along the gravel road. In one place, I walked on a carpet of light grey green lichens which crunched underfoot. The air had that bitter cold quality which signals the beginning of winter. I wore a ski jacket and had to put the hood up and even then I was a little cool. Today I finished processing the deer soup. I am impressed with my new cauldron. To redeem myself I made a decent rhubarb, cranberry, apple crisp and am cooking up some apple sauce. One more batch of those apples to go – a pie I think. They have a wonderful scent, even in the bag. I am craving fruit these days which doesn’t always agree with me, so tomorrow may be interesting. G has gone to get my moose. Don’t know where we will put the meat if he does get one. However, problems like that I can deal with.
Love, hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo
brandy.....glad it was a good day for you.......For myself, I couldn't imagine having the stamina to care for 2 with dementia. You have my admiration for doing that. I'm sure it's tough to see your mother like that, but for your husband also is doubly heartbreaking. Keep visiting with us, I'm sure you have a lot to offer here.
Didn't do much of anything today.......I'm getting real good at that! Target is making homemade bread right now........sure is nice that he likes to cook...lol
Spoke with the col tonight and she is demanding to come home. Explained to her again that she can't right now....this time she changed tactics on us....started with a whiny little girl voice about how no one loves her and there's nothing wrong with her. Makes my brain tired.
Hope every has had a good day.................love and hugz!
I got a call from the nursing home saying that we needed a family care plan meeting and one goal is to explain to my step-dad why my mother can't go home at this point and why she can't go out to shop. Evidently, there are other issues as well that make this meeting necessary for Monday am. I've told the nursing home when I can meet with them and they will get back with me once they see when my step-dad can be there.
I'm trying to keep this mess from taking away from my new joy and freedom, I need to find something very fun to do today that will get my mind off of everything. Oh, and add to this my wife's back is in horrible pain. Dang!
She goes to her primary on the fourteenth. It's only her second visit with him, but she needs her meds refilled and it's the only way she's going to get them done. He's not Mr. Personality, but he was the one who got her to the wound care clinic where they discovered the latest abscess and sent her to the first surgeon. He may have just saved her life by doing so.
Second surgeon is the one who didn't consider the infection emergent until it came to the surface and began to drain on its own. He's got a whole lot of awards, but she hasn't seen him in two months, only his resident. At least the new doctor --- a plastic surgeon of all things --- has seen her and will be assisting in the closure of the wound after the second or third surgery, whichever one he's supposed to be doing, to remove the dead skin on the outside. He's older and he actually sees his patients instead of just reviewing charts and writing orders.
Me, I'm about to go put a load in the washer and go to the grocery store in Dallas. Ladee, we have Dallas and Waco in this state too. And they're all right here. We also have a Denver as well. Why is anyone's guess.
CMag.....sounds like the idiots didn't put a liner under the shingles, am hoping your insurance company steps up so someone knowledgeable will be able to do the job right. You've made your phone calls, so sit back and enjoy your day.......at least you won the ..............COW PATTIE..................!
Ro.....the official translation of crotch rocket: A specific type of motorcycle, typically distinguished by it's aerodynamic 'hunched-over' seating position and high power to weight ratio. Often favoured by stunters, who choose the bikes because they are light and easy to perform tricks (such as wheelies and stoppies) on.
Crotch rockets are not always Japanese motorcycles, Italian companies such as Ducati manufacture quite high-quality crotch rockets as well.
ladee.........no rock throwing today.....you only carry them in sacks to beautify your home.....you don't want to undo all that hard work.....:)
seeme.........congrats on new babies in the family and yes, those are good weights and momma is going to have so much fun with letting people find out they are really twins.
Maya......did you ask your cousin just what makes him think "you have to do it all"? Wouldn't you love to look at all these people and say "now watch my back as I walk away"? Sometimes it's best to close certain doors. I had to do that with my 2 daughters. I don't believe I have ever seen any 2 more self-centered, self-absorbed human beings in my life. They certainly weren't raised that way, but they both think the world revolves around them.
I hope everyone has a wonderful day and can find just a little bit of peace and contentment.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Maya, a hundred years from now it won't matter what you say to the ones that upset you... go for it, just make sure you are willing to pay the consequences.... may they be good or bad.... sometimes for me, it is well worth the consequences of having someone mad at me, at least they leave me alone.....
Bee, sorry you are having such a hard time reading.... I do not know what I would do if it were me..... I am a compulsive reader, street signs, menus, ect.... I read about three books a week, so hope you get this fixed for you soon.... prayers for everyone this morning......
I didn't have children of my own and when I'm old, short of a miracle from God, there won't be anyone to care for me. Know what I mean? The siblings I have won't stick it out with me then. They won't stick it out with their own mother now.
I tried calling the social worker where mom is, but had to leave her a message.
What a morning!
Who needs these aggravations?
Hang in there. You are not alone.
I went on a feel sorry for myself jag in an e-mail to my best friend about not being able to sleep through the night, about living off No-Doz so that I can function when I'm awake. He listened and didn't comment. He knows when I'm venting and he doesn't tell me I'm wrong. Yesterday, I talked to my cousin and his wife about not sleeping and basically, I was told to get over it, that I had to do it all regardless of what it does to me and my own health. I wanted to smack the crap out of him, but I didn't. If he says anything like that to me again, I'm going to remind him that he's never been a caregiver, that he had the chance to help with his dad and didn't because he was waiting to be asked and how ridiculous it still sounds that he would have to be asked. I'm not going to just let it go any longer. What they don't seem to get is that if something happens to me, there won't be anyone else to step up to the plate for my mother. You know, I no longer care if these people give a flip about me, because they're all caught up in themselves and who they think they are. I'm seeing all kinds of carefully crafted illusions come down.
And I'd love to know how these folks have all gotten disability and early Medicare. If they're able to have a lawn care and gardening business where they're the sole employee, they're not disabled. It galls me that someone younger than I am is getting disability and Medicare even though he can still manage to do yard work at fifty bucks an hour. Then, he has the nerve to complain about the co-pays that he has to come up with because Medicare doesn't cover it all.
In the meantime, my mother's been shuffled off on another doctor. I think these folks are trying very hard to spread the liability issues of their non-care around. I'm documenting it all just in case.
Sorry you didn't get your night out, fella. I know what you mean about being "allowed" to do things. At our age, 62, my Mom still tries to basically force feed my husband and I when we visit. We rarely eat sweets. She always buys pies when wer're visiting. She insists we will eat it or wear it. She has yet to carry out her threat, but it is never a pleasant time.
Seeme, congrats! Isn't it a joy to welcome little ones into our lives? We now have 3 grand daughers : Taylor, 2, Julianne, turns 1 in Dec, and Olivia just 2 months old. Christmas shopping this year will be fun!
I often talk about rainbows in my day. Seeing new picuures of the babies always brightens a day for me. For these rainbows, I am grateful.
My friend suggested that, instead, I pray, ask, beg for joy, peace, harmony, rest, anything but patience.
Today, I have to work with Mom to balance her checkbook - long distance. It will take me several hours on the phone to accomplish what I could do in 15 minutes or less by myself. But I will have to hear the stories behind everything, more than once. Talk about needing patience!
So this morning, I will pray for all of us. I will ask for peace of mind, harmony in our relationships, and a moment or two of joy to treasure and give us hope.
Happy Friday, friends.
Have you ordered your babies yet??? You haven't said anything so hope that plan is still in place... for those that don't know, it is puppy babies and I want pics of them.....
And what Seeme said is right Ro, just a play on words...it's funny to me, but then it doesn't take much for me does it....
love everyone, day off, will be napping most of the day...
Rosella, I don't watch that show, but it could be a play on the term "Crotch Rocket" which describes foreign (to us) made motorcycles that go fast, but tilt the body so it looks like the driver is leaning forward trying to get more speed out of it. Not a very funny line to me......hope that helps.......
I am translating the latest ep of Criminal Minds. In the line
HOTCH (into computer) Garcia, start compiling a list of missing persons (over computer) and crimes in the area.
GARCIA (into computer) Faster than a Hotch Rocket.
What does it mean Garcia's line? Why is it funny? Can you explain to me PLZ?
This time, it was I want to get out again, but this time to shop Sat. afternoon at a yard sale. She said other people get to check out for a day trip, why could not she do the same thing although she said, she would have to be in her wheel chair for they don't want her to walk out of fear of falling. I agreed yes she did not want to fall and break her hip again. Then she claimed that she had fallen years ago and broke her hip and her mother took her to the doctor. I knew right then that dementia was kicking in big time. No one does not want to her walk so she will not fall. She has not walked in 2 1/2 years because she refused to work with PT. She wants me to call the social worker in the am to see if she can go shopping on Saturday, but she does not want me to tell the social worker that it is a yard sale. Not a chance in Oz that she is going to be able to do that.
Another sign of her dementia was the invitation for my family to come up there for Thanksgiving. Like sure, we are going to have our Thanksgiving meal in the nursing home. I told her that we already had plans but would come up to visit. She said she would allow me to do that but to make sure that I brought both of our boys. No mention of my wife coming or not. "Allow" me who is 54, now that is a joke although when I was younger and she was younger, I would not have been allowed and I would have had to do only what I was "allowed" to do.
We ended the conversation with her saying for me to come and visit, just to visit whenever I could. No mention about come up Sat. to take me shopping.
The place where I go for open mike night downtown was closed due to the heater being broken. So, I don't have my outlet and escape for Thursday night like I normally do. Thus, I'm in my man cave just chillin.
Hugs, love, and prayers to all for a good night's rest and as good of a weekend as is possible. :)
Jo, it doesn't matter the cake didn't come out very good. Always keep experimenting! One day you could stumble upon a fantastic recipe.
Maybe G wants to make an original Christmas tree with the tamarack. Maybe he wants to grow mushrooms! I am curious!
talking the day off - after a week of cr*p dealing with my sib. I have been sleeping only about 3-5 hrs and need to catch up. Since Gordie died I am hypervigilant - get stressed more easily and it affects my sleep more than anything My sis does not acknowledge anything she has said and gives the responsibility for any upset to her daughter, our mother, and me. However the upside is that she does acknowledge that she and I need not pretend to be friends. Works for me. We never were friends. All this stuff is exhausting. Gary, who has seen the emails, shakes his head in wonder. Hopefully, that will be the end of it, but I doubt it. There has always been an unhealthy triangle between me, mother and my sister with me being the target, and I don't see her giving up that game so easily. But there are ways to cope with that too.
Still above freezing and still no snow - wonderful!!!
The pecan pie was a disaster. It had almost 5 stars in review but was tasteless - I agree with the person who gave it a 1 out of 5. Gary, what a good guy - ate it anyway without complaint. He doused it with cinnamon and cayenne and said it was still tasteless. The crust was good. Go figure. I will have to redeem myself and make a decent pie - maybe apple.
He is off to hunt with his uncle this weekend (an annual event) - so another quiet weekend for me and the cat, which is good, and then more butchering,
mis - glad your foot report was good
lisa - crafts are a great idea. I used knit and crochet and should get back into it -hope the antidepressants are kicking in and helping you to feel better
bee - how frustrating that the order has not even gone in !!! and that mum is still looking for the kids -so difficult
cmag -so glad you are still feeling the benefits
ladee- hope u are having a good day and some relaxation
jam - the col is blossoming there. Darn -the custard type ice cream goes rock hard too, Maybe I won't try it -apaprently the amount of fat, sugar and alcohol will affect the texture. I added 5T sugar to my last batch and it went hard but 2 mins in the microwave and it was a good texture. Going to try alcohol in the recipe next!
shawna -you sound good - and that mum is doing well
dede -sounds like u r doing a great job looking out for ur mum -
sdpeg - glad mum is doing better -the timing is about right for the meds - arranging crystal must have been fun -a change anyway
maya - how is ur mum's incision and how ur u?
burned - hope some things are working out - u haver such a load to deal with
54 -wondering how you and hubby are
starri is in a bikini in the sunshine
seeme - hope you got the house damage repaired from a month ago and u r taking it easy?
stormy - missing you - how r things?
vic -sorry u r having a hard day and mum got so upset - it would be easier in some ways if dad didn't want to keep up with the PT but you have to honour his wishes - hope you get a decent break
everyone - have a good evening, When he gets home G and I are going out cutting tamarack boughs for a project - He won't tell me what the project is. He loves secrets and surprises.
love, hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo