This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Cmag.....as I previously stated, I'm glad the roof is on.....less noise to ruin your day. You sound happier and for that I'm glad. I hope you get the insurance straightened out for your mother. You would think they would have been informed of a name change but too often those "little" things get overlooked.
ladee........I'll have my bags packed and standing on the corner when you win the lottery....just make it a short nervous breakdown please....I don't want to wait long for my ride...........oh, did I mention that I'm going to Italy with you to see Rossella?
I made a custard type ice cream this time, chilled it for 24 hours then popped it in the ice cream freezer...within 2 min it was rock solid and just sat and spun....had to have Target help me dig it out.....chocolate with walnuts and almond flavoring.....yummmmmmmmm
Jo.........this ice cream is your fault ya know.....and I love you for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And here I've dropped 10lbs and eating ice cream....but homemade has no calories, right? And it's good for me because chocolate is a food group.....:) I loved seeing the pics of Gordie's bench.........how wonderful for you to see that and thoughtful for someone to do it.
SDPeg.......good luck with getting all your "homework" done. I'm sure you are looking forward to your break. And so glad to hear that mom's antidepressant is kicking in. Sometimes it takes a month or maybe two before you really start to see differences. And her appetite is probably going to increase also.
Bee....Carol.....I wish it was easier for you to get your mom to accept help. We were in your situation 2 yrs ago and finally had to just say "this is the way it's going to be", the decision is no longer yours. We had her sign a POA 6 yrs ago, so she really didn't have much choice when it finally got so bad that she couldn't care for herself. The deciding point was when she fell off her back porch, 4 ft onto rocks, cracked the back of her head open and when she fell she landed on her left side wedged between a large rock and the hardened stem of some plant that would have impaled her if she had fallen flat. She was so depressed that she started drinking and then couldn't make it up the stairs to her bathroom. Needless to say, you can imagine the shape her house was in. It took $4000 and 3 men to strip the inside of her house when we finally got her moved 2 yrs ago. But it had to be done. Now, we are at the next step.
I'm using the excuse right now that I have a headache, darn herniated discs, and won't try to mention everyone by name............but just remember that I am the "Mother Hen" and yes, I read everything from each and every one of you and you all are included in my daily prayers while this wagon train is still plodding along........
Love and Hugz to all of you,
Jam
I finally resent my brother the text about when he is coming...he said he saw it and forgot. he said the would be here thanksgiving...DUH!!! .... well it got worse as my sweet mom frets about change. she wants to see my brother and her gkids and ggkids but is afraid of one of the kids running and her falling oh...they are supposed to bring a cat! well mom loves animals but she is afraid that she may step on it and trip.. poor lady she was half in tears yesterday with worry. I did what I could to ease her mind ... today she seems better but who knows. I did tell my brother that he needs to remember she is this way and that it is not always best to tell her things so far ahead. finally got out of him he may be here wed nite and leave early Sunday... and you bet I am going to run!!! i don't care if it is to a hotel in town. oh well....enough said. what happens or doesn't happen happens! one day at a time right! my main concern is for my parents and trying to take care of myself. get so emotional sometimes... thanks all for being here and loving me just as I am!
You are all in my prayers each and every day.
Checking in to see how everyone is doing today and hoping it's been good.
We went to visit with the col this morning and took her doggie to see her. Yes, he was happy to see her and jumped into her lap, then laid down on the floor and decided it was nap time. She doesn't want us to bring any pictures to put on her walls as that will just be too much to carry when she is released. We will just deal with that daily when she asks......this will be the only time in history that a month may equal years.....lol. She is happy and being cooperative, today was PT, and she seems to be doing better with her walker.
CMag..........glad your roof is on
My mom's meds MUST be finally kicking in because even if she is down a bit (or "lousy" as she calls it) I am able to help her see the bright side of things. That's a plus; never have been able to do that before.
I may be a bit awol for the next few weeks with papers, presentations, finals coming up. Just can't wait for break ~ just in time for the holidays. I am doing better than I thought I would with all the added responsibilities with mom so that's good.
I took an afternoon off yesterday and arranged a display of Swarovski crystal jewelry my daughter creates at the local consignment shop. I would have preferred to spend more time typing and printing labels but that's ok. She wants these items in for only two months (leftovers from a craft fair) so I wasn't going to put too much into it you know. But the display is pretty (posted on my FB) and items are reasonably priced. It was nice to take a few hours and be creative and chat with the manager of the store (swiftly becoming a friend) instead of hitting the books! Yes, nice break.
I wish you all well. We here in CA are still having hotter weather, not good for fire threat, and we look forward to cooler weather in a few weeks (that's wishful thinking). Snow? No thanks!!! I am definitely a CA girl!!!
Hugs across the miles
SDPeg
Bee
Shawna, I found your website. I don't always notice the - I'm so busy just trying to (see) read the posts. lol Your art work in very nice!
I cried yesterday. I called to find if the new "medically necessary" lens for my right eye had arrived. (I have serious cornea damage.) I've been waiting 2 months now and it hasn't even been ordered. The specialist had me all pumpted up: this new lens is going to radically improve my quality of life.
Don't you just love how the insurance industry controls our lives?
My evening call to Mom found her in tears because she's "sick of these people just ignoring me". She was a little winded from her walk - out to see if she could find the kids to get them "home for dinner". She admitted she is depressed because of this "situation". I need to get ther to have a face to face talk about this "situation".
Well, i hope today is a better day - for all of us.
Carolyn
Ladee: "When I win the lottery I will be able to afford to have a nervous breakdown" is soooooooooooo true! Let's hope that when we win the lottery we have some nice travels, though.
Shawna you are always very busy! Tks God you have the energy.
Dede, you are at the stage where your mother needs help and she doesn't admit it and you have to worry that she is safe! I know it very well. Most of us have already been there. It took me months maybe more than a year to convince my mother to accept a help... Be patient!
Goodnight everybody....
Just a quick hello and goodnight to everyone....lol. Been busy today and will get caught up with everyone tomorrow.
Shawna.....yes I got everything today and thank you very much! My Christmas shopping is officially begun now.....great items, very pleased.
Rained most of the evening and it's down in the 30's so we all know what that means...........I most certainly am not ready for winter weather. And the dogs aren't very happy either. Oh my, they hate getting those little paws wet. My little chihuahua looks at me like "uh huh....you're not making me go out there"..........
Must get some sleep.........hope everyone has a peaceful night.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Vic I am glad your dad was able to stand on the scales ... its not an easy feat I know. When family gets there run don't walk take sometime for yourself.
Ros ... I wish you get a break soon... honey..
Ladeeda ... what is there to say darlin I wish I could make everything better for you between you and you son. But you need to do what ya need to do. I am here anytime you need me.
CMAg enjoy your man cave and freedom ...
Jam well it says your stuff arrived today I hope you liked it. :-D
Might need to find a new supplier for my stuff not sure. That and help fixing when it comes to the water bottles I dont like the way they come out... anyway Hope you all have a nice weekend ...
Ro, you are my Italian sister, and I wish I was there with you... we could get our mind off of so many things and just laugh, talk and drink coffee.... love , hugs and prayers for you......
Bee, my heart breaks for you about your brother..... I have gone to too many addicts funerals in my life... I hate the disease of Addiction as much as I hate Alz.... both destroy the person and the family.... prayers for you.....
Vic, I am so proud of you, you teach me to perservere.... am so happy to hear dad was able to get on the scale... tho your back and body paid a price, it was a victory for you both... love ya girl....Have your bags packed and RUN don't walk when they get there, you and hubby go somewhere and keep it a secret.....
Mis, your sil sounds like my son, lord, we are all kin to each other thru crappy sibs and extened family..... makes me crazy thinking about it...happy to hear you foot is going to be ok.... practice kicken ass now and keep it in shape...be careful in Detroit...
Jo, you and I could throw our "ugly sisters' in pile and we wouldn't know who was who....
Jam, glad your team won, ok, ok, I'm a few days late with that, but you know I think of you all the time.... hope you are eating good icecream tonite...
Seeme Sue, I love you and miss you so much...... prayers for you always.... wish I could come set on your porch and just chill for awhile... love to hear you laugh.... makes my day..... just know how much you are loved...... every afternoon before I lay down for my nap, I say "ni-night Seeme"...... we are both snoozing, we need it....
Told Jam today that if I ever win the lottery the first thing I am going to do is have a nervous breakdown...... I deserve it...... love and hugs to everyone....
The biggest thing that has taken place is I wondered why my mother's long term insurance check did not show up on the 1st like it normally does. Turns out it is due to a name change in her nursing home from being a nursing home to being a short term care and rehab place. This is what appeared on October's bill and has slowed things down for mom's insurance company thinks she is in a different place and not receiving nursing home type care anymore. I called the business office where my mom is and explained to them my need for them to fax a letter to my mother's insurance co. saying this is a new name for the same place, why they changed their name and that my mother is still receiving nursing home level care. I would hate to think we would have to move her to somewhere with the word nursing home in the title just to get her insurance to pay.
Lu, I hope you can find some support and help to get back off of your addiction.
Prayers and hugs to all.
SdPeg and Vic my sil just might be related to your brothers and sdpeg's sister. She's exactly the same way except for she only comes over when she wants something cause she thinks her grandma has money. That the same for my nieces but at least they call every once in a while to see how their great grandma is doing. Both of them are in their 20's and starting families and work so I kinda of understand on their part. My sil lives in a fantsy world so to speak. She stayed with us for a few months and thought it would be fun. She quickly found out it wasn't. She works in fast food and claimed that she was tired all of the time. I quickly nipped that. I told her I work 40hrs a week in factory doing cleaning and when she has days off she needs to be cleaning this house and where she sleeps at cause I'd better not see a mess when I come home. Yeah I was a real b towards her. I don't like her anyways, but being lazy made it worse. When she moved out I celebrated. I just don't like fake people all caring and trying to be serious but coming off as being fake.
I went back to the foot doctor today and got my results. He said that they are in the normal range. They took a biopsy of my skin just above my ankles to read the nerves. I almost jumped for joy when they told me that it was normal. I said that's good to hear even than I have a mutant gene. I have to go back at the end of the month and get a PAD test. I already know how that's gonna come out. I only have one vein in my leg that brings the blood back to the heart. Plus I got a script to get diabetic shoes the place is suppose to call me back to see where I can get them at. If it ain't one thing it is another. Oh well I'll just roll with flow and see what happens. A famous tv preacher once said " Tough times don't last, but Tough people do." I tend to live by those words. I ran out of time getting my Christmas lights out to test them and I sure won't get it tomorrow either cause I have to go to Detroit for training. I hate driving in big cities it takes me out of my element cause there is no trees around.
Hope everyone has a good rest of the week and will check in if I'm not too tired from the drive tomorrow and Friday.
Hugs to all and still praying here.
quiet day on the thread - hope everyone ihad an OK day
still no snow here - that is a bonus into November - pumpkin pie in the oven -
Mother is happy as she got a letter of thanks and a lapel pin from the provincial govt opposition for her advocacy for seniors in health care etc and also she got some recognition from some people in a seniors group. She thinks she has given them things to do - she may have given them some ideas, but I do think they had things to do before she came on their scene. Whatever! She is happy for a little while and says I helped her - nice to have a positive amongst all the usual negatives.
Hope everyone has a good evening.
love, hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo
I thought (ha ha erroneously) that when my brother came to visit he would take my mom places so I could get some rest, watch tv, go out and have time to myself, get homework done ... NOT!!!
He spent his days visiting my mom texting my sister complaining I was avoiding him, hiding in my room, refusing to talk to him etc. I laughed because one day he said I wasn't home to purposely avoid him. WHAT? I was at the university sitting in classrooms learning and earning my degrees!!! He thinks he has that much power over me? That was actually very funny.
So my advice to those who hear that family members may be visiting (with or without exes, children, friends, etc) let me know NOW that you will be awol during the day(s)/time(s) they will be with mom/dad/family member/etc. Direct communication puts YOU in control. (My therapist is helping me with this.) Even though we may hear from others and not from the source, we CAN have the control. So if that means that when brother shows up you exit ... FLEE!!! and be FREE!!! and have FUN!!! And if he says you are avoiding him say "nope, just want respite care and thanks".
My mom had said with my brother here she wanted one-on-one time with him (although he brought girlfriend ~ that's another issue all together). So I respected her wishes ... so if he would have asked if I was avoiding him, I would have explained it was my mom's wishes and had nothing to do with him. I will do the same thing when my sister visits ... they don't come that often and I am here 24/7 so my mom should have that time with them. And besides if I didn't live with mom, they would NEVER come to visit me myself. So the visit isn't about YOU or ME, it is about the person they came to visit.
Oh dear, rambling on again ... hope that helps.
He does not have control over you.
He cannot let you be down about this.
SDPeg
My brother told my mom yesterday that he plans to come for thanksgiving and bring his ex wife now back together and daughter and two children. she asked me if I knew..no mom first I heard of it! Soo I send text to see if I can get days he will be here...hubby comes home the night before...no response....absolutely sucks! So blah yesterday cause I let him have power over me... Ok I can play that game too! When he walks in I will be ready to leave somewhere anywhere. One day a week to have someone here is just enough to keep me out of Insane but I really need some time to just chill.....oh well ...I will not let this get me down...I will not let this get me down.......
Please, take care of you! If someone else has to take over other aspects of life, so be it. You are precious!
Starry I am happy you enjoy sunshine in California even if you are not at the beach!
Mslisa, I am sorry, you seem to have a very hard time.
Ladee thanks I appreciate so much your support. Yes it is very hard!I miss my little one so much.
Yesterday we had a very nice walk with the 3 remaining dogs, and one of my little friends, the one that you see in the picture on Facebook with the donkey. We met 3 boys (from 6 to 10 years of age) and they came with us and the dogs. So I walked with my dogs and 4 children and I liked to see them laugh and play together! Rexy was crazy, 4 people throwing sticks!
Carolyn 150 kids coming to your door is quite a lot! I guess you had bought a ton of candies. I like the idea of your aunt Virg talking to your mother. Who knows! Maybe she really talks to her. "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
than are dreamt of in your philosophy"
Jo, what a nice story about Gordie's flowers. Seeing the pictures I thought you had put them there. The fact that it was a friend, is even sweeter.....
It's morning here and I have to do some errands... No work today. Better! I hope I have some work tomorrow.
The feeling of overwhelm is real and then having the "Mayor of Crazy Town" to take care of intensifies the "overwhelm".
I am not equipped to help regarding the relapse (perhaps others here are equipped). This group is very wonderful in sharing personal stories and perhaps one of theirs will help you.
In the meantime is there any individual or group that you could contact that could help you with your relapse? And any community/church resources you can tap into while you feel so overwhelmed?
SDPeg