This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Peg of Arizona, Burned in, I am sorry you are having such a difficult period. I am lucky right now with my mother, we have sort of a peaceful routine that I hope will last for a while. I don't have the illusion it will last forever.
ASG, I think that many years ago, too, there were peaceful deaths and long exhausting deaths.. People talked less about it, I think. People talked less "in general". People died when they were younger, but if they had a bad disease they had a lot of pain, too. Maybe, a long time ago, things went a little bit faster because there weren't the treatments and the medicines that exist today... I agree with Ladee, I won't do it for myself, and as soon as I see something is really wrong I don't think I will cling to life just to prolong it a few years or a few months.
Ladee I am sorry, problems again with your son?
Kuli has lost her father several hours ago... If you know her, maybe you want to tell her something.
Goodnight
Before I "updated" a few websites I was able to read and respond to the posts on this site, I guess I have to do something in order to take the block off that has disabled me to do so. I love reading these posts while in between classes or at lunch while at school. I have grown to care for many, many if not almost all of you that I have gotten to know. I will have to take time to figure out what glitch the updating caused.
I have said this before and I will say it again: we are all in the same boat so let's keep rowing together and always remember to wear our life jackets!!!
Love across the miles,
SDPeg
Rex is my hubby's dad. I call him dad. My folks live in Mass, my dad is my mother's primary caregiver, my younger sister lives with them, and does her part as well. I know. I have two other siblings that all check in with them weekly. I'm here they are there. I left after high school and have been 'away' since. It was not ideal growing up, but all has been forgiven, he was beaten as a kid and I have forgiven him for his poor parenting choices. He has redeemed himself with taking care of mom. I will see if he is aware of the shoes, i love the idea. again thank you everyone for being here and caring so much for all of us.
burned.....I hope you can get things straight with your landlord. I don't know the laws in your state, but I would think it would be illegal to evict someone with health problems such as your husband is suffering from. Do you qualify for subsidized housing? Here it is called Section 8, don't know about elsewhere. I hope things settle down for you soon.
Pegly.....does anyone have POA for Fil or is he still responsible for himself? Tell bully bro to come get him, you will have his bags packed. You shouldn't have to put up with strong-armed tactics from anyone. If he doesn't want to do that and FIL doesn't want to go, then just stand up to big mouth and tell him to keep it shut. It really irritates me how many people are held hostage by big bags of hot air that don't want to do anything more than run their mouths. Okay, I'm climbing down off my soapbox now. It's been a tough day of doing nothing. Talked with the col earlier and she is doing great. Played Bingo this morning, today was "Ice cream social day", she sounded happy. Told us not to bring pictures to put on her walls because she won't be there that long......surprise!!!!!!
Hope everyone has a good evening......
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
She died they butchered her up trying to fix her. Caused her so much pain and probably lessened the time we had with her. She was in her late 80s. Don't ask me why I am thinking on this tonight, my heart is just heavy for my grandpa. It was so sad seeing him this way. Its even sadden seeing it go on. They say he will just die suddenly at any moment. I can't imagine.
he did they bu
TPeg, well , sometimes the hornets needs to be bothered.... you have a right to express yourself about the situation... and the fact your mom is not doing well, and you are taking care of fil, well, is he your step fil???? Am happy to hear you are stating your feelings.... no one can read our mind...... and maybe it is time for him to go home.... and bully brother, well let them come do a welfare check, then they will know bully brother is crying 'wolf'...... I hate it for you that things have to get so messy, but maybe this will be a blessing in disguise..... no matter the outcome, you got to have your feelings.... so proud of you for taking a stick to the hornets nest... nothing changes unless something changes... so let us know what happens.... and be proud of yourself for standing up for what you believe.... hugs to you...
I certianly stirred up things, but Dad has decieded to not go hunting. And told Bully this much on the phone. Bully even threatened to send the police to do a welfare check on "his" dad. Please send them. We are not holding him here against his will, and that he chooses to stay with us over the option to go to bully's house, says volumes as well.
On the home front, I called my dad to see how my mom is, ALZ. and she has taken to wondering off, and also disposing of her id tag. She wasn't able to pass urine and her lower back hurt. So I was really worring about her as well. I talked with him again this morning, she was able to give the doctor a sample and the pain had gone by that time. she is on Cipro and will remain so for 10 days, and then start another lower grade antibiotic. He has really gone through alot with taking care of her. He still has a sense of humor, saying it could be worse, one of the neighbors had ALZ and she used to take her clothes off and going walking up the streets of town.
Burned, I wish I could say something that would help. Your landlord is scum, he shouldn't be able to change your lease in the middle of health crisis. Is there any free legal aid in your area?
SDPeg, oh honey, your mom will help you, your car is necessary. Bully bro can take a hike.
I leave my FB on all day too, it's a bad habit. darn FB games, addictive.
Cmag thanks.
Stormy, hugs
everyone else here, lots of love.
Stormy oh my God never a moment of peace, poor dear! I really hope some peace arrives in your family.
Ladee thanks for your messages on Facebook. I'll write you there, later!
'Night everybody
He "sees" all transactions because he has all of her accounts online.
What SHE does with HER money is HER business.
For instance, today, she has very little cash in her wallet and caregiver and mom will probably go to the bank to withdraw. Once brother sees withdrawal he questions my mom on what that withdrawal is for seeing as he has most of her bills paid online as well. So it is more so noticing the withdrawal, questioning my mom about each and every withdrawal, and she answers him. She does not keep secrets from him at all.
So she could lend a dozen people money without his immediate knowledge or consent legally but it is more so the stress of the questioning etc etc that I am focusing on.
Or maybe I won't focus on that today and just enjoy my class this morning, counseling this afternoon and meditation group later this afternoon. Then if and when he questions ME I will tell him "that's between me and mom". Maybe I could leave out "none of your business" ha ha
Actually if you think about it, the stress is between him and my mom and not me at all. I am just a borrower and that does not involve him at all.
This group is not only great for suggestions and input but great for the brain while trying to process some things.
Thanks!!!
SDPeg
My dilemma is how to deal with judgmental brother.
WE ALL have these siblings that really need to hear "this is none of your business so butt out" and seriously this is where I am at today ... tell him to mind his own business and how and when I repay mom is between her and me. It's these siblings that add stress rather than the repair cost itself.
Maybe I have answered my own dilemma ... so this post I am asking for prayers to be strong enough and bold enough to say "butt out".
Thanks for your input. Thanks for listening.
SDPeg
It's dark and gloomy, a little rainy, sitting here with a cup of coffee and wondering what I am going to do today since I don't have to fire up the camera and check in on the col and I read CMag's last post and I just want to thank you! Reading what you wrote about feeling calmer instantly gave me a feeling of peace and a sense that today will be a very good day.
Shawna......I saw last night that you had tried to talk to me on FB............never fear, I am not ignoring you! I have a bad habit of being there and getting up to do something else and it may be hours before I get back. By the way, I loved the pic of mom scooping out that pumpkins innards..............
SDPeg.......I agree with CMag on your car. Get a second opinion before you start pouring money into a lost cause. A couple of yrs ago we were having trouble with our car and no one would touch a Cadillac, said we had to take it to a dealer, well there isn't one close. The place that does all of our glass repair sent us to a garage, he immediately diagnosed the problem and repaired everything except the heat for the driver's seat....thought there was a short in the wire, so we said no problem. As long as I have the heat on my side we're okay.....:) And he also helped another friend who thought she was looking at thousands of dollars in repairs, he told her to give him a day to look up the error code she was getting, and it turned out the fix was a fuse. Even though you are friends with your mechanic, a second opinion might save you a lot of money.
stormy.........Stomach acid is what makes the blood look like coffee grounds.
I will check back a little later after I have read everyone's posts.
Love and Hugz to all,
BTW, yesterday was a good turning point in my life as pertaining to 6 years of therapy with a 2 year focus on a certain person in my family of origin to whom I wrote a letter, (not to be mailed), expressing my anger and pain which I read to my therapist. My therapist said, I had finally gotten totally in touch with my anger and asked what I wanted to do with the letter. I told him that I wanted to burn it. We had enough time to go outside, burn the letter, pray a prayer of release of all that pain, anger, guilt, shame, homicidal thinking, etc. as it finished burning in the can and then concluded by casting the ashes of the letter into the wind. I feel free and much calmer. Come what may today, this is how I'm doing today.
How old is this car? How many miles does it have on it? Are these the first really major repairs it has needed or has it been nickle and dimming you along the way? I ask that because to put $3,500-$5,000 into a car that is very old might now be as good an idea as spending a little more on a younger used car with lower miles. That's my opinion. If it is the head gasket and that is all you can do is to get that repaired, then get it done soon before the anti-freeze goes into your cylinders and costs you the entire engine.
I do need opinions and I don't mind how differing they are.
6 weeks ago I spent almost $2000 on the transmission in my car. I was overjoyed to have that problem resolved. (Not so overjoyed to pay the bill however!!!)
Last night my check engine light went on and today the mechanic (not at the tranny shop) said it looks like the head gasket and gave me an estimate of between $1500 and $3000. What choice do I have? I need my car. We are out in the rural area and it is miles from everywhere!!! Ok, so much for justifying telling him to go ahead and figure out what needs to be done and he will call me along the way and yes I trust him (he is well known in this town and his wife is my mom's hairdresser so there is no reason not to trust him with his input on what needs to be done).
This is my problem: my brother, yep, here he is again in my thoughts and posts. He has his finger in my mom's financial pie. My mom offered to help me with the repairs (help in what form I do not know at this time because I was weeping ~ I cry when I am mad ~ and I didn't ask her to clarify) and I know my brother will find out (mom is a big mouth) and make negative comments. I already alerted my sister and her response is that it is my MOM"S money and the decision is between mom and me but we all know those bully siblings/family members.
There is no option: I have to borrow or receive the money. I welcome input about how to and what to say to this "Golden Boy" ... just because HE has money doesn't mean everyone else does.
And to ask mom to keep this between she and I ... she can't do that ... she is the town crier you know!!!
Thanks for listening ... needed to get all this out before I go to bed.
SDPeg
Well me and sis carried dad to the dr today it was a scheduled appt for a check up on the throat stretch. Dr said that dads throat was more open this time that he went in and he was able to stretch it even more. So he is thinking maybe dad can go longer next time without having to get the stretch done every 6 to 7 weeks. But dad did tell him that he was still having trouble getting stuff down. So doc wants dad to have a barium swallow study done in nov to just swallow different textures of food to see what is going on. Then sis asked him about the coffee grounds in his feeding tube(we have only seen that once) but before she said anything to doc she said i told dad that it was probably coming from his surgery he had done on his throat. And doc said that yeah that is probably what it was. But all these stretches he has never had coffee grounds in his feeding tube. Oh well he is the doctor and i guess he knows what he is talking about.
Dad told sis the other day that he just didn't feel good and she asked him what was bothering him and he said i don't know i just don't feel good. Then today when we get back from the drs office i started cleaning dads neck because it is still sore and the left side is the one that has been bothering him more than the right. And i started looking and i swear that collarbone was swollen. And i started mashing on it and asking dad was it sore here and he said yes. Sis thinks that maybe the infection from his neck has gone to the collarbone. Stormy thinks that the cancer has gone to the collarbone. But i haven't told sis that.... Because she would just say nah it's probably just infection. Hell, I don't know what it is.
Then the other thing is brother has had this thing come up on his ear that has been there for about 2 months we thought it was a cyst(that's what it looked like) and it started getting bigger and getting more sore. Me and sis kept telling him to have it looked at and yesterday he saw the dermatologist and they cut it off and she told him that it looked like basal cell cancer. And she is sending it off and he will have the results next week. But i did read that,that kind rarely spreads lord i hope not. So please keep him in your prayers. He is so comical he said he told the doctor "why don't you just get a whole puncher and punch a hole in there and then i can wear a earring in there. Then the other thing he said about dad was, I told him that sis and i couldn't figure out why dad couldn't get full and he said i know why he said because all that food is going into his lungs. I said boy you are crazy!!!!! He has not done right by me and sis with helping out with dad, but we love him and he does keep us laughing because of his little remarks about everyone. And he is doing better going to church and getting involved in there and he has not had anything to drink in awhile and he has been trying to help out more with dad. Well better get to bed. Talk to ya'll tomorrow. Hugs stormyyyyyyyyyyy