This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Just a few words to say hello, then I am off to bed. Very long, exhausting day.
stormy.......if Dad has "something that looks like coffee grounds" please take a note here........THAT IS BLOOD. You also need to look and see what his bowel movements look like. If they look like black and tarry, that is also blood. A GI bleed can be one or the other or both. Why don't you just take Dad into the ER and have him checked over? Blood coming from the GI tract is not going to be the same that you would see if you cut your finger. If he has a slow bleed going on, you don't want to be there when it comes out either end, it's not pretty.
Hope everyone else has had a good weekend so far. My mind is not up to listing all of you, but be assured I've thought of you all and sending good thoughts your way.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
But I am proud and happy to say, only people looking for support and friendship have found this thread..... positive, loving, supportive people who have contributed so much to keeping this thread alive and healthy....... so sorry you were having a rough day, but we don't say hurtful things on here, as we all have as much pain as we can deal with in our personal lives.....just wanted to say this for any new people on here that may think there is any negative posting done.... doesn't happen here.... God's hands are all over this thread and the people who post here... I am very grateful to Jam for starting it at a time when some of us who have been here for awhile , needed a SAFE place to post...... so onward in our busy lives, much appreciation to the wonderful friends I have made here, and the ongoing support no matter what..... hugs across the miles to everyone......
Ros- Thanks for asking about the potty training for the puppy. I still would like to get one, but i don't think hubby is going to budge on the issue of it being outside and i am not going to get a little baby like that and stick it outside. So more than likely we probably will not be getting one. So i don't know if i will even bring the issue up to hubby anymore. And the lady is giving them away and i saw where one of them kind of dogs go for $1,200.00. Again thanks for asking about tips for the potty training!!!!! I will keep it in mind for future reference just in case we do get one some day.
Well part of the reason i was in my funk yesterday was i forgot to take my antidep. the night before and was feeling the old mean feelings coming back and then it occurred to me that i didn't take my meds. So i popped my pill and a little while later i was Mary Sunshine again. Thank God for Efferxor!!!!
*****************Ros and Ladee-I love you Girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ((((((Hugs))))))*******
I talked to sis today and she said that went she was giving dad his meds through his feeding tube that something that looked like coffee grounds was coming up the feeding tube. And i think all of this was happening last night. She said she did not see anything like that this morning so this afternoon when connor and i went over there to check on him i gave him his meds and i didn't see anything like that coming up so i have no idea what that could have been. To tell you the truth there is noooo telling. What we are going to see from day to day. I called sis yesterday and told her that dad had just coughed up something that looked like it was in a horror movie. No blood just gross looking. He still has this crazy appetite where it's like he is not getting full. I asked him today, Your belly hasn't been hurting has it and he said yes from HUNGER. LOL....... Love ya'll and hugs Stormyyyyyyyyyyyyy
I had better get this written before I get interrupted again with this and that and life in general.
It sounds like we are all trying to keep our "sanity" throughout our days and nights. Of course one day I just might look up "sanity" in the dictionary ... I am guessing all of our pictures will be listed! This group helps keep MY sanity and for that I am thankful.
I have used the term "lead a horse to water" etc for years and recently someone asked me "do you know what happens if you try to MAKE a horse drink? They resist and they resist very strongly". So I had to laugh thinking about what I am trying to achieve with my mom.
Many of you have read over the past few weeks the challenge I have with trying to get her to eat. There are numerous reasons for not eating at this time in her life with age being one (she is 84 years old), grieving the loss of my dad (just 13 months ago), and the depression that comes with losing so much (yep, things in the dumpster by my brother...that was horrifying) at one time. She had been dependent upon my dad for driving here and there and thus hadn't kept up with her own driving and doesn't drive now. I or a caregiver or family member drive(s) her where she wants to go. She had been paying her own bills, writing checks, filing her mail (her system was aborted when things were moved around) etc and she doesn't do that now either. Brother has control over her accounts and many bills are paid online (which my dad deplored that idea) or one or two checks get written a month. Her hearing is 60% gone and she has to wear hearing aids, needs to use a walker, etc all things she did not have (although may have needed) 13 months ago. In other words, her life as she knew it has changed drastically. And with that freedom being ripped from her (for whatever reason) FOOD is the only area she CAN control. This has undoubtedly been a lifelong struggle for her based on tidbits she has shared over the years but it was never tragically detrimental to her health as it is now. Yes it would be fantastic if the thyroid and paxil pills were in her system full force at this time but there are other factors in this equation as well. So my counselor gave me some ideas that I will pass onto you. Seeing as "food" is the issue for my mom I will use that word but if it is another issue (walker, glasses, hearing aids, toilet paper, medication etc) please substitute that word. I have learned to have NO conversations about food. In other words, when we are out dining to have conversations about the ambiance of the restaurant, the people in the restaurant, the seasonal decorations etc. but never about FOOD as that's a trigger word and she will stop eating. If she initiates a conversation about food, I can contribute to that conversation but not open the discussion of food myself. Also I learned that it is ok for her not to eat. That's HER choice. And although she has a weigh in this Friday, whether she has lost or gained weight is no reflection on what I am doing to try to help her reach a goal weight. I put out breakfast with her meds and watch her take her two rxs and then give her space to take the vits, minerals etc by herself. The very important ones at this time are the paxil and thyroid pills. Then I leave the room. If she eats, she eats. I cannot babysit her while she does or does not consume breakfast. I also lay out lunch so she doesn't have to think about it in my absence during the day. I have found that she is putting it away in the cupboard without eating it. I was getting frustrated. And dinner was the same story. "I'm full" she would say and not eat that as well. I was beating my head against a brick wall trying to figure out how one sustains on a few graham crackers and coffee in the morning hours and not consume anything else all day. I would never be able to do that. And certainly SHE cannot possibly live on a few crackers and coffee. But if an eating disorder has been her lifelong cross to bear (and as I decipher some conversations I am beginning to see that it probably has been) I cannot change her perception of herself nor her love/hate relationship with food. This is the ONLY area of her life she is now in control of. And any attempt on my part to have her "eat" in order to satisfy her doc's requirements for this weigh in will be met with NO NO NO I am "full", "not hungry", "too tired to eat" etc etc etc. I am sure you all have heard the same in regard to whatever issue YOU have (hearing aids: "I can hear better without them"). So Peg has learned to look at that brick wall and say "I refuse to have anymore headaches. I refuse to beat my head up against you." It is with fear that anticipate her next appointment this coming Friday. I doubt that she has gained one ounce in the past few weeks of not eating the food I set out and offering Ensure (which she is presently hiding and throwing down the sink). This no weight gain is something she and her doc will have to deal with. This is out of my control. It is with love that I want her to not only live a long life but a happy one as well. I wonder what her doc will say about all of this.
Mom told me that the other night she "passed out". I wanted to say "no duh, you don't eat" but bit my tongue. I did remind her that she has a necklace she is to have on her (medical emergency, you know the kind) and if she refuses to use it then I cannot help her. The pity party actually was: "I am home alone". Well that's her choice as well. Doc suggested the local senior center but Mom ADAMANTLY REFUSED TO GO within one hour of the doc telling her to. This is my take on social events. The first question one asks, other than "how are you?" when in a social setting is "can I get you anything? Coffee? Water?" and I realize that with my Mom's food issue she is not comfortable in a social setting thus will never, ever go to the senior center where food is probably offered with the activities doc says she is to participate in. So although doc said to eat and gain some weight and go out and socialize, Mom will not and that's her lot in life and not mine.
Whew! I think that took me longer to write than it did to analyze in counseling ha ha.
One more thing: (uh oh, I forgot what it was). Oh yeah, whew got scared there for a moment. I have hired yet another caregiver for Mondays that are longer than long because I have an evening class. Mom is throwing a fit because it is costing her money. In the past I have just left and caregiver comes in but now I am mindful that these caregivers may not be getting what they earn because mom has a way of manipulating people. So before I leave for school I get an envelop, write the caregiver's name on it, put the day and time (s)he will be here, and the amount and have her put the money in there herself. This way she sees that she is PAYING someone to come and help her with things. In other words, she won't go out to the senior center that is free (so is the transportation) so she needs to pay someone to be her companion, driver, errand person etc. This new person, a woman, expects to be paid as well so mom's coy way of manipulation won't deny this woman nor her Wednesday man caregiver from making a living. All this and I am a full time student as well. Geez, this is midterm time and the last one I took was horrible so I have to be mindful that mom's lifelong cross to bear is not mine. I have my own, thank you very much.
To all the teachers, past and present, on this thread: thank you for being kind, compassionate, a friend at times, supportive, embracing to your students. I appreciate it. SDPeg
All sorts of thing going thru my head to do.... but I can not run anymore, so had to nix all that drama......
Anyway after a very long and tiring week, now I am more grumpy... so just need to stay to myself today, don't feel like apologizing to anyone today, so will just stay quite when I run errands...
Hope everyone at least gets to go for a walk today... for some of ya'll it will be snow soon....I do not envy ya'll that... but will be supportive while you are fussing as ya'll llistened to me all summer about the heat......
love ya'll, and will post later when I have something positive to say....hugs across the miles... good to hear from you Mis, and Ro, you are such a sweetheart, with everything you have going on, and taking the time to see how long it takes to train a puppy, that's why I love you so much, you are a special lady and so grateful you are here with us......
Carolyn u got it this time - hope ur mum is adjusting a little - sometimes there is no easy way to get the message across -and harder when u r at a distance and - we have had discussions around "You can lead a horse to water...". The distance thing is difficult. For my mum fortunately she has an ex nurse who shops for her though once her hip is healed she will be back in the malls - funny how she can shop for clothing but not for food.
cmag - the reality may be setting in and/or more dementia which is always progressive -change is hard at that age - I don't suppose there is much u can do either, beyond what u r already doing
KT - the others have made good suggestions about easing ur mum into a new routine - that is one problem I don't have -mother likes change and it energized by it. I should be so lucky! They will be better off and in time I think she will see that, but leaving a home of a lifetime is not easy for most. Please don't feel guilty - u r a caring daughter and that's the best they can get -u can't shield them for all the pain
sdpeg - ur bro throwing stuff into the dumpster like that must have been pretty traumatic for ur mum - not sensitive of him but then... talking about the memories is a good idea - glad u have good profs. I always enjoyed that part of the job
brandy -sorry about the accident and your injuries and then having a mum and hubby to look after - that is quite a load! What do u do for urself? The days must be pretty long sometimes.Are u able to get some help and have a break sometimes?
jam -your dgd ( dear granddaughter) uttered quite a mouthful - so far so good with my grandkids in that department but time will tell. Em is 8 now - I know part of u wants to laugh
seeme - how ya doin'? I know there is a hole in your life
Terri -not sure how u cope at home with what you have - I like the idea of dropping her off at the hospital and leaving the country - works for me! I could never have my mum in my home because of the BPD (my childhood was bad enough - not taking it on in my retirement) She demands to be the center of attention and is negative most of the time and I can't focus on anything else when i am aroun d her -she won't allow it. I have had over 20 emails a day requesting and demanding that I do things for her as it is. Yes at her age she taught herself to use a computer. For me it is better than phone calls. Since the last bit of particular nastiness I am not responding much - was getting flashbacks. Do look after you!!!! Is there not a facility which speciallizes in difficult behaviours? I am anticipating that as mother declines - a little dementia is creeping in though she is still very bright - I may have to look at something like that if she cannot manage in the ALF. I am in Canada (the frozen north) so it may be different to where u r.
mis - good to hear from u. Going out in the woods sounds like heaven to me, That's what the horses do for Gary - and me too, as well as walks on the trails. Just don't step in the "patties". Will the biopsy show if the nerves are growing back? Blood vessels can grow back too. Have fun watching the trucks. Glad someone is looking forward to snow. Actually I am not dreading it - may go out and make a snow angel in the garden -for those of you who don't know what a snow angel is - you lie on your back in the snow with your arms by your sides and and move your arms up and down to make a shape of wings in the snow - we did it as kids - must be my second childhood. Christmas decorations already? and graandma waitring for them to blow up LOL!
ros u r sounding better - so glad - ur heart is healing
everyone - thinking of u - starri is freezing her butt off somewhere in America, ladee is picking rocks and carrying them for miles just for the exercise, and watching mushrioms grow, asg is - not sure -what r u doing asg? 54 is hetting help from hospice -everyone -know u r on my heart
here - I have a burst of energy today and have already been up washing some floors - my bathroom, the upstairs hallway and the kitchen - thought it was after 6 but it was only 5 am - oh well. Then had coffee and my 2 squares of dark choc. Made meatballs and chili last night and have plans for an apple pie for the apples G picked. I made some applesauce and it is so fragrant!!! I put cinnamon and a little cardamom in it.Good winter food. Need to do more floors today. G is off this weekend and asked me to come for the weekend and move horses with him, but I don't know how I will react to the smoke in farmer's John's house, and after last time I know I need a back up plan in case I can't stand it. The nearest hotel is about an hrs drive away and that would not work too well - not to speak of an expensive trip. "Carolyn's Cabins" are close but filled with truckers so prob smoky too. I used to be OK at the farm so maybe I will be again.
Everyone - have a good day -spreading the energy fairy dust around hoping some of you will catch it
love
jo
Lordy it is after 7 now - time to rustle up a good breakfast for G since he is going off to build fences and move horses. Think I will play it safe and stay home and do floors and visit grandkids and bake!
Terri - wanted to add that we do "insane" well here.
Kisses and hugs
Yes venting sure does help, especially here cause everyone here knows what it's like cause we're all in the same boat riding the wave and wondering when it'll stop until a new wave comes.
I'm waiting a few more wks before I call the doc to see if the new dosage works for grandma. I think its helping some but time will tell.
As for me, I went to the foot doc and he took a biospy of my skin just above my ankles to test the nerves. I will get results in 2 wks so hoping for some good news. I got my brace for my foot drop last week what a pain. For those that don't know I had major heart surgery back in April and I've lost feeling in one of my feet. My husband and I take care of his grandma, but I do the majority of it now since I'm better.
One way we found to help with the caregiver stress is we go riding out quads/side by side. It's such great relief going off into the middle of the woods, turning off the motor and hearing nothing but birds singing and looking around at the scenery.
Later today my hubby and I are getting away for a few hrs. We're going to a place where we ride at. They are having the big trucks there today running an obsticle course should be interesting to watch and I'm taking pics so I'll post them on facebook.
Jo they are talking snow here for next week. I can't wait. I'm like a child around this time of yr and I'm already going through my Christmas decoations that we put out in the yard. We have them set on a timer and in yrs past we'd tell Grandma what time that they come on and she'd watch for them to blow up.
Hugs to you all and prayers too.
smiley
Learning how to survive all of this is not easy -this is not how I planned to spend my retirement years and I know that is the same for everyone else. - no one plans this kind of situation.
Tired these days -probably the weather as much as anything - so no energy to go back and read everything - know I think of you all.
maya -sure another story - I could use some distraction.
ros - glad to see you back and posting more
ladee - poor sonnie -glad marie is better
stormy - talk about vacations all u want -hope u get the puppy - indoors
sdpeg - waiting to hear about your session -glad u r having some good time with mum - the timing would be about right for the meds ti kick in
jam -more running up and down stairs - hope ur knees r good -we threw away a good suede jacket and a new track suit once - garbage day :(
mis, tpeg, vic, asg, seeme, starri, cmag, shawna, maya, 54, burned, and everyone else let us know how u r
being at the end of your tether is pretty standard around here as is depression - venting helps
G is home and into his new routine - so far so good - but temps only 36 so snow will be here soon - not too happy about that -maybe we will get an indian summer yet - can always hope.
love, hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo
Am happy to report she has not snapped at me since the toilet paper incident, when the picture of the puking emoticons splashed thru my brain and I started laughing, then Sonny started laughing because I was, he had no idea why, but she didn't speak to either on of us for the rest of the day.... but strangley enough, she has not snapped at me since..... and exactly how do I add 'puking emitocons' to my gratitude list....????????
worked a lot of hours this week, so will get to start saving again.... unless something happens here at the BS, like it rolling down a hill or the toilet falling thru the floor, by the way Ro, I just left the mushrooms there... they are still doing fine.....
For the new ladies, the BS is where I live, we call it the Banana Split, long story, but if you hang around you will learn what all we are talking about here... and ask questions..... we'll fill you in, don't want anyone feeling left out.... I am the problem child of the thread and some do not find me amusing at all, but, I DO and that's all that matters to me....I can only talk about 'real life' for so long, then I start getting stupid, so my feelings won't be hurt if you skip my posts.....
As Jam said we are always ready to meet new friends..... many on this thread are my life raft, they keep me from going over the edge most days.....so hope ya'll keep posting..... hugs across the miles to everyone....
Been a busy, hectic day and I think I have a few minutes to spare. Welcome to our new posters! Great to read you here and hope you keep coming back. We love making new friends!
It's not an enjoyable task when you have to start moving parent (s) and downsizing. When we moved the col here we depended on one granddaughter's husband to start going through things and he really didn't know what to keep and what to throw, but I have to say he did an excellent job and helped so much by concentrating on what was obviously trash. We finally figured out that the trash he was throwing away needed to be taken away each time, as she was going out and hauling it back in. In one night only, he filled 58 large black trash bags and he did that several times over a couple of months. I put the col to work packing her collectibles and other glassware and stemware. She actually did a great job. When the movers showed up I pointed out all the boxes she had labeled, the antiques and said we will get the rest. Little did we know at the time, she had "packed" a lot of her clothes in black trash bags..............Yep, I think she had one pair of undies, one bra, some jeans and a couple of shirts. Oh and those famous hot rollers.....lol. That is a story for another time. She had lived in her house about 60 yrs.........it was tough and we surrounded her with all of her "stuff" in her new home. But with dementia and Alzheimer's she doesn't even talk about the old house anymore.
My granddaughter, who had her appendix removed last week, is doing great. Her momma asked her yesterday if she was feeling better.......she says "hell yeah".....out of the mouths of babes....didn't know whether to tell her to get the soap out or to laugh. She is only 10 yrs old!
I'm hoping everyone has a wonderful evening.........I'm off to see about the col and if she wants anything else to eat. Just fed her dinner, but I bet that leg is still a tad empty........
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Brandy I remember your name but I don't remember you had posted a lot lately. Sorry for your situation! Nobody of us really is in an easy situation.
Good night to everybody
I wrote earlier this week that with my counseling I learned so much about Mom and myself that I would share it with you and I will. However, Mom is in a great mood and wants to do some things today so I am taking advantage of that. I thank God for a good day (not tired, grouchy, "in the cloud" as she says). I am hoping the Paxil and thyroid meds are FINALLY starting to do their thing. That's my hope!!!
I will be on later ~ in between studying for a midterm.
I must say I have the best professors who hear my life struggles and support me through this tough time. God is good! (Not preaching, just taking a deep breath)
SDPeg
Big welcome HUG to the new ladies.
welcome KT, how sad for your mom and for you to have to watch... a lot of reassurance, validation on how upsetting and hard this must be for her, lots of memories to take with her.... let us know how things are going, this is a great thread, so happy you have both joined us...
And I agree with you Ro, Stormy wanting another vacation... hmph, want away girl, we all WANT something..... lol.... more later, this has been one long week, glad it is over, get caught up later this evening.... Nap time.....
Carolyn can't you and your brothers together hire a caregiver? Sorry if I mind your business.
Stormy, do you want to go on vacation? Again? You have been on vacation 3 days last summer! You are too demanding, sister! (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
The set up of your folks' apartment sounds lovely. Encouraging as many photos is what I would say. And validating her feelings "you are right mom this is not your 'home' as you have known it for years" is the best thing I think that could be said.
One thing I would like to add: my brother got a dumpster, put it in the driveway and put things in it and had those things picked up not once but twice and my mom saw that. To think that the things you owned are worth nothing more than being thrown into a dumpster added insult to injury. Please, when you dispose of something, don't let her see you do that. After all, with those items in the dumpster went memories my mom had attached to those things and it was too soon to part with those memories.
Also when you help her go through her things, if there is no rush for some things, take your time with her. let her talk about the party she went to in that dress you think should have been disposed of years ago. Let her tell you the fun she had with this or that and above all...record those stories. You may not remember them as this is traumatic for you as well...but those stories are for you as well as they are for her.
I will be praying for you while you do this ... yes it is awful to see her cry ... my heart breaks with yours. Accentuate the positive, listen to the stories, take pictures of things you know she can't take with her. Then cry with her. That's one of the best things you can do, validate her feelings. SDPeg