This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Sounds like a lot of excuses, but we will make this work. Hopefully, before it's too late.
Looks like the col is scavenging in the kitchen.....not time for dinner but that leg must be empty.
Stormy I am happy your father is better; of course he is like a car with many problems so you have always to fix this and that. My father was the same during his last 10 years of life! Always something wrong.
Jam, my dogs are terribly sad and Camilla, the dog that has the same age as Nicky, and has spent her whole life with her, when we walk she always looks behind her shoulder to see if Nicky is coming. I have started to walk behind her, so when she turns, at least she sees me.
Nicky was a dog who was very much loved by everyone and she had a lot of human friends. My helpers are sad as if a dog of theirs were dead. My helpers'children are very sad, too. One of them came to me yesterday and she wanted to see Nicky's grave, she wanted to give her a little bell that she had bought for her, and she choose the most beautiful rose in the garden for Nicky. It was very moving and I understood the child had to spend some time with me alone because she wanted to see if I was sorry for what I had done to Nicky or if I was a monster. When it was the time to go home, the child told me she loved me. And I asked her "Do you love me even if I have killed Nicky?" (because I understood this was a point that had to be discussed) and the child said: "I know you didn't want to do it". And her mother told me that when she came home she was much more peaceful, after 2 days of tears! I know you love children, Jam, so you can understand all the story very well.
Useless to say I still feel guilty and I am trying to survive with it. My friends here are very supportive. My brother doesn't give a damn... Always the same old story.
Kisses everyone
I am wondering about something that I just learned from the nursing home today. Last night, my mom absolutely refused to let anyone change her depends for she just wanted everyone to leave her alone.. This morning was not a problem. I've also learned that since her visit with her neurologist a week or two ago than my mother has been very quiet and sleeping a lot. My step-dad's helper is wondering if her dementia is getting worse. I wonder if the reality that she has been there more than a few months and that she is very likely not going home is sinking in or if this is another sign of her just giving up and wanting to be left alone like she told the neurologist about when it comes to getting out of the bed and sitting, but then she complains about being bored. My step-dad's helper sounded like there might be something that I can do about all of this, but I doubt it. I hope everyone has a good weekend.
I have not disappeared off the face of the Earth. I am a student and it is midterm time.
I had a great counseling session with my on campus therapist and a good meditation group yesterday. There are things I learned that I will share, perhaps over the weekend.
I thank you all for being my friends.
Always,
SDPeg
Jam-i know that i would be the one to clean up after the little one. I can hardly get connor to clean up his play room. I have told hubby that the puppy would be too little to stay outside. And also the dangers that could come along with that. And i had thought also about a litter pan for the puppy. And i had told him that i would bring the puppy with me to dads to stay while i am here taking care of him. As i said before dad and mom had a chihuahua and she only weighed 3 or 4 lbs. and i could not conceive the idea of something so small staying outside and neither could my parents. And i know hubby knows deep down that little dog could not stay outside in the elements along with flying hawks or eagles. I'm going to keep working on him i just have to tread lightly with him. I have always wanted a small lap dog. That would be the whole point of me getting one. So we will see what happens..... Oh i like your thought for the day it makes alot of sense... Hugs stormyyyyyyy
Thanks for your thoughts. Yes, I am afraid for her and , yes, we do have people check in on her.
I generally just go along with her. But hearing her total dispair last night really got to me. I don't know if she accepted what I said or not. It didn't help me to say that dad has passed. I could have said something else, I suppose but at that moment, my heart ached for her and I wanted to ease her pain if at all possible.
Thanks for your kind words, Jam.
filled with light, and God appeared.
The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a
large rock in front of his cabin.
The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with
all his might...
So, this the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from
sunup to sundown, his shoulders set squarely against the cold,
massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all his might!
Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling
that his whole day had been spent in vain.
Since the man was showing discouragement, the Adversary (Satan)
decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the man's weary
mind. (He will do it every time!)
"You have been pushing against that rock for a long time and it hasn't
moved." Thus, he gave the man the impression that the task was
impossible and that he was a failure.
These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man.
Satan said, "Why kill yourself over this? Just put in your time, giving
just the minimum effort, and that will be good enough."
That's what the weary man planned to do, but decided to make it a
matter of prayer and to take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.
"Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in Your Service, putting
all my strength to do that which you have asked.
Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a
millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?"
The Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked you
to serve Me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push
against the rock with all of your strength, which you have done.
Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it.
Your task was to push.
And now you come to Me with your strength spent, thinking that you
have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself.
Your arms are strong and muscled, your back shiny and brown;
your hands are callused from constant pressure, your legs have become
massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much, and your
abilities now surpass that which you used to have. True, you haven't
moved the rock.
But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your
faith and trust in My wisdom.
That you have done. Now I, my friend, will move the rock.."
At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own
intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants
is just simple obedience and faith in Him.
By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that
it is still God Who moves the mountains.
When everything seems to go wrong.................................Just P.U.S.H.
When the job gets you down...............................................Just P.U.S.H.
When people don't do as you think they should.................Just P.U.S.H.
When your money is "gone" and the bills are due..............Just P.U.S.H.
When people just don't understand you..............................Just P.U.S.H.
P = Pray
U = Until
S = Something
H = Happens
A thought to help us get through the day............................
Having a few changes going on here and yes, I guess it's the grumpy time for more than one of us. I'm tired but trying to make things better.
Carolyn........I can't see if you are cq or cg......I think my glasses are still working...:) anyway, I'm so sorry to hear that your mother won't allow in-home care. If she is hallucinating that would worry me about being alone. Is she able to prepare her own meals and otherwise take care of herself? Does anyone physically check on her? Maybe there is a neighbor who could "drop in" just to see how she is doing. Sometimes it's easier to go along with whatever they are talking about because their mind isn't able to figure out that what they are saying or seeing is untrue. So, welcome and come back and visit with us.
stormy....going to throw my two cents in here. Small breed dogs are lap dogs and not built to stay outside like larger dogs are, especially a chorkie which might not weigh much more than 5lbs. Don't pee a lot when they do make a mistake though. Is Connor old enough to understand and take on the responsibility of training and caring for a pet? Probably not at this age, so you become primary doggie mommy. Hubby doesn't want a dog in the house, so what happens during bad weather? The personality of these types of pets is that they fiercely bond with the person who cares for them, and not getting to interact with you constantly will only leave a broken little heart. My chihuahua thinks he's my third leg, he is with me constantly, I get hugs from him, he lies in my lap when I am sitting. Right now he is snuggled up beside me sound asleep. Another thing to think about when leaving a small pet outside is that there are things that fly that can and will pick up a small animal and eat them for dinner. We guard our little ones at night when they make their potty runs for just that reason. Tell hubby they make excellent devices now for "house breaking" pets, small dogs can also be litter box trained. They have special training trays that catch the pee on a pad then you just pour the pee out. Good luck!
How are you doing Rossella? I'm hoping you are starting to feel maybe a wee bit better. How are the other dogs without Nicky with them? Everyday, I constantly look at my blind doggie to make sure she is still breathing. In people years she is 96, so I don't look for her to last much longer, although my mother also had a black poodle that lived for 19 yrs.
Hello to everyone else and am hoping y'all have a wonderful day. Need to get back on the phone and take care of more care giver issues.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
My heart aches for her. Because I can't drive, it is very hard to me to get to her (I have vision problems for the moment) and she absolutely refuses any in home care. I need to call her in a few minutes to check on her and almost wish I didn't have to make the call.
Thanks everyone, I'm glad I found this site. It's a warm place to come for some reassurance.
Cmag, loved your poem, saved it so I can read it again and again.. hope you are getting your roof fixed, enjoying your 'man cave' and know you are very appreciated on this thread......
Don't have a lot of positive to say this morning, so will say nothing other than ya'll are loved, and I will be so damned glad when Fri. gets here..... hugs across the miles to everyone.....
The lady that i was telling ya'll about that has the chorkie puppies wrote me back and said that she was giving the puppies away. I really want one. But hubby says that it has to stay outside. And i want it inside. I think they are too little to stay outside. He is worried about the puppy peeing and poohing on the inside. What should i do. How can i convince him to let the puppy stay inside. He said that i could get one, but it had to be a outside dog. He said we could bring the puppy inside to play with him but then he has to go back outside. What do ya'll think? Ya'll got any good ideas...........Stormyyyyyyyyyy
My friend was horrified when I made the comment that patience was what I wanted her to pray for me. She pointed out that for as long as I'd praying for patience, I had been dealing with one "trial" after another! She was right.
So, she suggested I pray for Joy, Happiness, Humor, Peace, Friendship, anything but Patience. I did. And it lifted my spirits. It didn't make the trials stop, but I began to appreciate the little bits of "light" and "light heartedness" I found in my world.
Thanks for reminding me of this. You are a blessing to me today, thank you. I need to find some "light" in my day as I am, like you, coping with my mother's dementia. So I am praying for your peace and mine, too!
cmag - very nice poem and worth a reread
maya -what a loser!!! - seen it happen before -people get greedy - agreed they have no right to your dad's things - and you do. I don't think u r out of line, I think he is - families----ugh!!!! If you need him to cut the grass maybe better to not tell him off - if you don't - whatever u want to do. Glad u got ur father's things back. They belong with u and your mum. Wish I could see your pics better - my eyes are not as good as they were.
wrestling with family stuff myself - not mother and sis so much but the effects of the toxic relationships I have with them on relationships with extended family members - The older ones who knew what mother was like have pretty well all died and I would rather not lose contact with all close to my age - but - could happen as the cr*p gets spread around. I think it is called character assassination.
sdpeg - what a nice thing for your facebook friend to do "A friend knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back when you have forgotten the words." - good one
ros - u r welcome -know u r hurting and missing Nickie-
shawna - sorry u lost stuff from your dad and family stuff too - the worst seems to come out of some people at these times
lunch out with my daughter today and gotta get that tax review looked after
have a good day everyone♥
jo
Do you have a copy of your dad's service record? Did he receive VA benefits or military retirement? If you already have his service record, it's even easier.
I think I would have to say that he has no right to ask and he was out of line its not his stuff its not his father and he's not even remotely connected to anyting to do with your father period. Its YOUR father's things not his. The screaming at the cousin won't do much but cause more strife but scream if you feel the need to. YOu should have never been asked what happened to your father's possessions. My dad's possessions what we have of them are in a tote... My idiot brother has his statues he collected we have one painting he used to do my sister Kathy has the rest. my niece has his pipe. My mom has his color guard vest but we don't have any of his medals as they were lost a long time ago and i am not sure how to go about getting them ...
Yesterday, I had a cousin's stepson --- he cuts the grass here --- start asking me about some of my father's belongings that were finally returned to us after many years. My father had left them in his mother's care when he was newly divorced from his first wife and was going back and forth overseas in the military. After my grandmother died, they simply disappeared and when we asked about them, we were told that no one knew what had happened to them. Well, that was a lie. My aunt and uncle simply decided that they wanted their kids to have them and so, they were tucked away out of sight. After my aunt and uncle died, my cousin began to run her mouth to some of the other cousins and when she hacked them off, they told me who had my father's things.
I gave this cousin chance after chance to tell me that she had them, but she didn't. Finally, I confronted her about them. She'd given some of his things to her grown demented stepson and even gone so far as to put leave one of my dad's things in her will to her crackhead son.
The stepson actually demanded to know where something of my dad's was because the cousin had given it to him and then, when I confronted her, had to go and get it back. My dad got these things while he was overseas in the fifties and they should have been returned. Frankly, they're nicer things than any of the alcoholic cousins would ever own, they thought that they were entitled to keep them. I had to actually contact the authorities and initiate an investigation before cousin would produce them. I told her stepson that it wasn't his business where they were, that in reality, my dad's things were basically stolen and hidden from him and that NO ONE outside of his widow and children even had the remotest claim on them, period.
I am so hacked off. I want to call the cousin and do some screaming at her. I feel like I shouldn't even be asked about what was done with my father's possessions because they didn't belong to anyone EXCEPT my father. Am I out of line or was he? And should I tell him to never step foot on this property again?
Barnacles and the Tragedies of Life
Barnacles are like the tragedies of life.
On a wooden ship they destroy its life.
Those who run into them are diced.
Barnacles can shipwreck your or another’s life.
Ever hear that hurt people, hurt people too?
How can this not be true of me and you.
Difficult to do in the middle and after a painful crisis.
Refuse to feel the pain and anger of being diced.
End up numb and dumb just like ice.
To forever nurse the pain,
Leads to never being free to love again.
We cannot chose to be or not to be hurt by the barnacle like tragedies and people in life.
However, we can chose not to let those experiences make us like a barnacle in another’s life.
To be or not to be a barnacle is the question for tonight.
To feel hurt and anger, but sin not is a difficult fight.
However, it is the biblical way to a better day.
Yet holding on to it and nursing it digs a dark and dreary day.
We do this as if it will somehow accomplish something.
But honestly, that choice accomplishes nothing.