This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
"A friend knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back when you have forgotten the words."
I pray I am that kind of friend to my Mom and I pray you all are that kind of friend to your parent, spouse, child, loved one, the one you care for.
I just had to share this with all of you tonight.
Good night!
I deeply appreciate the friends I have here!
SDPeg
Thanks for caring. I really appreciate it.
(((((((hugs))))) Joan
Where I live you could make quite a bit renting the rooms out but don't know your situation. Is mum living with your or is she in a home?
five yrs ago.... she is the main mortgage holder..there is at least 150 thousand equity in the home buyt he wont sell it.... five bedroom and he lives there alone- no kids- hes gay- he lost his job 1 month ago- dont know what to do ) :
Marie has been doing much better about not snapping at me.. for one thing I have had a change in attitude, and I am sure she senses it...I am there to take care of SONNY, if there I can do for her, well good and fine.... so she has been much nicer. If she wants to get attention, it will have to be the positive kinds..... I don't have the energy for the negativity..... so, really, no complaints about her... lately, that can change and we know it....
It was too windy today for Sonny to go out..... there is something about it being windy that bothers all the Alz. I have ever taken care of...Marie had an appt in Austin today, so I let him nap while I got the 'suzy homemaker' crap done.....
People are really nervous here.. it was a windy day that made the dead tree fall on a power line that caused the horrible fire in Bastrop.... and we have many dead trees because of the drought....so all we can do is pray and wait and see..
Sorry you are having the blues , and you know nothing is going to be different with your mom, she is receiving excellant care, and other than using you for a target, she doesn't need you sacrificing your sanity and health for a few moments of guilt..... just keep doing what you'r doing, it is working for you...... more later to everyone else.. have a major sinus headache and am going to take a nap... I want to quit working so bad....
sdpeg - welcome to the club of wise old women -you didn't make it or break it and you can't fix it - she knows how important it is - that's why she is doing it - glad u r saving your head from the brick wall (and vice versa). Wow A- that is really VERY good! What did you get on the pollyanna paper?
54 -thanks for keeping in touch - glad ur son got you in hand and the doc did too re your BP. You don't want to have a health crisis in the middle of this. Family pictures are good - , So glad hospice is helping - good to laugh and... remember to take care of you.
pegly -good to hear from you -a family health history sounds useful
shawna -now u will be on the computer even more
stormy - what's happenin'
jam how's the col today and how r u?
ladee - missing those stories of sonny watching birds and picking up sticks - you always portray such a peaceful picture with him and the opposite with marie
asg hope today is better
everyone (((((((hugs))))))
The people in my picture are my dad's parents. She was fifty-four and he was fifty-two, believe it or not. He died a couple of months after that was taken. I never knew him, but I adored her.
Maya-- WOW what great links for geneology. there is also a health geneology that you can keep track of. When my mom was doing our family lines, she would note the cause of death if listed on the death certificate. Cancer, Dementia, Osteoporosis etc. just adding my 2 cents.
I'm glad to have found this group when I needed the support.
I used to tell my mother that her family must have gone into the witness protection system because I couldn't find any information on them. Then, all of a sudden, I came across one document and it led to another and another and another... No more witness protection program now. I've found out all sorts of things that make the relatives nervous.
have a great day.
jane
Every morning, before I leave, I set out "lunch". Mom's lunch has been peanut butter crackers for YEARS and YEARS and that's what I put out. Every afternoon/evening when I get home everything is put away including the lunch Ensure.
I have tried to reason, beg, cry, scream (hey she can't hear me, she doesn't wear her hearing aids, "lost" them again) etc to get her to see how important eating is but she doesn't want to hear me.
So last night I resolved that she won't eat more then breakfast (graham crackers, coffee, Ensure, meds) no matter what I do so I am not hitting my poor tired heat into the brick wall anymore!!!
I have accepted the things/people I cannot change. I just became a wise old woman!!!
Onto classes and a meeting and yes Jo the midterm is next Monday. I wrote a personal memoir on the day my Dad died and got an A-. The prof liked the story as it not only satisfied the assignment requirements but revealed a part of me that she didn't know already (I've known her for two years). My personal character trait I wrote on: optimism: Pollyanna ~ there is always something to be glad about ... whew ... I will remind myself of that today.
Have a great day!
SDPeg
She'll be back tomorrow. She wanted to have another wound care nurse take a look at the pictures and see if they could come up with something.
Honestly, I wanted to take her back to Virginia to the surgeon who operated on her in 2009, a surgeon who ironically was a part of present surgeon's practice, a man who was as careful with my mother as he would have been his own. The problem with that is that we really can't afford to do that. Old surgeon doesn't have the awards that new one does, but old surgeon was actually THERE and addressing every single issue that came up himself, whether he decided treatment or whether he brought in another specialist to handle it. He made the decisions himself. He didn't pass her along to someone else to practice on.
Maya –what did the nurse say about your mum’s incision? You are a bargain hunter re the books and seem to do very well. Classics are classics for a reason. Glad u survived the blast!
Shawna – glad alena took it well and u r starting to feel better. Sounds like u r getting into family stuff.
Asg -wishing u a better day – and some answers from the specialist. The kids and I collected rocks too and I love quartz. Finding arrowheads etc. must have been very exciting -i would love to
Jam –the col issues seem to be increasing –temperamentally and otherwise – u r right – she would be embarrassed if she knew how she is - u lost 10 lbs.!!!!! Wow -good for you - running up and down stairs has some benefits health wise
Ros – (((((((((hugs))))))) I understand that u can’t forgive yourself – Toonie comes down the driveway to greet me when I drive up to the house and I am always concerned about him. If I hurt him I don’t know what I would do. On the other hand, Nickie is now over the rainbow bridge and at 13 probably would not have lived that much longer and she went fast. I nursed my old Matt for several months when he was 16 and wondered if I should have had him put down sooner. Poor old thing was not well at all. It is so hard to know the right time. One thing I am sure of is that Nickie forgives you and understands that you are so tired and burdened with your mum and worried about work and still loves you as much as ever. Of that I am sure. More ((((((((hugs))))))) No accidents should happen but they do and they are just that –accidents. Thank you for that beautiful thought "The good ones love even those who don't deserve to be loved". It helped me to get in touch with some stuff. Glad ur mum is not too demanding these days so u have time to reflect.
Sdpeg – good luck with the midterm – that’s next Monday is it? Lots of time. I know u r looking forward to taking fewer courses and I think that is a good decision,
Stormy – loved the story about ur mum’s Chihuahua. Pets are great! I understand why losing her was so hard –it triggered the memories of ur mum. Agreed, having no control over things is hard!
Ladee – throwing rocks at the neighbours yet? How is Sonny – u were saying the u noticed deterioration. Hope Marie is behaving herself.
Vic – know u r glad to have dad home - hope everyone is getting some rest
Seeme, starri, cmag, pegly, mis, 54, faye everyone – let us know how u r
Enjoying the last few weeks of walking weather here. I know it will be too cold soon. :(
Love, hugs and prayers.♥♥♥
jo
The man in the tintype got fleshed out through census records and some distant cousins. It seems that after the Civil War, when his father died, he went back to where he was from to see his mother. His mother refused to come to the door and had others send him on his way. He never spoke about his mother again when he came back. According to Confederate pension records, he'd had half of his left hand shot off at the Battle of Kennesaw Mountain, but he came back, married his first wife and had eight children. When she died, he married her sister and raised her children as well. He must have had something going for him, huh?
I found myself wanting to smack his mother silly for being such a butt, to be honest. And knowing what I'd found out about his mother, I began to understand that my own mother's siblings are most likely genetically inclined to be jerks as well.
And in World War I draft registrations, I found that every single one of my granddaddy's cousins had blonde hair and blue eyes. There must have been a couple of dozen in the town he was born in. I'd always heard that, but it was nice to see it all on handwritten cards.
The University of Georgia has a newspaper archive that is free. You can look up the scanned images online and print them out. I found obituaries for Granddaddy's father and grandfathers. I also found an advertisement for the hotel that his grandmother owned and ran after his grandfather died, along with other articles on his aunts and uncles.
The point is that there are all kinds of resources online that don't cost a thing. You just have to sit down and look for them. Believe me, they're there. It's why I've got over forty-five thousand in my family tree now.
just dropped by to say good night as I am revising a paper for class tomorrow. The quiz today wasn't too bad...hate when you just "know" the answer but can't quite "remember" the answer!!! Ugh. But that's ok. It was only a quiz. The midterm is Monday. Lots of time to study! Mom complains that Mondays are so long. I remind her that the semester is almost over. Next semester I will take just two courses and hopefully they will be on the same day and during the day so the nights won't be so long for her (nor for me either!).
Good night all,
you all are my very special friends and I pray for those who have had a hard day, will have a sleepless night, and for you who have pain in your heart: {{{hugs}}}.
SDPeg
Ladee how is your son?
Shawna, I am sorry for your dog - you can imagine.
Ladee, Peg of San Diego, Peg of Arizona, Jam, Jo, Stormy, ASG, Mismiley, Seeme, Vic, thanks for your posts of solidarity.
And now I copy something which I have already written on the other thread (where they were very supportive too) because honestly I don't know if I would have the strength to write it twice.
When Nicky was bitten by the big dogs last summer I think I told you that she was very special to me. I love all my pets of course, but all of them (Nicky excluded) are demanding. Sometimes they are depressed, they are unsatisfied, they sigh, they would like to take a walk twice a day... Nicky was always happy. If she had to stay home, she stayed home; if she had to walk, she walked. She never asked for anything. In the worst moments of these last years, and there have been many, when I looked at her she moved her tail and looked me right in my eyes as thougn she wanted to say: "Don't worry, you can do it! I am here". I thought she was my little guardian angel on earth, she always gave me strength and peace of mind. She had changed after the accident. She had become more insecure and she followed me everywhere. She is dead because of that. Many of you told me it was an accident and I don't have to feel too guilty and I have to forgive myself. It's impossible. These accidents shouldn't happen. If you know that your dog follows you everywhere, you have to take 2 seconds, before you take the car, to see where she is. It doesn't matter if you are tired and you have many things to do. You have to stop and think that is very likely that a dog who follows you everywhere, might be near you. So I can't forgive myself and probably I will never will.
I buried Nicky today and the whole thing lasted one hour, I talked to her, I recalled all our life together - 13 years. And then I told her all the things that you can imagine. And after all that, I talked to the positive forces of the universe, to the Love of the universe, and told them that I knew Nicky had been my guardian angel and she had made a very good job. I asked them to let her rest a little bit, and then send her to another person who is less difficult and complicated than me. I hope her next life will be less difficult and she will be loved by someone who deserves her more, because she was so good. And then all over sudden a beautiful thought came in my mind: "The good ones love even those who don't deserve to be loved". And this is a thought that I would share with you. Particularly with those of you who take care - with love - of a relative who was not too kind to them when they were children. This is not my case because my mother was not too bad to me. But those among you who take care of a ex-nasty parent are really heroes like my little Nicky.
That's all for tonight. My mother luckily is not too demanding those days so I can think of my own things without having to worry too much for her.
A big kiss to everybody and thank you again