This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Just wanted to say thanks for being my family.
I would like to go to the islands off of Portugal where my ancestors are from.
Where would YOU like to go?
You must be wondering how long she wil be able to stay on her own.
Come back anytime and share more!
Seeme: you could have a contest ... and the winner of the names of the pups gets a free week vacation! Woo hoo! We can dream can't we?
I love the phrase "there she goes again" because it means that you, also, are processing all this and we together are learning. I know I certainly have repeated and repeated the same ol' stuff and it is in the processing that I am able to sort things out.
It is very true, I am grieving the loss of my dad and sometimes feel as though I didn't get a chance to do that without interference because of caring for my mom and the intrusion of my brother. Grieving is a long journey but by adding distractions the journey is not just long, it is detoured.
I appreciate so much how many of you have gotten to know who I am and know just the right words to say in order to help me put one foot in front of the other.
I do have a lot to be thankful for: my mom is not a wandered, is still in control of her bladder, is ambulatory, takes her meds when I give them to her, allowed me to cook for her tonight and said "thank you", and even wanted to clean the kitchen (well I had already done it but one light by the stove was left on ... oops ... she couldn't figure out how to turn it off so she said "you're not done in the kitchen are you? You left a light on.") Gotta love her.
Thanks for the encouraging words, the words of wisdom, the hugs across the miles and the loving support! I appreciate it all and if I have contributed only half of what you all have given to me, this "family" here on this site is truly blessed! SDPeg
Pingo and Brick sound great toi me! LOL
A couple of thoughts to share.....just remember that POA ceases as soon as the person dies. I couldn't even insist that my mom be cremated like she wanted....had to have a majority of living children agree to it.I've been talking about getting 2 puppies and what I might name them. I believe Ladee said they would let me know what their names shoud be.............now I will have nightmares about at least one wanting to be called.............wait for it..............PINGO!!!!! And the other one will probably be .......BRICK!!!!!!! God help me and bless my heart......I am going to the dark side........................
Cmag, awesome post!
Jam, everyone else.... thanks for the advice and support. Take care, and row on!
repetition is the basis for learning if it comes to that.
I find when I am trying to process something difficult I need to go over it and over it and sometimes over it and in that process things slowly get slorted out.
After my split nearly 20 yrs ago i used to go for walks with the dog and my middle son. He is a good listener and after quite a while of taking advantage of that I finally heard what I was saying - if you know what I mean. It was an a-hah moment and i got a lot miore comfortable with things starting then.
sdpeg -you r still grieving your dad and now also your mum's decline and fighting that is normal. This is multiple loss and hits harder than one at a time with a decent space in between.. You still have not processed ur dad's loss totally. You can't in a year. I think u r doing extremely well to continue your studies and also find ur way through all of this emotional stuff. If you feel u r on an emotional rollercoaster sometimes - than would be normal and expected with what you are having to deal with. I hear you a bout losing your old mum -even if she was not as nice it is still a lose and wanting time with ur new mum. Must be very confusing at times. ((((hugs))))
stormy - hope the mixture help. Your dad is right but i would not want that job!!!!
ladee -caregivery is a good word.I am gettng better at telling myself that I don't HAVE to do that, or put up with this, or be anything other than myself, That's how God made me.!
love and hugs
jo
Cmag, the line in the poem that resonated with me is"While accepting ourselves as flawed returns the dawn of life into our aching souls".... THE turning point in my life, when I accepted me as me.... things to be worked on, yes, partly because I am a "seeker", but I am very grateful for all the 'working parts', and those that haven't or didn't work so well, there has been improvement. Some of the things my childhood gave me have been good things when turned over to God and letting him knock the rough edges off to make me be of better service to Him.....I am a strong woman, and I am grateful for that.... and I was and still am very curious about life.... I don't see the twisted and knarley tree out in the pasture as being ugly, I see it as strong and beauitful and still there despite it's begining..... and unique, not like all the other trees.... there is a Zen story about a ' tree of troubles' it sat in the center of a little town. Everyone's problems were hung from this tree and they were asked to walk around the tree and pick their problems... everyone came back to their own, after seeing everyone else's....sometimes gratitude is all I have.... and I am blessed for seeing my life as I do ..... to sum it up, God's Grace.... so thanks so much for sharing today and waxing theological , I love conversations like this.....
SDPeg, I don't think for me what I heard was'here she goes again', what I heard was your need to be validated for feeling so powerless..... nope, you can't make her be what or who you need her to be....we are all powerless over outcomes... every last one of us... we can do our best, we can carry two bags of rocks up the hill, but in the end, it isn't about 'us' and what 'we' want.... Guess God is giving you this to teach you... you and Him will have to decide what that lesson or lessons are...... My lessons were not learned and still being learned in a vacuum....and yes you are going to continue to care, regardless, and you wanting more of the 'good times' with her, well, that is human, so try your best to just relax a little, do what you think is best medically, but grief is something no two people do the same......Does she ever cry from missing your dad??? Does she talk about him? She is going to walk this path however she is going to do it.... you do the best you can... the rest is up to her and God.....
Hugs to everyone
I think her doc suggested the right med for her at this time because one of the side effects is weight gain which is what mom needs to do. The depression is situational and related to grieving thus her doc wanting her to get out more. My Fall semester is over in 2 months and therefore I will have more time with Mom (which I am looking forward to) and next semester I will take two courses (lighten my load) and we can go out and have more fun. I think I am experiencing a transition myself from full-time do-what-I-want student/daughter to Mom-needs-me (daughter) and also part time student. Heck I've waited this long to get my degree ... it certainly can wait another semester.
I have to also remember to be patient with myself and remind myself that acceptance of change does not happen overnight.
Thank you for the suggestion. I will add that to my list of things to talk to doc about in 2 weeks. My list gets longer and longer and I am blessed with a doc that listens to me as much as she listens to my mom.
SDPeg
BEWARE IF YOU ARE EATING--------------------
Well dad got out of the shower and guess what he wanted me to do after we got him dress. HE WANTED ME TO DIG THE GUNK OR GOO OUT FROM UNDER HIS TOENAILS FROM HIS TOENAIL FUNGUS. We have been putting lamisil cream on his toenails for weeks now and that cream is eating away the goo from under his toenails. He wanted me to do this after his shower so the goo would be soft and easy to get out. And all i have to say about that is YUCK, YUCK, YUCK!!!!!!!! AND THANK GOD FOR STERILE GLOVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HUGS STORMYYYYYYYY
I think as care givers our grieving starts when we first notice signs of change. And we just continue through different stages as our loved one progresses through the stages of aging and death.
Must get dinner for the col before she starts grazing again...:)
Hoping everyone has a peaceful evening!
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Ros and Shawna ya'll are on my mind today so sorry for your losses.
Faye- how old is your hubby and have you tried to contact hospice for some help.
praying for answers for you and hubby.
Ladee- how is sonny today?
Jam-what's up with col and how is she doing?
Grey-welcome aboard......
Seemee- it was good to hear from u
Maya-how r u today?
Vic-hugs to you
Starri- girl we have missed u....
c-mag-get some rest and take it easy.
I will post to the rest of ya'll later he is out of the shower
hugs stormyyyy
vic - hugs
maya -where r u today?
Vic: praying for you. Get some rest as well.