This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
dgrey, welcome to our thread, hope you come back and visit....
SDPeg, glad you feel good about how thing were with you and your brother...... sometimes saying nothings speaks volumes....
emjo, I know this is a hard week for you, but know you are being thought about and in my prayers.... let us know if we can help in any way....
Stormy, any news???
Jam, isn't there a Dionne Warwick song about just "Keep Smiling", I know some one sang a song like that , just don't remember who.... Maybe it was Al Greene, no, not him, anyway, hugs to you....
Seeme Sue, am missing you bunches, hope you are putting one foot in front of the other....but taking time to feel feelings, love and hugs to you....
Shawna, will go to the PO tomorrow, was already home and in my comfy clothes, didn't feel like getting dressed and going back out...... I'll let you know as soon as I get my stuff.... can't wait.... hugs
Vic, you will be glad to know I have made the decision to start working on accepting Marie for who and what she is, and coming up with ways to deal with her.... I am so attached to Sonny, and do not want to miss the opportunity to be with this wonderful little man, he is teaching me so much...... Today him and I cleaned windows... I was bored out of my mind, so started on the windows, he came out and asked if he could help,,, well sure you can..... we had a ball, and even the dwarf Grumpy had a smile on her face... He was so proud, did a great job, one of his Alz, quirks is OCD, there was not one streak on those windows when we got done.......Sometimes it is hard to find things for him to do, but if it is just him and I he will help with laundry, WILL NOT fold panties tho.....he helps carry out the trash, bring the laundry baskets to the laundry room, we call it "guy work"...... no, I am just going to learn to deal with Marie, I would miss Sonny too bad, and until the next time I am bitching about Marie, ya'll can remind me I stay for my relationship with Sonny.....
Ro, any changes in your job situation???? I hope so, I know things are hard for you right now.... something will come your way..... God knows you need a good break here soon... love ya....
Mis, I love to go to flea markets and yard sales, come on down and we'll have a girls day.... my last girls day was back in March after I had my leg broken, my friend came in from down home, and we stayed up till all hours talking and laughing..... need another one of those....
We aren't laughing near enough to suite me , so I feel a "Ladee is going to start getting stupid" coming on.......for the new folks, well, it's just the way I am, so if it gets offensive, just pass my posts on by,,,,,,no harm intended, just been at this so long that I know how important laughter is.... got an email from a friend tonite and laughed so hard I had to call her... reminds when I called Seeme to hook up my internet..... most relaxed I've been in 47 forevers.......
I know I missed someone... just say hey Ladee, what about me...... so love and hugs to you all this evening.....
Cmag. hope you had a good day today, got that "man cave" finished yet?????
stormy (((hugs to ya))) hope you got news on your dad.
sdpeg I know what you mean about going to school. I went back to school in '08 for a certificate program. I was basically a full-time student plus I was working part-time and some days I was working an 8hr shift or more and helping my husband with grandma. I managed to graduate in my program with high honors. I didn't miss school unless it had something to do with going out of town for work related issues and there was a vacation planned in there somewhere. You have to do what's best for you and take time to yourself. I like the idea of going 75%.
Welcome to all the new posters here.
I went for my emg today. Those things hurt, well the first part didn't the nerve study but the second part they stick tiny needles in the muscle and ouch. I've got neuropathy in my leg where they harvest the veins to put in my heart. For those that don't know I had a heart attack and triple by pass surgery in April. I'm back to work full-time and just dealing with the nerve pain. I go back to my dr on Monday to see what's next.
Hope everyone has a good night and hugs to you all.
luv ya 2
jo
Love ya Jo!!!!
SDPeg
breaks are great and missing the odd class does not hurt a good student at all
the 75% solution sounds good
nap and fav tv shows sounds good to me right now too
love and hugs
jo
Hope all is well and hope Lynn feels our hugs ... I know I feel yours!
Love this group!!!
SDPeg
Hope u r benefitting from ur counselling and group. Sometimes they can be so very helpful. I can understand arguments both ways re your studies - full time or part time. Wishng you peace in arriving at the decision that is right for you.
((((((hugs)))))
jo
it does sound like fil may have some mental health issues - beyond the alcoholism (read the question you asked)
as jam asked - where is you hubby in this - maybe he can help get some positive changes made -
hate it when your own home life is so unpleasant - are you able to escape and get some YOU time?
do come back and vent more
hugs
jo
Sitting in their own excrement and/or urine is really not an unusual thing when they have mental issues and I'm beginning to either suspect that is what is going on with your FIL, or else he just likes to gross you out. Where is your husband in this? Will FIL allow someone to help him in the bathroom? It may be time to hire someone to help out so you aren't faced with all this grossness daily.
Time for an afternoon nap...........will check back later.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday, dear Lynn,
Happy Birthday to you!
Hope you have a great day and do some good things for yourself. If ! was near I would take you out for a meal!
((((((((hugs))))))
jo
I am interested in your ornaments when you are reading to post them. I love your website ... easy to navigate.
Stormy: I am literally on pins and needles for you! I can't wait to hear what news you receive today. We are all here for you.
Breakfast is a little late today because I did not go to school. Morning class was cancelled (Prof ill) and it is raining and afternoon class is ok to skip now and then as it is credit/no credit and I have a high grade and need only a C for credit. I am still in pajamas ... whew ... feels so good to lounge for a change. But must get mom up soon to eat and start our day. I just wanted some time to myself this morning. I know you ALL can relate to that.
Praying for all of us,
SDPeg
Stormy I hope you get the news you want today keep us updated on Daddy.
Ladee check your post office box .. your box is there I just checked YIPEE hope you like your stuff ...
Anyway its cold I am going to relax with mom and chill out .. talk to ya'll later ....huggles and kitten kisses from Starr
Oh, and the mysterious, foul odors, that appear out of no where. I have heard every excuse, from the air vent, outside air or someone stepped in dog poop. I know he has fecal incontinanace, so why he would want to sit in his filth, is beyond me. He will slowly sneak to the bathroom, clean himself off and still wear the same underwear.
Oh, and the collection of spit bottles with tobacco, lovely. I am sooooooooooooo beyond grossed out that I really think I am going crazy.
All day, I hear gagging, hacking and spitting. It begins at 6 am.
I know he is sick, but he does not have dementia; he is just disgusting.
Sorry, to ramble on............I have cared for several people and I don't ever remember being this stressed out!!!!
re: my brother's visit: thank you ALL for asking how that went. When I returned from school one evening (his first day here) mom, brother, girlfriend were in garage/driveway preparing to take mom out to dinner. I waved as I drove in, g/f waved back, as I was turning my car off and getting out brother and g/f physically turned their backs to me and were in conversation about something. Shunning? I thought so. So I came into the house without saying a word to them. I can take a message. Then mom couldn't find her car key. He asked "where does she normally keep it?" Are you kidding? She is 84 years old with cognition problems. There IS no normal place for keys, right? My response: "What is normal for yesterday is not always normal for today." And that was the ONLY conversation (if you call it that) that he and I had the whole time he was here. Another incident was that mom, again, couldn't find her house keys (separate from the car key I found that evening) and he was livid that I had a key, wasn't going anywhere that Sunday, and mom had to ring the doorbell to get back in. He was upset I stayed in my room during his visit (which wasn't very long as they would just come by to pick mom up and go out). I did hear that he was saying I was "avoiding" him one day this week...what? I was at school sitting in class that has nothing to do with him.
Mom had a great time while they were here. Knowing she was fearful that he came out here to put her into a nursing home, she is relieved he and g/f are gone. Obviously anyone would be thankful for that. I am staying home today (one class was cancelled and God knows I am tired and need some rest) and this should be pleasant without the distraction of his judgmental attitude. He complained to my sister there is no food in this house (what??? Is he kidding?) and sister called mom and mom said that I am taking really good care of her, bending over back ward for her, providing and preparing food for her, and still maintaining my studies. When I got home last night, mom thanked me for everything I have been doing and said she never would make it without me. Those words keep one going, right? The thanks ... amidst the brother drama ... makes it all worth it.
Thyroid is the problem, she has rx for it (increased her previous one) and time will tell. Appt end of the month will be fun as mom looks so good these days (ha ha after brother left). Even the caregiver called me last night to tell me that mom was different from last week (anxiety to happy in one week...we all should be so lucky).
When brother was here I put out Ensure to take with them while dining out and he didn't take it. He was in denial a couple of years ago when he visited and my dad was doing poorly (and died 7 months later) so maybe brother just lives his life in denial. Obviously he does NOT care to ensure (pun intended) that my mom's health is optimum. Yes he did know she has to take it ... I emailed him among others a month ago. He didn't like that email either. Oh well, not my problem. But I consciously chose to NOT be his target, stay in my room, go to school and avoid him and g/f especially after the initial contact and they shunned me. I am all by myself with no one to protect me from the evils of this world and so I protected myself and am a better person for it.
Breakfast is later today because I am not going to school and I hear mom up so thanks for the prayers, support, and following up with this issue.
I appreciate it!!! Peg
My morning is sunny, getting warmer and hopefully will be a good day! Drinking coffee and don't have a care in the world until 4pm when the care giver leaves...:)
Whenever any form of dementia sets in, the judgement and decision making skills go right out the window. I think that's why we have such a difficult time trying to get changes to work with our loved ones. For example, the col is so used to seeing the tv screen as rather blurry so all I hear is "I can see it just fine, I don't need glasses". Or "I don't need to wear glasses to read"....is that why you don't read the paper anymore? You refuse to wear glasses? Or "I can walk just fine when you help, I don't need to use a cane".....when it's obvious that using the cane helps her balance tremendously. Sometimes I think that brain cell that controls stubborn behavior is the last to go.......
That being said....I need to remind the care giver to take the glasses out of the case and to use the cane.
I hope everyone has a great day.............stormy let us know what you find out.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Ladee..I am looking in mirror..sometimes it is just frustrating. Hate being in a funk... Oh well today will be better.
Stormy.. Hope answers come your way today.. No knowing is worse in my opinion.
Love to all
Stormy: you are in my thoughts and prayers and tomorrow is Thursday and I will hold you in my praying heart! You have been on my mind all day!
And also today: I started individual counseling (again) and a meditation group. I admit to being "relieved" that my brother has left and is on his way home. My mom looks so much better now that she isn't fearing he is going to put her into a nursing home. Even her caregiver called me tonight to tell me that.
And my mom was excited because I got my certificate from Sigma Alpha Lambda (honor society). My mom is very supportive of my schooling and this honor was achieved during the worst year of my life (my Dad died the second week I was at the university and it was a long, long year).
I agree that I have to look at many things re: cutting back on my units for the Spring, 2012. I do appreciate the input. And you are right, Rossellamex, I do have to think of MY future and have MY life apart from my mom's. You are so right on with my therapist today (you're hired!!!).
I am tired ... traffic was brutal during the rain ... going to get some sleep now.
You are all in my thoughts and prayers and newbies ... I just joined a few weeks ago and I feel so welcomed and was embraced into this family. We are NOT alone and this group is the best.
Thank you all for being my friends,
SDPeg
Peg, are you sure that part time is not going to affect your future career? I know you love your mother and you want to stay with her as much as you can, but you have to think of your future, too!
Burnedin: I am very sorry for your situation. Try to stay strong!
Vic: Can you convince your father to use a wheelchair? He could do many more things than he is doing now!
No news as far as I am concerned... Normal day.
Kisses Jo and everybody
Take care
Upon arriving at my mother's room, she was very complimentary about how my weight loss was really obvious with how I was dressed and that I looked good enough that someone should take a picture of me. Yeah, sure! :) Today, I wore nice casual pants and a short sleeve broadcloth shirt, plus I had washed my hair which I had combed differently that before. Monday, I wore warm up pants because it was cold and a long sleeve exercise shirt.
I have felt better since this was over and getting home which needed my attention to some other things.
Thanks everyone for all the prayers, hugs and encouragement. Now to go to my 'man cave' and unwind for the night.
Cmag, hope mom got to see her Dr. today, and really hope you are feeling better today.... let us know how things are..... hugs to you.
Jam, I have a love/hate relationship with WalMart, our little podunk WalMart has wall to wall stuff but nothing you need.....
Emjo, hope you are getting out for a few days...
stormy, we'll be thinking of you and prayers sent or tomorrow, regardless of the news we are here for you......
Vic, hmmm, someone else on here told you not to be so hard on your self... guess if at least two people call you a 'duck', you might need to start quaking..... love ya girl, and thank God our houses are not wired so that the world knows how we speak to people sometimes... of course I have to mumble mine or get fired, oh and wanted to ask..... Is your dad the one that requested PT, just ask him how he wants this to go..... in the end, it is up to him, right??? And no shame in loving your dad and wanting him to get stronger....no matter what our elders are suffering from, it is not easy to watch and feel so powerless..... you are a vey loving and caring daughter, that is first and foremost... hugs to you.... look in the mirror and say "Ladee says to be kinder to yourself", say this until you start laughing and then you'll be good to go for another day.....
Shawna, did not go to the PO today, so hopefully my stuff is in tomorrow..... hope others here at least looked at your website to see if there is something we could get for gifts and to help out a sister caregiver... a win win situation......
SDPeg, how did the visit with the brother go?????
TPeg, come back and visit more often....
I know I have forgotten someone... forgive me for I am old and tired...
hugs across the miles to you all....