This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
sdpeg - I had to entice Grandma with her favorite foods and did the ensure thing. She liked the chocalate milk shake kind and just told her it was chocalate milk. It worked for a while. It's been 8 yrs since Grandma lost Grandpa and she's still not over losing him. I don't think a spouse ever gets losing one. We lost my dad when I was 3 and my mom never did get over losing him until the day she passed on over 10yrs ago.
So we took grandma to the doctor this morning. The nurse asked us what was going on and we told her the details. While I'm taking grandma to the bathroom she tells my husband that he's her comfort zone. So then we wait for the doctor to come and we talk to him in another room. Grandma was taking 25 mg of Zoloft so he up it to 50 mg. I asked him if this would also help her hearing things that aren't there like another cat in the house and the her wanting to hit me. He said it would. I'm thinking to myself this is a bunch of BS. I don't like her doctor anyways. In fact none of these docs in this town isn't very good. So we'll see if this works.
The colors are changing here in Michigan and it's starting to get chilly at night. Lows for Friday night is suppose to be 31. Time to get the fireplace cleaned out and ready to go. Last winter we actually roasted hot dogs over the fire. Pretty cool since there was snow on the ground. This year we might try to make smores.
Hope everyone has a good afternoon and night.
Peg there isn't much you can do to make them eat if they don't want. Like Ros said maybe enticing her with some of her favorite foods even if it IS Junk food. I am lucky i dont have that problem lol my problem is the opposite all she wants to do IS eat ...but have to budget and manage it so it doesn't send her blood sugar sky high.
Her weight is dropping because she doesn't eat. I gave her an Ensure last night, she hid it in the bathroom vanity.
I emailed her doc for an appt this week opposed to a couple of weeks from now.
I know to be patient while the paxil kicks in (been 3 weeks today that she has been taking it) but I'm not so patient this morning. Hopefully doc can see her before brother sweeps into town. I hear he is "site seeing" just a few miles north of here but hasn't even called my Mom to tell her he is coming. The surprise will shock her. He did this a few years ago and she said she hated surprises like this. But that's who he is.
I just want her healthy and whatever it takes to do that. But I am realistic and everything indicates that she doesn't want to any longer. And also I know the pattern of grieving spouses and although it has been just over one year, I do suspect she really wants to be with my Dad more than she wants to be here anymore.
So how am I doing today? Mixed emotions but at least I know where to express them rather than keeping them in and driving myself crazy thinking I am alone. Because of my friends here, I know I am not.
Thanks!!!
The season is not changing here yet, we are tired of the heat, and everyone everywhere is just tired, period...... so let's just at least hug each other today, I know it makes my day go so much better when I know you all are out there.....
Love you all, and hugs across the miles to everyone.....
my AC died today.... and God it is hot in here.... my poor cat... she is too old for this heat....Vic, you should appreciate this, I have been asking my son to fix the screen door for two months... the Diva is an inside cat, so in order to open up this hell hole today, you would not believe how much duct tape I used on the screen!!!!!! It is so ugly, oh and part of a shoe box.... I am straight up trailer trash for sure now.... just need an old car that doesn't run, or a refigerator that doesn't work, and I can go on welfare, stop working and just chill...... set outside and smoke, wave at the cars passing by, and just read or nap.... yeah uh huh, that was my dream of what I would be doing at 61,,,,,NOT... hope I catch a break here soon, but am making some plans and trying to move forward....
someone stole the grumpy Marie and left a sorta kinda nice person there today.... I trust her as far as I can throw her,,,, if I let my gaurd down, she will blast me...
Sonny and I watched a squirrel today for about 45 minutes, it's as if he knew we were watching him and he was so silly... Sonny really enjoyed himself... he always relaxes when we are outside....
well hope everyone checks in , let us know if you had a aaaargh day or not..... God it is hot in here..... hugs across the miles to ya'll.
(((((Hugs)))))
jo
I say to myself: "Aaargh"
Home Health Services is suppose to be here ; came by on Saturday to evaluate my Mother; I just want someone to bath her as she has given up taking a showere or bath. That is disgusting to me. She takes a sponge bath ;not sure that is too good. Forget being up as now she is back in the bed. No interest in anything but herself and hollering for me to take her to the bathroom when the porta-potty is right by the bed. Says she is depressed because her knee is bad. Oh why can't I just let all this roll off of me. Well back to this glorious day the Lord has made. Hope all of you have good one. Carol
Stopped by my favorite aunt's house yesterday and it was like seeing and listsening to my mom all over again. Kathy was really amazed. Could have been twins, but they were 6 years apart. The only 3 left are 86, 89, almost 92. My fingers are too big for this little notepad thingy, so I am closing for now. Don't think I have forgotten you............no way......love to all of you.......take care.........we leave here Wed......should be checking in on Thurs.....bye for now.....
Dad has been ok. He worked hard with physical therapists on Friday .. Slept half of Saturday away.. Had an ok day on Sunday. We are supposed to stretch and exercise..he just didnt feel like it. Hopefully today we are able.
Jam..vaca!! Woohoo ... Exciting.
Shawna, hope mom is not so sad today and that you two can have a happy day.
Love and prayers to all, Vic
Mis – let us know what the doc says –hope you get some cues about what is happening – hope the colds are getting better -you handled the tree thing well –burping contest – my kids used to have those
Ladee – sorry Marie is back in b*tchland – u gotta do that is good for u – a lecture on noodles –sounds like my mother – any excuse is good enough to get upset –yeah we are all powerless over so many things –especially the bad ones - need to keep our energy for the things we can change which are probably less than we think - passive- aggressive I have – less and less patience with that all the time –good luck with making a decision
Jam u r lucky to have that dentist – hope u have a great vacation – sounds like u have the help for the col all lined up –having trouble getting my own walks in –a little fibro flare-up so quiet right now but should be able to get in another 40-50 mins. in the next few days –why not run in a field of daisies or even clover - chase horses or wild turkeys –did me a world of good –G is still with the horses – he starts up 24/7 at camp tomorrow for a couple of weeks and then starts the new job Oct 10 and will be home for suppers so I will have to start cooking then again –that’s ok
Carol – your post kept coming to mind – Hopefully mum will go back to Day care soon. Maybe ask her doctor when. I think acceptance of powerlessness does not come easily. Many of us have “fixer” tendencies - think it may come with the caregiver personality. That makes it harder to accept powerlessness as we want to fix whatever it is. Life will tell/show us that many things are beyond our power to change. The old serenity prayer is a good one – “God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference” The hardest part of that is the wisdom part. By not accepting the unchangeable you put stress of yourself. Take a deep breath and see if you can let some of it go – the unchangeable stuff. Look at some of the changeable stuff – and see if you can find some solutions that work better for you. You may not know what is changeable and what isn’t for some things, until you try making changes. Good luck!
SDPeg – sounds like u r working some things through and so is ur mum. Awesome!!! So glad she changed the picture and ate with u. Jam’s idea sounds great –get a machine for yourself. As far as the hero bro goes – he is the problem u r not. I wouldn’t even bother trying to figure out what he means - Hope u do well on those tests and u make time to run through the daisies – like stopping and smelling the roses – 66 years in love –had an aunt and uncle like that - beautiful to see
Ros – hope u write that book and don’t have to work too hard on the translations –sorry u r fed up with ur life And tired of ur problems but understand it ((((((((hugs)))))) you need a break
Asg – prob most of us have a few extra lbs – I could never diet like that –I could put on weight looking at a picture of food – put me on a desert island with a group of people and no food and I will be the last one to die of starvation – and I don’t mean cannibalism – my metabolism just ramps down – can you suggest that aunt see another doc – glad u r taking some breaks with hubby
Stormy – lil red is a going concern – a little harder when u r an older mum –my daughter is 46 with 2 very active children -6 and 8 – she is relieved they both r in school now. What a horrible experience with dad and the meat loaf - very scary -my mouth is doing pretty well thx
Burned – (((((((hugs))))) sounds like u r having a very tough time is there a counsellor in town u can see?
Kaye – welcome – may be time to consider a move to an ALF for your mum – these transitional are not easy - Whoa - the schizophrenic son and the aunt need help too – that is a lot. Hiring professionals is a good way to go. Come back and let us know how u r doing
Vic – hi hope u r less tired – and dad is doing reasonably well
Spaz -soooo glad you stayed home and didn’t play the games – I have decided I will act when I KNOW there is an emergency – too many “cry wolf”s going on. Even if u r wrong the staff at the NH are there to help – that is what they r paid for. Good to go out for a meal and talk. Let us know what u find about detachment. It is a life saver. Glad your bro does it – proud of you for looking after you too – keep it up the sky does not fall in and they manage fine
Shawna – sorry u had more cr*p from relatives – sound like she is just shooting her mouth off – you manage so well with the resources you have –have to have that doublespeak on top of it when you need people you can rely on = u will get that driver’s license –if you get a car with someone = put the agreement in writing – who gets it when – hope u r feeling better and vent away
The irrepressible toonie wants his supper and is bugging me – something he is good at - yelling at me now
Up to 84 here today and cooling now – hope to get out for a walk soon
take care all including those I haven't mentioned
Love, hugs and prayers♥♥♥
jo
Shawna, it seems to me you are the only one who can handle your mother well. Maybe next time, if you feel a bad atmosphere, you can go away with your mother and let your sisters be nervous by themselves.
Peg of San Diego: I smiled thinking of your mother the great gambler. Anything makes them happy., is okay. If you had time to relax, so much the better!
Jam why don't you take your chihuahua with you!
Bye to everyone else. I am fed up with my life and tired of my problems! I hope happier times will arrive.
Got everything arranged and ready to leave for vacation.....yippee!!!! Someone will be with the col 24hr/day, plus our handyman will be here working during the days, so nothing to worry about except the owls at night thinking my chihuahua would make a nice bedtime snack! We have the bologna hidden in the bottom of the fridge or it would be in the dog's tummy by now, the bread is put up, the new coffee routine went into effect last night and so far this morning she is doing great with it. Target was explaining it to her last night and she got "the attitude" and just turned and walked away......I told her "if you don't stand and listen you won't know how to make coffee".....she listened. Oh, she wants to be the boss so badly, and gets so mad when she can't! We put her to bed and she looked up at me and said "you're so good to me"....I guess that was her way of telling her son she was mad at him...:)
Shawna...don't apologize for needing to blow off some anger. This thread is for that purpose. We have all felt that way at one time or another......and will again, as you will. We are only human after all; though there are times when we have to be superhuman with ears and brains that can be turned off at the snap of a finger. You said it was your sister that acted like the twit yesterday? I'm trying to keep them straight. Perhaps she had something on her mind that she didn't share with you and it made her a little short with Mom.....no excuse I know, but sometimes that just happens. We get stressed about something else in our lives and guess what? We tend to take it out on those closest to us. I'm sure it will be better today and chances are good that Mom won't remember the episode. I agree with ladee....find a way to get that license and something to think about is if there is anyway you can purchase a vehicle, don't "go in" with anyone else. There will always be a time when it's needed by the other person and the one who currently has it won't want to give it up because they need it. Just something to think about.
SDPeg......the last time we took the col to one of the local casinos she was so lost......she couldn't figure out how to put her player's card in, didn't know how to push the button or pull the handle. We used to sell Japanese slot machines and it was an easy way for her to get to play. That's something you might think about. Having a machine in your home makes it easy to entertain her anytime, and since they are played a little differently it keeps the fingers and mind a little more alert and nimble.
Only going to be about 68 degrees here today...sun is shining and I have to wait until 3pm to see my Chiefs get smeared all over San Diego's football field....wave at them for me SDPeg!
Will check back later after everyone has a chance to wake up and check in.....hope it's a good day for all.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
sdpeg that sounds nice going to the casnio and glad that you enjoyed yourself and your mom.
Well I got the small/medium diapers the other day and guess what? I've had to change sheets all weekend so that's not what was wrong. Grandma don't drink much before she goes to bed or during the night. I'm at a lost of what to do next. She does have her own bathroom. I just don't think she wants to get up and go. We do remind her to go during the day, if we don't she just sits in her chair. Going to ask no tell her doc Tuesday to check for infection. That's the only thing I can think of right now. I hope this morning and afternoon goes good for everybody. Will check back in later.
Good night all!!!!
Hell, I don't know what is going on with me.... I'll figure it out sooner or later. Thanks for caring if I am setting over here about to loose my mind.... love you sister friend and have missed you so much....