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Peg, so happy to hear that your mom finally agreed to change out your dad's picture. It sounds rather morbid to frame a picture of your husband in his coffin, but people do strange things in their grief. Maybe choosing another photo to frame and place beside her bed will give her something new to think about. Smiling for you now. :)

And no, you're not alone with the manipulation. I haven't learned what I need to know about detachment but I'm working on it. I realize how fortunate I am that my mom is in a nursing home, but it's amazing how much manipulation can happen even from there. I didn't mean to leave the impression that my brother is less than sympathetic...he just has a hard time understanding how I've allowed her to do that to me until I'm almost a senior citizen myself! I have a hard time understanding it too. :(

I called the nurse today just to confirm that mom is okay. She is. What a surprise. And despite her bad memory, she recalled my cell number today for the first time since since she went into the NH in January. The dumbest mistake I made was to have her private phone transferred to her NH room. Duh! Anyway, I told her I couldn't come visit until at least Monday - I'm so proud of myself! One step, one event, one day at a time.
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Peg, so happy to hear that your mom finally agreed to change out your dad's picture. It sounds rather morbid to frame a picture of your husband in his coffin, but people do strange things in their grief. Maybe choosing another photo to frame and place beside her bed will give her something new to think about. Smiling for you now. :)
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mis, I understand about the sil, I have a niece by marriage that I never see or hear from unless she wants something,,, could they be any more obvious... makes me tired....
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Well, couldn't really tell you how Mary Sunshine was today...Sonny and I spent the day together !!!! We went for a walk, we sat and watched the birds and squirrels, I let him take a nap, I fixed lunch, cleaned up, came home and took a nap..... too tired to mess with her today... oh, I almost forgot, I had only been there about 2 minutes when she started on a tangent about me putting the lid on the medicine bottle the other way and she couldn't get it open..... I didn't say a word, went in, got Sonny's meds, put the cap on how she wanted it and started breakfast... it's now WHAT she says that gets on my last nerve, it's HOW she says it... like I am the dumbest thing that has ever walked thru her door....no one likes to be talked down to, so I don't think I am overreacting here... but I was mentally too tired to play"let's get on the roller coaster and figure out what she REALLY wants"... and SDPeg, it was me that talked about passive aggressive yesterday......
I do need to make a decision tho... all my experiences with families has been that no matter what sacrifices I made, I was kicked to the curb as soon as I was no longer needed to do what they didn't want to do, or just couldn't do anymore....I have no illusions that I am irreplaceable, so why am I there putting up with this crap everyday????? So instead of focusing on what Mary Sunshine does and says I either need to accept the situation for what it is, or get another job.... and stop complaining about her.... I had a great day with Sonny, he was more like himself today and we laughed, and talked about God, and watched the birds... no way was I going to do any damned "cleaning" today.... pay me for setting on my ass today, cause I am tired too old woman.... anyway, I'll stop grumbling and go and read for awhile..... just need to get off my ass and make some decisions...
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Peg of San Diego, I am happy about the good news you are giving us.
Burnedin, I am very sorry for the situation you are living in. I hope you find some kind of solution!
I have slept and now I have to work. Kisses everyody
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SDPeg that's good news to hear hugs to you and your mom and good luck on your test on Monday.

Jam - I'm like you today didn't do much today.

Well as I'm sitting in the dining room, I'm listening to my husband and Grandma having burping contest. Yup you guessed they are just burping away. I told Grandma that the next burping contest there is we're entering her in it and I'm sure she'll win. The funny things old people do minus my husband isn't that old.
Sil called tonight she hardly ever calls only when she wants something so she's coming over next week. Wonder what she wants. Going to tell her someday to take a flying leap off a very short pier.



Well I hope everyone has a good night. Hugs to you all across the miles.
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Checking in to see how everyone is doing.

SDPeg that is a wonderful accomplishment for Mom......so much better for her to see a photo of her and Dad together when she goes to sleep and maybe the first thing she sees when she wakes up. The col keeps photos of her deceased daughter everywhere in a prominent place.....she has others of the family but we all know and accept where her preference lies.....it's not because she is deceased. There will come a time when all the photos will go to her granddaughters.

SDPeg....good luck on your tests Monday.....I'm sure it will be a cinch for you!

emjo..........got a pic of the turkeys posted on FB. Haven't seen the fawns since that first time. Hope your mouth pain has finally gone. Is G still home or playing with the horses?

ladee.....I'm almost afraid to ask how Little Mary Sunshine was today......

I can't say that I have done much of anything productive today.....my kind of day!

Hope to hear from everyone tonight.........

Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
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That was what I was thinking before I read your last post SDPeg, was that even tho this thread is for us, the caregiver, it is also about those we love.....and your love and willingness to set down and talk with her this past week was a turning point for her, she needed to know she still had a purpose on this earth.... we all need a purpose for a fuller life, and she is trudging up that hill to reach her daughter... one of the most beautiful things I have read in awhile.....and I thank you for sharing, what is life without hope.... hugs to you....
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I don't mind you asking, they are in love for 66 years, dated/engaged for four of those years, and were happily married for 62 years. I am blessed with this change. And also, this evening, she ate (whew) and caressed my hands and thanked me for caring for her. When she said "Dad would be so proud of you" I thought I would lose it, but didn't (well now I am weepy, in the safety of this group of great friends). She said she was so happy I was here with her and she said "I love you". Don't get me wrong, she is lucid 99% of the time, but this time was different; I think she finally embraced all my hard work in cooperating with her doctor to get the pounds back on. All in all, in the year since my Dad's death, my mom has lost 15 pounds (she is 5'2" and her weight is between 112-114 and today weighs only 99#s). Her BMI is not good. I pray the paxil (only 2 weeks of taking it) is slowly making an effect on her.
I really want to share this success, and the thankfulness, to offer hope to everyone I have grown to care for in only a few short weeks. I will give her a hug, I promise, and yes I am very relieved if only for a few moments. I not only have hope in this situation, I am sharing that with my friends here with the desire to share not only the struggles but the successes as well.
Thank you for being my soft place to land at the end of the day (and sometimes at noon as well!!!). Hugs to all ... I pray for everyone every day!!! SDPeg
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SDPeg, I got tears in my eyes reading your post.... fantastic for mom... and with all her strenght she is trying to move forward......one tiny step at a time, but this is really huge... do you mind me asking how long they were married? Give her a big hug for me, and I am sending angels and prayers to help lighten her load.. I know you are so releived..... gives you some hope that things will improve.... let us know how the "picture change" goes... this is great news....hugs to you both....
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I want to share a success! My mom has had my dad's picture on her dresser for over a year. This is the photo she sees before retiring, kisses before she goes to sleep, and her doc suggested replacing this photo with happier photos of the two of them. At this point, I will mention, it is a photo of my dad in his coffin. Don't mean to upset anyone. As I stated to her doc, anyone would be depressed if one viewed that photo before retiring. Today that photo (and others that were underneath it) were put into her dresser drawer AND ALSO she bought a frame at a consignment shop yesterday ("our store" as we call it) and we will put a photo of my mom and dad in it this weekend. One little step is a huge success.
Of course, that does not mean she won't take the photos out when I am not looking BUT I am celebrating that one little step.
Thank you all for being so supportive and please rejoice with me in this victory and the success my mom has in taking just one small step! Let's smile for one moment please; as HER success brings hope for others. Whew! That step has taken a year to take but it has been taken and I am thankful.
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Ok...let me start this off with some good news before throwing in the bad news with all that has been going on this month. I finally got hubby's nebulizer treatment back n going again because I changed my husband health care into a dual complete that works with medicaid/medicare so that is bit of blessing and then the shit hits the fan to put it lightly. I ( think) the landlord called Child Protective Services cuz I refused to give him what he wanted which is almost 8 thousand for a full yrs rent for next yr. SO I told CPS he will not fix the electrical issues of the trailer home were in and I cannot move into another place in this town because they are all rented and almost as expensive as here. I had manage to give him part of the actual rent due told him I cannot afford to give him the full 650 a month or else I will not be able to pay the utilities or for his meds and I cannot get tanf. They got away with interviewing my daughter at school and my panic attacks are getting worse. I am fed up with ppl who say they are going to help me and then do not bother to offer assistance. I can't take anymore of this and I want to leave this town yet got family on both sides pressuring me to come to "live with them" when the inevitable is here and I am not my SIL keeper and that is her children's responsibility and her exhusband mind you not mine. MY children need help and I need help because I almost had another black out episode so I am in a crisis situation atm that is not improving and doing everything I can. This town doesnt help strangers but called out on me when I am doing the best I can taking care of a ill husband and 2 children which is beyond ridiculous. Then they want to get on my case cuz of friendly drivers stopping to allow us to have restroom break etc. I hate Az and I want to move but i need the cash flow...any suggestions besides my bake sale and selling afghans and writing. I am so beyond burned I am in a constant fog and my feelings are so screwed up. I am wreck how can I continue to do more for my kids and my husband. I was willing to pay someone to help clean my house once a wk and maybe every other wknd babysit my kids but no dice. I feel useless and trapped and afraid for everyone in my life ....what more can I do ....
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Spaz: I am not alone? ha ha. My mom uses the manipulation and I have been able to separate the genuine memory loss with the game playing and life is much easier but sometimes it is in that fine spot and I just cannot tell. If only others would recognize the game playing as well. She has one sibling wrapped around her little finger ... well, so SHE thinks ... but with on again off again girlfriend, he is too busy for Mom now (and he has told her numerous times that girlfriend is NUMBER 1 and Mom, well, maybe not even on the list anymore). But we muddle through the day. She goes to bed early (8:30) and gets up 12 hours later. She is still able to go to the bathroom and I hear her do that during the night. she does not wander (thank God) and so I do get sleep once I finally settle down. The detachment concept has helped me immensely! Also someone posted (pardon me, can't remember and can't find it) about passive agressive behavior and I adopted that for my life to mean, that when a PA person is speaking, the comments are so indirect and open to interpretation that I was getting all caught up in being defensive. Now with a visit on the horizon from P-A brother and girlfriend, I will be able to sit back and let those snide comments vanish in the air ... after all, without direct communication, I really don't know if that comment was about me at all any do I? I am so grateful for that eye opening experience. (I am on a couple of threads so it could have been another one).
Jam: find that field of daisies and I will run thru it with you. ... oh yeah, who has time right?
Well, shower time and study time. Two tests on Monday. Being an older student has its blessings ... and its curses. My weekends are tied up with studying and my textbooks are usually strewn all over my bed ... yep, I read then fall asleep and wake up and read again! But it's worth it. (I am a double major @ San Diego State University and love it!)
I will be checking in from time to time today just to touch base with a great site and wonderful group!
Thank you all for your input, support, posts, sharing your life ... I am not alone!
Peg in SD
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Too funny Jam! Sounds like my day yesterday! Today has been real quiet as dad wanted to sleep in! Sooo he is still sleeping guess I need to get him up and moving since it is now lunch time! Hope he sleeps tonight
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Morning Posse!

Barely past 10am and I've already had "time to eat"....oatmeal, toast, small container of Pringles, small jello parfait cup, coffee, poopy butt, sopping wet diaper, no hearing aids in, meds taken................a screeched "I CAN DRIVE" my car, betamethasone on the dermatitis, out of jammies and into clothes...."buy me bigger clothes before my credit card is no good"......how can it be no good? There is nothing charged on it........oops my mistake on that one...."let's go out to eat then and party"....can't, don't know how to party......"then give me more sourdough...I love sourdough".....I know, it shows on your butt and waist. I knew what buying one size too big in winter clothes was for........so she's already set. I think I'll go find a field of daisies and run through it like an imbecile.....can't even do that, stepped outside to take a pic of our wild turkeys for emjo and had to run for the kleenex box.....ragweed..........If they turned out will post them on FB.

I sure hope you all have a terrific day!

Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
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Good morning everyone. I've been reading the posts since I posted yesterday, and I'm amazed by how much everyone is dealing with and how well they're doing it. I have a lot to learn from you all.

So sorry I did a "hit and run" yesterday, but things kinda happen sometimes. I should also tell you that I'm ALWAYS foggy in the morning. It takes me a good hour or two before I feel anywhere near alert, so yesterday was not out of the ordinary.

I did not go visit my mom yesterday, but my brother did. He lives about an hour away and usually visits about every 10 days or so. I think he was bothered knowing that I hadn't visited all week. He stopped by my house later and told me that my mom's head was tilted back the whole time he was there, as if she couldn't hold it up. I hate to be skeptical, but I am. He knows she is manipulative but he really doesn't have a clue how deep that manipulative behavior goes. He's very worried about this sudden decline. Maybe she has declined suddenly, but maybe she hasn't. I told him, "maybe she's worse, but she might just be pissed." He doesn't believe that. And God forgive me if I'm wrong this time, but I've seen it too many times before. Will check with the NH nurse later and see what she thinks.

I am feeling better today. The after effects of the TIA seem to have passed. My husband and I went out to eat last night (just a Waffle House type place). And we talked, that always helps. I have to find the article on detachment here on the site and read it...that's a skill I really need to learn!

Thanks to you all, and kudos to you for all you are doing and all you are going through. This is tough! Will try to check back in later. I looooove this site!
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mis, hope you got that "me" time this morning, it does help... hope you have a blessed day... and loved your story!!! I tell Sonny things like that about Marie , when we are alone, like, "the boss said......" or " do you think we can ground her for talking to us like that?".... he just laughs, and you can tell I am saying out loud what he WANTS to say..... then he forgets and I don't have to worry about him telling her what I said..... Ahhh, this roller coaster we call caregiving.... love ya...
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Welcome Kaye, and we hope to see you here again... yes it does tend to fall on one persons shoulders sometimes, so hope you come back and let us know how you are...
Vic, hope you have a good day too.. I get to work with Mary Sunshine again, no rest for the wicked I guess... hang tight to your butts today, it's all we've got... love ya...
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Morning all..have just caught up on posts. Thoughts and prayers for a good day for all.
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Taking the day off from elders and adult child. 85-y.o. mom's dementia is definitely getting in the way of going ahead with projects that will help her stay in her home. Will have to pay professionals to do the tasks that I cannot continue to do after 2 years because as a freelancer I need to get more work. And my aunt is still "working on getting her papers together" to see a lawyer. She's been working on it since January 2010. She still hasn't put anything in place for her 60-y.o. schizophrenic son's care. Frustrated and saddened, because I know it'll all fall on me.
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Ladee, yes, the most difficult thing is to understand when "we" are losing it! I wonder, sometimes, if the decline has not begun already for me!
Stormy what a ordeal! What do you have to give your father, just liquid food? It must have been a terrible experience!
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ASG- grandma is 87 yrs young she turns 88 in November. I can relate getting away with my husband for a couple of hrs a day. Grandma doesn't like being by herself either for a few hrs. She'll ask us if we're coming back and always we tell her yes and we've got some things to take care of.
Jam - nope it's not allergies. It's a cold and I woke up this early am and getting it too. This Michigan weather doesn't help much one day its sunny and 70 next day its 50 and rainy welcome to fall.

Funny and true story. One day this summer my husband said Grandma can I cut that willow tree down. It's really messy and the roots messed up the blades on the riding lawn mower. Grandma said, this place is going to yours someday so do what you want to do. So 2 days later my husband and fil started to cut the tree down and oh, boy it was on. Grandma was madder than all get out. She asked me who gave him permission and pacing back in forth in front of window and then she went to the screen door yelling and told me that she was going to kick my husband out. She has said this a thousand and one times to the both of us. Finally I said if you kick him out than I'll have to go too and so will be Peanut (our little chihuahua) and you wouldn't want us to go because than you'll be all by yourself and then my sil (who I have no use for) will have to take care of you. Grandma then ask me did she give him permission to cut the tree. I told her yes she did and she asked me are you just saying that? I told her no, but I'll tell what we can do. We can ground him from his playstation, 4 wheeler and take his truck keys away. After that she calmed down and everything was alright.

Hope everyone has a good morning. Gotta get off of here and get some things done while everyone is still asleep and enjoy some me time. Hugs across the the miles.
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Emjo- lil' red is fine just wild as ever and non-stop!!!!! And loves to talk ALL THE TIME! I hope your mouth is feeling better these days! Love ya Stormyyyyyyyyyyyy
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Jam, aunt just had a perm. I love it when she gets a perm, i get a couple hrs. to myself. She goes once a week to the beauty shop and gets her hair washed and done. So when we have a shower we just wash the body. I have tried to get her to let me help her fix her hair but she wont. Im not sure what she is afraid of. I told her one day when she was upset cause she needed to go to the dr the day before her hair appt. i could spray it and fix but she owuldnt listen oh well gotta go
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ASG, Sonny has not been good the past few days, very confused. But I take him outside and we fill up the bird bath, water some plants, and he'll pick up a stick or two... but he is really enjoying watching the birds building thier nests in the bird house, he can set there and relax and we make ups stories about the birds and laugh..... he is a sweetheart.... and hate to see the decline I have seen the past few days... but he is never ugly or demanding, just a little sweety,, and I am blessed to be able to care for him.....
And you are right about getting out with hubby while you can.... enjoy that time, and besides she can pick up towels while you're gone... love ya..
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Hey gang I just got lil' red laid down. Boy that child of mine has gotten where he does not want to go to sleep. And me and hubby take turns on laying down with him each night. He laid down with him last night and tonight was my nite. Most of the time we go to sleep b4 red does. I try to stay awake so i can get back up but most of the time i don't make it. I have to drink coffee 30 min to an hour before i lay down with him or i will be out like a light.
Well right before i left dads this afternoon to go pick up red from daycare. I asked dad did he want something to eat and he said some meatloaf that we had leftover and let me just say that was a mess and the wrong thing for him to eat. He got choked or strangled on it. He coughed for 30 minutes trying to get straightened out. I had mucus coming out of him from every orfice. Mouth, nose and trach.YUCK! OH but that wasn't the worst of it he coughs meatloaf particles out of his trach and that is like aspirating meatloaf into your lungs. When i saw that i was like oh SHI$! Then he finally was able to speak for a minute to tell me something was hung up down there. I was sweating bullets. So i put some sterile water in his trach(they are called saline bullets) and gave him some of his puffs of his breathing treatment and then he does a big cough and out comes more meatloaf. I finally had to call sis to come up there to take over and help him because i had to leave to go get red. But he was doing better when i was getting ready to leave but i just wanted sis up there to make sure he was alright. Now I bet in a few days; maybe tomorrow he is going to feel like shi$. Because when he aspirates something he always has a bad couple of days. Maybe he won't. I just about needed a nerve pill on the way to the daycare. But i was ready to get outta there! And this is going on the third day that his knee is swollen the one where he has cellulitis at. I have asked him does it hurt and he says no. But then this afternoon he wanted me to look at it again and i asked him why does it hurt and he said yes and i asked him where and he said from the knee all the way down. I said oh Lord. So here i go again rubbing his leg and putting neosporin on it. Knowing none of this is doing any good. I really believe he has something going on with his immune system. It's just not working right or something. Well I hope all of ya'll have a good nights sleep! Love and hugs stormyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
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Peg Rum? Yes.....as long as you share:)
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Ladee!! Loved your post, Sounds a lot like antie going biserk over towels in my floor and such. She has been a sweet heart for a couple of days. Hubby and I had some buisness to attend to so she was by herself most of the day yeaterday. We were having a late supper in a local reasturant and she calls me panicked, where are you? then she said she was better that she knew we were in town. She was fine when we got home. Dosn't like us being gone, but until there is a good reason for her to not be left alone, im gonna try to get a break when I can. Sometimes all you can do is laugh, otherwise you will cry. Does Sonny still play pick up sticks? Poor guy.
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Thanks SDPeg, happy to hear my rambling had some positive outcome.... and let us know how it goes with the bro.... we'll be thinking about you...
ASG, what a bind you are in... can't make her go to another dr. the one she has doesn't care, and in the meantime, you are with a woman with many faces and you never know who is going to stick her head our her door... love ya girl, and you are doing an awesome job....
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Ms. Smiliey, how old is your grandma? I think my elder has dementia to, but her Dr. dosn't even seem interested in testing her. She even told him oneday she thinks she is losing her mind, did he have anything for that, he gave her a deer in the headlight look and she says oh well, i would probably have to see a different doctor for that and he just changed the subject. This was the only appointment I have been to. She dosn't seem the least bit interested in finding out for sure. It is frustration, cause you think if you can get a diagnosis maybe they can get some meds to control the symptoms. I guess she will eventually get bad enough, she wont have a choice. Good luck. I hope you are able to get some awnsers.
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