This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Ladee, maybe Marie was so overwhelmed by the fact that you had done something good for her, that now she behaves very badly because she is testing you, to see if you will continue to do sweet things for her. Or maybe she had a very bad afternoon and she blames you for that! Who knows. The absurdity of people's behavior, both old and young, both healthy and sick, is something that amazes me all the time! Of course, I am absurd according to their point of view, too! I wanted to write a book about the lack of communication among people and I had a plot, but for a reason or another I can't write it. I am afraid it will remain forever a plot!
Powerlessness is a brilliant word! Thank you! I have no power over my mom's reluctance to eat nor does he and that puts us on equal footing. If she doesn't want to eat, she won't. Someone suggested a nice cream drink and adding rum ~ seeing as my mom doesn't drink alcohol and seeing as I don't do milk products my question is: CAN I HAVE THE RUM BY ITSELF? Whew! That question made me feel good!
You know I must say, I really do feel the hugs... I really do! And I really feel so welcomed and embraced by the best bunch of people I have never met but had the pleasure to know.
I have two tests on Monday and have to study ALL weekend (in the midst of dreading the sibling visit) so I may not be on much ... who am I kidding? I will check but may not be posting much...but will read. I find that if I read the posts before retiring for the night and welcoming slumber, I sleep much better.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!
Peg, San Diego
Carol
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Home and I've been trying to get caught up on the posts.....so please forgive me if I run a thought or two together from more than one of you. I have a tendency to put everyone's trials and tribulations and happiness and joy into my brain and then I go on overload. As ladee says......I am the Mother Hen, although there are times when I would rather be the baby chick....:)
Dentist was okay today....he's a great guy and his office help are the sweetest bunch of gals. How many dentists provide paraffin treatments and movies to watch while you're in the chair? The next 3 Fridays will be office visits, with the last one having 4 teeth pulled......so you probably won't hear from me that day.....of course it might be interesting to see what I write after pain medications.....
I'm not sure where to start.....SDPeg......give the Paxil time to work, I will say out of all the anti-depressants it isn't my favorite, should give it a month at least. One thing to remember about anti-depressants is that a side effect is a tendency to increase appetites, thus weight gain. We started the col on Ensure a year ago, wasn't crazy about it, tried Boost...didn't like that at all. Her favorite is the generic that Wal-Mart sells, plus it's cheaper. Does Mom like oatmeal? The col has a bowl every morning with a scoop of vanilla ice cream mixed in....notice I said a scoop.....it was 3 scoops but since she has gained 13 lbs since the middle of June we are cutting that back a little. She LOVES sourdough bread and now that she is out growing all of her clothes, that has also been cut back. Instead of eating 17 slices in one day, she only gets one with a meal, 2 if she asks for a sandwich. How about pudding? And we buy jello parfait cups which she loves. Rossella your idea is excellent....I think I will try it for something different.
Earlier I was reading the worries that some of you are having and the replies that have been given and I am so thankful for all of you.....we learn from each other.
There isn't a single one of us who is 100% accepting of what we are doing. Did we know what we were getting into.....h$ll no, or most of us would have said no thank you. This is a tough job and at one point or another we feel helpless, angry, abused, manipulated, guilty. I read all the symptoms that each of you are dealing with daily, some are exactly alike, some couldn't be more different. That's why dementia is such an insidious disease.......where someone was a sweet, loving person their whole life, this disease turns them into a screaming monster......that's why I call it the "inner beast"......I hate it when that "thing" decides to manifest itself. Some of you discuss how your loved one is manipulating to get their way.....FOG.....bless you CMag.......the col is starting to use the "if it makes me happy, then you should be happy to do.........." oh, contraire my little chickadee, doesn't work that way. I learned by telling her no, she will still wake up the next morning and eat, poop, pee just like before she was told no. And besides, 10 minutes later, she doesn't remember it anyway. Everyone's priority should be "self".....if you are not in a good place mentally and emotionally how are you supposed to care for someone else? I've repeated this several times over the past year here.............your life and health should not be put in the trash can just so you can take care of a family member. Sometimes placing that loved one in a NH or other facility shows just how much you do care, because you only want the best for them. Not everyone is able or willing to take that loved one into their home and contrary to what some people think....it's okay to place them. It's perfectly okay to say "no, I can't do it". I've learned myself, that I can't care for the col by myself, because to do so would be to the detriment of my mental and physical health. So we have help 5 days a week, which makes the evenings with her more enjoyable and the weekends easier to get through. But when the time comes when she can no longer function safely in her own home, she will be placed. And I will do it without one ounce of guilt because I know it will be done with her best interests in mind. Carol, you said something in an earlier post about your mom wanting a girdle and stockings....tell her they don't make them anymore. The col harped constantly about getting a perm......she used to wear her beautiful white hair hanging past her shoulders and insisted on hot rollers and had to have a perm. I called her my "electrified Q-tip"......we had her hair cut into a nice, short 'do that's easy to take care of but she still yammered about a perm.....finally the stylist told her they quit making them because they were so harsh on people's heads. Would you believe she hasn't mentioned one since? Sometimes you have to use a fiblet to steer them onto something else.
Bottom line is there is no perfect answer for any of us. We struggle along doing the best that we know how for our loved one......but we can't do it at the expense of our own well-being. And please remember that angels watch over each and every one of you and the rewards you get for what you are doing will be given later.....I know it feels like a thankless job.....and if our loved ones were living with a fully functional brain they would tell us how much they appreciate us.
On a lighter note.....have you seen the Stouffer commercial with the family standing at the bottom of the stairs and the son standing on the stairs in some type of space get-up saying "not gonna take it off"? Well, just imagine instead a little col standing there saying that to me..............she has a new pair of gray jammies that she wants to wear out to eat.
emjo.....while you're doing your walk...would you just throw in some for me? Makes it easier for me that way.....:)
seeme......is having a fish fry today............yum and yum!
ladee.....hope Miss Marie was better today. Having more time off is an excellent idea.
starri.......is in Wyoming looking at cattle. How's the weather?
stormy,ASG, Vic, Cmag.....come out of the man cave.....YR...big hugs, our Pegs, Shawna, Rossella, Yellow........did I miss anyone? Been a long day. But love to you all......................
Love and Hugz my friends,
Jam
UH, let's see, how long can you set and get a LECTURE on using too many noodles until you start laughing....I've never seen her so angry, but that was looking thru the tears in my eyes from laughing so hard..... oh yeah ya'll she was pissed.... she didn't speak to me for the rest of the day... will try this laughing thing again, seems to work....and Lord, thank you for giving me this mind that sees the humor in things so as not to go berserk and think I am untangling clothes hangars...for the new folks, well, I'll have to try and explain the clothes hanger thing later.....no harm was done to any old ladies in the making of this post...
SDPeg, after reading your post, what went thru my mind is POWERLESSNESS.. as caregivers we are all powerless over things that are happening to our charges, they are powerless over what is wrong with them... and that added together is a heart sinking awareness of how we can not do this without each other... We can not be surrounded by this all the time and not just feel we are going insane.... the pain of watching someone not eat, the pain of watching someone with Alz, the pain of being a target to their personality disorders, and on and on... I set by Ruth's bedside and watched her die..... even tho I knew she was going to be released from this earthly hell, I was powerless....
So, sometimes I wonder how any of us do this.... we are humans that have been taught to seek solutions, but we are not taught how to accept powerlessness... so we fret, worry, cry, get angry, get depressed,feel overwhelmed, and on and on... All because the majority of the time, there isn't a damn thing we can do in regard to the outcome of the situations we are in..... we make personal choices to try and take care of ourself.... And if we don't do that, then none of the rest of this has any meaning..... A hundred years from now, what will be more important.... that we let our health go to hell, that we are all on some type of antidepressant, that we felt GUILTY,,,,, or that at some point we made the choice to have some kind of life, a few minutes or hours to ourself in order to do a better job in life, not just for our charges....My laughing today, well, it was the most therapeutic thing I have done for myself in a long time in regard to Marie... I was myself, laughing at how absurd that whole picture was..... and she'll get over it, or she won't, remember, I am powerless over outcomes......I will not apologize for seeing the world in such chaos and then hearing her go round the bend over some friggin noodles.....
So, now that I have done my weekly commentary on our sometimes pathetic lives, because of choices we make, I will go get my stuff ready to go see her shiny angry face again tommorrow..... and for those of you that know me, well, you won't be surprised if I come home unemployed tommorrow..... but you also won't be surprised that I will have another job by Monday....... so let's do some laughing tonight, if only for a minute, the rest of this mess will still be here tomorrow in one form or another.... hugs across the miles and tons of gratitude for each and every one of you.....
Good night all and take time to yourself.
stormy - hope the dermatologist has some answers for u -let us know who it looks without antibiotics - hows lil red doing?
ros - great ideas for SDPeg - hope u aren't having to work too hard
sdPeg - try to detach - it does mean the games won't work and in any case will make it all easier on you
starri - still a happy camper???
jam - how was the dentist???
ladee -now that u r "balanced" tell us what it is like lol - how was Marie's time away yesterday?
seeme - ((((((((hugs))))))) and hope u r having fun
vic - hope things are good with dad today and u r not too tired
Yeahright - (((((((hugs)))))) for u too, know these r hard days
shawna -working hard - ??? mum chasing you down the hallways??
spaz - how is your day going? doing something good for u I hope
carol - hope mum's knee is better and u r working on some stuff for u - wondering how long ago your siter died
mis, TPeg, John, asg, and others who I have forgotten let us know how u r doing -
as bridget says - take time for u every day
yesterday i was out and moving around for abut 60 min. today about 45 mins -working on 150 mins a week - anyone want to join me??? - some of u r probably moving around more than that - 3 of the 5 lbs that went on with the stress of the tooth is gone - 2 more to go and then try for some more - I have been stuck at this weight before - want to take off another 10 - cooking a nice roast for tonight for me - will last for a while - easy meals
love, hugs and prayers to all ♥♥♥
jo
Blessings,
Bridget
Well, the top of dads foot looks as red as the lower part of his leg and the foot looks a little swollen too. He has a drs appt with the dermatologist tues for his c!ellulitis. Don't know if that is going to do any good or not. And he finished all of his antibiotics yesterday too. Alot of good they did he still has it and it looks just as bad and i think it has gone to his foot now. So i guess we will see what it is going to look like after the weekend with no antibiotics. Talk to ya'll later stormy
No my mom does not have a feeding tube at this point in time. I think she would resist that as well. Her next appt is 10/28 and we can only hope. I did have the blessed opportunity to talk to her doc's nurse and she said I can be reassured I am doing all I can in order to help my mom and no one could ask for me. I am appreciative for that. I will have to sit with her while she drinks the Ensure as I have caught her throwing it down the sink ... and this a.m. her pants are loose and she needs a safety pin.
I also am aware of the "victim"/"pity me" games she has played most of my life. She does it so slyly that sometimes I get caught up into the game(s) before I know it. I need to learn detachment (I did read the article on detachment on this site).
Thanks for your loving support!
Peg
Sdpeg I'm sorry you are having a time with your mom eating. Has she got a feeding tube? If not, is that something that you could discuss with her doctor about getting her one. I know that depression is a horrible thing for someone to go through. I have had some myself for the last 18 months since taking care of my father. I finally had to go get on some meds for mine and it has helped alot,although i still have my moments with it, it is not as bad and this site has helped me more than you will ever know. Just to be able to vent to others and feel like you are not being judged about how you feel. It has been a godsend to me. I hope you will come back and talk to us and i hope that you find some help for your mom and her not wanting to eat. Love and hugs stormy
I do think u r doing all that u can. I know it is very painful watchung a loved one make what seems to us to be bad decisions. It is way too soon to lose ur mum too, but, if the worst comes to the worst, u will survive. I like to look at the worst and figure out how to cope with it, should it happen. Mostly it hasn't happened...
more (((((((((hugs))))))) and try toi have a good day, knowing that you r a wonderful and loving daughter
My siblings live out of state and altho I emailed them the doc's recommendations I feel all alone. The day in and day out activities (or lack of activities as my mom chooses not to socialize either) are what I see every day. I saw my dad deteriorate and die and it is too soon for me to see this now in my mom.
I believe in counseling and am trying to coordinate day/time with therapist but schedules aren't that compatible. I will see her briefly Wed to see if the meditation group is a fit for me. I would like one-to-one counseling but there are no spots open that fit my schedule. All the open ones are while I am in class.
I know the effects of the Paxil won't take effect for another couple of weeks; I am sure she won't starve herself until then but without food and ensure she sure is a grouch and then I see the lack of interest in eating in her and I will admit to getting upset and becoming a grouch as well.
I feel as though I am doing all I can to have food in the house, I manage her meds and put them in baggies and tape them to the ensure bottles ... well, I guess I can lead a horse to water but cannot make him (her in this case) drink.
My hands are tied.
Siblings? Two. They live in other states and have their good reasons or poor excuses not to come at this time. I won't implore their help as when I do I am met with "can't come right now" and "you chose to live with her" and "I do the best I can; after all, I call once/twice a week" etc. I do get oodles of encouragement from one but the other our relationship is estranged, has been for years and will continue to be.
I am trying to take care of myself but admit to having focus and concentration problems and I have two tests for school on Monday. I plan to devote today to mom's hair appt and going to my daughters to spend her (and her daughter's) birthday with her. Tomorrow is studying and church and Sunday is studying and a friend is coming to install new brake pads in my front brakes. He is supportive to my feelings as is brother died this past summer and he wishes he did more but knows his efforts fell on deafened ears. I guess that's a normal response. So at least maybe when I make dinner for Sunday mom will eat with us and she likes him as well.
I know I can't make her eat if she doesn't want to. I know it is out of my control. I just need some hugs and know I am not alone. Please remind me from time to time to allow the paxil to work and reassure me (if you can) that once it does kick in, her appetite might increase and also that "this too shall pass". One way or another, she eats and stays here longer, or she does not eat and her doc rx'ed a NH or she joins my dad (which is what she really wants to do and it hurts me to think I will lose her so soon after losing my dad - that's where my real pain is).
Thanks for listening
Peg in San Diego
I am so sorry that I can't take the time to sit and visit this morning.......the dentist is waiting on me......:(........but I will be back to address everyone later. emjo is on the job and dispensing wonderful advice, Cmag I keep FOG in my head always now.
And a big welcome to spaz.....I love that! I have read your posts and I see you are having issues with your mother.....and yes we all have issues with a family member so you are not alone.....please for today make it a YOU day. Your mother will still be right where she is tomorrow or the next day, she isn't going to die because you are not there. Do something for yourself today, if it's nothing more than sit outside and breathe some fresh air. Go for a walk. Today is going to be the day you take that first baby step toward mental and emotional freedom. Let mom terrorize the NH personnel............YOU are going to have a good day!!!!!
Hi Carol (darro)........I think I have welcomed you once, but I will again!
Oh I have so much to gab about.....yes, everyone here can tell you I write long posts.....I can hear them now....doesn't she ever shut up.....:) but unfortunately have a dentist appt and must get moving. Today is 8 yr anniversary, maybe late lunch after dentist.
Love and Hugz to all of you,
Jam
Afgter reading the news about research frm japan linking diabetes and Alz I am more determined to get my exercise (walking for me) in - 150 mins a week over at least 3 days and it is a great stress reliever too. Here if you walk on the trail people are friendly and say hi and once in a while you meet someone you know. Keeps you in good shape for rock hunting too lol
or horseback riding -
I had to smile at the "wide streak of meanness" in the women of your mum's side of the family. I am the one who mentioned BPD. It was officially diagnosed in mother a couple of years ago though I had done an unofficial diagnosis years ago. The same exists in my mum's family - there are several women and one man that I know of who have these characteristics. The rest are the sweetest people you could ever meet. There certainly appears to be a genetic component. My daughter has some characteristics and is doing a good job of working through some of her issues. Whatever the name of the condition ur mum has, it is a mental illness, u have lived with it all ur life and u r suffering seriuosly from it - and only you can change ur circumstanmces. You do not have to continue to be a victim. You can improve your health and you can have an enjoyable life. Wish I could give you a BIG ((((((((HUG)))))))). The lack of nurturing we, with narcissistic mothers have experienced, is a major handicap in life. When it comes to the point that your life is on the line - which seems to be the case for you, then I hope your own sense of survival will kick in big time and you will put your needs first for a change. As far as living in a small town and I suppose concern for what others think - one of my fav sayings is "What others think of you is none of your business". Manipulative people like your mum and mine use others to get at us. I could tell you stories of what my mum has said about me to others. It used to hurt more - now I just recognize it as her illness and I know who I am, and what I have done for her. She even "sics" other people (who don't see through her) onto me. I either ignore them or give them a big dose of the truth. Is it hard adopting these changes - yes it is, but necessary for you to have a life. Who is going to suffer more - if you stay away a while - your mum or your if you continue going in your state of physical and mental health? It has shocked and saddened me that my mother manages fine without me around much - I have had to accept that she is a "user" and if I am not available to be used then she has less interest in me. Let us know how your day goes -and #1 on this thread - look after yourself. BTW I have a couple of degrees in physiology but if I do not apply what I know to my life, I can get diabetes and heart disease like so many others.
Thanks again so much for listening to me. My brain is still foggy this morning. I'm thinking about going to visit mom today. I can't put it off forever. We're in the same (very tiny) town.
Someone mentioned borderline personality disorder. I'm not sure, but I'm more inclined to think my mom has histrionic personality disorder. I have a degree in psychology, you'd think I could tell! But it's impossible to be objective when it's happening to you. There is what my family calls a "wide streak of meanness" in the women on my mom's side of the family. My great-grandmother was placed in the asylum when she was a young mother, and my great-aunt was diagnosed with schizophrenia (I think it more likely that she was bipolar). We actually have names for it, depending on which branch of the family we're from...we call it either the Bradley Curse or the Lillie Syndrome. LOL How sad is that. Anyway, all the women of my generation in my extended family are determined to avoid the "curse."
I'm not feeling well this morning, will check back later, but I can't tell you all how relieved I am that I found this group. I hope someday I'll be in a position to help someone else. Right now, I'm just grasping at straws to help myself.
on the light side and speaking of presents - well done SDPeg - you got the cow pattie - for the newbies - that is the prize for sticking with us and given to whoever writes the post number ending in 00