This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
As I read everyones story I know my situation is not so bad and I wish I could help all. I think you all are a great source of knowledge and inspiration. I will just keep on keeping on. My girls are adopted from China and have been abandoned once in their life ;I won't let it happen to them again. I really think when we get this knee thing resolved I will make some changes here and y'all have encouraged me to do that.
Thanks,
Carol
I use the expression "this is killing me" when I refer to watching my mom wither away and altho I do not mean I will kill myself, I can see that perhaps that's not the best quote to use regarding my stress level. So I will have to revisit that the next time I feel those words entering my brain.
I am not so exhausted with the physical but more my heart. And I will take cmagmun's advice as well and not continue to drive myself crazy with this situation. Altho I WANT more time with my mom and do not want her to go to a NH (as that's not what she would want if she was in her previous mind ~ the trauma of my dad's death a year ago accelerated and exasperated her cognitive decline) I must remind myself not to force her to live her life according to my agenda.
She and I have been the closest this past year than we have ever been in my life and I guess what I do not want to have end is just that: a beautiful mother-daughter relationship that has blossomed unfortunately because of the tragedy of my dad's/ her beloved husband's death. It is sad we could not have this before but I am sure there are oodles of reasons for it (who cares now right?).
I am struggling to get into counseling. Her schedule and mine weren't compatible but lo and behold, this coming Wed 9/28 @ 2:30 PST I will be chatting with someone who will either recommend me for meditation sessions or wait until a spot opens for one-on-one therapy. I entered therapy a year ago, best thing I do for myself, yes I vote for counseling!!! And there are many free agencies (mine is free at the university I attend) so keep looking if that's what you need.
I cannot express enough how overjoyed I am having stumbled into this group and organization. I haven't been here long but feel the love as I have stated before. (Redundancy intentional). I cannot even remember how I found this group...God blessed me with it I am sure.
In the morning as I am putting on my makeup and getting ready for the day, I check the posts. At night when I get home or am getting ready to retire, I check the posts. During the day, from my phone, I check the posts. I wouldn't say I was an addict (not yet at least LOL) but I will say that I thrive on hearing what others are doing, what works for him/her, how I can implement their life's lessons into my own. and pray that I am encouraging you as much as you encourage me.
Thanks for being my friends.
Yellowfever- This is horrible about your mom. Give her a hug from me. If that was my mom I would be on a major rampage with those people at that nursing home. There is no sense in treating someone like that. And how can they go to sleep at night knowing how they have left these patients to fend for themselves. It is a outrage!!!!! I hope that you will be able to find the right person to talk to about getting that NH of horrors CLOSED DOWN FOR GOOD!!!! I hope your mom is doing ok. and you too. Love and hugs stormyyyy
Spaz-You have found the place to come and vent and to find friends that will help you through this. I don't know what i would have done had i not found this site to vent. And that is really what i needed, of course and antipressants. And they have helped me tremendously to get through what i need to;to take care of my dad.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.Love stormyyy
Shawna: the idea of sharing a car seems okay. It is important you get independant not only to carry your mother around, for yourself, too.
Jo - always a pleasure to read your posts. Hope you are completely alright with your teeth.
Peg of Tucson: I know many aged people sleep a lot. It's not the case with my mother who is always up and running! Her days would make a bull tired, but she is stronger than a bull and indifferent to heat and cold. She always wants to go out.
She sleeps just because I "pill" her every evening.
Fever. This is a horror story! Jam has given you all the possible good advice, but you have to do something, these people have to stop doing what they are doing.
Yeahright: sorry for your father. I am happy he had all his family around and I hope he passed peacefully. A friend on the other thread (GO) has just lost her mother, so we have changed our icons in little angels. This is for your father, too!
Spazmodeous and Carrol Darro: In different situations you both have manipulative mothers... I have the same; my mother is never happy whatever she does and she is not happy to live with me. She would like to stay with other relatives who have a more intense social life. The problem is that the other relatives don't want her, and the other problem is that when you live with an Alzheimer you don't have exactly a crowd of people who come to visit you every day. Try to think that you are doing every possible thing for them and try to think of yourselves, if it's possible!
Big kiss everybody
(((((((hugs))))))
jo
I was in therapy (again) a few months ago as I was getting flashbacks due to PTSD from childhood and later experiences with mother. I would recommend therapy for you. Cmag had some good suggestions. The support there and from family and here has been invaluable to me in setting boundaries and getting myself healthy again. So glad you are venting and letting us knnow how it is - you are not alone - what can you do to make it better for yourself?
(((((((hugs))))))
jo
I really respect the way everyone here , except me, accepts their situation and seems happy in doing their job. I just find I am having trouble doing all I need to do . Right now she is worried about having stockings and a girdle. Where do these thoughts come from? Dementia is horrible. She is making me crazy.
Thanks for listening. Carol
I'm sorry to hear that your local lacks qualified therapists. My SIL lives in a section of NC that is very much that way too.
Neither of the types of therapists that you listed is what you need. A decent licensed clinical social worker or LCSW make the best therapists in my opinion and often they will take people with limited incomes on a sliding fee scale.
At the least go to amazon.com and look up some books on boundaries by Townsend and Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward as well as possibly a book stop walking on eggshells which is what your family is telling you that you do around your mother.
I'm glad you are not suicidal. Your feelings of anger toward your mother are reasonable. You don't need to apologize for them or feel bad about having them. Anyone would have the same anger that you have in your shoes.
Keep coming here and venting. Type and type all you want to and don't worry about proofreading.
My mom is 80 and often wish she would go ahead a die for reasons beyond just her quality of life. But at the same time, I can't put my having a life on hold at 54 until she does die. Are you and your brother close enough that maybe he could give you tips about boundaries and mom plus the emotional support you will need?
Your mother sounds like someone with a narcissistic personality disorder or possibly a borderline personality disorder which is also very selfish. Whatever her
diagnosis though, your focus needs to be more on you and your own life, plus your own marriage, plus your own immediate family.
How you get out of the mindset that you have always had all your life thanks to your mom is easy to say but hard to do. Allow yourself to have a life in which you have your own identity, emotions, ideas, etc that are really you apart from mom. This is going to come through boundaries. Trying to keep someone happy instead of risking their anger is called co-dependency and it has a strong grip on you. I wish that I could write to your husband for I'd tell him that you need more active support than just do whatever you feel like you need to do. Granted, it is your not his direct struggle from freedom from your mother, but as a couple you two need to set some boundaries toward your mother that you both will stand by as a couple. Remind yourself that you are not your mother and you are no longer your mother's little girl, but you are your own unique person and your mother's adult daughter. What you and your mom, plus your family actually need although your mom would not agree is for you to find your true self and be the adult daughter that you are. I wish you well in finding your way through the F.O.G. and learning to not walk on eggshells! :)
My brother does come to visit her, but he seems to have been able to put up boundaries decades ago. I don't think he really gets what I'm going through, but his wife has a better idea. My husband basically can't stand my mom but has always told me to do what I felt like I had to do. And I always felt like keeping her happy was a helluva lot easier than dealing with her when she wasn't happy. And now she's 83, she can't live much longer, and she really is feeble. I thought the Alzheimers had made her more mellow until the last time I went to see her. She was complaining about her wheelchair and I was checking it out, rolling it down the hall. One of the aids came up to me to ask what I was doing. I talked to her for a few minutes and she told me my mom won't help herself and won't help the aids. She said that when my mom has to go to the bathroom, she won't help the aids maneuver her...and she's a 155 pounds of dead weight. The aid told me when they ask her to help them she says, "I don't work here." Ever since then, I just can't stand the idea of even looking at her. Mostly because, I suppose, I realize the woman I knew really is still in there - if you understand what I mean.
I know I need to get therapy, but I can't find any decent therapists in my area! I live in South Alabama, and the few I've found specialize in substance abuse and anger managment...court-ordered, I suspect. I am on meds for anxiety and depression and I'm seeing my regular dr on Monday, ask him to adjust or change my antidpressant. Meanwhile I'm trying to figure out how to get rid of a mindset I've had pretty much all my life. My family tells me I act differently around my mom, as if I'm afraid of her. That is ridiculous - at any age, but especially at 59! I want a life, one I've never allowed myself to have.
emjo, I can't imagine my mom living to be as old as yours. At the risk of sounding absolutely horrible, I sometimes wish my mom would die now. Her quality of life is awful, and mine isn't a lot better. I want to have a chance to live before I'm too old.
I have no idea what I just typed or how long it is and I'm not going to proofread. I'm just getting this off my chest, and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for listening.
there are a few of us with selfish manipulative parents - I am one of them and if things had been a bit different I could be where u r. I am 74 and mother is 99 and going strong and possibly healthier than I am. Finally about 2 yrs ago my mum was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. She is narcissistic, and would control my life and have me centered on her and her complaints all the time if I allowed it. They suck the very life out of you. Distance does not protect - I live in a different city and have caregiven one way or another all my life. My sister will not lift a finger but is the golden girl. Only you can change this - by drawing limits,- boundaries - and not permitting your mother to jerk your chain. I learned years ago that the sky did not fall in if i did not pick up the phone. I have suffered from health problems the past few years most of which I attribute to stress from my mother. Fortunately they are not serious ones, though my blood pressure was creeping up. It is back down again now without meds. A few months ago I virtually cut off contact with my mother as I was having flashbacks due to PTSD from childhood experiences and a lifetime of manipulation from my mother and the increasing demands as she ages. I have cut contact with my sister. She is cut from the same cloth and I don't need it. I went to a counsellor - again -have gone over the years -and am back on the right track once more enjoying my life. I suggest that you get counselling and also make sure your doctor knows what is going on. You have to protect yourself if you want to get better -and you can get better. There is a good book with a workbook called "Walking on Eggshells" about personality disorders and how to deal with them. Some here recommend it. cmag talks about such people usimng FOG - fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate others. I keep in touch with others who look after mother ( she is in an ALF) and will step in if there is a REAL need. I have POA but may give it up as she uses it to manipulate. Put yourself and your health first or you may go before she does. Do right by yourself and your hubby. It sounds to me like between the two of you , you have enough to cope with. let the NH look after your mum. I have not seen mine in months and have no plans to. I do have more to say but will let you get a word in here. I am very happy to support you through this and help you get to a better space - you can do it! Don't answer calls and don't visit for the time being - put yourself first - and that will let her know the game is over.
many (((((((((hugs)))))))), love and prayers
jo
Yr, so sorry to hear about your dad... angels and prayers sent to you and your family..... grateful to hear family was there... let us know if you need anything, we are here for you, post when you fee like it....
More later..... hugs across the miles to you all.
I'm 59 and disabled (panic disorder and major depressive disorder). My husband is 64 and disabled (ostomy patient, COPD and disabled Viet Nam vet with PTSD). For 4 year, up until this past January, I was primary caregiver for my elderly parents. My stepdad died in November 2010. My mom went into a nursing home in January 2011.
My mom is hard of hearing, has macular degeneration, early stages of Alzheimers, and she can't walk (no one knows why she can't walk). Anyway, as much as I love her, the truth is she is and always has been selfish and manipulative. I thought when she went to the nursing home, I would finally be mostly free. Instead, I feel like I may be having a nervous breakdown. I know that sounds crazy - she's been in the NH for nearly 9 months!!!
For reasons I have never understood, I have allowed my mom to manipulate me and she's still doing it from the NH. I visit her twice a week, at least. The past 10 days, I just can't make myself do it. She calls me on the phone often and today I just didn't answer. I'm horribly depressed and just don't want to talk to anyone, much less her.
I had a TIA (transient ischemic attack) yesterday (I've had them before) and feel extremely weak today. My husband and my brother and SIL think my latest health problems are a result of the conflicting feelings I have about my mom.
Is it possible to have a nervous breakdown now, after all this time? I would have thought I would be much better now but I feel like I'm having some kind of delayed reaction.
Again, my apologies for the length.
YR.....so sorry to hear about Dad.......my thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm glad Dad was home and with family. The grieving process is different for everyone...check back in when you feel up to it. Lots of hugs to you......
yellow..............absolutely horrid what happened to your mother! Unfortunately there are more homes out there like that. Here is some info that might help you....
Determine what specifically the issue is with the nursing home. Be able to describe the problem in one sentence. The people you report the problem to will be interested in hearing what you have to say but may not have time for a long drawn-out story if the problem isn't truly a violation.
Call police immediately, if you believe a crime has been committed at the nursing home. Theft, attempted poisonings and sexual abuses might be violations of state nursing home laws. But they are also crimes. Get a police report to document the incident at the minimum.
Find out which agency in your state handles nursing home inspections. Typically this falls under the state department of health. Different states are organized in different ways. Sometimes you are asked to report a nursing home violation to the county health department, and sometimes you are asked to report a nursing home violation to a different department such as the department of aging.
Phone your complaint in using the agency's complaint hotline. This information is typically on the agency's website or can be obtained by dialing the main number to the agency. Complaint hotlines of health departments are usually manned by professionals whose jobs it is to help you officially file complaints.
Email complaints in by sending an email to the correct department. The email address you should use to report a nursing home violation is listed on the web page of the correct reporting agency.
Fill out any forms that nursing home inspectors request. There may be an official document you are asked to fill out and sign in order to make your violation report complete.
Read more: How to Report a Nursing Home Violation | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_2386043_report-nursing-home-violation.html#ixzz1YiEAmJEU
Hopefully this will help a little or give you some direction. This abuse shouldn't be allowed to happen and even though we all know there shouldn't be a difference in how a person is treated, the truth is that those who depend on the government to pay are usually not able to get into the best facilities available. Although there are exceptions.....my mother had to depend on Medicaid and she was in a very good, clean NH and was well taken care of and working on the ambulance for so many years gave me the opportunity to get to know people and they all knew that if I wasn't happy....none of them would be happy either. Years ago there was an aide in a NH where I was picking up a patient and her words to me were "they don't pay me enough to care"..........sent a shiver up my spine.
We are having a beautiful day....upper 60's, sun is shining. Getting a few things done. Wish it could stay this way all winter......would make me a happy camper....just like starri..:)
Have a few more things to do so will check back in later....
Love and Hugz to all of you,
Jam
luv u too
jo
My life has been to hectic for much computer time lately.
I just wanted to let you all know that my sweet daddy passed away last evening here at home with his family around him.
He was the best daddy a girl could ever hope for.
I can say now, that I have no regrets and I thank the good Lord and my husband for allowing me to give my daddy the care he needed and seeing him on to a so much more better place.
I also want to thank my wonderful agingcare friends on this thread for all your support, laughs, prayers, good thoughts, etc.
I don't know when I will be back but I will check in when you lest expect it.
Luv you all.
peglyhubba, Hospice just phoned. They told me they will follow thru. But is that a way to hush me cause they have a contract with them (the Hospice Agency and SNF). Moms Hospice agency is the SNF hospice agency. So me throwing a fit is "stepping" on someones toes.
My mother SMELLED so bad and had a sticky face. She had on a filthy stained gown. Like she never been wiped off or even her face wiped after meals. And then there was a HUGE dog laying accross mom when I went in her room. The dog smell SO BAD. (My mom was always afraid of dogs.) Mom laying under this dog was saying HELP, HELP in her quiet voice as soon as I walk in. My mom is only 77lbs and this dog was probably close in weight laying accross her stomach...... Mom no longer has the ability to force something like that off her. She just had to lay there and take it. There was no reason why my mom was wearing "their" gowns. I had pack enough clothes for day and night along with diapers and everything she needed.Her suitcase was NEVER opened everything was just as I packed it. After I swatted the dog off of mom, I pulled back the sheets to see if she had any marks or skin tears from this big dog. She was covered in dog/cat hair. I wanted to vomit. Sure enough she didn't have on a diaper and she was sitting in a big pile of feces. Now this woman has been fighting infections down there and SNF was aware. I deal with her poop all the time and it looked as if she was sitting in it for a while.
Outraged I went directly accross the hall to the nurse station. I stood their 10 mins before someone acknowledged me. I ended up chasing someone down.Along the way seeing dogs and cats running in and out of rooms,(thats is why this place smells so bad) Finally, an aide came up to me and said your here a 1/2 hr early. Why, so they could try to make mom look presentable? Like I wouldn't notice. So I bit my lip and took moms stuff to the car and then come back for her. I was gone out to car and back in less than 5 mins. When I got back to mom they had her sitting in her wheelchair in middle of hallway unattended, ready to slide out of the WC. By this time I was PISSED OFF!!! I walked down hall to couple of nurses or aids(who knows everyone wears street clothes with no name tags) and told them this place is a SH*T hole and I will be making some calls.
On they way home I had to keep windows down the SNF odor was lingering so bad I was sick. We got home took mom to back porch stripped her down and carried her in the house directly to the shower. In the shower I checked her head for lice as well as went thru everything outside to check for bed bugs. Thats how horrible this place was. If I would have been able to see this SNF farther than the main entry way when I dropped mom off, she would have never stayed.
There is no call for crap holes like this place. How can they stay open. This place is on the bigger side I think it beds up to 60-70 just on SNF wing. Thats not including the personal care home thats on main level.
Has anyone ever had to deal with a place like that? Who do I report them too that will take it seriously? I did call moms hospice agency and reported it to the staff social worker. Those patients can't live in a place like that day in and day out. I feel so bad letting mom there for 5 days.
All this has reassured me that I made the best decision to take care of mom at home!!!
WOW, FEELS SO GOOD TO VENT!!!! :)
giving notice to my renters today - time to reclaim my space
welcome newcomers - charmin -vent away - like ladee said - maybe ur sib will get a clue how it is for u
fever - hope u have been able to enjoy a break
mis -maybe someone more experienced in what u are facing can advise. i can imagine that u are walking in eggshells right now and waiting for the other shoe to drop and walking gently around g'ma. Call 911? ladee, jam can u help here? -what to do if g'ma threatens or gets violent - don't like the skeeters either
seeme -u r off for some more fun - love the story about the little girl and mum's doll -OES's puppies - that will be fun
asg - good to hear the good things about aunt - just keep lovin' the kids - and we are glad to know u r mentally competent ;) - I know we all have days when we wonder about ourselves and sometimes it IS a big mess, but we muddle through - I love the saying "sometimes I'm not OK and you're not OK but that's OK"
ros - peroxide is great stuff - cleans out ur sinuses, your teeth... being tired kinda makes us cut through the cr*p and get to the point and that is not a bad thing IMHO
stormy - hope dad's CBC is OK - hate to think of him gretting trouble around his trach - be sure to mention the site stuff in the mucus to the doc - know u must be sick of all this stuff
carol (darro) how was "dancing"- hey anything that takes u away from the difficulties for a lttle while -sounds like u have a plan for mum and her knee
vic - no horse riding yet -G is down there now mending fences -was hoping we would get away but doesn't look like it will happen very soon - he is too busy working - pain going away -can even brush my teeth more or less normally - glad dad did well with the workers - must be hard for him and I know it is hard on u
jam - if the col's teeth smell bad might that indicate infection which peroxide can help? or a good mouth wash - hope the post-eating is over
shawna -I can just see your mum chasing u with the wheelchair - good exercise for her lol -glad u r having a good day
ros - deep breathing is a very good idea - like u say - anything that helps - for me yesterday a good walk and exchanging smiles with a baby in the dr's office
charmin - hope the ideas from others have helped - do come back and let us know how it is going
ladee - glad u finally got the BS levelled - poor sonny -so confusing - hope marie had a great time out with her friend -sorry about the rats -YUCK!
SDpeg - good idea seeme had re your mum's eating - hope something helps - ros is right -grief is a slow process - watch for the trigger dates - anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, the 1 yr mark etc - all of these are especially hard on your mum and we usually feel it the worse in the days - even weeks - leading up to the date
starri, pegly, john, everyone - who is reading, posting whatever - let us know how u r doin'
G got a new position - looks good - 8 hr days so he will be home in the evenings and we will see one another - works for me! 10 on and 4 off so may be able to get away on the 4 days off - have lots of things for him to do when he gets antsy in the evenings -
have a great day all
love, hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo