This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Seeme when You get back contact me off board ...:-D okay ...
Ros I agree mom can be very negative and yell saying things she don't mean sometimes around the kids. Yet it effects my sisters and I more than the kids. Because if my sister Kathy starts scolding mom ... Alena will step up and tell her grandma ... that its okay that Gram don't mean what she says then gives mom and hug and its all forgotten you be surprised what comes out of the mouths of babes ya know. If mom gets in a snit we let her alone and the kids gather around her and she seems to calm down..She's looking foward to going to the party saturday for brooke but shes still not hapy with my other niece which the plaque came and well its not what I thoguth so I have to gt a different plaque to do the one for the baby and I did an image on this one as its a raised plate plaque so I will sell it on the first of october if no one buys it before then ... lol
And was also thinking that we could learn so much from your culture Ro.. us soft, quick to blame Americans.... guess it depends on how you were raised...like some kids now a days that talk to adults like they are something nasty on the bottom of thier shoe.... when I was a kid, we knew we would get popped in the mouth for such behaviour.....it was enough to make us stop and think.... and ASG is doing a great job with her kids....and I get the feeling if they were really bothered by something the aunt did or said, she would notice and address it with her kids.... don't mean to be talking about it like you aren't here ASG !! And I appreciate it Ro that you bring a different perspective to things,,, I would love to set on your couch and talk and listen for hours and hours.... or shout at you as you are way out in the water... sorry your swimming will come to an end for the winter...but I know the breathing thing works... I take shallow breaths myself when I am tired and stressed, then wonder why I am so tired...
Well, I'll let you know if Marie goes out to coffee today....
Oh some creeeepy news here in our little town..... the rats, not field mice, but rats are coming out in droves at night looking for food and water...... they are taking the fish out of the ponds and putting them in other places they have filled with water, no oxygen in the little bit of water.... It is getting so frightening to see what all is going on... and the Bastrop fire is still burning, only 95%contained, 1500 homes lost, 50,000 acres burned, and yet people are trying to remain upbeat and optomisistic.... I think we are just weary from the weather along with everything else going on,,, but about the rats, oh hell yes, I will be staying in after dark....
ASG, I think that your children will grow up well and not spoiled, and ready to deal with "anything" in life. I think that every one of us would like to keep his own children, or nephews, or the children he loves, under a glass dome, in the cotton wool. And we would like them to be always happy and think that life is just wonderful all the time. But I think now that if they start to know reality when they are young, they are going to live much better as adults. They will already know how it works. As it seems to me you are acting very well as a filter, that you are explaining things to them so that they don't have a trauma, they are going to accept the whole thing and probably they will find the funny side of the situation. They probably already talk about the whole thing between them and they are finding their own solutions... I had a grandmother with memory loss, when I was a child the age of yours. She told and asked always the same things. I remember that I answered to her until I had the patience, and when I was no more patient, I just run away to play. She was not the funniest person in the world, but I loved her and cried a lot when she died. It doesn't mean I was her slave.
It looks and appears he is throwing TIA's when he is like this, today will go in the journal for the daughter to take to his next Dr.'s appt...
When I went in this morning and told Marie she could go to coffee with D, she of course said she would wait to see how she felt... I already had my "speech" prepared, after a few minutes she changed the subject... I laughed and kissed her on the head, and told her that wasn't going to work, she finally smiled and said ok... So hopefully she will get in touch with D and go to coffee tomorrow and get away from everything for awhile, get some much needed energy from being around friends, and this will turn into a weekly thing for her if her health is ok and she can manage it....
So a roller coaster day, feeling so bad for Sonny and happy for Marie.... but she is talking to me entirely different... guess she needed validation as to how hard this is on her with Sonny along with her own health issues.... I know I feel a lot less stressed, and so maybe I can do a better job knowing more of what is going on with her....
Son finally leveled the house, so I am not listing when I walk down the hall, and don't feel I am in a recliner setting on the toilet... ok, won't get off on a tangent with this,
Got an email from admin and they are looking into why we are getting bumped off... love you all , will check back later, hugs across the miles..
And I hope you find someone soon, there may just be someone waiting to see and ad in the newspaper that will be perfect for all of you....I wish you luck, it is very difficult to find someone who you trust, that is loving and caring, AND for the right wages.... prayers for you and the family for a good outcome, and come back and vent all you want....doesn't matter who else is on here, this is YOUR sight too....hugs...
My dad was in a ALF, but it was one large facility, and there were aides on duty at night to help with such things...
And as far as the sibs, join the club of frustrated caregivers that can't get the others to help.... Please come back and read other posts of people in your same situation, they will have suggestions also..... or let you know you are not alone in all being on your shoulders.....
and possibly the Dr. will have to add to the amount of sleeping aid in order for him to sleep all night....
I wish you the best, and come back and vent anytime you need to.... this is what we are here for... let us know how things turn out... hugs across the miles to you....
My father in law is on hospice care. He and Mom live in an ALF. He is now waking up through the night and getting her up constantly asking if it's time to get up. She has dementia as well and cannot afford to stay up with him as it makes her worse. But she recognizes that they shouldn't be up at night and tries to sleep. The facility has been great and tries to help but there is only so much they can do without charging us more. Hospice care has been great but they do not provide overnight care. He is now on a sleeping pill. The first couple of nights it made him sleep since then not so much but it calms him so he stops the incessant questioning. However, if he's taking the sleeping pill it makes him unsteady on his feet which makes it unsafe to leave them there alone.
They have 6 kids, my husband travels so I cover everything for him. One sibling has physical limitations so he is unable to help at this time. Two siblings will do whatever they have to do to help.
The other two sibs have responded that it's too much to lose their sleep at night, can't rest on the couch that's there, we need to sleep because we have to work the next day... We put together a schedule for the seven nights a week and I am taking 3 nights, one brother is taking two night and all we're asking is that they cover the weekend nights when they don't work anyway.
While they "worry" about all of us losing our sleep they are not willing to help so we don't lose as much sleep. They want a prognosis regarding how long Dad will live which we can't give or get.
While getting someone for overnight care would help the cost is ridiculously prohibitive anywhere from $3500-5100 per month. On top of this we are already paying out just under $5000 a month for the ALF.
They cannot afford the extra cost. If we go that direction then within a year all of their funds are gone. She is not so far along that she needs nursing home care so wouldn't get in and if we go through all the money before that then what do we do with her?
SO frustrating and mkaes me so angry that they can't/won't help out with their own parents!
I have restarted to do some breathing (techniques for deep breathing) while I walk the dogs, and I feel much more oxygenated. And there is another benefit; as this kind of breathing doesn't come natural and you have to focus in order to make it right, you forget your problems for 1 hour and your nerves relax. After 1 hour of this breathing, the lungs are widened and I start to gasp for air, and I understand how little air I inhale in general. I think we have to help ourselves as much as we can! In every possible way.
It looks like it's going to be one of those "I can do whatever I want days"....yippee....
Thank you for the suggestions for the col's mouth.....if you could see the shape they are in you would know why those teeth are beyond help. She has always used the Listerine whitening rinse and sometimes I have to remind her to use toothpaste, she forgets and would just use the rinse. When she fell and injured her teeth I think she took a direct hit on them. The roots don't have a blood supply.....they are dark gray, breaking off and peeling and smell horribly. Nothing would ever bring them back to life...bleaching wouldn't touch them. But she can and will eat anything she wants...she was told yesterday that if she starts having pain then we must deal with them.
Talked with seeme last night.....that was so nice and thought we were going to be able to get together, but it doesn't look like that will happen. I'm hoping to do something next Spring. I should have all my dental work done by then....cross your fingers.....and ready to go somewhere.
The world is starting to come alive here so I will check in again later and see how everyone is.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Jam thanks again for the website it helped. Take care all. Love and hugs stormyyyyyyyy
Finally finished reading all the posts..ASG, my gma was a tough old bird and as a kid I didn't care much for her but through the years I remember her fondly. I pray your kids will remember the small good times with auntie. Besides you talk to your kids and help them to understand that she is ill. They will appreciate this later. They will also remember how you and hubby cared for her. You are a fantastic person and you and family are doing the best you can.
YF..go with what everyone says..although I know how words hurt..try to remember it is about taking care of her. If you aren't well or relaxed..how can you take care of anyone else! So come here to vent all the ugliness and then you can breathe in the goodness too!!
D..sorry to hear about your moms knee. Cortisone does work wonders and sometimes it takes a few days to help, especially with the elderly. 96! Wow.. My mom is 91..she has back hip pain but can't get the cortisone shots anymore because she is on coumaden for her heart. So she does the acetaminophen thing.
Starri.. No know! Hope when it is ..stay out of the 'yellow snow"! Haha
Jam..glad you guys made a decision for COL on her teeth. It is possible like Ros suggested to have her brush some with the peroxide ..it should help with the bad breath.
Stormy..poor daddy. Sounds like he may be getting some bed sores. I use a lotion on dad to help with this. Their skin is so sensitive especially with diabetes.
Sdpeg glad you and mom had your talk..mom and I get like that with each other on occasion. And emjo is right paxil takes time to work in system..they say 2 to 4 weeks.
Pegly..poor FIL.. Hope he and you can get some relief from the c-diff soon.
Seeme.. You are in prayers especially. Pray you have the best time! And spoil the heck out of that niece grandchild! Party!! Love and prayers daily. You are on the road...pray you have a safe journey.
Emjo..hope you a still on the healing road.. Having a blast with G at home. Have you gotten to ride horses yet?
ladee...you had a lightbulb moment! Yaay for you! Brings peace of mind back! You are such a loving compassionate person and you have incredible insights.
I bless every day that I have you folks to convers with and listen too. That you Jam as always for starting this thread and I thank God for me having found!
You all have given me insights into my daily life and listened .. Loved ..prayed..advised as all needed. Thank you! So proud to call you friends.
Shawna..hope you are busy busy getting stuff ready for fair and also I hope you found a way to get yur drivers test. Hope mom will be feeling good today.
Love ya,
Jam
Have a good night everyone!
Love and Hugz,
Jam