This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
As for the driving test? how about your nephew Rick? I am sure he would be happy to help, or maybe a neighbor? Keep in mind sweety there are people on the face of this earth, that you just can not make happy no matter what you do..and for those people, piss on them, their not worth the air they breath..
Love and Hugz,
Jam
OOOOPPPPS she fell face first into a REAL cow pattie, um, I'm so sorry !!!!!
Had a whole book written and the darn computer ate it again......of course we all know I won't remember a thing I had previously written.
Cmag......I'm not sure I could function without my lists. This is a great thread filled with wonderful, smart, loving people that I am proud to call friends. I am so glad you are almost back in your man-cave....it's like our own little piece of heaven to have a place to go to where someone else needs to be invited in. I understand you are having some overwhelming feelings right now and each one of them is valid....and do you find that we all basically live with this impending sense of finality when we are caring for or have a loved one nearing the end of their life cycle? Each day I wake up and wonder if the col will still be with us by the end of the day? I was feeling some very depressing thoughts when my mother passed last Dec. and hubby reminded me that with both of my parents gone, I am the next generation in line, that was what made me feel like I was. Kind of puts things in perspective because there is so much I haven't done, so much I still want to do and learn and makes me want to start making my own "bucket list".
I have been trying to keep up with everyone today. Okay, which Peg had the baby poisoned by the a$$hole neighbor? Call the ASPCA and turn him in. Breaks my heart.....I am a dog lover and if I could get away with it my backyard would be full of every abused pet I could find. I cry when those commercials come on.....I can't watch them because I want to just grab everyone of them and show them there are people who love them.
Okay, I have watched the embarrassing display of seeing the Chiefs smeared all over the Detroit Lions field. So that was a waste of good time...I changed the channel at the 3rd quarter, couldn't watch anymore.
Got interrupted and have been helping my son work on the starter on our atv. Finally figured out what the problem was and needed 1 single nut to hold a piece on the battery, and out of all the junk we have there wasn't a thing to be found. So he will look and bring one tomorrow. Target cooked dinner while we did that and I'm pigging out on a huge grilled pork chop...yummmmmm. We had to cook a chicken breast for the col and tell her it was turkey. She won't eat pork, but loves bacon, go figure...and says chicken makes her sick, but she will eat fried chicken made by either one of us and has eaten KFC after being told we made it.....and never got sick...:) Sending this off before I lose this one also.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Hugs to you, Shawna, from San Diego, Peg
I love the support, kisses, hugs and love I feel on this site.
Thanks, Peg in San Diego
I have a cousin who is a few years older than me. She took advantage of an Italian law of several years ago and she could retire after 25 years of work, including the years of the college, so she retired when she was a little bit older than 40. It means that for the last 20 years she hasn't done anything at all and she has her retirement allowance. Her husband earns a good salary, so she has no financial problems at all; she scratches her belly from morning to evening (Italian expression which means: she does nothing), basically. Her daughters are grown up, her mother (my mother' sister) is well and perfectly lucid and basically (again) she never had to clean her mother's poop, which I have done 3 times today, and it was stinky and sticky, by the way. The only worry that she has is to plan the next trip (she leaves for a trip twice a year).
Well this cousin called me a few days ago and I was so tired that I had a very low voice. She asked me "Why do you have a low voice?" And I said: "because I have not slept at all tonight, because I have worked all summer in order to get some money that I badly need". Do you know what was her answer? "Well, you are lucky, there are so many unemployed people.".. The "f**ck you" was right on the tip of my tongue. I would accept that an unemployed person, who would die to have any job and has problems to find money to eat, tells me "you are lucky, there are so many unemployed people." But you, lazy and rich cousin, you can't tell me so. Tell me "I am sorry for you", it would be fair.
Of course I didn't comment. I am fed up with making comments and explain people one or two things about life!
Peg from San Diego, you are right. This site is wonderful, people give you lots of good hints on how to deal with problems which become more and more difficult if you live with an old sick relative, especially if he suffers of Alzheimer. I have been writing on this site for over one year and I learned so many useful things, and I understood so many things, and of course the fact that you don't feel alone in this mess is also very helpful.
I have to work now, all night long, because I am lucky I have a job!!!!!!
kisses everybody
Hugs across the miles (I always feel those, don't you?)
This site is great, the people are comfortable to chat with ... thanks!
Peg in San Diego
And cmag, you keep us afloat more than you know..... so we are just being here for you like you are for us...... hugs across the miles to you ....
Jam, creating this list was a great idea. This is by far the best thread I've been on in my time on this site. :)
To All: Once again I cannot thank you all enough for your posts. Altho we are all many miles from one another, it is like you all are here in this room with me talking about our lives and sharing our successes. I appreciate the info about the diseases and stresses of caregiving. I appreciate hearing about what has worked for others as I absolutely cannot think of everything to do for Mom myself. I feel secure in sharing my life as it is today. Thank you all so very much. In the midst of your struggles today please remember you have touched my life in ways you may never know. Thank you. Peg in San Diego
This morning I embrace what you wrote and claim it as my mantra and will laugh when I remind myself that "hero brother" is not worth the stress both he and my mom cause in my life.
Thank you for posting that.
And also: ladeeda: I agree, love is powerful and I am so thankful for everyone hear. As I was telling someone about this site, I likened it to have a safe, soft place to land after a hard day (or even in the morning when I wake up with defensiveness in my heart).
Hugs across the miles ... I do feel them and in the warmness of my newfound friends, I thank you for being here for me and everyone else.
Today should be a good day. I have already laid out the ensure and morning meds, mom is still in bed which gives me time to myself. Actually she is the loner personality and therefore most of the days I am home she busies herself with this and that (and then does this and that again because she forgot she did it the first time). I am blessed, so far, that she does not wander at night (I know she gets up once to go to the bathroom but that's in her room and she is currently capable of doing that herself) so I do get a good night's sleep after I watch a little tv. As I read, I see others with more in-need elderly to care for so I know, at this point in time, I have an easy time. Only time will tell.
Good morning and please know, as I drink my one and only cup of coffee of the day (all 12 oz of it), I am thankful for the friendships that are flourishing.
Peg (SD)
Vic glad that you got some rest last night, it makes a difference.
Shawna, you are doing a absolutely wonderful job, your not taking advantage of your mom, like it sounds some of your relatives might do.. Keep up the good work and to hell with the rest of them.
Been up for about 4+ hrs. already – should say awake - but not functioning
Oh Peggy – governments are awful – the red tape they make u go thro - but glad there is some benefit I understand your anger at what was done to ur dog –they are loving animals and helpless in the face of such malice - I too wonder if there is somewhere u could report this
Peg – sounds like you are pre-grieving your mum. As I said, multiple grief is hard and becomes “complicated” grief, as you are not finished grieving one death before the next one comes . When that is close behind it hits you hard and they add up. Not that u totally get over some deaths, (as I have found out with losing my youngest son) but in time you come to terms with it. Looking on the bright side is good – there usually is something positive to be found in any situation. As to whether your heart could handle it – what choice do you have? There were years of pain and confusion and grief work and, of course, I still miss the people I lost, especially the ones who died young. Thanks for the hugs. Glad u could talk about the hero bro to ur daughter with more comfort
Ros agreed – there should be some protection against such acts of violence
Mis – understand about “me” time –so important. Love your new pic – glad u had a good chat with hubby –absolutely u cannot afford stress and another heart attack - no matter what ur age - also agree that grandma needs somewhere where professionals can care for her –some respite is a start –can u get your doctor to recommend that u stop caregiving because of the stress? That should impress hubby. You have done this for 4 yrs. – that is a long time out of ur life – sounds good for ur aunt to come more often to give u a break. What an awful story about ur own grandma ((((((hugs))))))
Hi Shawna –glad u had a good day and never apologize for a long post or u will get some of us in trouble lol - 7 years is not all that long when grieving someone who is important to you. Glad ur mum stood up to the idiot sister and told her the truth. U r such a good daughter taking ur mum everywhere and getting the cheapest sneakers and watching every nickel and dime -think u r entitled to some wages for looking after ur mum – enough to cover things like medications at least – totally agree – siblings are not worth the stress., I have basically cut mine off. I don’t need the continual put downs
Vic glad u got more rest
Ladee – u called the cops – good - need some boundaries there –I am planning on dancing in the basement once it is empty again.–Yay!!!!! Yup, room for more antlers lol – at least they don’t talk back
Jam, Seeme, John, Starri, - everyone – hope u had a good night’s sleep
G called last night and the current jobs are done so he will be home today Yay Yay!!!! Better get that beef soup and some chili or such ready. Looks like he will take the regular job. Can’t imagine him on 8 to 5 – he will get antsy by about 7 for something to do. He will likely be working 10 on 4 off so that gives us a chance to get out of town once in a while –as long as the horses are OK l I still want to ride Ebony.
Raining here again and 50 degrees –but supposed to be going up in the next few days –fine with me
Love, hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo
Have had to come up with my own "Peg" solution to keep it straight in my head.... so for me, it is SD Peg and T Peg.... or I can just say "to the Pegs" and write stuff and ya'll figure out who I am referring too....half the time I can't find my car keys, so ya'll be patient with me....
Mis, how absolutely horrible for your grandmother.. how do you get past something like that???? There are so many bullies in this world, and your uncle is one of them... Karma can't come soon enough... no wonder people take the law into their own hands..... this about your grandmother is going to haunt me....
And hope you get things done with the house and don't have alot of hassles and can get her placed somewhere safe... and am very proud you stood your ground... let us know how things are going...
Shawna,Yeha for mom about the grandson... she can say NO and that is good. No one will take advantage of her... and you are an awesome loving daughter to take into consideration her finances when you got your shoes... but don't go without your meds... she would be upset if she thought you were not taking care of yourself. And you DO have a job, taking care of your mom... and are trying to start your own business, so don't even listen to stupid people.... and post away, it's sort of like having gas, better out than in.....
Cmag, I do the same thing sometimes.. for me now it is the changing seasons that bring about introspection and memories...I examine my own time on earth and wonder if I have made a difference anywhere.... just the human condition to look our own mortality in the face... I thought I was going to be here forever...hope you have some things that make you happy, I mean really happy..... and do those things, we are going to be dead longer than we are going to be alive.... so enjoy, really enjoy something that makes your insides feel good.
SDPeg, didn't that feel good to stay calm and still have your say about the "hero" brother... am very proud of you for trying something new and finding that it works... your plate is already full, one less sib on there will lighten the load..
Ok, are both the Pegs in school???? I know there was something I wanted to say to TPeg, but it got lost in my addled brain, maybe it is where ever I sat my car keys...
And yes, this thread was started for all the right reasons, and all the folks that post here are such warm and loving people.... I kept telling Jam when you do the right thing for the right reason, good things happen... and we have some awesome people on here, who circle the wagons when someone is over burdened, sad, mad, fed up.... safety in numbers.. and that many more prayers going out....angels rushing about helping lighten the load.... but as Jam says, she may have started the thread, but it all of us that make it happen.... tho she is a mama hen sometimes, but that's just Jam, needing to make sure all the chicks are in the pen at night... There are hawks out there, but they post other places... so not to worry... love is powerful, more powerful than all the hawks in the world...
so, hugs across the miles to everyone....
Jam, sorry to hear the col has to have that many teeth pulled... maybe that will cut down on her eating some,,, I would dread having to take care of her and her mouth afterward.... ok, you have "ears", "eyes" and "teeth" taken care of, now buy her some bigger clothes and she is set to go.... don't fix anything else....she already thinks she 22, so don't get her lookin' too good....
Starri, hope you are out of the prairie by now, lord I would loose my mind in the flatlands, I'd be talking to rocks....
emjo, get those renters out and make room for more antlers, I already know what I want for Christmas....
Seeme Sue, love you with all my heart and hope we hear from you soon, am really missing you......
I agree with taking out the folks around here... there isn't many which is sad... I take mom out everywhere we take her to breakfast and sometimes dinner. She goes everywhere with us ... if we go to the fair she goes with us .. the only time we don't take her out is if its like really cold...or rainy. It will be better when my landlord puts up the awinng in front of my door so that it don't pour on us oh well. Maybe I'll just find a cheap one and have my brother in law install it or nephew (Rick lol not Eddie snort like Eddie would do crap for his gram) Oh that's another thing that sometimes burns my biscuits ..he started his comments about what mom buys ... mom bought me sneakers like two years ago... I made her buy the cheapest pair ... she wanted to buy me these 36 dollar ones I said no took them back to the service desk got the money back later we went to payless and got 14 dollar ones. Now he made a comment I groweled at him ... because he don't have much to say as when we were there getting my sneakers he mentioned his boots were wearoing out .. MOM bought him a pair of almost 40 dollar steel toed boots ... its her money I know but it pissed me off big time. I watch every nickle that goes out I keep a log and everything yes mom helped me restart my business with my printer and my ink and products I admit that .. but when I sold my first set of mugs and such I paid her back and got her things she wanted because thats just what YOU do. So when my idiot brother who I NO longer talk to and has been told by the nephew (the good one Rick) that if he makes a comment he's gonna get it. When he says comments like that I use moms money and that I need to get a job it just burns me up.. BIG time. To the point I got upset and when I was low in funds from my own stuff I refused to get my cold meds because It was moms money ... yes I know I got told off by my sister Jeanne for doing it. (she said its not like I am spending the money on just anything ...) Sometimes siblings are just NOT worth the stress they cause.
I'm up early as always again only slept in for an hour but at least I get some me time, which hardly ever happens anymore. I really miss the times where I didn't have to worry about anyone but myself and the hubby and we could just take off for a weekend and go ride our 4 wheelers up north.
My hubby and I talked about what happen Friday night with grandma threatening to hit me. At first he said well put up your fist and say let's go. I told him no, I'm not taking this type of abuse from anybody. I told him that I didn't need another heartattack from the stress. I'm too young for that. He thought about it for awhile and came back in the house and said that he will talk to her doctor about it and maybe we can find a place for grandma to spend a few weeks in. We are co POA's and personally I believe she needs to go to some place that can better care for her than what we can. I'll give up some credit we've done our best for the last 4 yrs. We began taking care of grandma after my mil passed away from colon cancer. We didn't talk about it amongest ourselves we just stepped in and did it cause of his step-dad abused grandma finicially. I'm going to call her lawyer tomorrow and ask him about the Lady Bird Deed, which will help us out alot. Grandma already decided that she's leaving us her house so if we can prevent the extra taxes on us plus if we put her some place they won't consider her house real property by having the Lady Bird Deed. Some states recongize it and others don't but here in Michigan they do.
Yesterday was a good day, grandma was pretty good. She kept saying that she wouldn't know what to do if my husband and I weren't here. She's been talking alot lately about dying. My aunt came over to give her a bathe and grandma was talking about her obituray. So I asked her what she wanted it to say and this was her reply: This Louisanna cajun has finally kicked the bucket, yipee. All of three of kinda of laughed. I told my aunt what happen on Friday she said she can come in more days, but I don't think that will help much. Grandma likes my aunt alot so we just might have her come more days.
We try and Grandma places but it stresses up out. She gets confused really easy and keeps asking well where are we and then she says Daisy and Peanut are probally cussing and they will ask us "Just where in h*ll you've been all day."
I told Grandma yesterday that we'll be going to a baby shower for my niece here soon and she was surprised that she's going to be a great great grandma again. My niece has been sending us ultrasound pictures and we show grandma and she doesn't remember. I hate this disease. My own grandma had alz back when I was a teenager. We found her dead outside in the middle of January only because I tried calling her and couldn't get no answer. I called my own grandma everyday to see how she was and when I couldn't get answer I called my cousin who lived next door and he couldn't find her. My own grandma lived alone. My uncle wouldn't let my grandma live with my mom and I. So I hate this disease. My own grandma froze to death in the middle of January. I do not talk to this uncle anymore because of it.
I can't remember which Peggy it is but I would call the Humane Society on your neighbor. Something should be done about him.
Cow patties now that's funny.
Re: Buddy: oh no, I would never trust that mean neighbor again. It is a shame to have that much property for a dog to enjoy and feel as though you have to be monitoring a sick neighbor's actions! That sucks.
And the paperwork? Yeah, let's rally around that for a minute. All the work filling in page after page and the govt gets the credit ... ha ha .. just thought that sounds like my "hero" brother ... ha ha ... "hero" government!!?!! Come on, chuckle a little bit.
At least the reimbursement will be retroactive. "There is always something to be glad about" as Pollyanna said!!! (love that movie; anyone remember it?)
Emjo: I cannot imagine going through so many funerals and feelings in that short span of time. I don't think my heart could handle that. Hugs to you, my friend.
Peg in San Diego (just to differentiate from my new friend Pegly in Tucson ok?)
Since when does the Government give anyone anything automatically?. I filled out the five page application, (it wasn't difficult) but it was my work. anyway. The best part of the letter is the effective date is 8/1/11 so the $1200. meds will be partially reimbursed, and the benefit is good through 12/2012. yippee.
I really had a difficult time getting over what was intentionally done to my dog. We had thought of places to hide the body, and wondered if he would even be missed? the neighbor. alas he is still our neighbor. Buddy never goes out into our 1 acre yard alone. I can never trust that he hasn't done it again, when i let my guard down.
Cmag- my heart goes out to you, please know we care.
pegly, in Tucson
so self care has to be a priority for you. You can't stop the ravages of old age and disease on them, but you work on how it affects you,
Is it depressing - sure! it is never nice to see any one deteriorate for any reason - nonetheless that is life and we have to cope with it - doing something good for u should help -dwelling in it won't though the going through the grieving process is necessary - think you and your wife are going through some anticipatory grieving -and that is good - just make sure you don't let it take over and that you find time for some fun stuff too
ladee -hope u have a great sleep and that marie is ok next week - hope the son comes - serenading neighbours could be worse I guess - hope the jury duty is not too bad
peggy -smooches to your puppy - poor guy - what awful neighbours
ros (((((hugs))))) can you go swimming again -maybe a friend has a pool
vic -hope u can get some good rest
jam -enjoy the peaches in the ice cream
shawna - I lost u there on fb - had to eat and sleep - fighting some kind of a bug and slept like a log this afternoon
starri - multiple loss really does a number on you - know it well -20 deaths of friends and family in 5 years - you don't know who you are grieving for - hated answering the phone in the middle of the night -another funeral, throw some clothes in a bag and take off - even my youngest -Gordie - had his funeral clothes ready to go - little did we know he was on the list too -sometimes life sucks
lov ya all and those I have not mentioned
jo
Cmag, when you see so much sickness around you it gets to you sometimes, are you taking care of you? doing good things for you? when I lost Mom and then my husbands brother just a short time later, it hit me really hard..take some time for you..
I am also sorry you are having to work so hard... if I win the lottery, you are first on the list.... OK?
There are many elders here in my little town, come from hearty stock, still speak in German if you make them mad... but they are some stong folks that I learn a lot from... some will talk with you, some won't, they think you are after thier oil well money.... and believe me there is a lot of them have money here, but you would never know it.
Well talked to the daughter this evening, Marie came home last evening... she is on antibiotics for what ever was causing her fever... bet Sonny is more relaxed now.... so next week should just be a regular week.. I appreciate the extra money, but just get too tired..... my needs are simple, so no need to work that many hours in a short amount of time....
Thought ya'll would enjoy this... remember when I called the cops because my neighbors were playing thier music so loud... well they have stopped doing that, but tonight they are drunk and outside just singing thier little hearts out.... think I will just leave them alone... at least they do not have any music making my windows vibrate.... or my eardrums....
Son is coming tomorrow to level the house and do some odds and ends here, yeah right, I'll believe it when I see him... Whose kid is this anyway???? And I keep telling him I will be glad when his real mother shows up... nah, he's mine, but his dad gets him the next 41 years, I'm done....
so am going to bed now.. hope everyone gets a good nights rest.
love ya seeme and miss ya...