This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Peggy, I am so sorry to hear about what happened to your dog, I am one who believes what ever a person does to a animal in abuse should have the same returned to them, he threw rat poisoned meat balls, he should be made to eat them.
anyway back to my dog, he was poisoned, it was coming out of both ends, the vet washed him out both ways. he had to take stuff to help his liver, many lab tests--- he then developed Valley Fever. he shakes all over, like he is freezing cold when we go to the vet for anything. for a 90 pound dog he can curl into a quivering small fur ball. he is great, and I love him so much, they are so unwavering in their loyalty. he understands most english. he is great with all my pets. anyway just wanted to tell ya'll about my Buddy.
I went through the "I can hear without hearing aids".....now the col loves them. We are currently going through the "I can see without my glasses just fine"...I used to argue with her and tell her constantly to put them on. Anymore, I don't say a word, if she wants to wear them she will, if not, well she won't.....I'm not making myself crazy over a pair of darn glasses.
I sincerely hope everyone has had a wonderful day......it has rained here off and on and supposed to continue tonight and tomorrow. Makes for good sleeping....I think the col didn't get up this morning until 6:30.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Jam, I was thinking of COL who is eating like a wolf - a teenager - a person who just came back from a hard hike on the mountains... And it makes me smile. You'll have to adjust your budget to it. You might start to buy food in bulk.
I agree with the question that many of you asked. Where are old people? Here in my village they are hidden in the houses. Nobody feels like going shopping with them, going to the café with them. Either they are in good shape, or they have to stay home. It's so sad. When I think that my mother hates to be home and she wants to go out all the time, all the time! I don't know why people have to be ashamed to show themselves in public with a declining old relative. That's life, after all. I have to say that all the shop owners around here, the cafés patrons, they are extremely kind to my mother, they always try to find her a chair, they welcome her with a big smile. So, what's the problem in carrying the old relative with you? (If he/she behaves, of course..... And he/she doesn't destroy everything. I can't carry my mother to the supermarked because she wants to buy everything, but it's the only place where I can't take her.,...)
I changed my candle into a rose because the lady of the other thread is dead (peacefully, thanks God).
Tired .. Ready to get in bed. Will try to write more tomorrow
So happy to hear the "Pegs" are liking it here.... we try to make everyone feel welcome and safe, so we are happy you decided to stay....and cmag is our much needed male voice on here... and he does let us know there are very kind loving men in this world...and we are blessed he stays with us...and beta, hope we hear from you again as well.... you are always welcome, always...
I have been a slug the past two days... didn't go rock hunting this morning, too humid.... any excuse would have worked, it was nap time....
I have jury duty this next week and haven't been able to get ahold of the family to let them know.... so don't know how Marie is or whether she is home or not.... guess I'll wait and let it be a surprise....
So now I am going to put things away her in the BS, get my visuals clear and then who know what I'll do... I do need to get started on Christmas gifts... need to check and make sure my clay didn't bake during this summer's heat....
Love ya'll, and hugs across the miles....
It is a reward for hanging in there with us.
Glad u got the " thank you" from mum this morning - any sincere expression of gratitude really helps - and it is wonderful that she is supportive of ur studies
still in ur nightwear - me too just woke up from a nap -
good luck with the week's studies - u r going to ace them -
may I ask why u chose American Indian Studies - I am Cree by marriage (my ex) although there were problems, I learned much
What's a cow pattie?
Accomplishments, headaches, frustrations, .... yep, sounds like life to me.
I understand about the dental work, for my mom it's her hearing aids ... why bother to wear them? "I can hear better without them" ugh! I disagree with her.
Mom is very receptive to me laying out her meds and ensure and thanked me this morning for that ... thank yous go a long, long way in my heart.
She is resting, still in her robe, I am still in jammies (yep, after 12noon and still in jammies, so happy) and organizing my studying for this week. Chapter after chapter to read. At least mom is supportive re: my studies (returning student at a university in case you missed that post).
Thanks for the welcome, happy to be here!
I see Shawna got the most recent cow pattie..........ladee better get your boots out.
Hello and welcome to the family to all the new posters. I hope you feel comfortable here and will come back often. I can read a lot of accomplishments....some family headaches....some frustrations............you will fit right in...:)
I guess I'm tired today and have been reading all the posts, but just doing my lurking in the corner. Have had to explain a dozen times to the col why she has to have all this dental work. She doesn't want to spend the money when "I won't live that long".....maybe so, but at least I will be able to stand beside her without gagging at the smell.
It's cool and rainy here today, one of those "sleep all day" days. Had to have Dish out to realign the satellite and he started calling at 7:30am.....have made a german chocolate cake, sliced up a bowl of peaches to pour over emjo's ice cream recipe, cooked the col a hamburger for breakfast and this was after her morning bowl of oatmeal, 2 cinnamon rolls, pancakes and one package of Pringles......I just don't know where she puts it. Had to order larger diapers and her clothes are all too tight. More cyber shopping in my future.
Again, welcome to Pegs and beta............and I hope the rest of the family is having a good day.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
and many of my friends are the "kids" that hung out at my house with my daughters (now grown). They were so kind last year when my Dad died reminiscing what a nice man he was. That was so special to know teens were noticing his specialness years and years ago. Makes my heart proud.
Each morning I set my mom's ensure, vits/meds, empty coffee cup, equal, and a spoon to go along with her choice of breakfast. This morning she thanked me for doing that for her. That filled my emotional tank up somewhat that's for sure. It's the thank yous that keep me going!!!
peg - it has taken me many years and lots of tears to get to this point - Life is tool short and at 74 mine is getting shorter all the time - true for all of us - they construct a view of me that does not match reality. Their loss as far as I am concerned - a pattern of a lifetime - a game and I do not have to play.
I figured out why no one could find me on FB- my privacy settings were on custom, and limited who could find me, so for a short time it will be open to everyone. My photo is my golden retriever. I hope everyone is doing great today. We are off to Walmart, REX loves to go shopping and drive the little cart around, Rondo says he thinks Rex tries to get it into a tight spot and have to manuver it carefully to get out. What ever, men and their driving egos.
Thanks for hugs ... right back at ya!
Congrats on your A's it is hard work I know ... I had to drop out in 09 because the help i was supposed to be having so I could go to school fell through. Now I owe the college. But that's life unfortunately.
I have pretty well cut off contact with my sister - she and mother communicate directly and I know stories about me fly back and forth - whatever - the way it has always been and I can't change it
you are doing a great job -for ur mum and for urself (((((hugs)))))
I am content with the decision I have made to stay in school. After all these years, I see so many changes (some good, some hard to get used to) but all in all, I want to keep my brain active.
My mom also is happy to stay in the house until I get home and then she wants to go out to dinner (sometimes I am not home until after what I consider the proper dinner hour ~ like 8:30 p.m. due to traffic and the recent power outage) and I am encouraging her to eat at regular, normal times (like we used to) so her body will be consistent. I am doing my best and seriously "to God leave the rest". As you stated, I cannot change those who are in denial and thank you for reminding me of that. Although I am getting settled in to do homework, I do look at my email and this site is the only one I open during study time. There are so many mentors here; so many "sisters"/friends. Yes it is hard to see anyone deteriorate "but it is their life and their choice" ~ after taking a deep breath (trust me, deep deep breath) I let that truth shower over me. I am thankful my sister is also my friend; my brother and I will definitely part ways when we no longer have a common parent. I try to communicate with him to no avail (no common courtesy "thanks for the info" response) and won't beat my head against that brick wall anymore.
Onto my books, thanks for the post ... had to laugh, the malls are great places to go shopping for the seniors but who buys the groceries? yeah, yeah, I know, we do! ha ha
When Mom passed, I called the "Eldest" and told him that she had, offered to put my phone to her ear and let him say goodbye, he didn't want too, so that is something he'll have to live with for the rest of his life. Mom and Dad both are gone now, they were of the generation that thought boy's were the be all, end all, have you ever heard the thing about Eskimo's putting the girl children out on the ice over night, and if they were still alive the next morning, they were kept? I'm sure it's just a old wives tale or something, but I've always felt like the "girl" child, not good for anything but a servant.
It still hurts to think about it, but eventually, it will pass and we'll come out stronger on the other side.
one thread had a discussion about falling and it will happen sometimes and nothing u can do about it - u r doing all u can.
sounds like u r ding a great job - oh in Edmonton my mum's city -she shops at 99 and amazes everyone - just had her hip redone and can't wait to get back in the malls - now that being said she can shop for clothes but not for groceries lol
come back and share more
wow - ur educational plate is full - you obviously had some great counselling
when people r in denial u can't change them - or any other time - just deal with ur own stuff - my mother would be better off if she socialized instead if sitting in her unit and thinking about all the ways people are failing to meet her expectations, but no one can make her do that. -so she is happy being miserable my sister is in denial about my mum's personality disorder - i have just let it go - got better things to do
as far as memorization goes - succeeding in your studies involves so much more than that, and at ur age ur capacity is still quite adequate and in addition you have life experience and have probably have better thnking skills
hard to see anyone deteriorate - especially when they could do something about it -but it is their life and their choice
my "sisters" are my girlfriends - my sister is not a friend at all
(((((hugs)))))) sounds like u r doing very well.
I also will be returning to counseling on campus as they were so instrumental in aiding me during my shock-grieving time that I know helping me with this part of my life will be successful for them and me as well.
I want to say that perhaps we are all awaiting the approval of a parent and we just may never get it. I repeatedly told both of my parents that I rec'd a letter from the Pres of the college for straight A's and do you know, not one word about it? Finally a week or so ago my mom asked about the letter framed on my wall, I told her and she said "well excuse me" ... what? no "good job", "I am proud of you" etc? ha ha. Nope, she just thought I was flaunting my intelligence. But you are so right (your therapist), "forget it" ... "it was never going to happen". We do our best and that's all we can do. My brother had the same experience, his denial almost cost him as well a visit with my Dad prior to his death. I wonder if his denial regarding my mom's health will result in the same result.
Thanks for posting. I am sorry for your loss. Please keep posting about your relationship with your brothers ... I feel a kinship with you in that regard. Thanks, Peg