This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
now I am blubbering - the "sharp words" thing has put me in touch with some pretty basic pain - thank you for sharing that - in 2 words you summarized my childhood - just need to process it - I know the space from mother is allowng for some healing
((((hugs)))) vic and have a good day
coffee and choc now - can only help
welcome ib4billy - yes, lots of stories and urs is not a pretty picture either - my mum has been like urs all her life (borderline personality disorder) so I know how hard that is and am glad u know ur own limits - she really needs a medical assessment to find out why the personality change is happening - I also understand about her blowing up at any mention of getting help - i sympathize - my mum would never acknowledge she had a problem - it was always some one else (usually me and my father) so "she did not need help" - 0thers here may have some ideas of how to get an assessment. Perhaps a social worker or such could come to her home with you and if she blows then at least some one professional knows about it and may have suggestions. I am not in the USA so don't know your systems - though i am learning. Can you talk with her doctor or even your doctor and find out what resources are available? Good that ur brother is still coping during the week and glad u have decided to not go over alone - that is a healthy limit. She may also know that she is going down hill and it seems when this happens people take it out on the closest one - not that that means you have to stay on the receiving end - #1 here is take care of you ((((((hugs)))))
starri - thinking about u - and everyone else - check in when u can
love, hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo
It has been pretty good here. Dad has been pretty perky. He did his OT exercises fairly well when we sit and watch him do them. Yesterday was difficult as his body just won't relax. Last wednesday we went to urologist...should get urine culture back today. He has appt. This wednesday to see his internal med doc. Will have to take him early to get blood work so doc has results at appt time. Nights haven't been too bad lately..he has only called two or three times in the night better than every couple hours!! Will tell his doc that I think I see some blood in bowels..at least what looks like it. But not every time. It isn't his hemorrhoid. Although there isn't anything that can be done. Don't really want him to know if there is because he will just stress about it. Want him to be as
happy as possible. He has a great appetite and a good outlook most days. Yesterday...everything I did was "too rough" so I stayed at the other end of house as much as possible... Today will be better!!
So glad some of you are getting away time!! It is what refreshes the mind and body...makes it easier for us to come back and do what we all do!
Happy late birthday emjo! Sounds like it was a great day! Glad to hear mum's emails are far and few in between!! Words are like very sharp knives at times and those that are close to us have no clue!! Had a few of those yesterday.
Ladee hope that your charges will eventually see your worth...you are a very special lady!
Have been stressing for several years as to send off forms for dad to get VA compensation. He has military retirement. My understanding though if he received it would change the amount they get in retirement but make up fir in compensation. Have been scared to send off paperwork as I don't want to mess up what they receive now but if he qualified for more..it would help to have so that we could get more time with a sitter and maybe qualify for the VA aid and attendance program that gives the caregivers 30 days a year respite time. Man would that be nice! Looking for someone to say just a few days so hubby and I can get some time away is 250 per day... 4 days..1000.00. Just too much even though it is a great price. It is more that we can afford. Wish my brother would get his rear end here... Not only to ,give us a break but mostly to see parents as they love and miss him so much. I send him a text now and again to let him know about dad ... He at least calls mom when he gets them but damn!!! Oh well no use harping on something that won't happen anytime soon. If he does come then I will just take advantage if it happens. No sense in crying over spilled milk! Does it sound like I am trying to convince myself!! Lol yes,yes! Oh well
Love and prayers to all of you!! Thanks for listening!
thanks YR - had a good time - my purpose was really to give the grandkids a good time - my kid's grandparents did not exactly do that. I want my grandkids to have
good memories of our times together - seems to be working -
take care of you too - balancing acts are tough -too bad they cannot do more for your dad
it all went well - Gary turned up with a bouquet of flowers about 10 mins before my daughter and family - have not heard a word from the boys - whatever - we had a fire going and roasted smokies, hot dogs and strips of steak - had corn and salad - then toasted marshmallows and made smores, i made the blueberry ice cream - the kids drank boxes and boxes of juice, ate chocolate, and cracked nuts and played with the stuff i bought for them and left with smiles and giggles - their dad remarked - "sugar high" - no doubt We all enjoyed it. I have promised them each another lunch treat with me (like their birthday treat) some time in the future.. Em and I will shop for make up lol and not sure what Joel wants but I am sure he will figure out something.
It is nice to see them growing up into relatively well behaved kids Gary was pooped and has gone for a nap. To be fair, he was up very early at work this morning and apparently has work to do this evening. I am chillin'
the emails from mother have decreased dramatically and I am realizing more and more how much pressure there was from her and how much it ate into my life - and all unnecessarily in many ways - except she has a mental illness and that drives her and these problems - glad to be having a break - more than glad actually -and feeling I can breathe again
take care all and doreal - hope to see you here again
love, hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo
Sorry to hear your dad is still in so much pain...... and hope you know if everyone isn't happy, it just may be them and not you.... you are such an awesome daughter.. what is there not to be happy about..
Hope your dinner was good, I do no cooking here, it goes in the microwave or it goes between bread... do enough cooking for Marie... well, hope you have a good evening and love ya ... hugs across the miles to you..
I am just trying to keep everyone here happy. It's a balancing act. Dads back is still hurting him. I just keep the pain meds in him.
It is still hotter than hell here. "sigh" I am so ready for winter to get here.
Well, I have dinner on the stove gotta go stir it. Have a great evening.
Hugs,
Jam
I checked your page and there is no information about your situation. I know that caregiving can drive a person to the edge of reason and the end of their tether
some of us have been at or pretty close to that point
dear soul, please let us know what is going on so we can help
and/or get help from a crisis line
remember feelings are temporary
waiting to hear from you and please promise me you won't do anything to yourself
(((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
jo
jam u would definitely NOT survive here though frost in July is pretty unusual. they say it has snowed in every month of the year though does not usually do so - now it is a lovely 79! sorry u r sore all over - let's hope for no more poopfests for a while
ladee - musical neighbours eh??? hmm what can we do about that - there must be something u can do with hangers that would produce noise -ya know sometimes it is time to pull the plug but only u know when
john - stealth mode sounds good - let us know how empty the house feels - personally I love it but did suffer some pangs when the last one left - however they all returned again at one point or another and then I was really glad to see them go
seeme - glad u got some sleep but sorry u had to make a trip to ER - get caught??? at what??? feeding my grandkids marshmallows??? lol what excitement!!!
stormyyyyy - have a great time at the beach - don't get sunburned - can't eat cake but will have some home made ice cream!
shawna - honey, any relative to talks to u like that is an ugly person - inside and out - that goes for ur bro, sil and any one else - glad u made some sales and got some orders - and yes, as ladee said - u r beautiful and I am glad u let him have it!!! sounds like about time -
hi to everyone else, vic, YR, ros, betty, smile, miranda asg and anyone I have forgotten
and my feelings r just fine lol - u gals r the greatest!!!
got a few small steaks that can be cooked over the fire, corn on the cob, marshmallows, and pie, fresh coconut, mango and blueberries and will make blueberry ice cream - dd will bring the hot dogs and buns and salad, and other stuff to make smores, the kids can play with balls and those noodle things and little boats in a tub or water - and or course bubbles!!!!
looking forward to it and better get going doing a little organizing and tidying up - but only as much as I feel like doing - they can live with the rest
a/c time - I may be indoors most of the time lol peace and quiet and cool
love ya all♥♥♥
jo
Anyway it was besides that problem and a few minor upsets everything went okay.....
I finally got tired of Marie always giving me a negative answer everytime I wanted to help her with something.. HH aide will not be there next Thurs. to bathe them, told I would do it, No, I'll get Linda (her daughter) to come do it... made me so damned mad... does she not trust me or just doesn't like me??? I did a real mature and professional thing and said "WHATEVER !!!!!" , stomped out and slammed the damned door.... I did not hire on to be the housekeeper and cook... I know ya'll think I am crazy, but I get so damned bored.... I know many of you would let me trade places with you in a heartbeat... ya'll could dust and I could clean poop from daylight till dark...... never happy, I am just never happy... lol..... but I do get so bored, am going to have to "rethink" this or I will not be able to put up with her as I am her house slave.... told the HH aide to be on the look out for anyone needing help... I would rather be dead tired from working my self half to death than being bored.... and Marie expects me to be up and moving the whole time I am there....I put up with too much crap from BG to do this again....Ya'll that were around then know cause I bitched ever day about something about BG and her mouth... but I do not have the same attachment to Sonny that I did to Ruth.....
But I go in the next day, she is as sweet as a sugar cookie, wished me a happy bday, which I had forgotten what day it was, AND gave me an extra $20 on my check as a gift.... ask me if I am confused... maybe letting her know I am getting frustrated worked, if not I will set her down and talk to her.... I can pack up my stuff and go live in Jam's lake house, don't need this aggrivation.....And Seeme told me I could have the room upstairs if I come there... so it's not like I don't have options here.... Lord I am tired of trying to stay professional, at least ya'll get to say what's on your mind with your charges..... I have to smile and say "yes ma'm", yeah I get paid, so what. Ok enough of that, need an attitude of gratitude.....Having problems with Firefox today, my email notifications are coming is so small I can't read them... others are having the same problem....... why can't I just click my ruby slippers and be somewhere else for a little while...... love ya'llllllllll
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO OUR DEAR EMJO, HAAAPPPPYYYYY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woke up this morning sore from one end to the other....hmmmmmm......oh yeah, now I remember.....it was all that poop wrangling yesterday. How does one not know they are covered head to toe until someone else points it out? Here's hoping today is a little better. I'm sure glad I own stock in Shout.....all the stains came out of the clothing.
seeme....so sorry about Mom. Sometimes things don't show up at first, so you might want to keep that in mind for a few days. Ya know like when we have that little sore throat and the doc says there is nothing there, then in a few days we have strep, just takes a bit for it to grab. We thought maybe the col might be working on a UTI and that was causing the bizarre behavior yesterday. Going to wait and see today if symptoms remain or get worse. Don't want to start antibiotics too soon if not warranted and then build up an immunity to them. I am so glad you are getting a break....are you and hubby going to get a chance to get away and do something? Maybe even go out to eat together? How about hop on the bike and just go for a nice ride?
stormy.....hope you have lots of fun this week and I'm sure you will. Most people put their location on their profile page, others leave that information blank to protect themselves from unwarranted intrusion into their private lives.
ladee......isn't there some type of noise curfew so you don't have to listen to loud music all the time? That used to be a pet peeve of mine when I still lived in town, now I just listen to the tree frogs at night......sometimes the traffic but I have learned to block that out. Unless an ambulance or fire truck goes past, then they like to honk or hit the siren to say hello.
Today, I'm hoping my son is coming out and we can get the yard finished. Supposed to warm back up after rain Monday and Tuesday and I want this place looking a little trimmer. I have got to brave this heat I guess and get down to the lake house. Need to paint around the front door and sweep out the garage. Have had some people looking but no offers. Need to call the realtor and tell her we will take a low ball just to get rid of it. Since I couldn't talk ladee into renting it..........:)
John......I think between all of us, we can come up with lots of things for you and your wife to do in that empty house. Now you will probably have a whole houseful of college kids popping in for weekend visits.
Rossella..........hope you are having some fun this weekend and not having to work. How did shopping go?
betty, marina, Vic, YR check in when you can.
starri...........I sure hope you are feeling alright. Maybe just busy getting ready to leave? Thinking about you!
Just talked to my son and he is coming out so we can finish the yard work. So guess I should think about moving myself away from the coffee pot.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Seeme the only rocking this van sees is me walking from one end to the other because it is not level,,, and what else could you possibly be talking about...lmao..
Stormy, gonna miss you girl, have a good time...
Seeme, glad to hear nothing is wrong with your mom, and TI's are very common, I think that is happening with Sonny but know Marie will never listen to me, so will tell the daughter..... but at least Sis had a ER trip under her belt before you really get some time off, tell her again how much we appreciate what she is doing and giving our friend a much needed break.... love ya'll, later
Ladeeee- You like metal music? Me too! That's what I used to listen too when I was a teenager. Long time ago. I still like it but i listen to other kinds now. Back then I did not like much country now I do.
Seemeee-Let me get this straight your sister's name is Debbie? My sister's name is Debbie also... I hope you too have a wonderful visit this week!!! We are going to north myrtle beach!!!!
EMJO-HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR EMJO, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!! I hope you have a wonderful day today. Tell someone to make you a cake!!!!! Love you lovely lady!!!!
cmagnum-maybe you and the wifee can find a new hobby to help with the empty nest. I don't know what I will do when my little leaves. But i hope i got a while before that happens as he is only 4 right now. But the time flies when they are little!!! Take care!!!!
STARRI- WHERE ARE YOU AT? YOU OK. CHECK IN WITH US. LOVE YOU!
Betty and Marina-come back and talk with us. You will find love,support and wonderful friends on this thread!
Jam-How's the poop crown going? Hope you are doing alright. I going to miss talking with all of you. I would love to meet all of you one day. Wouldn't that be cool? Have any of you met each other on here in person?
Ros- how's the back doing? What kind of work do you do? U try to get some rest this week ok. And no 400 posts ya'll while I'm gone. It will take me the rest of my life to read all of that. Just kidding!
Vic- take it easy this week!!!
Well, i hope I haven't forgotten anyone but if i have just know that i love ya and i will be talking to ya soon!!!! I guess i better get off of here and start finishing up packing. We are planning on leaving about 12 today. I think hubby said we can't check in til 3 or 4. That is too late for me. They should only charge you for half a day. Well i might try to check in one more time before we leave today I'm going to missssssssssssss ya'llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll!!!!!!! Boo-Whoooo!!!!!!! Love and (((((((((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))STORMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY...........................................................
Since it is now 1:45 am on Aug 21, let me be the first to wish emjo a very happy birthday.......and many more......
Jam, I will relinquish the Poop Queen crown to you if it means I no longer have to put up with it !! LOL OK, OK, you can have it for now, since you have a better story than I do at this time. Maybe we need to pass this around, too........hope I don't get it back for a looooooooonng time............
I went to bed after sis got here at 3am until about 7am and mom was done sleeping. Showed sis the every morning routine. Then Kathy and most of her family came over to see Debbie. After everyone left.....I TOOK A 4 HOUR NAP !! Got up around 4:30. Kathy came over with her grandson for Debbie to see and reminded me we were eating at her house........yea!.......no cooking!! We celebrated her almost DIL's birthday. After cake I decided mom needed to go to the ER. She was saying too many outrageous things, and had a strange look to her I just didn't like. We got there just after dark and got home at 1 am. They did chest x-ray, blood work and urine, and she is fine. What??!!?? Urine showed up fine (she just got off antibiotics Tues), and other cultures take 48 hrs. Blood is fine except for slight anemia............doctor thought I was wanting him to place her somewhere. No, not there.......not yet..........not at all, if possible.............
She had a panic attack trying to get in the van. Debbie wasn't doing it the right way, hubby was hollering, while I was getting her medicine list printed off the computer, and mom was screaing HELP! HELP! GET THE AMBULANCE!! When I got there I was able to get her in and she calmed down, but all evening at the hospital her BP was 212/93, 216/96 nothing less than 200/90. They still released her after reminding me that she could be having mini strokes, and maybe that's where the confusion comes from. At Kathy's, she was buying my dad a white truck before it was too late........guess what, mom, it's already too late..........and when she was introduced to Kathy's niece, she looked straight at me and said, Hi Katie. So now it is almost 2:15, everyone asleep but me, so I will give up my peace and quiet and go to bed. Mom's already been up once since I sat here and started typing.
Vic, take it easy.....emjo, if you aren't gonna take it easy, just don't get caught...jam, I know you were in EMS, but I think poo gets caught in there for 50 yrs.........John, I think you can figure out something to do in your empty nest......
And now we have Betty amd Marina.......please check back in and tell us more. We love to see new people here.....don't be strangers.
Starri, What's the word?? Stormy, What Beach??? Remember, no dusk to dawn swimming!!
Ladee, what is the next thing for the BS?? Got curtains? Got ear plugs? Just don't go rocking the van...............
Give me some more time to get used to my hours and I wil be on here more. Now have plans with Kathy for Mon AND Tues.........whoooopppeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!
emjo, drama like I read on one thread makes me want to go into a stealth mode for a while. We have the last half of the drive home to do on Sunday.
ladeeda, Most of the orientation for us parents was very good. It was hard saying good bye, but being our last child, it was harder on my wife. Compared to our oldest son's orientation at an in state university, there were pluses and minuses on each side. Given my family of origin, I would have loved to go to a college like our youngest son has gone to.
Hope eveyone had a good day, am going to put some more stuff up in the bedroom so I can move around... love to you all..
Welcome Marina, a boyfriend!!!! How cool is that, and it gives you a break too. Hope you and the boys had a good time today...
Jam, you sharing about the col's poop day reminds me of the day I came back and ruth was covered from head to toe, cabinet tops, furniture, Isn't caregiving one big adventure.... you do know we are going to laugh about this stuff one day, if we still have a sense of humor left....
ladee.........I've been busy all day! seeme....sorry sweetie the poop crown belongs to me now. It's mine and I'm keeping it.....:) I have been up to my elbows and would someone please tell me where it all comes from? I'm afraid we'll have to get the septic tank cleaned out. I've just about cleaned the color off the toilet.....to say nothing of how many baths can one person get in a single day? This last go-round we managed to keep clothes clean.....don't ask me how, because it really should have been an impossibility but we did it. Every available surface has been cleaned with clorox from one end of the house to the other. The only thing I haven't washed is the dog and I'm hoping he was able to get out of the way.
ladee....I sent the hanger trolls to your work house since there is nothing for them to do here. And your welcome....:) love ya!
seeme.....I so envy you some time away. Whatever are you going to do with yourself? Give sis a big ole hug from all of us!
stormy.....enjoy your time away, I'm sure you will, and please take lots of pics. Want to see lil red playing in the surf and sand! And wave hi to all of us so we will know you really went to the beach.
Hi betty.....you sound like me except my husband retired at the first of the year. If you want to know how many hours a day a person can sleep, just come talk to me. That's a shame about mom's kidney failure...when the organs start to fail it's like a roller coaster. Knowing what to expect doesn't always make it easier but it sure is nice to be able to see things and not have it sneak up on you.
marina.....well tell us more! I like a good love story....:)
emjo....I couldn't live in the northern part of this country where you're looking at frost. We're still melting here. I remember one year when we went to Michigan to visit my mother in the middle of July and woke up one morning to temps around 30 and frost on everything! I was ready to head south.
starri....you must be packing and getting things ready to head out of town. I can't wait to be able to do that.......not a care in the world except for where do we park tonight?
Shawna is busy selling lots of items this weekend....wasn't this the festival weekend?
YR, Vic, must be busy or having "me days".
Rossella....take care of yourself, ditto on what emjo said......was glad to see the video of Nicky....she's a sweetie.
John.....empty nest now? No telling how much trouble you can get into....:)
And anyone else hello, check in and let us know how you're doing.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
thx ladee - OK now I think, I know he is with us - just miss those big hugs and the smile that lit up the room - r u getting settled in and has Diva forgiven u?
HI Betty - welcome - ah take a nap - have a rest - as u say - it is a tough job - sorry to hear about your mum's kidney prob - not easy but glad u have a good specialist - a good doctor is so important - and always - look after u
HI Marina - welcome too - ur mum has a younger man??? (I peeked at your wall) LOL - so do I LOL but I am only 73 - well 74 tomorrow. how old is your mum and her boyfriend - believe me there are lots of younger men out there who like older ladies - just have to screen out the ones who have $$$'s in their eyes. - have a great time at the fair with ur boys!
better do that shopping soon I guess
hope everyone is having a good day
love hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo