This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
seeme u r absolutely right - haven't they got a job to do other than harassing people who r giving excellent caregiving???
YR wondering how u r
anyone -I have a sinus infection remedy that costs pennies -I had sinus infections for years -first one when I was 7 and 3-4 times a year in my adulthood and as many anitbiotics till they didn't work any more and no doubt contributed to this candida infection, anyway if anyone is interested I will post or email - I have been free of infection for well over a year now and if one comes on, it goes just as quickly -wish I had known it years ago
luv and hugs♥♥♥
Jo
Emjo- I sure hope you are right. About us finding a job when the time comes for us to start looking. The way the economy is right now and with jobs so scarce it is a bit scary to think about.....
Lonken, I'm sorry to hear that it's reached that state, but it does eventually, where you can not care for them at home any longer. It's a hard decision to make but a decision on what's best for the both of you.
Jo, Thanks for the good thoughts, hope you are feeling better and that muscle has quit hurting. I'm with you Jo, it's either the creek or YMCA..would rather have the ymca.. Is there a hotel/motel near by with a pool? maybe you can make bud's with one of the folks there and get them to let you use their pool.
Ladee, my dear, what in the world has you feeling like you do? I like what you said about the problem not being the problem, it's your attitude about it....Jam? where are you? I'm with Seeme, it's a sad thing when our government thinks it's ok to screw with someone that is doing good, and won't take the time to check on those that are not. We miss you.
Heidi, Hi-Fives for you, I don't know that I could do that on a regular basis..
Big Hugs for all, and for all of you that haven't checked in, in a while, please do and let us know how you are.
ladee I know you need some rest -
stormy - this is a huge change for u and I can imagine ur brain is in a whirl -and ur sisters. - good for dad for accepting that it has to close. u both are resourceful hardworking people and I am sure u will figure something out for employment - those years in the store were not wasted,
lonken - I and the other understand where u r at. I know the sacrifices and costs are huge. Look into a nursing home or Assisted Living as the Alz will not get better and she will likely need more and more care. you and your girls need a life too and your girls need their mum and your hubby needs his wife if I have the timing right one girl is heading into the teens which can be diffficult times for all. Do you have POA as that you assist you in managing her resources. There are others here with more experience in those things than I.
Starri - u will be OK. just go with the flow and be good to u
seeme - are ur ears still hurting - like the judy attitudy!
ros - glad u got to swim - i want to!!!! It does me a world of good too. - but have to go to the YMCA
all - holding you up in prayer
love and hugs♥♥♥
Joan
I had a hard today with gran. She's 87 and has Alz. She does well on most days. But today???? I sell BeautiControl and had set up a booth for the afternoon at a merchants' day trying to draw buyers to our downtown. I told her when I left: where I was, what I was doing, and when I'd be back. She called my cell phone a few hours later asking who I was and what I had done with all those people who lived with her. I finally about 30 minutes later I got home to find that she had dumped her leftovers from lunch onto the top shelf of the refrigerator. I had a mess of coleslaw and beans to clean up.
I said I'd let her stay with me and my family (I have two girls, 11 and 6) until I couldn't take care of her anymore. I'm afraid that point is about here. I cannot make my family sacrifice more than they already have. She's been with us around 5 years. We've not been on a family vacation since before then. She'll either have to fork over the money for someone to come stay with her when I go back to work (I sub teach at the schools) or go to a nursing home. I burned out. I'm physically, financially, and emotionally spent. We cannot do it alone anymore.
Thanks for listening.
How is your dad?? Any news??? I hate that you are having this drag on and on, when you simply need answers.....with my mom, we never did get an answer and my dad refused an autopsy, which all of us found strange, but that is another story....
Hope everyone is having a decent evening... more later after I take something for my backache.. Marie was a hard to please lady today, and Sonny was being stubborn, first time he has ever done this with me.... so, a little piece of what is yet to come I am afraid, oh well, I signed on for it, hugs to everyone..
And Heidi, I am not jumping on you and your happy attitude. I would love to have that outlook, but it is very hard when you are too tired to care. I already take meds and wonderif you are, too? I go to doc Monday, maybe I will ask. BP has been going up steadily, but I do take meds. It is the situation......
The ones I feel the worst for are not those involved, but the new people coming on any thread here and reading this mistrust, the ugly remarks, and wondering if this is a safe place to put what is going on in their life... it may be cyber space, but some how someway, there has to be a loving compromise and take the new people into consideration.... this world we live in has so much misery going on... things out of people's control, they are suffering, war, famine, floods, droughts, the economy.... and on and on... and yet here we are, participating in something that a hundred years from now will not make any difference to anyone.... I for one, feel, if we can't contribute to the solution, then we are choosing to be part of the problem.... I have friends on this sight, not just this thread, that are carrying such a load, they are so exhausted, one who is grieving her son, one who is worried out of her mind about not getting a straight answer about her dad, one who posts positive things and we all feed off of it because it is so refreshing...and many more just too tired, too broke, too stressed and wondering how to put one foot in front of the other....those are my concerns... where are these people going to go when they get tired and weary from more stress ......
Can't we all just call a truce? Let it all go and start over? Maybe I am being naive in thinking it is that simple, but how we respond to this speaks volumes about who we really are..... What we stand for, and what we are willing to fall for... As I said, I have people I care about all over this sight..... maybe if we tried harder to just care about each other, instead of drawing lines in the sand and choosing sides, or saying things that are simply meant to hurt and cause more problems....Just something for each and every one of us to think about... love you all, prayers for a resolution.....
Stormy, I hope the test gives good results... Try to relax until you have the results.
Ladee I went to swim this morning! the sun was very hot, the water was very fresh... Wonderful!
Bridget, hope you read us all the time. We can get a little crazy, but a little crazy here is a good thing.....much better than throwing things.......that is just fun........
Got a skype call from my fave niece a while ago. Got to see her 7 mo old boy stand up in his PaknPlay. This is the baby I was carrying when I fell in May tripping over his car seat. None the worse for wear.........him that is.......I just go to the chiro. Life does go on.................
Thinking about Jam today........Ya know something? If a case worker would have been a fly on my walls today, these are some of the things she would have heard.... "I've been yelling for an hour and no one will answer me" (reality - 1 min maybe), "I know you left me all alone" (reality - took a shower), "Now I have a headache from yelling for you all night" (reality- all BS, Kathy was here), "You keep me locked up in this room all the time!" (reality - she wanted to lay down to take a nap, gave her a pain pill, and raised the bedrail). Makes you wonder what that fly may think, doesn't it? But when they walk into a nice clean house, patient's own clean room, all the supplies they need, and their own bathroom, a clean patient, it makes you wonder why they aren't on the walls of some houses where elders are alone, trying to care for themselves, and checking into their cupboards and fridges for food, checking for A/C or fans in this heat, and making the system WORK for a change. Nooooooo, let's terrorize a well-cared for dementia patient, scare the shit out of her, cause trouble for the caregivers and relatives and call it a good day's work. Sucks, doesn't it...........our tax dollars at work..............
Time to post this before I get on another soapbox.........later.....
Put the gloves on and dove into the bathroom. You would think that previously owning an inn and a restaurant I would be immune to the personal bathroom habits or lack there of (I know, they are sick and elderly) or people but I still am not. Vacuumed the house (I think I vacuumed 40 chiwawas - my poor New England dog, Magnolia, moving here to Missouri is shedding terribley) and even got my MIL's nails clipped!! Feeling good. Feeling positive.
I send prayers to all who are having a hard time today and who's loved ones are suffering - physically, emotionally or spiritually. Love - Heidi
Caregivers United..!! Have a Blessed Day..!!!
Bridget
I think I am finally getting over this sinus infection. Really sucks when you are all achey yuck. Makes everything else that much more intense. Feeling better emotionally too.
We have had a few days of what has become normal. But dad has been awake on and off since 1:30 this morning..whew.. He has been talking off the wall and calling to say off the wall things and seeing bugs crawling on wall again. Wonder if it is the meningioma in his brain causing this since he isn't on any pain meds just Tylenol now at night.
I decided to call doc to see if he would order home health again as I think it may help. I think having pt,st,ot come my help him to work a little more. Maybe they can help his muscles relax a little. At least it would break the cycle of him and I struggling with each other and maybe make mom feel a little better emotionally. As I think worries more and more. I am glad she find strength in prayers. We aren't getting along real well right now ... Too much closeness and too much alike! Lol course I am the one who is bitchy, frustrated and angry all the time. Have to REALLY work on patience and calmness. I did get to my house for an hour yesterday, helped to have a changed of scenery. Maybe it will work out that I can spend a little time there today. I pray everyone has the best day possible.
Having been a drunk, I can tell you their not easy to deal with, since getting sober, their even worse for dealing with, and a mean drunk? I will not deal with, have no problem what so ever in having their butts hauled off if they will not take them off themselves.
My brother (our current resident drunk) offered to come over and help out with Mom, baby brother had not started back drinking yet, I told him thanks, but we could handle it, really could have used his help at least a night or two aweek, but he would have brought the sister in law, and those two are like oil and water when together.. Mom didn't need that kinda stress. nor did I need the extra work, I would have had to be there, making sure they weren't showing their asses around Mom, so if I had to be there, might as well have peace while I was there.
Well, think that I am going to go lay down for a while longer, and then get up and get something done..don't know what, but something..lol..
Starri, Gonna be hot here again and maybe some rain this afternoon....can only hope..........
Stormy, sorry to hear about the lump under dad's arm. PET scan today....finally.
So glad hubby is a cop. I feel you are a lot safer just knowing that. No telling what can happen with bro this weekend. Just tell him to leave if he can't do this sober with thoughts for someone else besides himself. Drunks piss me off. Mean drunks should be shot.
Jam, keeping the light on as Ladee says.....
Ladee gonna clean her BS......Ladee gonna clean her BS.....lalalalalaaaala
MJ, stick around and see what happens in the chronicles of Caregiving on YOU...
Aaaahhhhhhh mom calls.....like music to my ears........more like my ears just started bleeding...............later.............
Ladee ? did you end up going back over to the Shady BS? lol, i know that with your temper as high as it was, you were probably worn out, but the temptation to just go sit in it would have been almost to high for me to resist, just sit there sip on a drink and look around..lol..
I do that alot, like with the camper, I might not do more than just open the door get enough crap out I can get in and just sit there and visualize what it is I want to get done. Kinda like building blue prints in my mind. People think that I am nuts..
right now, I've been building calculations on how much I can get where if I move what..lol, figured out if I collect up and move all of the "tools" hubby has in the camper out to his new tool box, that will free up a lot of room, tighten up on the area under the bed, that will open up some. After that, next step is shopping, if I can keep my silly ass from crying..lol..
Was just checking out the weather forecast, says rain for like the next 6 days.. back to the sauna we go.. Rain is wonderful, keeps the lakes up, but turns the drive into a mud puddle. Oh, well, stuff happens.
Stormy, I am afraid your brother has so many problems of his own that he can't be of any use. If I were you, I would just forget that he can help you in this very delicate stage of your father's illness. I am afraid that your sis and you will have to deal with it yourselves (and you are already lucky - you are 2!)
Starry it is normal and healthy that you cry. I remember when my father died that I had to be strong while I was near my mother, but when I was alone I cried a lot and I spent months cleaning my house! It was as clean as it will never be anymore. I came home from the office, and I started to clean, until 2 or 3 in the night, and then I tried to sleep a few hours and then I got up to go to the office. I heard of many people that when they are in stress and in pain, they clean. I don't know why. Maybe because it's very tiring and it shifts the pain from your soul to your body... I don't know. Any sorrow have to be digested, and not denied! The more you take it out, the sooner you heal... I still miss my father a lot, after 16 years, and I still cry for him, but of course I have learned how to live without him.
Big kiss to everyone else... I have to take a night breakfast and work! (it's 5, here, almost morning)