This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Now that the PROBATE JUDGE ordered her to go home, everything is upside down again. I have been crying because they are obviously stealing the food, using the phone to make long distance calls to the tune of $120.00, watching tv upstairs, complaining if she "has an accident"...one ordered internet after impersonating my mom in order to get it!
The newest live in lady, greeted me by YELLING AT ME, because there is only chicken and steak in the freezer and all she eats is FISH, 7 nights a week. "White people is suppose to have cereal in the house, you have none, what am I suppose to have for breakfast!!!" (can you believe this DIVA??)
She wants "special water" to drink even though the tap water in my moms town is fine. (In my town it is terrible to we get ours from a spring)...complain, complain and then upstairs to watch TV! Next day we took the TV out of her room to end the isolation that comes from this behavior.
LIVE IN, 24/7 care is a NIGHTMARE! I am trembling right now and I just want to run as far away as I can from this madness.....even if I change workers, it just goes from bad to worse.
My moms Probate attorney feels really bad for me...he said to "hang on, go on your vacation, I will be here if anything happens and when I get back"; he is going to try and get her to go back to the AL. He is wasting his time, she will NEVER leave her home no matter that she is literally killing me with the stress of hiring and keeping people to dote to her every whim.
I actually am beginning to hate my own mother.....time to save myself and let PROBATE pick a third party to handle Conservator of Person (I can do the Estate part as it is just bill paying) and let her go broke paying them $150.00 an hour to keep up with this "definition of insanity"~
Stormy don't worry about a explosion, start it yourself..lol... let that brother and lousy wife of his know exactly how you are feeling, if they are not capable or willing to help, then just stay the H away... you don't need their mouthing complaining BS to top the stress that you and your sister are all ready under.
Cara I understand the voice sending resentment singles to your brain. sometimes when i just want some time to myself and I work on the computer moms voice constantly calling me (sometimes for no reason) makes me want to bang my head against the wall. It used to drive me crazy when my nephew (25 doesn't have a job won't take a bath ugh... doesn't do anything but play video games! ) would come down supposed to help me and mom wants something instead of getting it for her like he was down there for he'd come in here *my work area* and tell me Grandma needs this or that ... like he has two broke hands or something and can't do it himself. After awhile I told him not to come down anymore cause all he's doing is eating us out of house and home couldn't cook Tuna and mac and cheese does NOT make a meal .... and it was costing us 60 bucks for gas for his mom to bring him down .. so I finally had enough and told him to stay the heck HOME... anyway .... yep sorry had to get that off my chest..
Hey, Stormy and I live about 2 hrs apart...Starri is probably 5 hr. If you need me to smack some drunk brother, I can do that.....even if he is a moving target.....does he wobble much? But oohhhh so good of hubby to step up to the plate...bless his heart...in a good way.
I have some reading to do, so I'd best get it done now.........back later.
Just haven't figured out what sibs are good for yet, of course not talking about your sis, but tell her not to worry, ya'll will do fine.. That is a shame she can't even go to a wedding and get away for a few days without having to worry... but you and hubby will do fine...... hope the explosion waits until after the wedding.... sorry he is being such a butt.... hope you and little man had lots of fun today... hugs
I'm not sure how wise I am, but I feel your pain.
We did not move my husbands step father into our home, rather my husband and I fixed up our home of 36 years, and rented it out to our daughter and son in law and 3 grandchildren. Then my husband and I moved into the home of his step father. Talk about a role reversal. We live in the only other bedroom of his house. There also is only one bathroom (and I have IBS which can be really scary when "Grandpa" is using the bathroom and I desperately need to get in there :-P)
The whole house smells, no matter how much I clean it. Grandpa uses a walker, and is always saying to me, "sorry let me get out of your way" and what are we having for "grunch?" He definitely has a learning disability and it's so hard talking to him sometimes because he doesn't get it. He has diabetes and doesn't care if he's supposed to be on a diabetic diet or not because he is "living on borrowed time" as he states it. I'm tired of hearing the same stories every day, him asking the same questions all the time, trying to breathe in that hot house all the time with the only A/C that works in my bedroom.
I get tired of him telling me he doesn't think I need to put a waterproof gerri pad on my brand new car seat because the time he had an accident was a one time thing. (that's a very long story there) At times Grandpa will not eat breakfast and take his insulin anyway along with a 4 oz. glass of what he calls orange juice. Then he just talks incessantly till lunch if I am in the room trying to be nice and keep him company, while the TV is on full blast, because he can't admit he needs a hearing aid.
I need surgery on my back, but how can I do that when I'm supposed to be caring for him. I had one previously in March 2007 but I was in my own home then. What am I supposed to do, race him to the bathroom with my walker, while he's using his? Who will take care of me if I have the surgery? My husband works full time.still till he retires in about a year or less.
I know I shouldn't complain, but he's not MY relative. At first it seemed like a good idea, sort of, moving in there to keep him in his own home. But he was so much easier to take when I just came over and took him shopping, to the doctors, or whatever. Actually living there is getting to be too much. I feel like I'm in jail :-P
His grateful when I make dinner (he will eat absolutely anything) and do the dishes, and always remembers to say thank you.
Don't get me wrong, there are days we actually get along, but I think its because I have given up.. Then there are days I can't stand the sound of the old guy's voice!!!
God help me!!!
Cara
Cara
To all of you, please stay, post and tell us how your days are going, the good the bad and the ugly, currently hubby had to get me out of the house, had a melt down yesterday and it was a matter of take me somewhere or I was going by myself, didn't matter where but I was gone, so we're up in Helen GA, I'm debating on either a swim or a nap or both..lol.. Hope that everyone is staying cool..
everyone have a good one
I got jumped on the first ten minutes I was in the house yesterday for leaving the utility room door closed...... I didn't say anything because I have stress of my own, and I think her idea of how that should work is stupid so I just left the damned door open all day, it's her light bill, she can pay it.... what she wants me to do is open the screen on the door leading outside, then close the door to the main house.. well, ok, it's, uh, like 105 outside, what is the difference??? But I didn't argue, just kept a wet hand towel around my neck all day... it is so hot in that house sweat is dripping on my glasses.... ought to tell her I hope none of it gets in the food....
But I am still giving her atta girls, even tho she is complaining about everything all the time... makes me feel better to be saying positive things to her... instead of getting upset over something I have no control over.... doesn't mean I don't "think" stuff, I just don't say it out loud....
Well, hope ya'll stop by and let us know how things are for you today... emjo and starri hope you enjoy your time away...
And just a reminder, everyone here is safe to say what needs to be said to make your day go a little better, the situation with Jam is something that started way before you guys were ever here... on another thread, so please know that you are safe here, no one is monitoring us, and so what if they do... nothing is being said here that isn't said anywhere else on this whole sight... just a stupid game being played, and if we all do the right things for the right reasons, it will all be ok... please, let's continue as we have been...
And one final comment about this,, Jam has friends here, not followers, she created this sight for US, not HER, she has no need to control or dictate anything, she has a full life, and what goes around comes back around.... love you all, and she will be posting again, she's not gone, just taking a little vacation from it all.... let's pretend she is in Vegas, can't get to a computer to tell us about the gazillion dollars she won, as she would be on a plane to the Bahama's... so let's continue ladies with our love and support of each other and let the truth find it's way out.... hugs across the miles...
Jam has not died. She has someone who has a personal vendetta going after her. Jam is a smart lady, she will figure it out and all will be well. In the meantime, we need to continue to give each other the support and safe place to vent so we don't feel left alone at the altar. Jam can comment to us with no fear and I'm sure she would do so. We don't need or want to abandon her, so we will continue to keep her a part of our lives by telling her about ours. That being said:
Mom scared the crap out of me by sleeping ALL NIGHT LONG !!! I woke up at 6:30, scared to death to open her door. And she is sleeping cock-eyed in the bed like usual, chest going up and down in perfect rhythm. Don't know that she has EVER done that before. See, even when I CAN sleep, I can't sleep.....
Kathy is here already this morning, cleaning out the laundry room. I have a ton of ironing, yes, I know, I do still iron in this day and age. But I had a hard time remembering how to spell it !! lol Then soon it will be just regular maintenance like normal. I can already tell a difference in the amount of dust ther isn't !!!
Emjo, How are ya, hun? Just say you are still there with us and not in a black hole.
Starri.. Where for art thou?
Everyone have as good a weekend as you can.......will check in later............
Love ♥♥♥ Joan
Sorry to hear you won't be posting for a while, Jam, as your sense of humor will be missed. Just take care of business for now and we will see you here later.
Some people are so vindictive. I wonder how that person will feel with jam....er, egg all over her face......HAHAHAHA.........We know you take good care of things, so have no fear.........we will be right here for you. Love you, girl.
Shawna, been there, done that with the poopy thing. I was sprayed once when mom was doing a clean out for a barium enema. Lordy, lordy...........
Stormy, the only thing I will say about the swollen lymph nodes is this. It could be an infection (niece had cat scratch fever) to cancer (dad had non Hodgkins lymphoma) but to be on the safe side, just make sure no one has a contagious condition around him. Sinus Infection, cold, flu. chest congestion, as his immune system MAY be compromised.
Emjo, your story was so sad. I have been thinking about you all day. To suffer the loss of a child must be the worse pain there is. I could not have children, and if by some miracle I had conceived, I probably would not have carried to term. I have always said I was so lucky to never have been pregnant than to have been and lost it.
Ladee, I was so excited to see you were getting a tropical storm and now it sounds like you won't get any of the rain?? Tell me it isn't so!! And I don't think you could sound like Aunt Pity Pat........you'd kill yourself first.......or I'd do it for you !!! Is the help boring you with the details?? Are the guys doing the "fix up the engine" things??? Hubby has already bought new rotors, brakes, hoses, idler arms, ball joints, universal joints, thermostat, front end alignment, bearings........I only know this because I used to work in a couple of automotive stores, but when Hubby talks about it now, my eyes glaze over. After the carb gets fixed, he is done. That's what I told him, so it better run by then............
JAM.....LOVED the lazer light story.....where is it now????........do you keep it handy?.............think she's forgotten about it now?..........time to do it again?........ Can I watch??
darro....we know where you are coming from....we'll let you know if you come up with something we haven't heard or done, or had done to us, or by us or thought of or felt. Nothing surprisses us, but if you share, we might get a laugh out of it, or cry with you. Please come back...
Crazy Lady.....you got THAT right!! WHEW !! How do you do all that? Way too much.......lordy, lordy....
Kathy and I finished the kitchen after she let me take a nap. Even she said I looked pretty bad. Mom woke up one time last night and told me she won $47,000. I don't know if she was playing bingo or the lottery, but I was pissed I wasn't with her.......coulda slept a little........really, it was so bad I got in her bed while she was on the commode and fell asleep and she got herself to her chair....she finally woke me up when she was freezing......I felt soooo bad. When she got up for the day, the little witch said her bowels had to move, so I go in there and wheel her to the bathroom and she says no, it just went away, take me to the kitchen........damn....
So Kathy will come over tomorrow and finish the laundry roomand 3rd bathroom. Then Master bedroom and house is done. I have already noticed there is much less dust flying around. And just before mom went to bed, she spilled a glass of koolaid on the floor, down her leg. Kathy was just glad it hadn't hit the walls. lol
Hubby and I have been fighting over the computer as he is doing "research" on his truck, which means he is looking up more parts and things to buy for the truck, but not without my approval, I hope.
Please disregard all spelling mistakes as the dryer is calling me and I must get it done tonight. I hope everyone has a peaceful evening and a wonderful weekend, with rain where you need it, and coolefr temps where it is hot. We had 103 here today and 101 tomorrow, but low humidity, which means you can still breathe, but the hot air singes all your nose hair.............later
Love to all,
Jam
Isn't life just wonderful! I'm being facetious. I ask the Lord often what his purpose is on keeping dad here. He doesn't know where he is, he doesn't know why he's here, he doesn't know me anymore, and everyone he remembers (his parents and siblings) are gone and he is in pain. What a hellish existence.
Well, I'm waiting on hubby to come home with the 2 yr. old gs. Will be watching him this evening. Have to pickup my teenager shortly. Have to go. P & P
Maya sometimes you have to remind the billing personnel there are other sources of payment. That happened to the col several months ago....she was getting denials and I found out that the doctor's office, who uses outside billing, had neglected to send her BC info. I need to call BC and find out for sure what coverage she has. I looked on-line for Federal retirees and all it said was there could be 25 2-hour visits per year covered. Well whoopee, not worth the effort. That's why we hired the 2 care givers to come in.
Heather is gone for the weekend and I can already feel my stress level rising.