This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
by this crap you mean the CFS/ fibro - i had it diagnosed about 1993 and realized I had had it before but that year was the worst -i was off work for 2 years - and at time the pain was pretty bad - thankfully not that bad now but still hits me with fatigue and some pain
seeme and starri - i may join you in the spa - justifiable homicide - haven't decided who to start with yet - heck the guy who killed my son got off with a warning...
Take care you! Try not to let mom upset you so. Wait to respond...you are supposed to be on vaca! Try to stay out of touch and take care of you!
yer i know about rest and that is huge in helping
well let me tell you - the way she is has nothing to do with her age -she has been like this all my life and it has nothing to do with resentment - but about self preservation - she knows that I am grieving Gordie right now - in the middle of the worse time of the year and most vulnerable to hurt - and that is when she will come in with all the ammunition she can gather - just to get her own way - and if she did get her own way, the satisfaction from that would not last 24 hrs and she would be on another high horse looking for more - Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious mental illness and that is the root of the problem -
boy - sometimes it lands on you doesn't it - so be it - don't know if i am even going to respond - not for now anyway - think I need a good cry right about now -need to let off some steam somehow - catch a bus or 3 and go home - throw something though the window - good thing sig other is away for a few hours or he would prob get it - i am at the end of my tether and the next one who yanks it gets it...
this has happened in the past and i have written ny side of the story and gotten apologies from the person she has used but i don't have the energy right now to do that - if that man chooses to think less of me so be it - it is the same kind of cr*p my sister sends at me yet will not lift a finger to help mother herself
Wish I could post all my feelings for you'll. I know we are all in the same boat more or less..so the best I can do is keep you all in my prayers. Know that my days and nights arent as hard or just different than some of yours but we all are doing the best we can. Thanks to Jam for starting and all of us finding this place to vent! If nothing else, know that we all care and whatever tidbits we offer are cause we all care.
stormy ((((hugs)))) just have to go through this one step at a time though I know that speculating is inevitable - keep taking care of you and your hubby and LR and get as much help as you need and can afford from outsiders
ASG - so good to hear from you - I grew up with a batty lady and know what it was like - letting go of your batty lady's concerns are good - your kids need a sane mum - it was my mum that was batty - if your kids have your support they will do good - the batty lady will be batty regardless - you didn't cause it and you can't fix it (my new mantra) - but you do have to protect yourself and your kids
vic - thank for prayers - need them - have you tried l acetyl carnitine for the fibro - I was taking 500 mgm then went up to 2000 a day and it got me back on my feet and able to do that hike and enjoy it - also take a strong Co Q 10.
YR - ((((hugs)))) and prayers for strength
jam - u do so well - even looking after the pooch!
ladee - complimenting Marie was brilliant - hopes it keeps working and you stay cool - paying that BS (was that intentional????) gets moved
john - I'm with starri - if the bull act is done with evidence u may get some results - something needs to happen there - i understand u being very angry
starri - glad jerr's problem was not so bad and totally understand your exasperation with your bro - gratitude seems to have flown out the window here too -you will be getting an email from me - they don't allow links here it seems
I have probably forgotten someone - not intentional - thinking of all of you and wishing you some of the cool weather I am having here - between about 60 and 70
hopng to get some more good pics to post on face book for anyone - I am joan benoit - the lady with white hair and glasses, in alberta - top hit last time I looked and with antlers in the soup pot in some photos
love and hugs to all ♥♥♥ Joan
Welcome to dar................yes, we all have the same feelings you are going through right now. This job we are doing is the pits...........plain and simple. It's hard on us mentally and physically and if anyone tells you it's a breeze and it's a privilege....they're not being truthful to themselves or anyone else. Or their charge doesn't have any mental or physical deficits. There is no running through fields of daisies around here........I'm not sure how to interpret your statement "my family would be better if I were gone".......no they wouldn't. They all need you, but right now you are feeling very overwhelmed by the burden of being the care giver. We all are right there beside you. It sounds like you are in the middle of the old "should I place mom or not" argument. On the one hand you know it's the right and most loving thing to do, on the other you feel guilt because you should be able to do this and after all she is your mother.......I started this thread because YOU come first, without YOU there is no care giving, and the care giving doesn't always have to be in your home. Sometimes placing your charge becomes necessary for the well-being of everyone concerned. When you start to feel a possible physical threat to yourself or other family members, it's time to start thinking of other alternatives.
Are we a Sweet 16 or turning 17? How exciting! I wish I could remember when I was that age....been a year or two...lol. Tell your daughter Happy Birthday from the crazy YOU bunch, that is going to cheer up Mom.
Time to get Target's butt in gear for Wal-Mart. Will be back later with the laser story.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
my mum has BPD (borderline personanlity disorder with a healthy whack of narcissism added to it and has been a major problem all my life - many years agio I determined she would never move in with me - she came to visit me a few times and wouldn't leave till I forced this issue -she is 99 and going strong (just coming thro a second hip op) though her memory is failing somewhat but still manipulating away like crazy.
have I been suicidal - yes when I was younger and she was particularly abusive - though i was never interested in doing it but sure had the thoughts
my youngest son was assaulted and died 9 tears ago - it changes you - I figure life has handed me enough bad ones and I don't need to accept any more
my mother is in assisted living and still pretty capable of looking after herself
with a bit of help but none of it is enough nor does anyone do it right so the complaints are continuous - my answer is "tough" I moved her twice within a year as she didn' get along in one place and told her if she couldn't get along where she is the next move was a nursing home -I will not spend my hard earned retirement money on supportiing her in her expensive lifestyle -my health has suffered the past two years from all of this - and I have drawn back and cut contact for now with the support of my counselor (BTW he is christian and a pastior as well as a qualified counselor). I may give up POA as mother uses it to manipulate and hurt - I am in contact with those who are helping her -
I do want to emphasize that while your parent(s) may need help you do NOT have to be the one who does it - others on aging care can tell you about options suitable to your financial situations - in mother's case (in Canada) if she uses up all her money on the place she is now - there are government subsidized places she would be eligible for - nursing homes. Would i have to keep a sharper eye on her - yes - and I can do that at a distance.
your teens need their mother - teen age is not an easy time for many - and most importantly YOU need YOURSELF! so get yourself higher on your priority lest
you can't make someone else happy or healthy but you can stop yourself from getting dragged down in the black hole
do something good for yourself today and keep doing those things that build you up = love others LIKE you love yourself
hugs and prayers - ♥♥♥ Joan
As for dad it is all neurological..
Emjo...take care you are in my prayers!
Gordie's (for the new ones - my youngest son) d day is Saturday and 9 years ago today we were in the hospital and he was liying there - age 23 havng been assaulted, had head trauma and basically unresponsive - we were told he had a 5% chance of recovery. It all happened so suddenly - ladee - know all about PTSD and I am sorry yours is kicking in - be sure I understand totally - I am afraid this post is all about me today - I am about ready to kick sig other G out -after leaving for what is my holiday to help me through this time - the first day was spent at G's friends farm while G fixed the brakes on the old truck he uses with the horses - he was touchy that morning cause he had to deal with his ex - OK I am supportive - then all day on the brakes - OK I am supportive - sit in the truck and press the brake pedal a million times as required - drive around the friggin countryside looking for a cheap part, finally found a new part for $7:50 and probably wasted that much gas driving around, the next morning had to water the horses at one place - found out they had enough water so all that was wasted effort, had to water some others - they did need it, drove the car till the red gas light came on despite me saying we need gas - and this is my car by the way - better for travelling in than his, and then it started - all you do do eat and sleep - you could do that at home, "right" , then another one and I said -Look you may not be my ideal travelling companion either but I think i can put up with you - you knew my limitations before we left - I have never pretended otherwise - and who in God's green acres can keep up with you anyway except your kids! If we want to go together we have to compromise. (This man (aged 60) and his bros all work 14 hr days get up at 6 and do it again and pull all nighters once in a while) then - we stopped for gas and the prices had gone up 1 cent just before we stopped - that was my fault because i wanted to stop at a store before we got to the gas station- OK now I am knowing he has a problem and it is leaking out in my direction - anyway the rest of the trip was fine - we stopped at the hoo doos and took some great pictures and hiked the trail - nearly 2 hours - over a not very well groomed trail - I slid a few times (on some meds that affect my balance) and pulled my thigh muscle - he calls that a nice little walk - I think I am 73 yo, have CFS/fibro and I think I did d*mn well. Got into town and picked up a nail in a tire- to give him credit he got a tire kit and fixed it - then off to the hotel and soak in the hot tub. that was good then this morning -how is your leg - I said not good enough to hike on again and anyway I need to rest -(the fibro) so you go do your (prearranged) day of hiking and hunting for 10 hrs till your toe nails turn black (happened last year) - take the car - I will be fine here - and then Him - "You and I holiday differently. - Me Yeah -what's new and WHAT'S your problem You knew that before we left and I have been hearing about it now the past day or so.Him - Oh I realised that the 2 hr walk was about your limit. Me yeah -so what? this is not new. so what's your problem. Him - I don't know - Me - we are not the same (duh) there are lots of ladies 20 yrs younger than me would wouldn't/couldn't do it either - if we want to be together we need to compromise - then please figure out what your problem is while you are on your hike? and please consider resting a bit tomorrow as your bum knee (he wears a brace sometimes and sometimes needs heavy painkillers) will be bad after hiking and you need that leg to drive 8 hrs the next day.. I have told him before that if he needed someone to keep up with him he better go find someone else - I want an end to this one way or another!
I don't need this especially right now and for 2 cents I would catch a bus or three home - the hotel room is paid for - on my credit card - he looks after food and gas /regular car maintenance - he can come back to an empty hotel room and see if he likes his own company better. I am so pissed off!!! he is not usually like this or I wouldn't be with him -starri - I heard you when you said you were the best thing that happened to Glenn - well I am the best thing that ha[ppen to G too - his ex is the most controlling woman I have ever heard about who, after 10 years divorced still obstructs whatever he tries to do and still works hard to keep him away from or in the bad books of his kids ( aged 20 to 30) who he adores - throws tantrums and the kids are afraid to upset mum! - then he had a gambling g'friend who took him for some $$$, then one who cheated on him and took him for some $$$ - and then me - I treat him with respect, and am suppotive to him, he gets a very good $$$ deal with me in terms of living arrangements (and that may be changing!) I am faithful as the day is long, I don't mind that he spends most of his free time with his horses, I have been and am open that I cannot keep up with him and am not even going to try - WTF's going on!!!
anyway thanks for the opportunity to vent - these are hard days for me -flashbacks to my Gordie in hospital - and all the feelings that come up - the mountains are lovely and the wildflowers on the hike yesterday were amazing. Unfortunately I brought along a small memory card for the camera so couldn't get all the shots i wanted but will pick up another one.
Wouldn't be surprised if he is upset because this is a more expensive hotel that he would take though certainly not outrageous but I booked later than I would have cause he said - Oh we don't have to book there will be lots of room - NOT! and I insisted on a swimming pool - I haven't been out of town in over a year! - heck - we brought lots of groceries so the food will not cost much but he nickels and dimes himself into the ground other than spending whatever he wants to looking after the horses (over 200 of them now and not selling but a few and keeps breeding them) I have suggested a few times that we sit down and figure out what the horses cost him and he says yes but obviously doesn't want to. So don't get down on me about a few days in a hotel with a swimming pool!!! BTW I am self supporting - worked hard and long for my pension despite fibro etc - just retired last year - so really all he has are his own expenses! Aaaaargh!!!!
thanks for reading - getting my head sorted now - but really need to put my energy into dealing feelings about losing my babes (Gordie) and need to do that the next few days - yet know I have to lay some things out to sig other so we can put whatever is bothering him to bed - or ... these days doesn't take much for me to hit the limit
take care all of you out there - say a few prayers for me - need them right now - love ♥♥♥ Joan
starri......I'm knocking on wood here......but so far so good for me....:) you can picture the col doing what? I'm lost on that one. Later I will tell you all the story of the col and the laser light.....that might perk a few of you up. I still roll on the floor when I think about it. Well, h$ll froze over last night.....Target says he is going with me to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things.......we shall see. Going to be hot again today in the Midwest.....my poor garden is barely hanging in there, but by golly the grass around the boxes is nice and green and growing. I hope y'all have an improvement in your day and I will check back later.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
is your dads not being able to relax be related to pain? Hubby has a back that is going south, and tends to walk stooped over, stooping over just makes it worse..but hard not to do when you are feeling like "H***" When mine decides to do that as well, I have a hard time..
If you can't get your current helpers, to do something, any chance of having someone else you can turn to for assistance?
Much love and great big hugs
Change is so hard especially when you are in a stalemate situation. God bless you! I know life for you will come together soon. Hang in there girl!
Anyway she just runs around behind me..thank God she has her mind and can pretty much take care of herself. So friggin independent that she doesn't want help and figures she can still do whatever she wants. She is 91 ..falls on occasion is on wafarin regime ack! Crazy me for wanting to help her. I laid down what she can and cannot do and try reaaaaallll hard to stay out of her way. Wish I had a little more personal space than I do...oh well.
Took dad tue to get CBC done. Need to call today and see how it is. I imagine that he is right on the normal line. His mind has seemed a little clearer lately since taking him off aspirin. Wish they would go on and do transfusion just to see how he does. Figure that it won't make too much difference physically but you never know. Oh well...trying to get him to drink water at meals is like well...it is worse than trying to plead with a child!
Hope everyone has the best day possible and that your charges behave! Haha...
ASG... I am with you there!