This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
54 - we have fanatsized about a beach party of something and everyone telling their stories - I can't believe those boys of yours - get one of those long plastic foam of thingys and beat them till they leave - Gary uses them on the horses - and sex - well u can live without it but with it is definitely better - life does change doesn't it? it took me over till i was 70 years old to find a good man - if that can happen there is hope for anyone for anything - ♥ J
Oh well I really am gone this time in mind and body. Later Ladies, too bad we dont live closer I would say lets all go to the beach and leave the whole darn family at home!!! night
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) you have a lot on your plate! ♥♥♥ Joan
54 - glad u have a good caregiver and dil's ... but your sons - like jam said - let them fight it out - but leave u and hubby alone. I know what u mean about not knowing what you even want to do - I retired a year ago and a lot of space stared me n the face - you will sort it out eventually. u have a story - we LOVE stories - please tell us ur story - we have time and we love to listen
jam I can still see you on the can counting fish or is my imagination too wild???
♥ J
Love and Hugz,
Jam
I have the best caregiver that comes in for 4 hours her name is Ebony and she is just like one of the family. No I cant say that about her. She is not crazy and disfunctional like the family. we have a house on the beach at Oak Island NC. Right on the beach, 3 bedrooms 2 baths. very nice. I havent been since july of last year. well i told the kids (two sons) and their wives and kids (3 grandkids) to go for a week. FREE .They are fussing about what week and who will go and who will not and why they cant go because this one doesnt like this about this one and on and on.
I told them to make good of it this will be the last time they will go unless they pay.!!!
Oak Island Accomodations handles it for us. we are about 41/2 to 5 hours away.
I am so fed up with my spoiled rotten kids. Have no problems with the daughter n laws they are wonderful could not ask for better and so are the grandkids but those two boys i could just ring their necks. they do not like each other at all. I finally got mad and said Please cant you all get along just long enough for your dad to die in peace???? I know that was bad but a person can only take so much.
well i have rambled enough but have lots more to say if anyone has time to listen I will tell the REST OF THE STORY!!!!
it can't all go his way.
I know all about that - have a narcissistic Border Line Personality mother of 99 who is a drama queen and thinks she is the center of the universe, and has an indecent amount of energy -
That you have moved in with grandpa unfortunately could give him the upper hand - it is his house (I checked ur profile ;)) - HOWEVER - If he wants you there to help him, you have to have some conditions met.
I would sit down with hubby and figure out what you need to do - such as - 1) move back to your house and invite grandpa to move in with you (give this a great deal of thought as it does not work well for everyone as you can read here) or 2) move back to your home and consider arranging for some kind of some assistance for grampa - like home care 3) look around for assisted living facilities for grampa and have THE talk and once he is settled in one move back to your own home 4) stay there but outline the conditions under which you will stay
or variations on the above
It sounds to me that you are really pining for your home and old life - totally understandable, Building a new life under the conditions you have now is not inviting to say the least. Where does hubby stand on all; this. Is he happy there?
Please make some changes to help you - you deserve a life too.
Living with migraines in that heat must be h*ll. You iron??? ah well the basement is cool.
jam - letter to the editor - great!! let 'em have it!! - do u get a butt ring sitting on the can and watching the fish? I think i would - i am getting this image... love the catfish
Yr - didn't mind the crawling as much as the crawling with a full bladder - y'a know - u wake up with the urge, don't want to get up in the cold, then have to hegotiate the tent flap and the rubber boots and the slope the tent is on - i am sure i looked like a drunken sailor lurching around in the dark some times - heck next time I may bring a pot and use it in the tent lol - Gary can put up with it - coffee and cookies - the caffeine doesn't keep him awake??? - yeah easy solution - let us know how the diet is going
ladee - sorry marie is so terrible and sonny was down - and you are so tired - does she like music? glad that the banana boat will be anchored soon - Gary is such a reasonable guy over most things - digs his toes in over a few but don't we all. If I say I need to talk, his answer is a quick "I'm listening" - gotta love him for that - hey it took me a long time and marrying the same mistake twice to find him
seeme - BORE US WITH DETAILS!!! - woman - we NEED details!!! she won't have it??? oh dear - not that I am not sympathetic to her concerns about pain etc but - how r u feeling about it now???
more attempted manipulations from mother after a couple of quiet days - as she is not quite as bright (though still very sharp-) than she was before, the manipulation is a little more obvious and it makes me sad. I realise now that many times when i have responded to what I thought was a "real" need was, in fact, a control thing. Not that there haven't been real needs at times but always so cloaked in the need to have it all her way, control others and have servants. - the BPD and narcissism. I know she didn't ask for that burden, nor did I ask for a mother with it. Keeping my distance - going to have a holiday - maintaining my sanity and my life. On a happy note my 8 yr old dgd (dear granddaughter) connected with me on messenger this afternoon and we will go out for lunch again sometime. Maybe after we will go shopping for trinkets, make up etc. Girls day out!!! She is lovely and we share a like for dressing up! She already compliments me on my nail polish, earrings or skirt.etc
ya know ladee - hugging a donkey might just be very therapeutic - will they let u? - at least they don't spit like llamas ;)
love and hugs to all ♥♥♥ Joan
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Cara.....is there anyway someone else, a family member or friend, or a hired care giver could come in and give you a break? Have you given some thought to moving G-Pa to an assisted living facility? That might be better than finding him melted into a little puddle in the chair. And that might help your migraines...assistance that is, not a G-Pa puddle. I sympathize with you.....I have migraines also. You just feel free to come here and ramble all you want anytime. How's the bunny?
Love and Hugz,
Jam
It is 100 in this house and the only A/C in here is in my room. G-Pa doesn't turn on the A/C in the TV room where he sits all day and all night, because his sinuses might run. (get a tissue would be my response) He does NOT believe people can die in this weather. He keeps telling me he is fine, he's comfortable. Well I who am afflicted with Chiari I am not fine. I can't handle humid hot weather, I can't breathe, my face is constantly flushed, and I rarely sweat. (am I rambling yet?)
I am a reluctand caregiver, and most days I am not glad to be here. I want my house back, I want my life and independence back. And right now I just want to have a pity party. This is the 5th day in a row with a migraine and occular migraines. I need a nap and it's only 8:00, maybe i need to go to bed real early.
Well, I have to go iron in the basement now, and check to be sure my bunny is still alive. Sorry to have been such a drag. :-P but you asked.
Cara
My son and I went to look at the banana boat to see what all would be needed to get it on the road and to the trailer park.... Doesn't look like it is going to cost a fortune, so maybe I will be settled in the nest few weeks... but GOD it is hot.. took him to ER a few weeks ago for seizures because he was dehydrated, so didn't want to stay out there long.... And from what I understand it is hot everywhere but at emjo's....
Emjo, glad you are going to get a real get away, some shopping and a nice bed to sleep in.. Your hubby is a sweetie for listening to you...
Stormy, hope you and the baby are feeling better today, and very glad to hear ya'll have someone coming in now for your dad so you don't have to make yourself crazy anymore....
YR, glad your dad is not sundowning as bad... just never know what is going to happen when they are like that.... and you are right,, thank God for AC's...
I know I am forgetting someone,,, but am so tired from work and the heat, I just can't think this evening...
Jam, good thing the col was in a friendly mood last night.... it could have gotten weird...
Seeme, hope I can stay up to hear how your mom is and what they plan on doing... there just has to be something,, she just can not go on like this,, or you either....
I will try to check back in later, but no promises.... Hope it doesn't take a hurricane to get all of us a break, I still have lots of friends down home and do not want any harm to come to them just so we can get rain.....
hugs across the miles...later, maybe...
Your fish aquarium sounds wonderful, I love to watch the fish swim but I don't like to clean them so that's a no go for me.
Stormy I hope you and red are feelin better today.
Emjo, I'm glad your getting a room. Crawling in and out of tents is no fun.
Seeme, Ladeeda,Ross and everyone else, I hope your all doing good today.
It is stinking hot here to. Thank God for ac's.
Well, dad is quiet for now, I just keep handing him coffee and cookies and that keeps him happy. Last night was better.
Wanted to give you an update.....it's so darn cold in this house now I need a sweater...:) It finally shut off about 3 am. At least we didn't have to replace the whole unit. And today is supposed to be hotter than previously.....my poor garden!
I wrote a letter to the editor this morning about our experience with VNA. He sent it to his editor and accidentally sent that response to me......says "this sounds like a story". Supposed to call me tomorrow or Friday, gotta keep my cell glued to my butt so I don't miss him. Maybe there will be a story on this and I can give him some input about home care givers and maybe get a series of stories out of this! Will keep everyone updated.
emjo.....glad you won out on the hotel room.....our weather right now is hot and hot. The thermometer on the deck says 106....40% chance of rain on Sunday with temps in the 90's......so no break here. I envy you having 70. I mentioned going to Sanibel Island, Florida to Target yesterday....does anyone know anything about it? The pics are beautiful, but we could get there and it's really a dump.
stormy.....I sure hope you and little red are feeling better. Both of my daughters were born with red hair, the oldest turned darker, but the other one still has red hair and blue eyes. My son took after me.....brown and brown.
Waiting impatiently for seeme to get back with an update......oh please let this be a positive outcome........and yes, I didn't let the social worker see the arrows....:)
ladee.......I didn't get a chance to ask you how Sonny and Marie were yesterday. Is today a transfusion day? I wish we were closer, I would help you get your new home ready to move into. I enjoy doing that in others homes...I look at mine and think ehhhhh it will still be here tomorrow.
I need to go feed my fish babies.....we have a 125 ga aquarium in my bathroom....started with 3 Oscars and put a minnow trap in the pond to get treats for them....accidentally caught a blue gill and would you believe the Oscars left it alone and it grew and lived for about 2 yrs. We named it Pond...:) Two out of the three Oscars have died, Pond died, and I went and bought some goldfish and the last Oscar allowed 3 of them to live. We think one of them has some Koi in it.....it had a huge black spot on it's face and then one day the spot was just gone. Now I noticed a new tiny spot.....Target says they change color all the time. There are also 2 plecostomus.....very fun and relaxing to watch. So now that I'm babbling again, I will try and get something done. It's nice and cool.....
Everyone have a wonderful, relaxing day!
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Caregivers need to receive just as much support as they give. So even if I'm only asked "How are YOU doing today", it means a lot to me. It's a gesture. It shows the person acknowledges what I'm doing and sees how tough it can be. And that's at least something.
jam - i am appallled at the VNA - what a nerve!!! but u showed 'em but glad u got ur ac fixed -
YR - sorry u r having such problems with sundowning. good luck with that diet - low carb is all that works for me - ur mood may be better on the diet
stormy - hope you and litttle red are doing OK - my daughter used to get such high fevers - I put her in a tepid bath then in bed I covered her with a cotton sheet and after she fell asleep I "misted" her with water - the evaporation cooled her off - I sure hope it is not the same bug I have - still coughing some - just won't go away
well, I got taken out for supper last night - baba ganoush - yum! and we are staying in a hotel when we go away next week - Gary is a nice man! he got it that I cook and wash up all the time and need a change sometimes (just have to keep reminding him) - and I do tons of computer work for him and and deserve a reward!
everyone - stay cool - I saw on the news there is a heat wave where lots of u r (I think) - here it is a cool 59 this am going up to 70 and a sprinkle of rain - love walking in this kind of weather - everything is looking so green!!!
playing my sad songs and missing my Gordie - found some old Mother's day and B'day cards from him - counting down to d day - looks like we will be away which is good - balancing things with Gary's job interviews
mother is raising cain again/still which means she is well - for now I am not a target and I need that break - especially this time of year. I am thinking of POA - does anyone know if you can delegate some of the work of that - thinking that may be a solution to keep me at arm's length
stay cool everyone - love and hugs -♥♥♥ Joan
Gotta go write a check for AC and put the col to bed. Check back later.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Thanks seeme, think I can afford to get excited yet??? I know you are so happy that your house is going to be so shiny clean... nothing quite like a super clean house...
What happens if your mom can't or won't consent to surgery...that won't stop it will it if they decide to do the surgery...will it....????
Jam, hope you get the ac fixed, I'd have to get a room , can't deal with this heat without ac.... do you have any old "contacts" that may help you find out who sent someone out for a welfare check.......
YR, sorry dad is sundowning so bad, that can be so exhausting, and stressful. Ruth was having a violent sundowning episode when she broke my leg... so hope he is just confused and not physical...hope you get some rest when you put him to bed....
Ladeeda, I'm happy for you, there's no place like home.
Stormy, I don't know how old red is but when my daughter was around 3 she got pneumonia {so did the rest of us}. She didn't want to take the meds either. So we told her that if she took her meds we would take her to the toy store and she could pick out the Barbie that she wanted. That worked! And she got her Barbie.
Emjo, I have not taken the anti's yet, I guess I'm waiting for Christmas or sumpin.
Ross, I would love to go swimming, but it doesn't look like it's gonna happen.
Besides, you wouldn't catch me dead or alive in a "babein" suit. Which reminds me I started a new diet today. The Dukan diet. I hope I can stick with it. I've gotta lose some weight, dr's orders.
Well, take care all you crazy peps!
ladee.....I am so happy for you.....there is a bright light at the end of this moving tunnel. So I guess this means I'd better not take the lake house off the market, huh? Darn.
As for me I AM PISSED OFF! The col was discharged from the hospital on 6/17 and about 2 weeks later, we got a phone call from the local visiting nurses association. Of course we turned down their help, along with their expenses, explaining that a doctor, paramedic and care givers were perfectly capable of taking care of the col. Tonight I took the col her supper and as I'm coming in the back door Target says there's county deputy at the door. Gee I don't think either one of us has done anything. So I open the door, and this woman says there's been a complaint that the woman living here has dementia and we're doing a check. Oh, really and who would know that except the VNA? So I said sure, you can visit with her, even though you are interrupting her dinner, and for the record this really pisses me off, but sure, you walk right over to that door and I will let you in. They came into a clean house, a clean col who was sitting at the table eating. Happy, answered their questions......we may do a follow-up later. Well, you just do that......you will find the same thing then as now. So the VNA got their noses out of joint because we refused their services.....well they can bite me. And the compressor on the AC unit won't come on.....it's only 84 degrees in the house and 100 outside. The heating and cooling guys will be here as soon as they finish another job. I couldn't resist telling Target we should have gone with the furnace/ac package last fall when we had the new furnace put in. I wonder if I walked out into the pond the col would think I was trying to drown myself. I can see her now.....trying to climb the fence to save me.
Going to try and eat before the AC guys get here.
Hope y'all have a terrific evening.........
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam