This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
ladee -fun is always between the ears - don't you really wonder what would have happened if you had started laughing at the sheriff - i hear u about ruth and only since May is not a long time - just coming out of the numb phase
seeme -awesome image lol
vic big hugs and hope you feel better soon
jam - look after your back - in more ways than one the col might sneak up on you
asg good to see u back and me too wating to hear about your new arrangement
stormy hope your baby is better and you got good info about some helpers
YR - hope u r OK
Linda - you are good - done well by her - noi need for guilt
starri - have u got the place locked up yet?
sweetcakes - we have all been in the pits - and it's no fun - and life looks hopeless; but it isn't and things will look up - and i know when u r in them that doesn't help much - know we care and have climbed out of the pits ourselves more than once - iI got rope burns to prove it
John hope you diet is going well
ros - Come sta?
anyone else hope u r good
love and hugs to everyone ♥♥♥ Joan
seeme....made that call yet....would ya huh? huh? My back is killing me....hasn't hurt this bad since the day I injured it and had to quit work. And of course, for those of you who have migraines, you know that feeling when the knife that has been stabbing your temple for hours starts to pull itself out? Almost better than an or***m.............ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Heather had better have a kid sitter Wednesday. Of course I did learn today that it is not wise to allow the col to miss one single dose of her meds, even though she told us she took them, walking from the shelf they are on to her table she forgot all about them. That's why she was flying laps around her living room on her broom today. I couldn't catch her long enough to grab a pillow................
Gotta go watch "The Closer"....will check back in later.
Love and Hugz to all of you,
Jam
Vic, sorry to hear you are still so wiped out, caregiving will do that to us, no matter how many days we're gone, no matter how much sleep we get, we just hit a wall at some point and don't know when it happened, all we know is we are TIRED...so hope you feel better soon...
Linda, you will do great with this news to your mom... of course you are anxious, that just means you really care about the outcome...you don't want her to be too upset, yet after 10 years, it is way past time to reclaim your life... prayers sent your way for this endevour, and let us know how things went.... glad to see you here...
ASG, so good to hear from you!!! happy to hear you are trying something new with the family situation, let us hear the details... and congrats to the hubby for starting on his own,, prayers sent ya'lls way for success....
Jam, thought of this while reading your post, this is so dumb that I am looking for a place to live and you need a caregiver you can count on,,,, but nooooooooo, Ladee will not move from Texas.... is this false pride or what..... I think I would just let her set in the car and think she is driving, now make sure all the windows are not up, that is not safe, hehehehe, do you think they will let us "room" together at Seeme's Spa????
Seeme, I love what you said about reaching your limit, and anything after that blows the rest of it away.... that is such a great way to look at it... gonna remember that one..
Emjo, sorry you are still not feeling well. And we hope you laughing yesterday did not blow something loose!!!! I would loose my mind if it were not for the people on this thread..... laugh to keep from crying I guess....
Well, I do know this, If it were not for Sonny, I would have already found another job..Marie sets in her chair, delegates all day long, things that I already know to do, never sees the humor in anything, rants at Sonny for going to the bathroom, for putting napkins in his pocket, and REAL important stuff like that all day... geeez lady let up for a little while.... And yes some of it is because she doesn't feel good, but so much of it is because she is bored, will not get up and do anything while she is very capable of doing certain things.... and I have noticed when I come in on Mondays Sonny is very disoriented, easily confused, Guess I would be too if I had someone harping on me all weekend... She finds the stupidest things to complain about in regard to my work... today I just finally shot her a look that said, " do I look like a care" and she mellowed out a little... God, please let my friends know they can slap me if I get like that....just tell me to stop being so selfish and demanding, Lord it just makes the job so much harder... and yes, antlers did come to mind today...many times, but ya'll know me, I do laugh out loud at the most inopportune times...because I just see the world as this great big circus that we have all been invited to..... Like the other day when the sheriff came here looking for someone. You have to have the combination for the key pad to get in, so he goes under the fence. I called Mike and told him the SHURRIF was here.. well as the dude is walking the half acre to get to the house I waved my arm to let him know I was there, I was behind some lattice work at the back porch.. In a heartbeat he had his hand on his gun and was shining his flashlight in my direction.. keep in mind it is broad daylight.. and of course all I could think of was DON'T START LAUGHING, DON'T I TELL YA, JUST DON'T DO IT, he was a blustery and asking all sorts of questions, none of which I had the answer to, because I was concentrating on not laughing... Authority does not intimidate me, and this little Barney Fife was only making me go into hysterics in my head.... You can dress me up, you just can't make me behave... life is too short, laugh every chance you get... hugs across the miles to everyone..
Linda22.........don't allow yourself to feel guilty because the time has come to place Mom. Yes, I know, easier said than done. Try to look at it from the point that you are doing this to show her how much you love her and only want the best of care for her. There comes a time when you cannot give anymore of yourself without falling into that hole from whence there is no return. And then how much is your care worth? I have always said that the care giver's life should not be in the trash can, just to keep your loved one at home. Now, you will be happy, will be able to have a life with your husband and still be able to see Mom, all the while knowing she is getting the best care possible. I have to be honest and say I envy the freedom you will have......I don't wish anything bad on the col, but boy do I get tired of the sarcastic remarks, the stink of wet and poopy diapers, trying to keep her from harming herself.
I hope everyone else has had a good day.....emjo I'm sorry you still are not feeling well.
seeme.......I think you can probably make that phone call now.......I've got a killer headache and I would get free health care in your "spa".....:)
ladee.......hope the heat hasn't gotten you.
Will check back later...................
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Let us know how you are doing..
on a good note the cottage is torn down per village instructions and 2 weeks ahead of deadline and the price is excellent - we plan on building and eventually living there so YEAH I will be 5 hrs closer to Texas! - and Italy.
sweetcakes starri ( ithink) said it - You do NOT have to sacrifce yourself and your life and hopes and dreams - this is a choice and being a woman you can change your mind - but let me tell you something I learned in life - if you stay there and try to get people to help they won't - you have to leave and create a vacumn and then someone will step in - like starri said if you were hit by a bus tomorrow someone would organize something for grama and grampa. It does NOT have to be you.
sweet heart you are entitled to all that life has to offer you
glad you had a good time with ur mum and sis - BLUE HAIR - love it - maybe I should try that - tired of white on white - thinking of low lights
everyone else - looks like that black hole has spread its ugly self all over north america today - yuck - will answer more after my next nap - think I know what's causing mine - freaki' ex - had enough of the lies - time for surgery I think - or antler theraoy lol - Ohhh that feels good!!!
luv and hugs to all ♥ Joan
Starri.....you are just a gem here. And I thank you so much for mentioning the melatonin, if I haven't told you before. Especially when the ER doctor and mom's personal doc both said it was fine and a good idea. And it does work......when I remember to give it to her. I forgot again last night, but Kathy gave it to her at 10:30, and she was up only 3 more times last night.
Vic.....I was wondering why we hadn't heard from you in a while. Glad you got away some. I know it is a bummer to have to go by yourself all the time. I'd love to get on the back of hubby's bike and just go for a ride, but that hasn't happened in 5 years now.
Emjo, As soon as I saw Joan Benoit I thought of the runner. I remember watching her win the marathon at the Olympics........you tell such good stories.
Missing ASG, Yearight, Johnnycares and all the rest. I am brain dead....gotta get lunch going and take something out for supper...later...................
My day has started out crappy and I guess it can only go up from here. No part-time care giver today; my dil won't watch her kids and she can't find another sitter. And everyone else is busy. So I suppose I will take my back spasms and make them worse today.
starri......your dogs sound like mine. Little snots will run out the door, won't go down the deck stairs and then want right back in so I will give them a treat.....NOT! They have finally settled down and are sleeping. Guess this is my chance to take a shower and get to Wal-Mart. Col is out of bread and oatmeal.....that sounds terrible.....honestly we feed her real food....lol.
I hope everyone has a terrific day and I will check back later.....if I don't get moving I will still be sitting here at noon......
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
I pray Debbie that you dont give up! The black hole sucks! We have all been there. You know honey that you can walk away! Your mom or uncle would have to step in... It is not failure! You are strong or you wouldnt be there in the first place! I know where you r coming from and am not trying to give you advice just want you to know that all of us care very much even if you dont care rigt niw. We will hold you!
Anything your dads Dr. can do to help? A friend of mine has the signature, God gives you only what you can handle, I wish he didn't trust me so much..lol.. Feel the same way myself at times...
I don't believe it's a pity party, you have a lot going on and it can get to you at times, when you have a moment or two, sneak outside, sip a coffee or soda and just relax.. it helps.
Dad is ok..he is sooo squirmy and cant even rest at night despite drugs. Wish i could make it better. Mom tank God right now is healthy enough... GOD only gives as much as you can handle but sometimes it seems soooo much! I dont even concentrate on prayer anymore! How stupid is that!
Well the pity party continues. I have to work harder to get throug it. The drugs i imagine are keeping me from total bottom...but wouldnt it be nice to be somewhere in a drug coma just for a few days...oh well wouldnt change anything.
I was washing them prior to packing up, after about the 100th set of cow salt and pepper shakers I gave up.. let who ever gets them wash them..lol.. Good luck on the spring cleaning and I pray they say they can do the surgery.. I've been sweating my brother would get his eye surgery to remove the cataract's, he has a eye infection that is a recurrent infection, they would not do the surgery as long as it was currently active. Because of being pig headed and his memory issues, he would not do his ointment treatments to get rid of it, after a 6 hour ride to find out it wasn't gone, they finally got smart and gave him pills to take like I had asked them to in the first place, pills can be added to his pill box, he remembered to take his pills and on the 15th, had his surgery on the left eye, now we are waiting for the right, he might be able to see decently for the first time in years. Won't bring me back the brother I knew back when, but will make it a little safer for him to be left on his own.
Not done in the bathroom, but Kathy wants to tackle the living/dining area. Won't get far with having to take everything out of 2 cabinets and washing it. I haven't had a spring/fall cleaning like this done in 5 years. Guess I'll get the jukebox going and we can really get some stuff done. Yea, it's a real Rock-ola that has 45's and nothing newer than 1958 in it. So I can Sam Cooke and Brooks Benton and Clarence Carter my way through those rooms.
Did I tell you we are now counting down ---only 3 days left to the doctor visit that will give us options on surgery.....or not. And this whole week is going to be at or near 100.
Hope everyone manages to stay cool and have a good day...............
The cat will come in and insist on getting her treats, she'll eat if I escort her to her food bowl, and then she'll turn around and come in and start bugging me till I feed the dogs so that she can get in their food bowls, made her mad the other day, took and tossed her out of the house.
The two dogs will back out of their food bowls if she comes and sticks her head in there.. they cleaned out their food bowls when I had tossed her out, let her back in after they had finished and first thing she does is run for their bowls...bless her heart they were empty.. I got the evil eye for that one.
Hope that you all have peaceful easy days..
There is a way to find someone to help you, it's just a matter of digging, till you find it, kinda like finding things on the computer, you have to find different ways of phrasing it till you find what you are looking for. First place to start was your mom, they are her parents. She chose to refuse, ok, now on to the next step, contact social services.. medicaid? medicare? one of them will pay for someone to come in and help you take care of them, I can't remember for the life of me which one, but I know that Mom was offered that care and didn't qualify as she didn't get which ever one that was the one that would pay for it, Does grampa or gramma get military benefits? if so, check with the VA about getting assistance, Help is out there, you just have to find out where to find the information.
I'm kinda like a pitbull on a bone, when it comes to somethings, like finding out information on what I am needing. Check with your local Churches, hospital, senior center, hospice, etc.. someone somewhere has the information you need.
I keep telling hubby that there is nothing in this world that is impossible, if it can be thought of, it can be done, might take a little while, but it can be done. Years ago, authors thought and wrote about space travel, and here we are today, been to the moon, building a space station and trying to figure out how to inhabit other planets. Eventually we will be living on other planets, maybe not in our life times, maybe not our children's, or theirs, but the human race will be living on another planet..
On to happier notes, Ladies you all crack me up, thanks for the laughs this morning, Jam, offer still stands, I will pay for shipping if you will make a u-tube.. Ladee, I love your sense of humor, warped kinda like mine. Do S.O's qualify for pillow therapy as well?
Debating on another cup of coffee or getting some laundry together and take to Mom's and do it there while I am working on getting more stuff packed up. Coffee I think wins out for now..
Love ya,
Jam
several times the last few days i have laughed out loud for a while and then broke into tears over Gordie - and that is a good thing - they are there inside bottled up anyway
jam - you have done that to me a couple of times too
the freewheeling is definitely therapeutic and feeling one emotion tends to bring out others - or at least I am experiencing that - it is like a therapy session - laughter is such a great stress reliever and caregivers do experience a ton of stress and pain
(((((((hugs))))))