This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I used to work at a wholesale distributor who catered to convenience stores. I was the drug buyer at the time I started taking drugs !! I also bought volatile products, like batteries, water, Gatorade, sun screen, school products, things that would go crazy suddenly. Like have a hurricane and watch the demand for batteries and water go out of sight. Have a truck of Gatorade last 2-3 weeks in the winter and jump to 2-3 truck loads a day in the summer. And heaven forbid you run out of anything in the warehouse. I was known as the Condom Queen. I could have a straight faced meeting with vendors about the need to carry mint flavored condoms for a certain population of Fayetteville, NC that was close to Ft. Bragg. I got fussed at for running out of Kellogg's marshmallow Treats when they first came out cause Kellogg's couldn't make them fast enough. Ran out of de-icer one winter when the midwest had such terrific ice and snowstorms...like it was MY fault even Snap ran out of deicer. That job put me on drugs. Then I became the office manager, and while I liked the job better, I had to deal with the girls under me and that meant I stayed on drugs. Mom is just the continuation. Looking back, maybe I'm just nuts and I need them anyway....whatever......they do keep me out of jail, which at this point is almost beginning to look like a spa to me.
For both of you YR and Stormy, it takes on a average two weeks to a month for you to start feeling any difference in how you feel. Standard time frame that the doctors want you to give it is two weeks, if you don't start to feel a difference, then talk with your doctor.
Stormy, you might have to try different meds to find the right one that works for you, I've been through just about all of them, good thing they keep coming out with different ones..lol.. I've tried the pristiq, for me it didn't do what it was suppose too, I've tried several others, celexa (?) think that is the name of it, it's one of the newer ones, finally back on welbutrion it's a anti, and I take Lamictal as a mood stabilizer (I'd kill someone if they tried to take that away) it brought me out of a serious black hole. My sleep med is a 2mg ativan (anti psychotic)
Anti's will help keep you from wanting to dig a hole, crawl into it crying and wanting to pull the dirt in, in behind you. Ya'll have to remember for me, I am a bipolar type 2, my main expression of that is depression, I have manic days, but no where near as bad as the BP 1's, my worst has been staying up for 3 days and about killing myself doing things. I put the energy to good use, it was near thanksgiving and I cooked 3 turkey's, something like 10 pounds of potato's, and 3 pints of gravy..lol, 2 turkeys, 9 pounds of potato's and 2.5 pints of gravy went to one of the local soup kitchens..
I know that most of us do not want to take meds, but if it's what we have to do to feel as good as we can, then that is what we do.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Well, all in all dads sundowners hasn't been to bad this evening. I better knock on wood!! It is time to get him to bed. So nite everyone. I hope and pray
we all get a good nights sleep.
yes we all need laughs - please don't feel bad about doing it - u didn't start the cr*p - they did - u know ur mum's wishes and they should be honoured - u were not just in there for what you could grab - like they were so u did not sink to their level at all!!! and starri, sweetheart, you still need space away from this cr*p to grieve your mum's passing - out of there will be a very good thing for u and hubby
jam - thanks for the kind words - if i have any wisdom i have earned it the hard way u did it to me too - laughed outloud at ur crack about the jewellery not matching starri's bro's outfits - LOL - people do hang on to junk - after we moved mother's out of her apt and her stuff up here - not enough time to sort it all out down there, there was old pantyhose, unmatching earrings etc etc - also some useful stuff and yup the antique oak which I am happy to have - still have some boxes to go through and getting better at tossing all the time - then when I moved her the second time to a bigger place she wanted this and that back and I said No - cause I knew it would be an endless list of requests for bits and pieces and then recriminations if I had tossed or given away the fav tea kettle or whatever - picked out a few things I knew were special and useful to her - got them to her and that's all she wrote!!! Truth is she will bitch either way so may as well be easy on me, and my one good arm was already in serious trouble -couldn't strain it more - green tomatoes - fried - oh yummmmm! and leave target behind if he won't go to italy - his loss - it is awesome "circling the drain" that one got me too - never hear it before lol
ros - i lived in Perugia for a month and went to language school and ended up being able to speak italian (knew french and had a lot of latin in school so it worked well for me) - travelled to Milan, Rome, Florence (oh the Uffizi Gallery - heaven) -had my 21st b'day in Venice - my sister got tiddly on the wine the waiters kept bringing us at supper and that night she sat bolt upright in bed and sang Happy Birthday to me - one of the two good memories i have of her, had the best meal - veal - in a little cafe in Assisi - got my bum pinched on the bus lol
and flirted with a couple of great italian guys - Oh my they can flirt - one guy - oh my - it was good we left when we did!!!
sweetcakes - it is gramma's chair isn't it - my mistake - tweet to lulu and let us know how u r doing
stormy - praying that you get all the right people and you withstand ur sister's reaction - jam has got it right let sis have her fun and you can have yours too - with your beautiful red headed son and your hubby - that is no place for your boy he should be out in the sunshine playing with his toys
just to repeat - I am joan benoit on facebook and the top hit - have put the same pic up there as I have here - Gordie understands - he told me that this morning and no I am not going crazy - have added some of you and it gives me such a warm feeling to see my "family" (I'm with you ladee -choose your family) growing
all u other wonderful people - have a good day!♥
DMV and those have to have a street address, while they will mail stuff to your P.O box, they do need a physical addy. We'll figure it out, the RV mail forwarding people do have addresses that you can use for stuff like that, so that might be a idea.. Most things like tag renewals you can do through mail. Bills I pay online right now anyway. About the only thing you might have to do in person is a new drivers license. With the new extended license they give you might not even have to do that. Pretty much all banks have debit cards now, so you don't even need to change your bank.
All the bugs can be worked out on this trip, one thing I have been doing is looking around at the smaller towns in AZ, NV, etc.. all close to the border of CA, picking one and then pulling up it's local news paper on line, I can check out the going rates on the apartments and stuff there. Gives me a basic idea on what the cost is going to look like. In warmer, drier climates, I don't have to worry about pipes freezing, mold growing on the walls from the humidity, etc.. about all would be robbers, but what we would leave there would not be worth stealing anyway.
If they want the 200.00 TV from Walmart let them have it. I believe our home computer is going to go the way of the dinosaur and we'll just be using the laptops for computers with a external hard drive for extra storage. Pictures can be stored on line now. Hughes net while on the expensive side will let you have wireless anywhere you are.
So this trip is going to be a good one.. Love and Hugs to all..
For those of you struggling with idiots for family, stomp your foot, raise your fist and scream at the top of your lungs, " I ain't gong to take this S*** anymore" Time to get hubby's butt out of bed, he laid around yesterday, what time he wasn't on the computer. Today there's a honey do list for him...lol..
Haven't posted much this week, been a little bit busy and almost too hot to move. But it sounds like most have had a terrific week and getting lots of things done.
stormy.....in my 25 yrs in EMS, suctioning goobers was the one thing that would turn my stomach....every single time. So I don't blame you for having a hard time doing it. Can you explain to your Dad that you have called hospice for help, not because you want him to think he's circling the drain? And if sis gets mad, too bad, schedule them to come when it would have been your shift, that way sis won't miss out on all the fun!
emjo............you are a very wise woman and I love reading your posts. You have so much to offer others with your words of wisdom.
starri.....it seems like I remember reading an article that said your area of the country was one of the best to retire to. I've read some on Yahoo, like the top 10 places in the country to retire and what taxes, etc are. You might try that and get some ideas on where you could stop and still be close to family. I'm glad you retrieved the jewelry that was meant for you. It probably wouldn't have matched any of your brother's outfits anyway. Several years ago when my younger bro and sis were moving my mother back here from Michigan after her husband passed away, they put everything in a storage unit. They had sold their house and were living in a mobile home, but I know what a pack rat my mother was, so it didn't surprise me to find out there were also 3 storage units. Anyway, I kept telling them to bring her things to my house and store them in the barn and stop paying $60/mo for a unit. They finally did and I'm wondering why are we so concerned with all this junk? When they moved her they just threw crap in and what little of the "good stuff" they brought, well they scavenged through it and took the antique furniture and a freezer, after that there was really nothing left. And half of her things they left in Michigan. I ended up throwing everything away as it was nothing but junk. The only thing my mother ever talked about was wanting her purse. The night she was taken to the hospital and then ended up in the NH, someone had taken her purse, had to be younger sister, but we could never find it. One day, just before Mom passed away last Dec, this same sister says oh yeah, I found her purse. Gee, did you get whatever you wanted out of it? This is the same sister who took ALL of mom's winter sweaters for storage, then let them become infested with fleas, and when I asked for them several times she finally told me she would go to Goodwill and find a couple to replace them. I was livid because there were good sweaters that I know what I paid for! I guess the moral of that story is some siblings can be such a$$holes, and we share the same genes!
YR.....glad vacation was good to you........ready for another one yet?
54......prayers to you and your family
Vic.... haven't heard from you for a while
Debbie......I bet the chair you are redoing for Grandma is beautiful and how thoughtful even when she is being nasty. It was Gma wasn't it?
burned....hope you're getting all of your paperwork figured out. I always hate the paper part of anything.
seeme......poor momma, how is she feeling? This has got to be wearing her down. And then to look like she's been through a war zone. Bless her heart and your's too of course...:)
ladee.....sorry you have to work today. Are you working for Sonny and Marie or on your new home?
rossella.......I would love to visit Italy.....unfortunately Target says he would never go to Europe again. He has been to Spain years ago. Maybe I should consider leaving him at home.
I'm not sure what today will bring...at least I know I will have to keep water on the garden. The news said last night that we will be having the hottest temps in 5 yr this week. Some of our grass is turning brown, but I have tons of green tomatoes to be saved. Monday we are driving down to the lake house to get more stuff....I don't have a clue where I will put anything. We're bringing back a bedroom set and there is not a single space in this house to put it and Target says you'll find a place. I have been looking at him with an evil smile on my face.
Hello to everyone else........post and let us know how you are doing..........
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Indy, give that brave little dufus dog a kiss for me this morning, I love goofy dogs...
Burned, regardless of what all you are dealing with, I do see a difference in you.. I am very proud of you and yes you have an unreal load, but you are doing it with courage and grace, and just know you are appreciated here..
Starri, be on the lookout for places to move on your trip, yep, I got away from my family.... my friends are my family.... couldn't make it without ya'll
stormy, your little one could pet Cheyenne but could not ride him,He would land in the middle of next week if he tried to get on her back...I will get more pics, there are three of them and they will be living on the property I will be on IF I ever get my house moved..
Yes for calling hospice, what is she going to do, be ungrateful, get mad, be passive aggressive, well duh, you already have been there with her with all that, you have a RIGHT to at least have someone take up the slack for YOU, and if she wants to continure will let her do it.. but you have a back up plan... I know now you are the smart one of the bunch.... good job...
Seeme, hope you got some sleep last night..
Jam, you do have a good excuse now if the col ends up in the pond, she didn't have her glasses on.......
Everyone else, I will try to get caught up, but am going to have to get ready for work,,, God , I will be glad when today is over.... love ya'll and be back later...
YR was so happy to see you on fb this am - beautiful grandbabies!!!
ladee - tell me more about emjojohn - I am very proud of my american indian (cree)heritage even if I came to it by marriage - I learned much and love my ex mil and ex and i are friends (after all the water that has gone under the bridge we still care for one another and share Gordie)
John - how is the diet going - will share a bit of info - aspartame causes weight gain - and you find it in many (most) diet soda - according to one study people who stopped drinking it lost an average of 19 lbs - I have lost 3 so far very quickly :)
hope everyone has a good day and remember - do right by yourself as well as by others - sometimes that takes more strength
love and hugs ♥♥♥ Joan
It breaks my heart that he would take part in this, I honestly don't think it was him that did it, I believe it was the "friend" of the family that did it, but baby brother is just as guilty by not stepping in and saying something. We're currently living on baby brothers property, so I expect to get asked to leave when he comes over and finds pad locks on the door...lol. and you know what? I truly could give a rat's ass less, at this point and time.
Hubby and I gave up a home (rental) that we both really liked, to come out here and watch after him and Mom, Mom's gone now, and baby brother is being a serious ass.. I've thought about it and thought about it, I think that we are going to go to CA, do what we need to do there, such as visit with DH's family, get my divorce certificates and then come back here and start cleaning out all the crap we have here and get ready to get out of here... I've pretty much had enough.
Don't know where we would live.. Hubby brings home a good amount of money per month, but anywhere on the west coast will kill you in cost of living... along with insurance for the cars and tags. Example? when I moved out here (SC) 15 years ago from CA, the month before mom and I made the move, I paid 150.00 for car tags. Got here and of course you have to switch plates, I paid a whole 35.00.. Insurance for a car and a truck is running 170.00 per month, full coverage, and I paid far more than that in CA for basic street legal. Hubby wants to be near his family, and I can't blame him, he's been out here 11 years, and only been back to see his family once. Would love to find a way to keep a SC address so that we can keep our vehicles registered here.. Somethings got to give before I do..lol..
I also found a box full of pictures in there, and guess what? they came home with me and once again I dare him to say something..lol... he should be home tomorrow evening, I'm going to go back to mom's and do what I can to finish getting that place together.. even if it's not done by the time the 27th rolls around, I am out of here..
Went to the store today, picked up some locks, will have this place locked up tighter than a drum when we leave. Man I hate it to be this way. Ladee hope you are feeling better, Stormy, Glad to hear that you are. Big hugs to everyone else.
and i have white hair and glasses and a dark outfit - I will put the pic back for a bit and then put Gordie up again
then sweetcakes will know I am really a woman ;)
ros and starri I sent invitations - I am not great on fb but i manage
I am taking a whole different direction in my life. I am becoming an animist and I am having great satisfactions in it. I have a very good relation with any kind of water, lately.... And I am having a closer relationship with plants. I have many plants in my garden, which have been kindly left me by the former owner of my house. It is crazy because until some days ago, I watered them because "I had to". A few days ago, I woke up and I though (out of nowhere) : "I LOVE MY PLANTS!" And I started to water them with another attitude, with love, in fact.
You won't believe it, 2 evenings ago I said my rose: "you make very beautiful flowers" and yesterday I found 2 new roses, pink and perfect! I thanked the plant and I petted her on her leaf. Then I realized that the other plants could be offended, and I said a kind word to everyone. You won't believe it again, tonight I looked at my wisteria and I noticed she had made a single flower, too! (it had been naked for weeks because of the hot weather). I think my plants are kind of thanking me for watering them with love. And now I think, and I think I am right, that plants blossom when they are happy.
I have to work so I kiss you all