This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I have been trying to keep up. Days here have been up and down. Stress and soo tired. Frustration, frustration. Oh well. God bless.
Each of us are doing the best we can! Remember to look in the mirror and say to yourself you are worthy!
And yes there are different degrees of caregiving, but NONE of it is easy.... so, sorry you sister is "comparing" the two.. I know she must be devastated by her husbands illness, but none of it is easy.... and you are right, it can change very suddenly.....hugs to you and thanks for sharing something light hearted, I really needed that this evening...
I kind-of wish the TV had broken -- it would have given us an excuse for shopping for a new flat screen, and maybe get one for ourselves even!
My son helped Grandma and Grandpa up and out to the kitchen (he was calling them for lunch). No one hurt, thank God!, but more excitement than what usually goes on in a day.
On top of that, I got a job!! I was laid off July 1st, and will start on Monday!! (Dad said he wishes it had been my husband, who teaches part time, and is home most of the time. -- And who rankles Dad about eating healthy foods...) Both of us were looking for full time, to keep things going, but only one of us "needs" a job at a time. Sometimes, if we both have contracts at the same time, we can afford to hire someone to come in while we're gone. Anyway, I'm glad it was me! I could develop pretty bad habits if I didn't go to work each morning...
I really feel for those of you with big problems on your hands. Falling TVs don't quite match 2-day temper tantrums or other problems I haven't faced yet. My sister is nursing a second husband through terminal illness, and reminds me (frequently) of "how easy I have it." It could change very suddenly....
Debbie....I will pray for grampa and please let us know how you are doing with all this. I guess he has nurses coming in checking on him?? Please tell me you are not handling him alone........ If you can say you have cut yourself in the past, then let it be in the past. I just want to put you in my pocket next to my heart and love you........and there is now shame in taking meds, only help until the worst passes.....
I have an opportunity to take a nap and I am taking it.........
And yes, life is too short. we need to tell those we love, that we love them, and we need to get people out of our lives that are toxic to our sanity.... I have told people before that I could love them from a distance... I do not have to have them in my personal space.... love ya lady and keep letting us know how things are for you... we are all here for each other for all sorts of reasons... hugs across the miles to you..
Flava, doesn't forgiveness lighten the load so we can be our best self.... You are amazing and we hope you continue to post with us..... We need teachers about forgiveness, I think you have things we need to hear...
Stormy, I wish there was a magic wand to remove caregiver guilt, but I am going to say that you have paid your dues.... knowing your limitations is the first step, and sometimes when we just keep pushing, a Higher Power will give us things to MAKE us slow down.. I am not saying God is responsible for your depression and anxiety, I am saying He allowed it to get to this point so you will stand up for yourself, and say, I can't right now, I don't want to, I don't have to.. stick around we'll help you if we can...
ASG, You are MOM of the YEAR as far as I am concerned... using this situation with the aunt to teach your kids kindness and understanding... sorry little man got a smakin', but the next time she said she wanted to "get out of there" then hand her some information about Assisted Living and Nursing Homes in your area, and walk out.... Am so proud of you for not walking on eggshells anymore for that ungrateful ole hussy, I don't care if she is sick... your babies live there too....
Jam, please tell me Target is at least going to take you out to eat this evening!!!! If not, he damned well better have something special surprise for you... tell him he does not want ALL of us mad at him....
Seeme, you can't be supportive when your bucket is way past empty... we just expect you to take care of yourself, and not a thing more.... any news about the surgery??? Is she going to be able to have it?? and if not, what is your plan B???
Debbie, I have an idea, let us love you until you love yourself....... I had some people 25+ years ago that did that for me,,, now I have that to offer you... you know what to do to keep from cutting yourself,, act on that... love ya..
emjo, all your "late nights" are catching up with you!!!!! Take care of yourself, and we appreciate your passion for what you believe in... One of the things I appreciate about this thread, is we get to say how we FEEL and how we THINK without judgement....... We are all teaching other, and who could ask for more than that....
John, am so happy to hear your good news about the insurance... a big load off.. and am very proud that you are eating better and getting out and taking the dog for a walk...... we honor your achievements....
More later, need to run some errands... hugs across the miles...
You are not the problem. As I see it, your sister is a big part of the problem by not agreeing to have help brought it. I am with you in that she should have agreed to bring in help months ago. It is not your dad's illness alone that has tarnished your relationship. Your sister too, is making choices that are affecting your relationship. How does that kind of lack of caring for your feelings make you feel - like a piece of worthless cr*p - or at least it would me. That his need for care, and her need to look after him counts, but that your needs don't count!!!! No way, Jose'!!! That is not healthy. If I were in your shoes I would say that I cannot come back (for your health and your family's health though you do not have to justify your decisions to your sister or have her approval), but what I can do is help bring in someone to care for dad. If you feel you can do some care or no care - only you can say - but stick to your guns. Her response to that is her problem - not yours - just draw your boundaries and stay firm. My mother would take over my life to care for her while others can do it with much less stress. My sister doesn't like it - tough - let her be in charge then. She does nothing, but expects me to do it. Either way a sister's expectations do not have to govern you. In my case I help, but cannot do that much for various reasons.
I hear some anger coming out from you and that is good. Vent away here - it will help the depression. If the root cause is dealt with you may not need the pills though I would stay on them for now. In the bible your husband comes after God, then your children. Mother loves to quote "Honour thy father and thy mother" but she forgets about "Do not provoke your children" and Love your neighbour as yourself. Hope i have not come on too strong for any one here, but I do feel very deeply about this issue. For those who are able to look after their seniors, you have my greatest respect. I think you are amazing.
Big hugs again, love and prayers for all ♥♥♥ joan
I researched nursing homes here and found here (Alberta Canada) they are gov't subsidized when necessary. It relieved my mind that they are there if needed. They may not meet mother's standards of "the best" but if her money runs out I cannot support her to stay where she is at over $3000/month and then more for extra help.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
(((((((debbiecakes - sweetheart)))))))) - sharing our dirty secrets is what it is all about - say to yourself first thing in the morning and more than once a day "I am worthy!" .You must have been very hurt some years ago. If you feel yourself falling into depression there are good antid's out there though finding the right one for you may take a little time. We here love you! Glad you feel safe enough to share - no one here will judge you - we all carry burdens and no one is perfect. more ((((((hugs))))) and love you ♥♥♥ and an extra one ♥
jam - Happy Day!!! - hope you have a special one and target does well by you (((((hugs))))
asg - that is so tough - balancing your aunt's needs and your children's - you need the wisdom of Solomon when two women came before him to resolve a quarrel over which was the true mother of a baby. When Solomon suggests dividing the living child in two with a sword, the true mother is revealed to him as she is willing to give up her child rather than see the baby killed. Solomon then declares the woman who shows compassion to be the true mother, and gives the baby to her. ((((hugs))) and prayers for wisdom.
seeme - how did the chiro go? - i'll keep doing it the best i can but some of the stories will have to go out by email , just can't them post publicly - maybe I can set up a private blog - has anyone done that? I'm thinking of changing my profile pic just to be safe - lol - don't want anyone recognizing themselves in my stories or me
ladee u r right a new hairdo makes you feel better no matter what u r doing
starri - glad to hear he has some redeeming qualities - I was going to call it Sexy at Seventy lol
stormy (((((((hugs))))) with the feelings you are describing (and not surprising you have them) I think your husband is right - you don't have to. Apparently your sister can do it easier than you.. Can you talk openly with her and discuss options? If it were me I would rather work and earn money to pay someone else to do it. cmagnum has said several times - guilt is not love. In my view you need to care for you and your family - your son first. Can arrangements could be made for someone to come in and help, or for your dad to be in a facility where there are staff to look after him. Others here have more experience with the options and I am sure will share. (((((((((hugs)))))) don't feel bad about yourself - a person can only do what they can do - see if you can shed the guilt. You have already gone the extra mile or two - don't compare yourself to your sister - you are 2 different people - heck if i compared myself to my sister I would be a saint and i am not that lol
wishing everyone a good day - still coughing and guts acting up - you wouldn't think a few spoonfuls of unsweetened apple sauce would do that - I know it is the candida - feeds on sugar - so take an immodium, and a decongestant, and brave going out - hate having to rely on drugs but glad they are available - but you all know all about that
love and hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
Debbie...repeat after me "I AM A GOOD PERSON AND I AM GIVING MY GRANDPARENTS JOY IN THEIR REMAINING YEARS......I AM A GOOD PERSON.....I AM A GOOD PERSON........................" Sometimes we just need a little temporary boost to get us back up to where we belong. Please consider seeing your doctor and discuss with him/her these "little" feelings of depression. They can become bigger and deeper before we know it.
Flava.....welcome and so glad you found us. Taking care of your mother now is a wonderful thing and you have such a forgiving heart. And yes it is hard to be with that person only day after day after day. The rest of us are right there with you in that box....lol. I was going nuts until I finally got my husband to see the error of his ways and hire someone to watch his mother during the day....:) Would it be possible to hire someone at least a few hours a week so that you could get a break? Or maybe trade "jobs" with a neighbor or friend....they watch mom while you run errands for them for example. You are at least getting out. My mil, more commonly known as the col here, also told me once it was like she was living in a jail...she wasn't talking about the deficits of her mental status, she was talking about the fact that we've had to put limitations on her activities. Before her dementia set in, she was off to Hawaii yearly, Disney World, Baltimore to see one of her granddaughters, New York City, to the theater, restaurants, driving. Now that she is unable to do all those things it became a nightmare trying to explain how those things were beyond her capabilities anymore. She's lucky to be able to walk across the floor....but everyday she wants to go shopping or somewhere. I guess at those times I am glad her memory is gone because I can just direct her mind to something else. When she starts talking about going to Hawaii I just tell her yes, someday we'll be able to go and then I get onto some other topic. Keep coming back and let us know how things are going..........I think all the computer companies should give care givers a discount......don't we keep them in business?
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
I'm just working a lot...and coming home to do damage control.
Falling back into bit of depression. I am USUALLY depressed but have come out of it since being here which is really ironic. I know everyone gets down but this is not quite just being down. I am covered in scars because I used to take a razor blade to myself when things got too overwhelming. Yikes. So that's dirty secret number 1. Haha. If I can just remember that I'm not worthless I might be okay.
Thank you for the birthday wishes everyone!!!!!! I'm not awake yet....just starting to drink coffee. I think my day will consist of taking the col to be fitted for her glasses. I think it was starri who mentioned the twist frames, etc? I thought of those, but then I decided to see if she is even going to wear them before she puts a bunch of money into them. I see these sitting on the dresser or table and one of us will always have to tell her to put them on. Half the time she doesn't even put her ears in, and when the tv is at super sonic levels I will have to ask if she even bothered. And I also have to take her dog in for suture removal. Fun day for me! And another hot one.....heat index around 115 today.....welcome to MO summer.....it will be 70 next week. Will check back later after a little coffee.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Well I've been busy as a bee here! The temper tantrums have become so common around here, I think I'm almost getting numb to them. Or I'm to busy to worry. One of my wonderful little boys got angry with aunt cause she blamed him for putting a hot wheel on the table outside her room! So to retaliate he decorated this table (its in our part of the house but is one of those things she gifted us when shhe moved in)with trash!!! He put confettii from those 4th of july popper things, some wadded up paper and a flip flop in it. Real early in the morning before anyone else woke up. Before I had a chance to see it. She was furious! I got up and went it to get my first cup of coffee and she said someone put somthing on that table...thinking it was another hot wheel like the previous days tantrum, I. Went in to remove it. And was shocked at what I saw!!! It was all over it. She named the one son she thought had done it(the oldest) and I said oh no, this is the work of a 5 year old I'm sure! Come to find out it was the my middle son the 7 year old. Now this little boy is normally very quiet, very reserved, he's petiete for his age, never complains about anything, gets his feelings hurt easily and I never no unless I find him crying somwhere. He's always off to himself playing with toys. After questioning I figured it all out. She balled him out along with the others the day before over a hot wheel being left on the table, and he admitted to me that he did it to make her mad, early before anyone else was awake he "decorated" the table then went back to sleep. He got a whippen for it. I sat them all down and told them all, she can't help her tantrums, she's ill, and I can't defend them if they are going pull stunts like this. I have never, ever seen him act like that. I've never seen any of them mess up somthing for spite. So he had to do work the next day, special chores. Now that I look back, I understand this isn't easy for them, its kinda funny. But still I don't want them doing anything to on purpose to get back at somone. She didn't know it was retaliation against her, she thought he did it to make his sister mad, cause of jelousy. Ok not sure why she thinks that but its better than as long as she dosnt realize it was to pee her off. She cried and cried over that for 2 days, she said when I aw that table I was trying to figure out how on earth I was gonna get outta here! I said get outta here? Why did you wanna get outta here? She said well it made me so mad to see stuff all over that table. I couldn't figure out where I would go. I said well your not a prisoner here, but don't you think leaving because a 7 year old put some paper on that table is a permenant solution to a temporary problem. He took it all off and nothing was harmed.she said well I was so angry, it made me so mad that he would would do that. Ok!! Well her reaction to it went on for 2 days. If she were to ever go to a nh, they would see she has issues. I'm not gonna worry bout it anymore. She said it one other time, when my 4 year old at the time, used his big toe to turn off the small t.v. in my kitchen. Don't know why he did it, he was 4 it was silly but kids are somtimes, she was walking through when he did it and she lost it. So I can't keep kids from being kids, I can teach them not to do anything to piss her off. But I've let go of getting myself in a tizzy over the tantrums. It dosnt stop them,it does me no good. She mentioned talking to the dr. About some of her memory problems, so I'm hoping she will. I encouraged her to do so.
And Target owes her more than a week, but we won't push it.....
Starri, Ddrive safe...hope you get good news about is eyes.......yeh, let him live a little while longer....the anitcipiation is half the fun....
Jam...been wanting to tell you that yeah, mom's medicine is in that little container, but if you don't put it in there right.............it gets screwed up for the week.........and I have a yearly visit to the dr in August..........
Kathy was over yesterday and we cleaned out mom's living room, where I sleep now. Took 6 hrs. Mom has a collection of Indian things that range from pictures, to a cigar store Indian to little what-nots in her entertainment center/curio cabinet. Everything was washed or dusted or Murphy oil soaped. Managed to get one night stand out and it looks like there is a lot more room now. Kathy will finish down the hallway and bathroom today and then head off to the sunroom. I have a chiro appt and then will get my hair dyed and cut. Yesterday was a perfect example of mom interrupting me so often I can't get anything done in the house. At least Kathy realizes it is not a matter of me being lazy. I am ssoooooo looking forward to the chiro appt. Got a pressure apot between my shoulder baldes that is making my right arm almost useless.
It will be 100 here today, but I will enjoy getting out. Sorry I have not been very encouraging to you all . I've had problems getting up with mom's pulmonologist to straighten out her neb meds, he is on vacation this week, she's complaining of nausea after her breathing treatments, and one RX hasn't been picked up cause she refuses to pay $101 for it. Chest x-ray confirmed COPD, no surprise there. He is not likely to OK her for surgery.....am thinking of sending her home with him to deal with the fistula.....sound like a plan???
Emjo....you did it again.........I enjoyed it and looking forward to the next chapter....
Have a good day, Ladee.......love you..............