This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Starri, been missing you woman.. sorry your nest egg has had to be tapped into so much, but you sound like a good rebounder, and know you will figure something out... Happy to hear, even under the circumstances, that the new scenery has helped.. and thank you for suggesting the melatonin for Seeme to use for her mom.. seems to be working and both need to rest so bad... good to see you here this morning...
Seeme, so HAPPY to hear the melatonin is working for your mom!!!! See, what would we do with out each other here???? Bet you will be glad when you can see the bottom of the closet.... my nephew will help me, one of the few men on the planet that I trust, it won't be long now... then maybe I can start saving for a trip to come see you and everyone can meet at your house and we will have a party and listen to emjo's boy toy stories, ahhh the good old days,,, when we could all have FUN......Maybe we need to think of another place to meet, I just thought about that, you would drive yourself insane getting ready for all of us,,, any suggestions....????
I have not given a NOBS BUSEY report lately, ya'll should see his little fat ass!!! Even with the drought, he is turning into quite a fine young man,,, you can tell he is a little bull, even from a distance, he is bigger than the rest of the babies...
OH I miss Gary........ that would be Gary Busey, my future ex husband.... I am so in love with his crazy self.... I am not too old to have a crush and that makes me feel even better...lol... and for those of you who do not know the story, let it suffice to say that just the fact that he is my MAN should tell ya'll volumes about me and the way I think..lololololol.............
Jam, hope your weekend with the col is not too bad... just tell her Heather will be there in awhile and she needs to straighten up... We know Heather will not be there, but she won't remember... I use that with Sonny, if he will do so in so then he can have a brownie... of course he doesn't get the brownie, but it works...
Isn't "brownie" a strange word for food........ I have been in the trenches too long ya'll
Ok, off to run errands and go to the farmers market and get Morose Marie her fresh veggies...... she won't let me do anything for her in the house, but has no problem having me run around in the heat and using my own gas... what is wrong with this picture..... speaking of, the AC in my car is not working.. sil is going to check it this weekend for me... I am soaking wet by the time I get home from work.... just want to walk in the door here and lay down on the floor......
Love to everyone, will be back later to get caught up... hugs across the miles to everyone....
seeme - well good! I will keep doing what I can - I know about black holes.
The worst part is when there is a little light at the top then you see a cover going over that - I guess u r old enough. Now where so I start - they always have been younger than me - first hubby - by 6 months (we lasted 11 years 3 kids), 2nd hubby by 16 years ( we lasted 16 yrs and 1 child - my beloved Gordie who was killed nearly 9yrs ago)- when we got together he was 19 and I was 36 - Lordy I was glad when he hit 20 - then I took BIG break and my current sig other is 13 yrs younger - now none of these really qualify - but the 23 yr old 2 yrs ago (before my s.o - yes I was shocked to) - thats enough for now - I will fill u in with more later... I have to remember that these boards are public!!!! ;-0 and that debbiecakes is too young - tweet tweet - let me tell you life starts at 70!!! BTW boxes, boxes I am still working on boxes and s.o. brings in more and more all the time. I am going to have to do something about those pack rat tendencies he has - when I get the energy... Love the story of ur mum and the wreckless drivers
Starri Glad u r having a good trip and a break. CA sounds like a great plan though hope that Glenn's mother isn't headed where you fear she is. Take care and enjoy.
ladee - how is ur house search going?
ros - should u get a check up - cardio and all that?
thats about as caught up at I can do right now - cough getting better - everything slows down as you get older - grrrr - well not everything lol ;)
have a great day everyone - sending out lots of love ♥♥♥ and extra. for those great pets ♥
rosella...a few weeks when I happened to be really tired, I went in to the little store we have here ( I also live in the country) that is owned by some men from the Middle East, maybe Yemen. One asked me where I worked and I said I take care of my mom (she loves their potatoes they serve at lunch). He told me that is a wonderful loving thing to do and I should be happy for the honor. I told him it was still a LOT of work.
Ladee....hope your nephew is some help in finding you another place to live. Remember, you can always come here and take care of mom. She cracked me and Kathy up last night a couple of times. Once she said she was going to get up and try to walk by herself. I was across the hall yelling "Why must you try that when no one is near you, wait till I get there". When I was standing by her, I said OK now try it. And she says, "There's only one problem....I can't get my ass up off the chair." I didn't reaize the whole time I was yelling, she was trying to get up!! Then when all the bags and boxes were sitting out in the living room, and Kathy couldn't believe how much stuff we took out of her closet, we cleaned out a little path for her chair so she could get something to eat in the kitchen. On her way back to bed, she commented on how nice the boxes were that Kathy provided, and I hit one with her chair. "Yep, they are really nice if they don't get tore up by a wreckless driver !!" lol She was getting tired and I already had the melatonin in her.
Starri, I am using the melatonin faithfully and it seems to be working very well. Again, mom didn't get up till 4 am and has gotten up at 7:30 and is back in bed now at 8. I stayed up at 7 so I feel better today than yesterday.
Last night, mom said she didn't want to be put out (for surgery). Now that her closet has so much more room, she is ready to fill it back up and can't be bothered with surgery and being unable to go to the stores. We easily got rid of $500 worth of Crocs alone and most had never been worn.
Well, I shall check in later and see what is happening this Saturday. I hope you all have a good day filled with lots of love and hugs.....later......,.
From there I don't know where we are going to head, would like to come back out this way before winter... what little snow we get in SC is bad enough, The family was showing us pictures of last winter here, and they had gotten enough to almost cave in the roof. Not my idea of a good time.
Looks like I have lots and lots of reading to get caught up on when we get home, will be easier when we are on the road on the normal trip, will not be on the move quite as much.. CA is a 4 day drive if you want to make some long days out of it, but this trip is going to be a two week or more for getting there.
Big Hugs and peaceful days for everyone
I knew the peace couldn't last - it's crazyville again. Mother is out of hospital back in her apartment and asking for me to sene her $1000 to help pay for aftercare - about the same care as she had before and paid for herself - her financial advisor emailed me and passed this message along and said she is fine financially - just wants some attention. What's new?
She also had someone from her residence come up to arrange to bring her her special diet and she sent them away and emailed me saying that she wants me to sort it out or it will cost "us"??? a lot of money. To give context - she has been asking the management there to bring her her special diet for months. Now that they are offering to, she sends them away.without finding out what they are willing to give her and how much it will cost. I know from past experience that getting involved in any of this means you get nasty emails for whatever you do or don't do, you are told you are all wrong and trying to take over her affairs. This is not dementia , it is the personality disorder and always been that way so I am staying out of it. She is quite capable of sorting this out herself and when the time comes that she can't manage assisted living then the next stage is a nursing home. She will milk this for all she can - BTDT - got a wardrobe of t-shirts - not going back!
so that's where i am - ladee (((((hugs)))
seeme - i am so glad i can make you happy - not sure how but that doesn't matter I haven't been called cute in a couple of lifetimes :) re anaesthesia - my mother has had her hip surgeries without general anaesthetic and it works fine
debbiecakes - kava kava does have some potential side effects like liver damage - don't think it happens frequently but better to be aware - google it -grilled mushrooms mmmm!
John I am sorry you don't seem to have any solution. As far a losing weight goes the only thing that works for me and is, incidentally very good for the blood sugar, and blood fats is going low carb -why don't u give it a whirl? the cravings stop!
YR hope u r more rested - supper sounded gooood - love those kitties and their wet noses
jam - can u get one of those chains for glasses for col so you can let them fall on your chest when you are not losing them? (you know what I mean?) might help to keep them from getting lost - call it a new style necklace lol
indy - if i belong u belong - so we both belong! feelng good sometimes is allowed ;)
sandraann ((((((hugs)))) sounds to me like u r anticipating the time when ur mum will be gone and doing some grieving now and feeling the loneliness. there are many here me included that do not have caring famillies. What has helped me is making friends like the wonderful gals and guys here - really it helps. Doesn't change your situation maybe but help you to cope and as others have said so do drugs plain and simple - and there is a time and place for those.
drugs and friends, friends and drugs - should be a song there
"drugs and friends, friends and drugs, one gives peace, the other gives hugs
one you buy, the other you make, -... any one have a finish for this???
burned - wow - you are coping with a lot - hugs and prayers
ros - lol I can ID with that! but I am a little concerned about your fatigue too- re that guy - there is a Canadian indian saying that goes - Walk a mile in my moccasins to learn where they pinch. -ur friend doesn't have a clue - life will teach him eventually -did someone say something about toy boy - for shame! LOL - I could tell you some stories.. - maybe one day i will -I'm a nice girl - really!!! :-D
now that I've shocked u time to wind up
I am sure I have forgotten someone - forgive me -seniors moments
hope everyone is doing as well as possible
sending lots of hugs and prayers and love ♥♥♥♥♥♥
L
Anyway glad to hear you got to go to the pool today, relieve some stress... BG has a pool, but she would probably charge me to swim in it, so I don't ask.....
Debbie, hope your alternative works,, and giving gram some might be the answer and then you won't have to drink any, just give her some... yeha..glad to hear you are doing so much better.. and happy to see when you have posted...
Burned, you are sounding like a different person.... so glad you have come back to let us know you are better and feeling better everyday.... don't ya just love it that we have so many people to talk to......
emjo, where are ya????
I know I have misses someone, but I will be back later... hugs across the miles to you all...
Hi rossella......sounds like your friend lives in his own little happy world....but would he make a good "boy toy"......:)
Heather was able to control the col today with a promise of homemade brownies next week. And they are going to take a walk up and down the driveway if it's not too hot. Before bath the col called on the intercom demanding the hot rollers.....Target told her no.....it's taking time but I think he's trainable.
Hello to everyone and I hope y'all have a good night........
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Lulu is also currently enjoying her dinner of freshly sprouted seeds. Mmmm.
I have realized that I am obviously part of the problem here, because when I take those pills...I just feel so good. I am way less irritable and I can tolerate so much more. HOWEVER, I have also decided that while I have tried these pills and they do work, before I go to the Dr and get some, I am going to try kava kava because it is supposed to be very effective in reducing anxiety and promoting over all euphoria. I have to get my hands on it first though. Wish me luck. Oh yeah, there are also Kava drink mixes that I am going to give to Gram. I bet she will love them, you can make smoothies, and it will help her feel better too, Yay. No drug interactions by the way, lol.
COBI - you are very sweet when you talk about your father. My mother passed through that stage of the disease 4-5 years ago, she lived by herself, she didn't want any help, and my brother and I were always afraid she could hurt herself or forget the gas of the burners open. Finally she accepted an help, and now she lives with me. But it took years to convince her that she couldn't be alone anymore and she couldn't wander alone in the streets!
Emjo (inner child). I have no problems to find my inner child, while I have lots of problems to find my inner adult.
Yeahright! Ready for your trip?
Indy: we are only happy for you! And we are happy that sometimes miracles happen and old people improve with age! Please continue writing, listening to you is like having a good dream!
Ladee: thanks for you concern. I went to the swimming pool today, I swam, I feel better. Sport is really good as a stress reliever!
Talking about stress, yesterday afternoon I had a text conversation with a friend of mine, (we texted each other for half an hour) and it was a surreal dialogue because he asked me how I was, I told him "I am stressed" and I tried to explain to him why, and he kept answering me that i MUSTN'T be stressed! That I have to live with my mother with JOY and serenity! Stress is not allowed! He is a good boy and has good intentions but he doesn't understand a damn thing. I guess that it's impossible to communicate with people who don't live a life like ours, and who lack imagination.
Bye!
I was noticing there was another christie on board lol and my name is christie but i was saying how familiar that name is nowadays. It seems that zoloft is controlling his seizures more than the dilantin but have to talk to his doc again about a different regimen of medication to help control it or lower the dose. I got a chance to sleep in a rarity and hubby admit to me last night about being uncomfortable by himself out in our living room. So me staying and sleeping on our pull out is helping him but not my back. Today I do not feel like calling in that dratted appt for the gyno to get my cysts looked at and for the first time ever my sister is having surgery. She is scared out of her wits she never been through Surgery before but I already had my first one when I was 19 but haven't had to endure another yet. Sandrann ur in the right place and I know where you are coming from. I start looking after my husband before and after he lost his job knowing his family will never step in. I have been criticized and swamped; at moments i felt that I needed to disappear for good but then there will be no one I can trust to watch my children. You are suffering from stress, shock and anxiety. You need to see if you can get some caregiver support so that way you can escape for a lil while and as for ur family I would try to handle it politely but called them out for leaving you alone in this struggle. It is hard and its crazy and you never feel free but you have to take a Stand not only for your sanity but to get your family to get off their rear ends contribute to it. My sister looks after her husband's uncle besides taking care of a new baby and 3 older kids. We are also twins but my sister had a tendency to gripe and needed to get out of the mess but with her husband working then stuck to the tv didn't help her out much. We all end up caring for someone but you can fight this and I will be asking God to keep an eye on you. I do not know how long you been looking after ur loved one but I see it all and you need to seek therapy to help you cope and rationalized to give you some comfort that you are doing the right thing which you are. DO not let anyone walk all over you...fight for yourself. I agree with the flipping out part when that day comes when my hubby is gone I wouldn't know what to do with myself much less our kids. It can be a nasty trap if we let it become one but keep your faith and ur strength up. We are here for you.
Love ya,
Jam
We are not uncaring here, we just need to know what you want and expect from us.....you keep coming back, which is a good sign, but a doctor may be the one to see to your immediate needs. Good luck, and know we are concerned......
Debbie....this is a lot of stress and yes, check with your doctor and let him know what you are going through. He may have other suggestions also, and as young as you are, please get out for some form of exercise. That will always help. Something must be wrong with me, I am able to type much beetter today......
seeme.....it depends on the anesthesiologist, but Target said he has seen them put them to sleep at 20% capacity. So don't give up yet. ladee are you talking about an epidural? ehhh.....could be done, but not likely. seeme I'm sending prayers for a positive answer from the surgeon.
indyrose......of course you belong here! And what a great pleasure for you to have such an easy care giving job. We all have days when things run smoothly, then things fall in the toilet the next day. Enjoy this time that you have, because yes it could get worse and most likely will.....remember you are dealing with a disease that cannot be reversed and only continues downhill. But you have a brother that is willing to help out which is a blessing. Remember the post that started this thread was if you breezed through the care giving we also want to hear from you, because perhaps you can offer some fresh ideas for those of us who are considering pillow therapy. We are happy you are here and hope you decide to hang out with us.
Time for bed now.......
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Debbie, yes go to the Dr. and tell him, without all the anxiety we can think better and come up with things to redirect them or ourselves.. let us know if you get something to help you.. Most of us are on antidepressants or meds for anxiety... so no shame here...
Ro, I am sorry you are so tired.. I am worried about you.. I know you are going thru another adjustment with your mom, and I am sending you a Texas sized hug and lots of love and appreciation for what you are going thru.. love ya bigger than the sky...
Love and need you all, hugs across the miles....
I sometimes feel like I don't belong here because taking care of my folks has been a walk in the park compared to most of you! The "heated arguments" are usually between my Mom and Dad or my Dad and husband -- and are almost always about dirty laundry (or such smelly things...)
Dad doesn't quite "get it" that Mom is reduced in function. Today he was berating her for not putting her soiled pads in the trash... Dad, she doesn't remember where they are supposed to go when she takes them off.. "But the trash is Right Here!!!" He just can 't see that the Alz has robbed her of seeing things like that. It's the same when she puts away clean clothes in their drawers -- every which way -- or takes FOREVER to get dressed in the morning... Patience, Dad, patience!
My son (19) asked me to PLEASE clean the bathroom he shares with them. "Why can't YOU clean it for your grandparents??" -- "If I try, I'll puke!" Well, it wasn't THAT bad, but it did need it. Grandpa misses frequently, and had done so more than usual...
My brother's coming over tomorrow for the weekend, so we can get away to (my husband's) family reunion. No hassles when I asked him to stay, but I did write a three page instruction sheet, and told him to brush up on the Heimlich maneuver.
We all had dinner at my in-laws house tonight -- the "healthy" ones... MIL cooked lasagna dinner, and grape pie dessert. FIL talked of his latest trail ride -- he goes on the major bike trails throughout OH, MI, IN, and IL...They'll be leaving early tomorrow to help set up the hotel for the rest of the extended family.
This is why I'm not too sure I really belong to this forum. I know it could very suddenly get worse, but right now -- "The Caregiver -- how do YOU feel?" -- I'm doing pretty good, actually..
Love and Hugz,
Jam
It was a long day today but the net result is this. She has 34 % lung capacity of a normal person. So that places her moderately-high to high risk level to not recover from the anesthesia. He is not saying whether or not she should have it, just that she is a high risk paatient. She also had a chest x-ray and aterial blood gas check. All results will be sent to the surgeon and we probably won't hear anything from her till next week.
Just before we checked in at the pulmonary office, mom had to go to the bathroom. What a mess !!! I was praying the whole time that she would have a better outcome, cause something HAS to be done. Neither one of us can keep going on like this.
Burned......you do sound so much better !! I hope yu come back soon and give us even better news. As far as the kids not listening, I hope you have watched Supernanny at times. That works every time. My mom NEVER said anything she didn't mean, and she always followed through with it. If it was 9am and she said we were going to get a whipping when dad came home, there was nothing we could do the rest of the day to erase that whipping. We were 6 kids just 6 years apart oldest to youngest. If we were grounded, we were GROUNDED. There were consequences for our behavior. And I wouldn't have had it any other way. There were two words that would get us slapped immediately....NO and WHY....and that woman was 5 ft 2 in and 105 lbs and could put the fear of God in you.
Jam, you know you will have to keep up with the glasses...try to make her wear them all the time, then she's not as likely to lose them. Hubby lost a $400 pr by not wearing them all the time. Now he gets them from Walmart.....in the Health and Beauty section !!! hahaha
emjo.....in case I haven't said this before, you are just a little cutie on here.!!! I love to see your name on a post. It just makes me happy......
YR.......ask a little earlier about coming ove to eat.....why keep asking just when I have finished ?? lol I think I know the answer to that.............
Well, I am pooped, so I am turning in....
Good luck with the meds, John............catch you all tomorrow.......zzzzzzzzzzz
YR, are you staying home for your vacation or are you getting to go somewhere??? I think that is my problem, I need to see new scenery for a few days.... and happy to hear your brother is helping out... My Diva says to tell Pipper Hi, but from a distance!!! The Diva has major personality disorder,,, hugs to everyone, and Seeme, like Jam, am waiting to hear how things went today... We all need to know you see a light at the end of the tunnel... hugs to everyone again..
Well for those of you having a good day, hallelujah; and for those of you not having a good day I send prayers and hugs to you.
I am tired and my neck is sooooooooooooo sore. I have been working my butt off at work trying to get ready for my vacation next week. I am not looking forward to coming back to work after a week off. Oh Lord, my desk will be piled sky high!
I found out today that my dads regular caregiver will be staying with him until my brother comes over at 8pm so that makes me feel better. I am more relaxed if he has someone who is familiar with him and also I don't like having so many different people in my house when I'm not here. Ya know.
My Pipper kitty is sitting here looking at me. She nudges my arm with her cold, wet nose so that I will pet her. And of course I do.
Ummmm, I have a pot of lentils simmering on the stove and they sure do smell good. Come on over for dinner. We're having sourdough bread to.
Gotta go, dads getting restless. Hugs to you all, your the best!
The col's eye appt went very well......but even when we were picking out frames she still insisted she can read her newspaper without a problem....:) She must have bifocals. Oh boy is that going to be fun helping her learn how to use them. I keep telling her how surprised she will be when she discovers there is a bright world out there. We took her to Wal-Mart vision center....walked in the door and the first thing out of her mouth was "oh good we're going shoppy-shoppy". Got a little nasty when I told her we were not. Stopped to eat before heading home and she wanted a Reuben and when waitress came to take the order all she could say was a hamburger....I ordered her the Reuben and as she was eating it she couldn't tell us what it was. But she argued all through her meal that she didn't need anyone to watch her during the day, and besides no one does anything, she does it all. Oh please. Target has no patience with her at all. Her memory is pretty much nonexistent now. But that is probably going to be easier to deal with.
seeme....I imagine you are very tired....will be waiting impatiently to hear how mom's test went.
ladee.....hope Marie was not too grouchy when she got home.....that's got to be so tiring for her. But I'm glad she has you to take care of her.
Col is wandering around outside.....better go see.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
I did not get any relief today. The doctor said I was back to feeling tired like in January because I still weigh too much and have gained 5 lbs back from last month. I'm 5ft 7in and weigh 255. Since February, I have come down from almost 280, but he wants me @ 135, but my primary physician would be happy when I get to 180. I met with a dietitian recently who agreed that 135 was unrealistic, even if I were completely sedentary. She thought 180 is a more realistic goal as well. BTW, I've been carrying this extra weight around for about the last 9 years. Nine years ago, I weighed 226 when I did power lifting contests and Tae Kwon Do. All of that has gone by the way side over the years.