This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
And oh yes, I can be more assertive, have no problem with that at all, keeping my mouth SHUT is my full time job... !!!!
cobi, don't ya just hate it when people have all those well meaning things to say, I have learned to say, " thanks, but no thanks, for that unsolicited advice." Or when someone gushes over the fact my profession is caregiveing of Alz. patients...Oh what an awesome calling, Oh you must have the patience of a saint, Oh how do you do that, isn't it hard... hell, some days breathing in and breathing out is hard, my job has nothing to do with it... but I just smile, and say nothing....they would never understand, so I don't bother...
burned, you sound so much better, am very happy for you!!! and as emjo said, God is still in the miracle business...
My leg is swollen and hurts this evening, going to go prop it up and chill for a little while...hugs across the miles....
John - let us know what happens - sure hope there is a relatively easy solution
seeme - we got rain too! good luck with moving clothes and "straightening ur house out
vic - some sibs are better at a great distance - I have one and she is like that - no help at all - better to accept it and move on - praying that u and dh get a break together
cobi - hi - sounds like some locks are in order - those "well meaning people: pffffft!
jam - hope the eye apptmt went well - wonder how they know?
ladee - be MORE assertive - think u can do that lol - as far as tongue sticking out and raspberries - we all like to think of ourselves as so mature and coping so well - and for the most part we are and do, but the child still lives inside, and ya know what? they are still part of us and help to make life a little more fun and a little more bearable - think that's why I loved having kids - got down on the floor and played with them - quote from a psychotherapist service - "The Inner Child refers to that part of each of us which is ultimately alive, energetic, creative and fulfilled;" yeah, I think so. Sticking my tongue out made me feel more alive...
burned - hi u do sound like things are going better for you - God is still in the miracle business - so glad
here having a lovely day - my man breezed in from the horses late last night and we are having a quiet day sorting out some stuff. He lit a fire in the fireplace to burn old papers, it rained and I am as relaxed as can be and my cough is better. Been checking out personal trainers. Then I realized that this hiatus will not last for ever. Mother will be released from hospital in a week or so... and then who knows, but guaranteed it will not be good or easy. Oh well, life goes on.
Love and blessings to all ♥♥♥
Now all there is left to do is get my son in head start and get my daughter school clothes and shoes at least better sandals since we live out here in rural Az. I miss socializing with people so mainly use the internet. I am lil calmer today than I have been so I believe God is working a miracle for my family. I found out my sister has to get her gall bladder removed which prolly already happen here soon after giving birth to her 4th child. I give hubby condensed version of how I love him etc ...he laughs he thinks its cute bit rude but just a riot with him.
I guess you can say today that I am loving my life lil bit more.. so peace n god bless to all...if you want to get to know me better can call or text me 520-308-9969. I am grateful for ur patience and support...to make friends across the miles everyone stay safe and blessed.
Long day.. had a great talk with Marie and Sonny's daughter this evening... she asked me how things were going, I told her Marie will not let me do anything for her, she said be more assertive, it's a game she is playing... alrighty then.. the daughter looked so frazzled today when she came to pick up Marie, I had to give her a hug... Marie was moaning and groaning so I look at "L" ( the daughter) and she just rolled her eyes.. so the dynamics are starting to unfold... Just will be happy to get my check tomorrow and call it a week.
Vic, thanks for all the uplifting things you say... you are appreciated here...and I am sorry your brother is a butthead... you'll figure something out.... and be able to take pride in the fact you didn't have to ask him again.. good luck...
Jam, sorry that Heather might not work out... but sounds like you have planned ahead,,, How can an eye Dr. tell with an Alz./dementia patient if they need glasses or not?? I am being serious I am interested...what technique do they use..???
John, I have heard that what you have is so hard to get the meds straight and to keep you level... I pray you get some good answers today and start to feel better.. happy to see you here again..
Seeme, what did the Dr. say??? Can she have the surgery, and if not, what are they planning to do???? Did hubby still take off and help you today???
I will check back later, gonna take a shower and get comfortable... love you all and hugs across the miles.....
Going to try and get caught up a little.....have spent time most of the morning learning how the front patio is going to be repaired from the mess the original person did.
I sure hope you can get all your medications straightened out John. It's frustrating when it seems like no one is conferring with each other on what is being prescribed. The Physician's Desk Reference publishes a drug interaction book and it is so nice to be able to look at it when new meds are prescribed.
Debbie.....has Grama gotten over being mad? Anymore when the col starts yammering on something I just look "through" her. It's a lot better than letting her push my buttons, and when it's all said and done, I'm the only one still mad and hurt.....her memory has allowed her to forget and go on to something else entirely.
Today is eye appt day for the col. I wonder how hard she will argue when they tell her she needs glasses. She still denies that she reads the paper with a magnifying glass....:) she says "I just look at the pictures"....LOL.
Hope everyone else is having a super day.......check in and say hello so we know you're still out there.....thinking of all of you today!
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Vic....you're welcome....and this thread belongs to all of us. Don't you feel a little better when you can let go, even if it's just for a minute? I know there have been times when I have ranted and raved and written a book here, and by the time I'm through and reread before I hit the submit button, I erase a lot of what I had previously written because it didn't seem that important anymore. And I feel better.
christie........what's their (co-workers) excuse? Lack of knowledge. Until they have walked in your shoes they have no idea what it takes each and every day to take care of a loved one. And there is nothing worse than someone telling us it's no different than taking care of a child. HAH and double HAH! Children are able to learn and when you set limitations, they know if they go beyond those, there will be consequences. An elderly person with dementia is unable to learn, the brain is dying and cannot absorb any information that lasts, so when you say "you cannot go outside or walk to the store" that thought is gone within a few minutes and it's like you never opened your mouth. The col would get it into her head that she needed to get the mail....we are rural and live on a very busy 2-lane highway and you have to put yourself in a vulnerable place to open the mailbox. Then she started going after her dog when he went outside to potty, even though we had told her over and over that he will come back, and she was walking to our pond, which is about a 20' drop off the edge. So we installed a chain link fence and put a key only deadbolt on her front door. Now she can walk the backyard all she wants, the gates are locked with a padlock, but she can't get out the front door and become a grease spot on the highway. Just saying that might have to be something to consider if you are afraid Dad is going to wander away. And just smile at your co-workers and thank them for their "helpful" advice......maybe you could ask them how they would handle one of their children if they wandered away and they didn't know where they were? Get them on your side and perhaps next time they will be more understanding. I know you would rather throw a stapler at them, and that WOULD be more fun, but then you would have to be put in time out......:)
The col has an eye appt today.....and it's funny she keeps badgering me about the dentist....yes that's next. Six months ago she adamantly refused the dentist. She thinks they will be able to just veneer her front teeth. Don't think so.
Guess I can be lazy for a little longer, care giver should be here any minute.....I wish I had been able to do this a long time ago.
I'm wishing a beautiful day for everyone with a little bit of peace thrown in for good measure.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
I pray for each and everyone of you! This thread has been the best! Thanks Jam for starting. It is such a safe place to come where everyone understands, gives cheers, hopes, and advice. Thank you! Pray you all have the best day possible.
Yes, Ladee, I got rain lst night and I must say we needed it, too. We are in a severe drought, but we got 2 in at least. Maybe it will put out the fires and we won't have to smell smoke. Yesterday the air alert was code red. You are on the list for rain also.
Kathy had a good night, and when I get finished with this, I must start getting ready for the dr appt. We won't have any answers yet except whether or not she's passed the breathing test......maybe. Then I guess we just wait for the surgeon to call us or make another appt.
Yes, I am so very glad we have each other, too. I do miss Starri, but we have so many like emjo and vic who stick around and listen to us. YR and Debbie, Rosella and her cats, and Lulu. I wish others would take advantage of this thread so they could get some relief and understanding, also. Essie, soverytired, alwaystired. We could be their safe haven and their family.
Guess it will be late before anyone hears from me again. Kathy is wanting to go through mom's cloets again, they are so stuffed, we need to get some things out that she won't be wearing for a while and pack them upstairs before the house leans toward that side. If I put them upstairs, I can even out the weight distribution !!
Everyone have a good day............later
Oh and Jam thanks for the thoughts of rain, maybe it will get here one day...
Ladee! *cute little hearts*...I'm glad there will not be a pac man chomping at your butt tomorrow! Truly...very...glad. :) Have fun with Sonny!
Everyone! "Tweet tweet" :)
Ladee - enjoy the peace tomorrow!
if it helps anyone - as it did help me - I used to (and not so long ago) stick my tongue out at my mother behind her back when she was ranting. Didn't do anything for her but it relieved my tension a bit!
let's all do one collective raspberry - ready, set, goooooooo!!!!
hugs and love ♥
Ok, I wrote to everyone, got almost finished, for some reason I hit submit, everything went dark, lost everything and never finished the other one...
So tomorrow I will have a whole brain cell and will try to say hi to everyone....
Yes, very patient with Ms. Grumpy Guss today, other than keeping me calm, didn't phase her one bit....Her daughter and I had a few minutes to chat today and she just said what I have observed, Marie just sets and complains about not feeling good, so will adjust my self to her situation and still have fun with Sonny... if she is going to be angry no matter what, might as well enjoy my time with one of the sweetest little guys I have ever met... She will be gone all day tomorrow, to get her blood transfusion, so Sonny will be my shadow...... At least it will be pleasant and I won't feel like one of those pac man characters are chomping at my butt!!! And Ya'll know I am going to find humor in this,, God help me to not bust out laughing when she is upset about something.. I won't be laughing at her, just the nonsense that goes thru my own mind.... will try to get to everyone in the morning... love ya'll and hugs across the miles...
Vic - I am sorry about your brother, but I don't think it will change, and forget the sil altogether. I talked and cried with my favorite sister last night, she is so worried that I am over my head and can no longer take care of my mom. She is worried about my BP and nerves and that I seem angry. I was before I came here, but not so much now. I screwed up mom's medicine and was beating myself up over it, and it was from fatigue. In all her talking, she never mentioned once about coming here and relieving me. she was here in early May for Mother's Day with her daughter and baby grandson for a week, so I guess she has done her "duty" this year. Another sister always has so much going on she just can't get away or she brings grandchildren that have issues, like they need to go to the beach, and I sit and wait for them to get here. I figure they have been here, know what the score is, and if they just want to breeze in and out, so be it. Whatever. Last time I told the second sister she had to stay at a motel. Piss on her.
Christie....Dinner? Beach trip? Movies? What are those things. I know the words, but I don't know what they mean anymore. Right with you, girl. !! And I've gained 35 lbs., mainly due to coke. Need the caffiene, never drank coffee. If I could, I would just run around with a coke IV. No matter how much I drink, I always fall asleep easily.
ASG.....why is they never see their own messes and complain about everyone else's? Same thing here.
emjo...I am POA and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have discussed money with one sister, but since mom lives with me, that is the way it is. If anyone else doesn't like it, they can take mom, but they won't I also handle all finances. I have my own code of ethics, I guess you could say, having been a bookkeeper for years. She doesn't have enough money for me to steal and I don't "charge" her for anything. I can't offer any advice to you on the issue.
essie...You need to stay here and learn what the caregivers here have to offer you in the light of experience and craziness. We may get stupid, but laughter is the best medicine. We are not all happy all the time, but there are funny sides to this job that are laughable, and maybe a little gross.
Indy...I am keeping your blender idea in the back of my mind. Mom has trouble swallowing from a stroke, and has a hard time eating meat when she needs the protien, so I will file it. Thanks for the info.
Yea, Debbie....that is the way to handle grama !! Good gorl ! Now if only Lulu could remind grama during the day. Wish that little cutie could talk. What's for dinner? I had leftover pizza......
Hope Ladee had a good day with Marie. She's probably killed Marie with kindness. She may have checked in already since this has taken so long to do with interruptions. And mom said I was so damn mean cause I yelled at her to stand up. She scared the _______ out of me. Hard to hold her up , wipe her butt, pull up diaper and pants, and get her to the bed, when she is like a wet noodle, and she's pissed at me !!!!
Kathy comes tonight, so that means I get 2 nights sleep in a row. I still don't feel refreshed. Probably have sleep apnea myself. Oh, well...............
YR - i find it interesting that you say looking after an Alz sufferer is a snap compared with looking after someone who is unhinged - believe me anyone with BPD narcissism etc are unhinged - in my mother's case she is also very intelligent which may make it harder. With counseling i have been realizing i have been caregiving my mum and my dad when he was alive, off and on most of my life, including breaking up fights between them before i was a teen, Yes, stress takes it's toll on us physically. Thank Goodness, I knew it was them and not me, (mum - BPD, dad - alcoholic) even at an early age.
God bless you all! You are an amazing group of people.♥
Ladeeda, I sure could use Sonny to pick up sticks, we had a massive storm last night and the trees dropped sticks everywhere! Pictures on fox news.
Christieoby, your life sounds so much like mine and others on here. I have a cg who comes in so I can go to work and I come home immediately after work . No social life, I gave that up 4 yrs ago. My husband and I go places separately. My daughter has her learners permit (help) so one or the other of us takes her driving. This life is hard on a marriage and teenager.
Essie, you are a dear soul to have cared for so many.
Rossell, right on to letting go of how it SHOULD be and accepting it the way it IS.
Wishful thinking should have no place in this caregivers life.
I used to get so stinking mad because my bro. wouldn't help out but I took the above advise and it sure helps keep the stress level down. That's not to say that I don't get pissed anymore but I just don't get that way all the time, like before.
I used to be like a volcano ready to blow.
My bro. wouldn't even come over for a few hrs so that hubby and I could go out and have dinner for out anniversary. He doesn't work, has no kids and my sil works all the time and is hardly ever home. But H E double hocky stick no, he can't put himself just a little.
But I must shut my mouth because he did agree to come over for 3 nights next week so hubby and I and teenager can go to the beach. He will come late and leave when the cg gets here a 7am. I'm just wondering if he will call me the night before and say he can't come. (he's done that before}
Emjo, you are so right about the stress and sickness. WOW, it sure can mess us up if we're not careful.
I do have to say though that since my mother is gone, the stress level here is down by 80 %. Actually cg someone with Alzheimer's is a snap compared to cg someone who is mentally unhinged. I sure do sympathize with all of you who still have to deal with that.
Well, I need to go do stuff so here's hoping we all have a blessed, peaceful night.
And that's not wishful thinking either!!!!!!!!!
Vic: My honest advice is to stop hoping that your brother will help you. Many of us have abandoned that hope.
Christie: yes our social life is gone. I know very well the problem and I know very well the problem of having little money, too. Try to find some free time for yourself, though, try to take a few days of vacation... Even if it means to eat bread and onion for one week in order to pay for an extra help.
Emjo: Yes you are perfectly right. The heart suffers physically when it suffers emotionally. ((((you are sweet))))
Essie: my goodness how many people you had to take care of. You are an heroine.
Indyrose: thanks for the tip about babyfood, but we were talking about cats who don't have appetite because they are not well! Of course it is a measure we adopt just once in a while!
'Night everybody
Everyone (including new people), I am just very thankful for you all, I just can't answer all the posts so just know that I am thinking of all of you and you are all in my prayers and I am very hot and sweating because the oven is on...just know that, oh and Lulu also loves you...know that too...oh and don't forget about Jesus he loves you too! :)
Seeme I will pray for your mom extra tonight because I know what cancer is like, and that goes for anyone who is caring for someone with cancer or if you have it yourself.
I came home from work to a nagging Grama, and she just wouldn't stop so I calmly said " Grama is it going to be like this all night? Do I need to leave for awhile"? and she stopped, heh. Woohooooooo!
Lulu is currently eating a sunflower seed, but she sends her love. "Tweet tweet".
Now I must go check on dinner.