This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Hi christie and welcome to the family! Friends who have never been care givers have absolutely no clue whatsoever that title entails. And until they do it, they still won't get it even if you explain it over and over. You have friends who help a little bit? Good for you and bless those friends. Are they good enough friends that sometimes they might be persuaded to help a little longer to allow you some time out? Or maybe you could trade something with them. For instance cook dinner for them one night and in exchange they sit with Dad while you go out. True friends are going to understand that things are tight financially for you. If they don't, then they are not friends, only acquaintances. Siblings? ehhhh.....they're not as great as some think they are. You will find in reading a lot of posts here, that the sibling support system is not very strong. Some are selfish, some can't handle the responsibility, some see what happens mentally and physically and refuse to subject themselves. Then there are those of us who are doing the job and ask at least once a week.....ARE WE NUTS???????? But we keep plodding along knowing that we aren't going to get our reward here........we depend on each other to be a cheering section when we get down in the dumps.
I love and appreciate each and every one of you and worry when you're going through an especially rough time. That's what family does.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Just installed the locked key holder on the front door of the col's house, so we won't have keys out there everywhere. Of course, the col starts questioning me on what the code is.....uh, sorry you don't get the code, this was done for a reason. Wouldn't matter anyway since she would never be on the other side when the keys are there. But then she decided to try and talk me into taking her shopping at a mall. She does well to walk across the floor from her kitchen to her couch....she could never make it through a parking lot and mall. And she confessed to being outside this morning pulling weeds.....I reminded her AGAIN that she is not to do that. I saw that she is scratching her legs again, so I guess after supper tonight it will be more Benedryl....seems to work for her. The itching stops, and she takes a nap.
Will check back later with everyone..........
Love and Hugz,
Jam
BiG hugs too (((((((vic)))))))))) - those blankety blank sibs - it isn't right!!!
jam - have a great break at the hairdressers - look beautiful!
ASG - u are soooo patient - and manage sooooo much -
ros - u have been on my mind so much since you posted about your heart - if u have been checked out physically it could well be grief - adjusting to ur mum going downhill - grief is very physical and can feel lead a lead weight on ur chest, difficulty breathing, fatigue and what u are doing to relieve stress is great. Sometimes a good cry help and u feel better after
ladee - WOW! way to go - u are a good example - I am impressed with how u dealt with Marie - WELL DONE!
debbiecakes - hi to u and lulu - glad u love ur job - sounds like a good thing in ur life
deefer hi - u have some good understandings
seeme - i am still clearing mothers things out of my house nearly 2 yrs later (packed up her apartment when she moved and brought it up here to sort - couldn't stay down there to do it). - not an easy job
YR - your patience is inspiring
stormy ((((((((hugs)))))))) tough place to be - hope u find some resources to help - I agree with the others about the whistle - aaaargh!
((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) to anyone and everyone else
on my front, my mum has been transferred to a hospital with rehab and I am waiting to hear how it is going - i am assuming that no news is good news - she is p*ssed at me for not going along with a crazy scheme she had so I heard about it third hand - what's new - I am looking for someone else to take POA as with her BPD as she plays too many games with me - the POA is just in case, as she is still quite capable of looking after her own affairs. I think someone out of the family would be better - any advice welcome
have a good day ♥♥♥
Just a quick hello to everyone.....have a hair appt this morning...yippee for me!
Vic........take a deep breath.....take another one for good measure. Now keep breathing while I am gone....:)
Had to go take the bbq potato chips away from the col, change her undies and wash the dried poop off her butt....now gotta run to the salon.
Will finish this when I get back.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Dad had terrible nigt which means we didnt get much sleep and I figure the day is shot..
I am better about helping with others problems than my own...
Just needed to vent
Ladee, tomorrow is the day we go to the lung doctor. There is still no date set for surgery because it hasn't been determined that she is a candidate for surgery. When she broke her hip and we found the breast cancer, there was no "determining if she can have surgery". They just did it. This fistula is just the same to us, except it costs more in supplies and antibiotics. Live and learn, I guess.
And I think that is why Sonny picks up sticks and helps me do things around the house, it makes him feel useful, and keeps him on a schedule of not sleeping out of boredom.... and he could set outside and listen to the birds for hours, it really relaxes him..... hope Marie is feeling better today, will show her extra attention this morning.... I am so tired of TAKING CARE OF OTHERS, I want to just get in my car and drive until I run out of gas, oh well...
My cat Cocaine just eats "sheba patè". If I give him fish, chicken, whatever, he doesn't want it. He just eats "Sheba". I am seriously thinking of calling the Sheba company and say that he is perfect for shooting a commercial!!! At least they (my animals) could do something useful, work, and bring some money home!
Apart very few exceptions, getting old (very old, I mean), Alzheimer or not, is a painful experience! No wonder the people we are taking care of, drive us crazy. They have to fight against their limits, and they don't accept they are not capable of doing the things they did before. My father died at 70 because he refused to accept that after a heart attack he had to be more careful with his life. He pushed, pushed, pushed until the end! I didn't understand him when it happened; I think I understand him better now. So, when we are in a good mood, we understand these things and we feel compassion for them; when we are tired and tense, we would like to kill them! Today I am in one of these days "I am sorry for my mother", tonight probably I will feel the desire of smashing a pan on her head.
That's all for now. I a going to take my babies (dogs) for a walk! They will swim in the river.
I am sad for you having to watch your mom become someone you no longer know... I have not had that experience, so can only imagine how hard it must be...It was different with Ruth, I saw her change, but she was not my mom. I did not have all the memories of different times with her.. I had always know her with Alz...I am sad for the grief you are feeling. I have heard it said family members loose their loved one twice, once to Alz, then to death. That is double grief and hard to process...just know that I love you, appreciate you and I am here for you any time...
And also to let you know the "baby food" suggestion for the Diva is working... still giving her the other medicine, but at least she is eating now.. So you are very loved my across the sea friend.... let us know how things are going for you....hugs across the miles....Oh and the David Copperfield character is also Marie!!!!!
Vic I admire your courage to face a difficult situation with 2 people to take care of. I have just one, I have 2 helps and I am getting crazy.
Seeme: we have to find a way to relax a little bit! Our mothers are very similar and we both know what we are talking about.
Yeahright, my mother has a total memory loss too; she doesn't remember anything of this house where she has been living for 2 years and a half. It's very painful to see her like this, and the sorrow I feel for her is part of my stress, too! You feel completely helpless...
Debbie: the 4th of July for me is the day my cousin got married! And it was a very hot day, No, really, I love the 4th of july, I always celebrated it with my American friends. Does your grandma complain all the time? My mother was like this, until some years ago. She reminded me of a character of David Copperfield, one lady who sat all day close to the fireplace saying "How unhappy I am. How a miserable woman I am...". I don't remember the name of the character, but it would have been a good nickname for my mother.
Starri, I had a funny experience wit a GPS the only time I used it. I had to go back from the beach, and the GPS didn't agree with me about the choice of the route; I kept taking different roads than the ones he suggested and I swear "he" was more and more pissed with me. His voice changed!
Stormy, you could say to your father that if he whistles to call you, you won't come. If you give him bad habits, it's going to be worse and worse!
'night everybody
So happy to hear you are a few steps back from the black hole... we do spend a lot of time on the edge don't we.... and enjoy that pool. BG has one, but I do not want to listen to her, so I don't go over there.. Should have done ti while they were away this past weekend...just didn't think about it.. too damned hot to go outside....love ya and glad you got away for awhile...
Guess I should try and get some sleep, I have a hair appt in the morning....color and cut. We're in a thunderstorm watch right now and it looks like rain is unavoidable. The garden will be happy but I get so tired of wiping up little wet paw prints off the hardwood floors. And the col won't put her dog out without us making him go. Tonight he growled at me when I picked him up. He probably should be glad he still has stitches in his butt.....keeps me from putting a foot up there.
Hope everyone has a good night.....peaceful with good dreams.....
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Ladee, okay.
Everyone, Hi.
"Tweet Tweet"
Bye. :)
Jam, thanks for the wishes for good luck. It's nice to have the casinos close, but not too close. Can become addicting! Happy to hear you are getting more help! It does make a difference.
Seeme, what can I say? Your Mom sounds like a terror! Have you tried redirecting her when she gets on a subject? I know with my mom, the dementia is fairly advanced, with hallucinations and much memory loss. We do not answer her questions with the truth if it will upset her. Instead we change the subject and move on, or just nod or agree with what she says. Makes it so much easier for her and us. I remember when my grandmother died at 93. She was still sharp as ever, but Mom's dad was not. We found out why she was always so exasperated with him. He had dementia. Of course that was over 20 years ago and when he would ask where is my wife, we would always tell him she had died. Little did we know, that we were going to make him grieve all over again every time we answered him truthfully. Mom is now like he was, only more advanced and redirecting her attention really does work.
Well, I actually got in my pool this evening, and it felt really good! Going to be hot all week, so looking forward to a few naps in the pool. Wish you could join me!
YR, my mom hollers after she has slept some, but I can't tell if it comes from dreams or what. Usually she screams for dead people. Today she wanted to know who was still alive in her family cause everyone she wanted to talk to was dead. Or, she gets on a kick of repeating everything she hears. Can't tell you how many times I heard "not guilty" today.
Well, it is late for me on the East Coast, so I must say good night and sweet dreams..........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
YR, O M G, do I ever relate to the questions, and they are almost verbatim to what Ruth would ask... When she really did not know this was her house anymore, she would get so anxious, I would tell her some very loving people who knew her had given us this place to live and we could stay here as long as we wanted. She would almost cry with relief.. and yes it it nerve wracking and yet so sad to watch this happen to someone you love.. Ruth was not my mother, but she was a friend, and I did and still do love her very much... I still miss her and will for a very long time....I hate this disease... hugs to all
I meant wipe a dirty butt......and pull instead of pukk
welcome Stormy, yes, pretty much everything you have to do is gross. As Jam said, can you afford to get some help... Please keep coming back, we are here for YOU.
Seeme, Is there no diagnosis for this kind of behavior for someone with an aneurism ??? I don't know what is more stressful, constant potty trips or the hollering. Any word from the Dr yet??
Jam how did the new girl work out today???
Starri, I am so PROUD you did not kill him and tell God he just died!!!! Good girl...
emjo, how is it for you today???
Debbie, I have my days and night mixed up, so you never know when you will see me post...
Well, the honeymoon is over with my job... Marie was on a tear today, had to go to the Dr. blood work, ect. She was grumpy before she left, I understand, I really do, she doesn't feel good, dreading her next transfusion, weak, but she sure was snapping at Sonny a lot this morning... I just went about my business, but was observing.....
When she got back, got settled, she said, "so what all did you two do, just set and watch the birds", in a really hateful tone of voice....I just stood there for a few seconds, choosing my words very carefully.... Acknowledged that I was sure she did not feel good and I was sorry for that, but that I always do my work, and take care of Sonny while she is gone, and would really appreciate it if she would not take her feeling bad out on me... Thank You, walked into the kitchen... she was pouty for awhile and I just went on like everything was ok... No ma'am, I will nip this crap in the bud before it becomes something she thinks she can do without consequences....Sonny is so easy going, follows me around like a puppy, helps with anything I ask, and he can not HELP what is going on with him... Neither can she, but she still has her mind, chooses to do many things on her own, then no, it is not ok for her to take her feeling bad out on me.... That is NOT part of my job description... I have been at this too long, I am very clear that I am flexible, will put up with a lot of crap in order to do my job.... but I also know from experience if I did not say something right away this would start to be an ongoing thing and I am not going to do it..... I can move to Jam;s, I can move to Seeme's, I do NOT HAVE to work for this lady.... I have jobs offers where they already know me, and know that talking stupid to me will accomplish nothing.....And please, no one waste any time telling me to be understanding of her not feeling well. I am very aware of what her limitations are... get some counseling to deal with it, get on some anti depressants, but talking stupid to the caregiver is not going to help you feel better....
For those of you that have known me for awhile, you know the crap I put up with BG, because from jump I should have gotten in her face... long story for those who don't know the hell that abusive daughter put me thru about her mom...
Lesson learned... and either Marie meets me half way here or I will be making other arrangements...I have a ton of my own stress, but I walk in there EVERY morning with a smile on my face, do my job without her having to tell me anything, and no way are we getting started down this little road of "we can talk to the caregiver how ever we choose"... Nope, BG taught me some tough lessons, and I read enough on here about taking care of myself... Yes, I do this by choice, and that also means I have the choice to not work for someone who thinks talking to me any old way is ok......And yes, I had a BG flashback when she said what she did, and how she said it... I wanted to say, so F^^king what if we did just watch the birds, it made him happy... So for those of you who have paid caregivers come in to your homes, especially ones that do their job, respect their charge AND the family, take into consideration we have lives outside of your world, that we don't eat, sleep and drink your loved one... And I know a lot of this is my own stress, that is why I chose my words very carefully and said them in a loving tone of voice....
So that is my vent for the day.. I feel better. I know I will go in there tomorrow like nothing ever happened, and just go about my business....so thank ya'll for listening to me stomp my feet, and say NOOOOOO......
Will come back and get caught up with everyone later... love ya'll and hugs across the miles..
Always tired.....When my mom does stuff like that to me, I pretend I don't understand, so she better speak up......what we have to go through.....
Stormy, you certainly have a high maintenance dad. I didn't know one could whistle with a trach. Have you tried telling him how that makes you feel. Just a thought.
Seemeride, about the sundowners. Around 4:30 pm or there abouts dad starts to ask questions, LOTS of questions. "Can I go outside, are there any chairs out there to sit on, where am I gonna sleep, are we staying here tonight, is there a bed in there, who's gonna sleep with me, it's dark out I'm afraid of the dark, is the door locked, are the windows down and locked, why is that blind down, my eyes itch and burn, do your eyes itch and burn" and on and on and each question is asked a bizillion times. During the day he is pleasant, asks some questions but mostly naps and watches tv. But late afternoons he becomes anxious and more confused, doesn't want to watch tv and the questions start.
The other morning when I got him up I told him to come to the bathroom and brush his teeth and he said "oh you mean I have a tooth brush here" and I said "of course, you live here" and he was surprised and I asked him if the bedroom looked at all familiar to him and he said no. He has been living here with me 4 yrs now.
It made me realize that his continuous questions are because he never remembers. How horrible it must be for him. He never know where he is, who's house he is in. Will he have a bed to lay down in when he is so tired he can't hardly talk. It must be a terrible state to be in. He is beginning to not want to sleep alone, I haven't figured that one out yet.
I feel so sorry for him and it is heartbreaking to see what has happened to him.
It is my poor little daddy's body but he's not in there.
But we get our laughs in often. The other night when I was putting him to bed he asked if he had to sleep alone and I asked him who he thought he should be sleeping with and he said "oh a young chic" we both laughed about that.
Who got the cow pattie?
Love and Hugz,
Jam