This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
When my psych. put me on nuvigil back in February, I had the energy to get out and walk which I did as part of a walking program for 11 weeks. I started out at 30 minutes a few times a week and then worked my way up to an hour or two a day. I lost weight, etc.
But instead of feeling great about all of that, I felt burned out and now I'm in this pit. I tried going to bed at 11 and laid there for an hour trying to get to sleep, but could not. I feel tired and am yawning, but I can't get to sleep.
Sunday, like many days last week I've been sleeping for about 10 or so hours once I do get to sleep, but do not feel rested. Personally, I wonder if my doctor should not remove the lamictal from my medical cocktail and let abilify totally replace it?
I am glad that you understand where I am and not something one can just will themselves into being more active when one is in this drained, depressed state of being.
Indyrose, bless your precious heart. Your sentence about your mom having no social life and you walking on eggshells could have been written by me!
Its "momma drama trama". My mom had some depression to, but I think she had BPD to but was never diagnosed because she never went to the dr.
I studied up on mental disorders trying to find out what was wrong with her and she just didn't fit any one mold. Oh well. I just work on myself now and try to heal from it all.
Starri, have a safe trip and try to enjoy your down time after the funeral. I wish it could be a real vacation for you.
Debbie, you can come cook for me to!!!!
cmag, sorry your haveing such a rough time.
Ladeeda and emjo, thanks for being here and emjo, you go girl on that horse handleing stuff!!!!!! your amazing!!
it's off to bed for me, tomorrow I have to cook for the whole brood. Nighty night to all of you; vic, rossella, and anyone else I forgot.
I was booking my SIL her plane ticket this evening, asked hubby for her full name, he says "oh, just put Kathy" well you can't board a plane unless the name on the ticket matches what your passport or license says. Asked him for her birth date.
Gave me the wrong year, although she should have been flattered, as he made her two years younger than what she really is, and get this, he's on the phone with her, and says "I have" the information wrong, I'm like you "SOB", I didn't have the information wrong, YOU gave me the wrong information.
A lot of the airlines/online sites will not let you change information on the ticket, which will in turn make that ticket void and you will just have to eat the money, as it is now, the money they took out of my account for the first ticket, might be back in the account in 5 days. Plus they took out another 950.00 for the new one.
Told hubby that he had damned sure better have things right this time, if we have to book her another ticket, we were not going cause we could not afford the gas to get there.
Can I kill him? PLEASE? I already have a good place to bury him.
My Doctor and I (over at mental health) have added a antidepressant to the mix, Welbutrion, with all that I have and had going on in my life, the depression was trying it's best to sneak back in.
What other meds are you on?
Starri, we will miss you, know that you will be in our thoughts and prayers and we will be waiting to hear from you...hugs
Vic, I don't know if we get mad at THEM or just the damned monotony of the caregiving... I know for me I get bored with the repetition and then I find myself getting edgy...I have referred to myself as Chatty Cathy Caregiver, just pull the string and I will say all the caregiving reminders...But you have a good attitude and it helps me to read your posts,,, hugs to you
Indy, I felt so much better when Sonny and I could walk everyday... it is too hot now for him, and I can't do it in the evenings as my leg is sore and tired by then... and still too hot... so can't wait for fall this year... we need rain and it is too hot, I'm getting cranky..... hugs across the miles to all of you...
It's not something you do for other people. It's care you give yourself. It really does work, if you just use it.
In two years, I've lost 35lbs without dieting, I've had a ball going through aerobics routines, walking routines, dancing, yoga, and martial arts -- and right now I'm working up to running 5K (about 3 miles). I got most of these DVDs from the public library and do them in my basement. I'm 53. Email me if you want to learn more. It really helps depression and coping!!
You know I have been so blessed with such great parents. My dad was always my best friend and even though mom and I didn't get along when I was growing up we are having a pretty good time now. I am so grateful for this time. I guess that is one reason I feel so guilty for getting frustrated and wanting time away and being short etc etc...
I feel like we won't have much more time with dad and I should be giving him all that I can and many times right now all I want to do is strangle him! All the begging to 'drink your water', 'keep your feet up', ' lets sit back up' and on and on and on....
ok I am rambling.... ((((HUGS)))) to all and pray everyone has a good night. :-)
I had a good day. I worked all day, came home, cooked a delicious stirfry with all the yummy stir fry veggies and strips of beef that had been marinating in teryaki and soy sauce all night. I just ignored all the negativity and then made us all a milkshake! Yay! It was nice. Now I am just relaxing for awhile. I am whiped. No big ordeals today. :) Btw, sugar free vanilla ice cream blended with banana, peach and milk is freaking wonderful.
And emjo, I understood what you meant, because other than stories like Indy's, and my experience with Sonny, I hate this disease with a passion.... So Indy you are one of the few who get to have a positive experience with this... God bless you and God did see fit to give you your mom, even if you had to wait for many years...
And Starri to have a pic of your mom smiling... God does give us surprises now and again, and happy you were there to receive it.
I guess I give very little thought to who will be waiting for me on the other side.. I hope my mom is, I still miss her so much and it has been many years. And again emjo I am so sorry about your son, but he knows we still need you here. Need you in a good way, to be a part of this, to make some new friends, to laugh, he really does want you to laugh... and for us to know we will see your name on the thread and be happy you are here...
We still have places to leave our fingerprints ladies, so it won't be over until it is over... hugs across the miles to you all...
does it surprise your dad, that your mom now gives it back to him? lol, I could just picture his face the first time she did that.
I have a picture of my Mom, laying in her hospital bed there at the house with the first smile that I have seen on her face in years. I am grateful for that memory.
Alz has reduced her to a happy kid. (I count my blessings every time I read some of all the other trials going on!) We sing while giving her a shower, and make bathroom jokes (which she used to highly disapprove of), and commiserate about our husbands. Dad still teases her, and, where before she would have ran off to cry in her room, she now sends back barbs at him!! Or even tells him, "Shut up!" She has NEVER done that to my Dad before Alz!
Yes, it's robbed her of knowledge and awareness, but it has also relieved her of a lifetime of depression. I maybe I'm getting to see a side of my Mom I never knew.
Yeahright, you made a very beautiful and deep and true analysis of feelings that many of us have toward one of our parents (many times, toward the one we have to take care of. This makes things more difficult.)
I adored my grandmother's sister and if I had had to take care of "her", I would have done it with pleasure. With my mother, it is not as pleasant. My mother is not a bad person, not at all, but she has never been as loving and tender and "motherly" as my grand-aunt who practically raised me my first 3 years of life, when my mother preferred to hang out with her friends. And I am positive that my grand aunt will be the person who will wait for me when I go "to the other side"... I am not at least afraid because I know she will be here with open arms! This is the real love, I guess!
ladee -i understand - what would never be. I want to be past that point when mother dies - as much as possible. She could live another 10 years at the rate she is going and I am nearly 74. I look much younger and still can be active when I am healthier than I am now but that is a huge chunk of the time I may have left. the women live long on both sides of the family - into the 90's and keep pretty healthy. Mother will be the first one to break 100 if she makes it and she is aiming high, I am sure. Meanwhile we try to have lives of our own. I, for the first time in my life, briefly wrangled horses last winter and i want to learn to ride them again. (sig other - with amazed look on his face when I didn't now what to do when faced with run away horses "You mean to say you have never handled livestock???" - where would I have handled livestock? - in my backyard???) I have decided that I am getting past these illnesses and that's all there is too it! On that note time to bath, get presentable and get out of this house and get a little exercise.
Love and ((((((hugs))))) to all - I can so identify with so much of what you all write -yes ladee - we are human and thats OK - I like the "sometimes you are not OK and I am not OK but that's OK" ♥♥♥
Glenn (hubby) has done that to my Mom a couple of times. I've always made it a point that if we were BBQ'ing or it's a holiday dinner or even a just because to invite her over, to the point of offering pick up service. She turned me down again one Christmas, after she had about broke her neck getting to one of the brothers for Thanksgiving. I started bawling, and hubby picked up the phone called her back and told her what was on his mind. She showed up a hour or so later. While dinner wasn't quite the way I wanted it, she at least showed that time.
I took myself a 2 or so hour nap, sorry for those that haven't been able too. I've woke up in a better frame of mind, feeling better, and while I am sorry for having to get out of here for the reason it is, I am looking forward to the getting out part.
Glenn doesn't know it yet, but we are taking a couple of extra days, either before or after the service, I believe it's going to have to be after, but that is ok..
I sure can relate to you gals with the "dysfunctional" parents. My mom was something else. Still don't like to talk about it. But do understand the forgiving 70x7.
Thank God my poor little Dad is so sweet. He always had a very pleasant disposition. I really do think that my mom pushed him over the brink and that is a big part of why he is so demented now.
You know emjo, I thought to that I wouldn't shed a tear when she died. But I was really caught off guard when I mourned like a nut case at her death. She was always hyper critical of me and dumped guilt trips on me at all times; so of course I felt super guilty at her death.
I now realize that the mourning was for the mother/daughter relationship that would now never be. And I have worked through the guilt. I have come to the conclusion that I took wonderful care of her in spite of herself. I made sure she had the best medical care possible and everything she needed and most of what she wanted, (the little girl always trying to please}. And I insured that she had a peaceful death here in my home with hospice care. No more guilt trips, mother.
OK, enough of that.
Hope you all have a blessed day.
I figured the cow pattie was some kinda prize thing, but didn't know what you had to do to get one..lol... I appreciate the offer of going outside and getting me one, but around here, it's a matter of yards before you find one, just about everyone out here has either cows or horses in their yard..lol
Baby brother is wanting to go to town, he can't see for anything and has to have someone take him to town.. guess i will be nice and take him.. See ya'll in a bit, if I don't end up in jail for throwing him out of a moving car...rofl..
starri - you got it right - I am caregiving myself too and need to - can relate to some of the stories I read here ...