This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
emjo, you DO belong here.. I would think long distance care-giving has another whole kind of stress attached to it.... the not knowing from day to day, the trips you must have to make.... like Starri said, doesn't matter how we do the caregiving, it is stressful... so you keep coming here and sharing, we will relate to your feelings...we do tend to be a sensitive bunch here, thank God for friends....
I love the name Toonie, why did you name her that,,, what kind of cat is she...
YR, It's not been that long since your mom passed and crazy time or not, we still grieve it, plus your soul being exhausted on top of it all, so just know we are here for you when and if you get ready to talk about it..And yes the notes help us to not sound like the ones we care for... and no I can not change anyone, but I CAN change phone numbers and addresses.... if they can't find me, they can't bug me..
Debbie, why are you sick today????? But am happy to see you are back posting and seeing we love ya and care...
Jam, Let's see, maybe 5 kids out of school for the summer may be a good excuse for ASG, ya think???? The col will forget she ever had long hair, get her some of those old pink sponge rollers and let her go, you can always spray her hair and blow dry it, at least she isn't trying to climb the fence yet,,,, pick your battles.....Glad blind doggie is ok...I have a friend who could never remember "Heimlich" and called it "Herkermer", had to do that on my step daughter once.. that meat flew out and hit the wall, then we all got hysterical laughing from the fright of it all...I can still hear that meat hitting the wall...
And you are not a chicken, you are getting smarter... at least now when you turn around and walk out of the room she won't be alone......
Seeme, where are you?????
Yes, I am worried about Johnny too, hope everything is ok for him and his wife..
Ok, am going to do some cleaning, get it over with so I can enjoy the rest of the weekend...
Hugs across the miles to you all....
Welcome to the new posters....I think you will enjoy being here and we always love to make new friends. And we miss those who haven't posted for a while....HINT HINT!!!!
I've been lurking here for a couple of hours...finally caught up on posts.
Debbie you sound better today....I'm glad for that. Our "other daughter" hasn't posted for several days, so she's in time out. She'd better have a good excuse...lol.
To get everyone caught up.....the col got her hair cut yesterday and looked so darn cute.....took 10 yrs off her. Care giver gave her a nice bath, put her in clean clothes and she had a great day. Fed her supper then went down around 10 pm to put her to bed and she had slapped some hot rollers in her hair and just ruined her new do. It was cut for "wash and wear" so she would quit messing with the hot rollers. She yelled at me for a bit, I took the hot rollers away from her and put her to bed. Today, I'm the next best thing since peanut butter..."You're so good to me"....I guess it didn't hurt that I bought her some of her favorite snacks....cheesy popcorn and a bunch of chocolate pudding...lol. And her hair still looks really cute. She was wearing her snow-white hair past her shoulders and resembled an electrified Q-tip. She hasn't remembered yet that the rollers are gone....when she does I would appreciate a prayer sent in my direction.
Had a little excitement here earlier.....I was about asleep and we heard a funny noise....my blind poodle was eating and her airway obstructed. Hubby got to her and did the Heimlich and got it cleared! I've done CPR on a dachshund that was overcome with smoke in a house fire, yes it lived for a while, but this was a first for any of our dogs.
Has anyone heard from johnny? Rather worried about him and Miss Betty. I hope things are okay and they are enjoying the weekend with their children.
Everyone else, please send a short post to let us know how you are doing......or do we need to put you in time out with ASG?
I'm making Target go with me when I go to fix dinner for the col in case she has remembered the rollers......just call me a chicken.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
I took notes!!!!!!1
Indyrose, all I can say is choose your battles wisely. The older generation grew up in a different time. There weren't showers and freshly laundered clothes everyday. Some habits are hard to break. My dad has 2 showers a wk. His skin is very dry and fragile and he never sweats. Of course he has "spit baths" and clean clothes in between. But not clean cloths everyday unless he spills food on them.
But if it will make hubby happy and keep the peace just put their clothes into the laundry when they undress at night as someone else suggested.
Alwaystired, when we take on this care giving roll it is because we want the best for our loved one. But we need to do the best for ourselves to. Don't beat yourself up about putting mom in an ALF. It may be what is best for both of you.
Debbiecakes, I understand what you said about not wanting to talk about your situation because it is exhausting. I was there when my mom was still alive.
People would ask how we were and I would just say "fine". How could they ever know what I was feeling, they didn't live in the dysfunction. My mom had mental issues that made life miserable.
Mom died 3 mths ago and I find that I still don't want to talk about it because I am still exhausted deep down inside. I think you should take sometime and think about your situation and then do what you think is best at this time in your life.
Your grandparents are so blessed to have such a wonderful granddaughter who loves and cares for them. Just don't let YOU get lost in all of this.
Oh and I just love birds. I used to have some but found out that I was terribly allergic to them. Now I just enjoy the one's outside.
Emjo, anyone who quotes Betty D. is a friend of mine!!!!!!
When times get over whelming I just remind myself that I can't change others but I sure can change myself. Peace to you all.
Toonie sounds like a wonderful cat.. caught mine playing with a chipmonk the other day, she'd let it run for a while, then play some more, run a bit and then play some more, she finally got bored and let it take off.. For the most part, she just plays with them, only found one body that I knew she'd done it.
Amen on the "old age is no place for sissies"
We look forward to getting to know you.
Much love and blessings to all
Joan
She left me the double wide as well, but it comes with a 17,000.00 mortgage on it and there is no way I would be able to handle the payments on it, on the bike Hubby had to have, we're down to just under 13,000.00 from 15,000.00, My disability came through but it's only 935.00 per month, something happens to hubby and I am screwed. At least with the motorcycle, I stand a chance of resale.
Just got the bad news from my SIL that their brother in CT died this morning, I was hoping that hubby would be able to get up there and see him, prior to this, but when the daughter called last week and said that it was a bad time for company, I suspected this was what was up. Had a hard time trying to explain to hubby, that sometimes a family doesn't like to have others around during times like this, and it didn't matter he was "family" too.
Had to fight with Mom just to get her to let her son's come see her...actually she didn't let them, I told them to show up whether she liked it or not...they had to have the opportunity to visit prior to her getting where there was no chance of having a nice visit.
SIL wants to go to the service, but didn't have the money for the plane ticket, I did a quick search, found some reasonable prices, and told her to just tell me when, and the ticket would be sitting at the counter for her. I don't mind putting off the vacation for a month or two, to make this happen for her and for hubby.
They both got screwed from being able to grieve their mom's passing because of their father. Hubby has been harboring that resentment for 59 years. Told her she would be flying economy instead of the first class we flew her the last time.. Glenn had gotten a bunch of money for back pay, and she'd never flown first class, so we booked her a round trip in first.. She had a great time.
Anywho, still have not laid down yet, Hubby is in North Carolina riding with some buddies, he got the bad news but seems to be doing ok at the moment. Talk with you after a while...don't believe I will be going back over there this evening, the 'uglies" are done for the day, so I don't have to worry about that, not to mention the fact that the house is locked up and I have the only key..lol..
Big Hugs.
Ya'll want to repeat after me? I love my friends more than my siblings, I love my friends more than my siblings, I took time last night and tagged every damned thing that I got together, the note above the stuff that was look then donate went out the door by the "ugly" brother and friend, primarily the friend.. Afraid my temper went with it, by the time they were ready to leave, I was yelling.. either I am not speaking english or those two are about as stupid as they can possibly get. I am betting on the later.
I primarily concentrated on the stuff I needed to get prior to those idiots emptying the house, I told them this morning that the other brother was interested in the round shipping containers that are on the back porch, what does the friend have to go do? start snooping through them, and saying oh, that's all junk...I don't give a damned if it is.. it's not their right to decide who gets what.
My younger brother has never been spiteful, and right now, I feel he is being about as spiteful as he can get, he doesn't want anything and doesn't want anyone else to have anything.. maybe I will get lucky tomorrow and neither one of them will show up.
Was there till 2 this morning, and back at it at 6, fixing to go lay down and sleep for a few hours and then start again, prefer to do it while there is no chance of anyone getting on my nerves, neither the brother or friend come out after dark.
Jerry acts like if he calls Tuesday Morning to the people that have Mom's double wide financed, and let them know that she's passed, that they will be out Tuesday afternoon, which is the excuse he is using, "wants all this stuff out before they come out and throw it in the yard" told him he knows just as well as I do, how long those guys take to get out here, it was over 8 months when the friends mom passed away before they came and got her trailer.
Cleaning out the house.... well the sperm donor ( the DAD) sold all of my mothers stuff before we had a chance to get anything we wanted.. no one wanted his junk so have no idea who has it... don't care...so have not had the experience of having to clean out a house.... the greedy bastard did it for us...
Glad you got some kind of sleep, have you considered "pillow therapy", just askin'?
Hope you get the kool aid off the floor before the bun buns realize it is there... now that would keep her quite for a few minutes wouldn't it,,, something for you to think about..
It's too damned hot to do anything, think I am going to draw zentangles today and relax my brain... love to all...
Hubby has gone with a friend to an early breakfast and to get his truck. Won't see hime till this afternoon sometime. Whatever......I get to finish ironing, finish laundry, and vaccuum.....maybe even dust if I get a wild hair......and looks like the kitchen floor is STILL sticky from the kool-aid spill. Whine, Whine.
Vic, I don't know how you keep such a positive attitude !! I want whatever you are on.......double......please share.........
Ladee, I 've wondered if cats are as structured as dogs are. Mine knew when it was time to eat, what days we were off because the morning routine changed, and they got pissed if we didn't go to bed on time. Gee, I want a pet so bad.
Starri, did your folks own the house and you can take your time? I keep thinking of my mom and dad's and there was no taking time. At a fast pace, it still took 3 months to clean out. Hoarding and living in the same house for 54 years........ well, if I don't start now, I will never get that shower, so.....later................
Starri, hope you aren't doing too much and then crash and burn... but I understand wanting to get it done before the "ugly brothers" come swooping in.. I call my sisters the "ugly sisters" so if the shoe fits.... can't fix stupid...
Vic, I do admire your struggle to keep a positive attitude. and letting the comments roll off your back helps a lot... they love to get a reaction and when they realize you have moved to another place in your mind and don't play anymore, it's not near as much fun as seeing daughter turning that funny color and the veins standing out in her head and neck...hmm, she just smiled and walked away,,, BUT THEN she got on the computer and blasted away.... yeha, what ever works for us to keep our sanity... if what we are is sane, there would be no one to tell us otherwise.. so it is win win for us....
Starri, don't work too hard and Vic enjoy your time away today..... hugs to you both...
sandwiches for dinner. Thankfully he wantsto be in bed a 8 so that was uneventful. I did really good all the little grumpy things he said to me rolled rigt off. He only called me 3 time during the night which is better than most.
Today we have a sitter coming from 9 to 7. Cant wait! Love my parents but sure do need time away.
We all sign on to take care of our loved ones cause we think it is best. We can't imagine at the time how complicated things will get and we just "know" the rest of thefamily will be ther to help when needed. Ha then reality sets in...years go by they get sicker and more needful. You ask for help from family...all kind of excuses come along so you stop asking. Who wants to beg!so you go along as best you can. I keep looking for help from area. At least i was able to get them meals on wheels so I only have to cook two meals instead of three. They don't have much respite help here no day places to get them away from home for awhile. Many sataes even have the funds thatyou can apply to be paid for caregiving. Not here in mississippi. Oh well. My mom who is doing pretty good is very independent! She doesn't think she needs help. So when i try to give her a physical hand she says I can do it! No matter that she has tripped over her feet, fallen cause she stood on a step ladder. At least I was able to get her to quit taking baths and use shower. She had a TIA the last time and it was sceaming all theway to get her out. Like someone said it is hard for them to let go of their independence and have to depend on someone else. If dad was able to walk, there would have been no way in h##l that I would have gotten help.even thoug when he was walking it was more like shuffling and falling. My brothersays hewill try to help as much as he can... But i have seen him twice since last august. I did beg him to come so i could help my daughter on her wedding day. He did stay a few daysand really did make a difference. We had her wedding here so that her grandparents could be here. That was March. Then dad had a birthday and fathers day rigt behind. He couldn't come for the weekend but I told him how much parents would enjoy seeing him and it was fathers day! So he actually came for the day. Who lnow when he will come again. I have told him i really need some time to get away with hubby.. His answer is we will try to work something out. Oh well.
Debbie, just wanted you to know we all sign on because we love and want the best for our family. I quit my job and thankfully my husbands job pays our bills. We buy groceries and gas with parents money. I am going on 54 my son and his wife had a child. They live away...I have seen grandbaby twice. She is a year now. My daugter had to move further away so we wont get to see here as often. I love my parents and really would't chane anything. If you read earlier posts.. I have had many pity parties and I am sure I will continue to vent. Ifeel pretty decent today cause I have had some much needed rest.
Just take one day one hour at a time. Look for alternativesto help..if you want to go to school. Try taking online classes so that when you are able to go full time you it wont seem so intimidating. Get away when you can. Glad you had drinks with friend. We all need time outs! Do what your heart tells you. You are a fantastic person... You are caring for others because you want better for them. Remember you are doing the best you can and it IS good enough.
Thanks forthis thread as it has truly helped me to get ou fellings and rant with no judgements. Glad you all are here. Time to start another day!!