The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

Well, you DO have the right to complain.. we all do. I choose to do this kind of work and there are days, past and present, that I am tired, confused, frustrated, and want to run away, and I CAN and DO complain.. and yes you chose it, but you are also trying to figure things out as you go... nothing wrong with that, like you said, that is life... You are encouraged to come here and have your feelings... and happy to hear you are going back to school at some point... don't be too proud to ask for help, and by that I mean, let us know when you are overwhelmed and we will tell you we understand, because we are too.. You do have the keys to the handcuffs, they are called friends... and we are here for you... hugs across the miles.. Make this old lady proud....

Ladee, yes...that is absolutely correct about my Grandmother. And I think I have to just put school off for now. Maybe my plan wasn't "the" plan. Life is not easy so matter who you are. It was never supposed to be easy. I've just never had to be responsible for anyone before, and now I'm responsible for 2 adults that practically raised me and I guess the switch in roles is not going smoothly either. I spoke with my mother today which ended in me hanging up on her because she said I chose to do this and didn't have room to complain. Oh well. She's right. I chose to do it. I have to figure out how to manage. I went down the street tonight and had a few drinks with a friend. My Grandmother seems a little nicer,lol.

Alwaystired, don't feel guilty. You can't make miracles. If your mother doesn't like your husband, she suffers to live in the same house. On the other hand, she can't ask you to choose between her and your husband. So, it is HER choice to go to a nursing home, after all. I am sorry to say so, but she seems quite bossy (my mother is bossy too....). Maybe, when she will have spent some time in a NH, she will ask you to go back home and she will be quieter and more manageable.
Let her take her own medicine... I am sorry if I seem harsh, but I have given up 90% of my life for my mother and I don't want to give up a 100%.
Again, don't feel guilty. You have made things that most of the people refuse to do.
Debbie, this is not an advice, it's a comment: I agree on your decision (of 5 or 6 posts ago) to leave your grandparents (for a while?). Maybe they will understand what you do now, and they will accept some help from outside.
'night everybody

Debbie, I guess we are just not getting it that your gram is so stubborn that even if you called senior social services that she would just go ballistic??? That she would refuse all help in that area??? And if they are to have any quality of care it is up to you?? Am I understanding you finally? If this is the case then you do have some very hard decisions to make.. and I feel bad for the situation you are in... sometimes life hands us a bucket of sh%t, and we just have to do the best we can... I will tell you I can not imagine the situation you are in...Of course all of us do not want you to give up school, but we are not walking in your shoes... if you do decide to just be there for your grandparents, then we will be here for you... I am sorry if we think the answers are simple, no such thing in real life... and regardless of what we say, you are going to follow your heart and do what you feel is right for you and your circumstances... all I am going to ask you to do is please keep coming here and posting your situation and what you are feeling.. we will be here for you as we are here for each other... I know you think we do not understand, but trying to relay things via cyberspace is not always easy and it takes time and it is exhausting to try and put things down where others will "get it"... I am sure everyone has our hearts in the right place, but maybe we weren't "hearing" you right.... just keep coming here and be patient with a bunch of old ladies that have taken you under our wing and hoovering over you, throwing a lot of words and suggestions at you... that's what caring old ladies do... we hoover over the young, we do the same to ASG.. She is a grown woman with 5 kids!!!!!! But she is patient with us, I know after we have all jumped on the band wagon about something in her life, I can hear her deep sigh, understand we meant it with love, and then she goes on and does what she feels is right for her and her situation.... we love ya girl, and don't want you to stop posting because we really do care... hugs to you

Deb, there is a solution, have you spoke with the local Senior Service? they can provide transportation for your gramps to his doctors appointments, check with your local social service and see about them finding you some kinda help, the Senior service can also provide day care..they just go there for a few hours aday, giving you time for work and school.

Please do not give up on your life...where are you going to be when they pass on? Me? I'm sitting here at 51, having worked low paying jobs all my life, in between trying to care for others. I have a GED, that I got at 37, I never had the chance to go to college and get a proper education. the Job force now is more and more requiring that you have a degree.. and even then you are not guaranteed to get one.

Get all the education that you can now hon, you'll need it for your future.

Yes, I have talked about my situation a few different times although I can't pinpoint where. It may not have been clear to others though because it just exhausts me to go into the details.

Debbie, you are nothing short of an angel.....please remember that even in your darkest moments. Older people just don't like to admit they need help, and probably never will. We all fight aging, and giving up independence will be the hardest thing we do, next to giving up the car. IF you are LUCKY, VERY LUCKY, you might get a thank you, but I wouldn't hold my breath. To them you will always be that little grandaughter whose diapers they changed. My mom still thinks my neice Amanda is not capable of raising her own son at 25. Little does she remember that at 25 she had 4 kids under the age of 4 and was pregnant with her 5th. OH, but that was different....yah, you remember Amanda as a baby, now she's married with only one baby.......geez..........

So that is where your grandparents are coming from.

Debbie, I have looked back on this thread and I can't find where you told us about your situation. I'm sorry I only come here....don't answer many questions and wouldn't remember them if I did. So I, for one, am ignorant of your situation. I do see from your profile that you have both grandparents and I assume, since you can leave, that you must be in their house.

Ladee, Hubby did buy those gloves. He knew he didn't have that truck just yet. He's not that stupid.

I started this an hour ago and since then I have trimmed all mom's nails and polished them. Almost 8 pm now. Will read more and catch up.............

Ladee, the whole problem is that I have a job, and Grama can't even keep things straight while I'm gone for that! I come home to a disaster of some kind every day all because Grama needed help with something. If I go to school, that will just take more of my time, and I obviously don't have time anymore.

Starri, they need assistance more often than a few days a week and I am already gone too much to be enough help to them. My Grandfather is on dialysis and that never goes right and then I get called home and we have to go on an hour drive to the clinic and blah blah blah. I just don't have anymore time for anything else. I don't have enough time for what I'm doing now!

Debbie, DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR LIFE !!!!!!! you are entitled to one, and your uncle is paying for it? even better, you don't have to sweat coming up with tuition.

As bad as I am sure it is of me to say, but her refusing help, your mom refusing to help you isn't your problem, it's theirs... if they don't want to help themselves why should you feel guilty? What's that old saying? " You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink?" There's another from AA,***** the only thing you can change on another person is their diaper.*****

Your Gram has to want help, and you can't make her do that.. like a alcoholic, they have to hit their bottom, she has to find out the hard way that she needs help, and until she does, there isn't anything you can do about it.

Where is your school? is it close to there? if so you can check on her each day, if you really have too, you can take a day or two off during the year to assist.

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, but seeing you giving up on your life, just struck me wrong.. you see? I am 51 years old, and I did that.. I hate the thought of watching you do the same.

What exactly would you be doing all day if you were with them and not at school..??? Just askin'.....

I guess I just won't go back to school. My Uncle ways paying for it. I told him that since all help is being rejected and refused, I just can't go to school. He's going to be pretty upset because he really wanted me to do that.

Seeme, I am sending you a Texas size hug, and a f'king box of gloves... damn it, If I thought I could put you in "time out" and everyone leave you alone for awhile I would... No fussing, no stress, no hollering, no poop, no Dr's appt's, just doing what ever you wanted for awhile... I can't, but I want to, I hope that counts... love ya bigger than the sky...

Debbie, you are not a terrible person, you are a loving and caring woman that wants to make something work, that wants her grandparents to be well cared for, and it is almost impossible to do by yourself... and there is an answer somewhere, somehow, and no, I am not going to "forget it". I care how this turns out, not only for you but your grandparents...I am sorry your mom has backed out on you... I'm sorry your gran is so hard headed and mouthy. but I am not sorry for caring about you and your situation... and the something you are wanting , well maybe you have not given it enough time to manifest itself.... I am not giving up, I am not forgetting it, I and everyone on this sight is here for you... It's ok to not have all the answers, hell, half the time I don't even know what the questions are.. but we plug along, we support each other, no matter what.. and I will send you hugs across the miles and you can just put your big girl panties on and accept them... how's that?????

Yes, Ladee, I did hear from someone today.....mom has another appt next Thurs. She is going to the pulmonist at Duke-Raleigh where she will get a lung capacity test. Right after that we will have a consult with a doctor. I do know that none of the tests she had this week were faxed to the surgeon, so the nurse and I will deal with that on Tues. We are close enough to the beach that the medical buildings around the hospital here all close on Fridays, so this weekend they will have their 4 day holiday. The surgeon has already been studying the barium enema that didn't prove the fistula, but did show the diverticulat disease.

I knew I was going to have a busy day, but so much was added on today that I have lost it with mom and hubby has lost it with me, so I am in the dumps. I just have to pick up a set of cajones and tell mom when I am doing what and she will have to live with it. We went round and round about the bath again, and I had to use 4 washcloths to get her butt clean. She was busy last night after I left the gate down.

Then I only had 5 gloves left. Hubby was going to get some from work, but that is stealing to me, so I asked him to get some from Sam's since he was getting gas there anyway and he throws a fit.......ok, get some tomorrrow.... he'll be gone tomorrow getting his new old truck, can't I remember? NO, I have SHIT on my mind.....WTF?....nevermind, I'll use my bare hands !!! Anyway, I got the bathroom cloroxed, and the towels are in the washer. Everything salvageable has been taken from the garden, except for the tomato plants, so I would like to get that done this weekend. Gotta get supper going.......later...........

Ladee, I am just a terrible person. Its fine. It doesn't matter. And it's not "all or nothing". I was pretty much hoping for "something" and that's not possible. But like I said, it doesn't matter. So let's all just forget it.

Hey Deb, Good for you.. I am glad to see your standing up for yourself and for what you need.

Welcome Indyrose and alwaystired, you have come to the right place..We don't have magic answers, but we do have a lot of collective experience, we do laugh, we do scream, we do love each other here....
Indyrose, I work with Alz. clients and there are times that it is a "tell" not "ask" situation.. Everyone that commented had good suggestions, maybe something helped... and maybe your husband needs to see why he is so obsessed with this, If they smelled bad, I feel like you would have already done something about it.. How important is it that he get his way here???? Power plays NEVER work, don't care who it is or what it is about.....
Alwaystired,,,You are feeling guilty for doing what she asked????? Ok, in my mind if you set her on the side of the road at a busy intersection, now THAT is something to feel guilty about!!!! I can tell you already have your own answer and may just need some support for moving forward with it... You have my support, she will be fine and you will be able to get your life back in order and tend to things in your marriage... :you and your husband need your life back and I agree, I would not live in all that stress. let us know what happens.... follow your gut, not your heart...
Debbie, sweetie, all you had to do was say, I need to vent, don't want advice.. please don't kill the messengers, as we care what happens to you... And yes this sucks, but it doesn't have to be "all or nothing". And if you want to leave , then follow your plan... but you do care or you would not be so disappointed and upset...
No one is trying to say you haven't tried everything... And the main thing is that you have no regrets, if you have tried it all, then leaving is the thing for you to do.. you can look back and say "I tried"...it's more than your family is doing, so move on.. visit them, I did this with my dad... nothing else would work for ME,, because nothing was going to suit him anyway... let us know what happens and we hope you stay with us anyway..... hugs across the miles to you....

Seeme.... Stinky Lucy.... bahahahahaha.. I've heard it called many things but this is my favorite so far....... and your not whiny, you are tired and wanting to get off this damned merry go round.. and she can't take any nitetime meds and that just makes things even harder... any news from the Dr. today?? love ya..
Jam, the dogs in the neighborhood were howling but I didn't know you were the cause... lol, finally got that damned hair cut, yeha... and just let her ramble about the perm, that's what Alz. does to a person, they get fixated on something and all your being upset and fussing at her won't change a thing, she'll wait until your lips quit moving and say it again... welcome to my world....That;s why when someone would come in while I was taking care of Ruth, I'd say, " TAG, YOU'RE IT" , and run for the door and smoke until there were no bugs on the 50 acres....It is not going to get better..only different... love ya.
More later, love you all and am happy to see new names and hope we hear from you again.. this is a safe place to lay your troubles.... hugs across the miles to all of you..

Alwaystired.....I'm sorry you are living and dealing with such a burden. It sounds like there is a lot of depression going on with you and your husband. And possibly some dependence on pain medication. Your loss of interest in things you normally enjoy doing is a sign of depression. It sounds like you know what needs to be done and with that decision the guilt should also go away. I think on a different plane than most people, as I don't feel there is any room for feelings of guilt when I am doing something to preserve my life or my marriage. It's obvious that your husband and mother will never get along and unfortunately you are at the crossroads of having to decide on your marriage or your mother. You can have both by placing your mother and knowing that she will be well taken care of, will make new friends, and you will still be able to see her and probably end up having a better relationship with her. You will only feel guilty if you allow yourself to feel that way. Look at this as a new chapter in all of your lives and there will be no reason for guilt. Can you get your husband to see a therapist? I think that is something that needs to be done and would help the both of you. Good luck and please come back and let us know how you are doing.

Well, I think I am leaving this house. For good. My Grandparents won't allow me to get help outside of family, and my family won't help. I cannot cope with the constant negativity and never knowing when my grandmother is going to start on me about something...it is completely unpredictable in a way, but I always know it's going to happen a few times in the day. And when I refuse to fight with her, she just refuses to talk to me. She can't be nice. She never was a nice person. I have decided to save up some cash and just peace out. I will leave a note saying not to look for me and that I am fine, but that I just couldn't stay here any longer because without any help, I would have to sacrifice my life and I won't do it. So, I will just go along with everything for a few months and then leave. I will ask for more hours at work, work as much as I can. That is my plan.

I can no longer deal the tension in my home. My husband is disable and my mom is 88 years old. She has lived with us for almost 3 years. She hates my husband and every other man that walks the face of the earth. My husband is in chronic pain so most of the time his mood isn't very pleasant. I have to come to hate to go home after work. Which is very sad. I have lost interest or maybe don't have the energy to do my gardening this year. It finally came to a head last month. My sciatic nerve flared up and I was in bed for 1 1/2 weeks in alot of pain. First of all it gave me insight to what my husband and mom go through everyday and I truly have to say I don't know how they do it. I now understand the depression. Anyhow while I was down my husband step up and cook us dinner and went to the grocery store for us. I guess mom did not like the fact that the man she hates is now waiting on her. So she told me she thought it was time to move and would I checked into Assisted Living for her. We had checked them out before so I called to get their package again. My husband doesn't want her to go but I told him he was not the one waiting on her and him and I was worn out. My mom doesn't hardly talk to him and I can no longer take the tension at home. I have asked my dr if my problem could be stress related and he said absolutely. I have a terrible guilt in putting her in assisted living (only 7 blocks from my home) but I want my home back. I am having alot of issues but I know it will also be good for my mom. I am applying for VA Aid and Attendance for her so she can afford living there. Its hard caring for her at times when I think back to my childhood. I have to tell myself this move will be good for all of us and I have done very well taking care of her all of my adult life and especially the past 3 years of her living with us. She is mad at me at times now because I am pursuing the assisted living. I explained to her I could no longer take the tension between them and that it wasn't just him but her as well. She said she knows that I am the middle and she is sorry but she doesn't want to do anything about it. Its just been taking a toll on my health. I have to stop feeling so guilty all the time. Maybe when she moves the guilt will go away. I will miss her cause I do like her here most of the time. I have no help from my 3 siblings at all. Two of them don't even talked to her and she sends 1 sibling money during the winter because he works during the summer but doesn't ever save for the winter. She insisted on paying rent. It's not much but I am thinking I do everything for her and he does nothing and she just gives him money. Now I know I sound selfish but I not I just resent him for taking her money and never doing a thing for her. How do you all deal with the guilt? I am a emotional wreck. I am in counselling now because of my home situation. I just want to feel happy again with no stress. My husband has been disabled for 8 years and after this long on heavy duty pain pills he is no longer the man I married. He is very depressed and very angry. His bedroom has black curtains and he rarely gets out of the house. I have tried to help but I told him I couldn't do it all by myself that I don't have the strength to carry the load for the both of us. I told him I am ready to run away from home leaving everything behind.

Welcome Indyrose! Your situation is pretty much what I deal with daily with my mil....henceforth known as col (crazy old lady). Do your parents sleep in their clothes and socks? If they change to whatever to sleep in, then what they took off goes directly into the laundry room. Then maybe you can lay out the clothes for the next day. I assume you do the laundry? Can you put a lock on the door so your parents cannot go retrieve the dirty clothes? Before we moved the col to our house in Nov 09, she had stopped bathing completely. Sat in her house and got herself stinking drunk and urinated all over herself, the house, you get the drift. And she just turned 87. Even now, if she was allowed, she wouldn't change clothes or bathe. The elderly seem to become hydrophobic. The reasons are many, most not valid, the demented mind has many strange thoughts. The col has a litany of excuses.. "I don't do anything to get dirty" or "Who is going to see me" or "They're only a little dirty". You might try seeing if your parents will compromise by changing every other day, if it's a matter of "they stink" then you may have to get firm and tell them that as long as they reside in your home, they will bathe at least twice a week and change clothes daily. That is where we are with the col; she gets a bath on Tuesday and Friday but must have clean clothes every day when she changes out of her jammies. Keep us informed on how things go.

Back from the salon and there was no screaming.....although I almost turned around and brought her back home. She started with the "perm" crap and just kept it up. I finally got mad and told her she looked like hell and since she is incapable of using hot rollers now, the hair is coming off. Well, its cut now and all through the cut she kept saying I will get a perm next time I come in....whatever. It's still a little below her ears, and she is full of natural curl....of course she denied that, but she really looks so much better. Wash and wear. She told Target she will get a perm for the winter. Again, whatever.

Debbie....I'm really sorry that you are past frustration right now and your Mom is not stepping up to help you. Any advice given was done in good faith with the only intention to help you through this difficult time. Perhaps after you have some time to absorb everything, you will feel like visiting with us again. We care about you and only want to see you fulfill your dreams and plans.

It's time for a short nap, then I will be back to check on everyone again......

Love and Hugz,
Jam

Debbie.....hope you aren't getting close to the edge of the black hole, honey. You can just vent here and we will listen. We don't mean to tell you what to do and no, we will never know or understand your position in this mess of yours. You sound too intelligent to not have thought of these things,, but sometimes being younger means not being willing to take a stand against your elders.

We just love you to pieces and any one of us would take your place to not have you go through this at your age. You may be the only adult in your family.....you are where the WORK is, the STRESS is, the SLAVERY is, and you want to live.

No harm meant. No foul intended. Just come back to us and scream. We have heard of physical abuse here, so Starri had a good question. I'm sure when Ladee and Jam read that, they will agree with me. Keep your chin up, sweetie and know I am giving you the biggest hug ever.....{{{{{{{squeeze}}}}}}}

indyrose........welcome here and you will get many comments and welcomes from the good people who come here often. And you struck a note with me on this one.

My father used to be the same way with me.....drove my mom nuts.... now she is doing the same thing. I have to dress her, so I let her wear her clothes for 2 days and then they magically disappear....less than 2 days of course if she drops food on them. And now she wants to wear the same things over and over again if they are comfortable - this from a woman who has over 150 pair of underwear alone, and 2 closets won't hold all her clothes.

So my suggestion would be to just take their clothes from them and wash them. Sneak in their room after they have gone to bed or whatever it takes. I use the argument of dead skin cells feeding all those creepy bed mite thingies that are alll over their bodies. I really gross it up for mom and it makes her think about it. Socks and underwear are changed daily period. Use athlete's foot for socks and a stinky lucy for underwear. And remember, I have to dress my mom, so I have the advantage. Hope this helps somewhat...............

Indyrose, my mother is in an advanced stage of Alzheimer and she would never wash herself and change her clothes. When she was younger and in good health she was the cleanest person in the world, I'd say maniac about hygiene. They change a lot with old age and disease. I don't explain to her anymore, I just take off her clothes in the evening and put everything in the washing machine. She has to be changed from head to foot, and the sheets have to be washed very often, too. She complains a lot, but you have to survive and do what is best for everyone...

No, it wasn't physical. I would much rather be physically assaulted though. I give up,. there's no hope. Just please no more advice from anyone. None of anyone's suggestions are do-able in this situation and I'm just sick of people giving me advice that I have already thought of and found impossible. Mom doesn't care, Grandparents don't care, why should I care? I don't.

Hey Deb, by viciously attacked, do you mean physical ? if so, you might seriously have to consider placement. Thought you might not want to consider, but if you are being physically assaulted, it might be for the best.

I hope that you can have a "semi-pleasant" conversation with your mom about helping, but if not you might have to get nasty about it. You can always do what I did to my brother..lol, while I could not insist that he move here to help (he lives clear on the other side of the usa), I did tell him that if he "knew" so much better than I on how to take care of Mom, I would go online, buy her a plane ticket and she would be there within 3 days, 3 days cause I would need time to pack things up for her. He backed up and shut up on how to care for her, he decided that "she" would not fit into his lifestyle.

Tell your Mom if she can't come there and help, maybe you will send her that way...see what she does on that one.

Hey ASG, apparently we are sisters. Lol.

Yeah so I got pretty much viciously attacked upon waking up this morning, then I called my mom and she basically said she's not coming to help. That conversation isn't over yet. Ugh.

H Indyrose. I agree with starri. My parents are 86 and 90. Dad i have to take care of since he cant do for himself. But mom cleans everyday. She takes shower on saturdays. She wears the same clothes but changes underclothes daily. Try to impress upon yor hubby that they are clean. Welcome by the way. This thread has really helped me. The folks here are great!
On another note....mom gettimgmready for hair appt. I got dad bated.dressed and he is fed. Now dosing in recliner. Think i will try to get a 5 min power nap.. Whew i am exhausted.

Hi, Indyrose, welcome to the group, having never had to care for ALZ patience I can't say if it is part of the disease, but I can tell you at this stage in their lives, the likelihood of compromise is about 30% or less..lol.. Mom was the same way about baths, she got to where she was terrified of getting in the tub, can't really blame her on that one, her tub side is about 2 1/2, 3 foot tall, I had trouble getting in and out, but then we tried her on sponge baths, most of the time she refused those as well, towards the end I had to order her, stand there while the CNA was giving her one..just to make sure she didn't send the lady off.

You might be able to trick them by telling them you only have a half load to do and you don't want to "waste" water or electric by not having a full load. Being blue collar and probably learning how to live on a tight budget, they might go for it.

Otherwise, I believe I would tell hubby to back off as you don't need extra stress on top of what you have already.