This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Most things have gone smoothly since they moved in, but a big bone of contention remains the laundry. My husband feels that they should change their clothes every day. My parents think that is hooey, and will go 4-5 days with the same clothes, making the argument that they haven't gone anywhere or done anything. Dad also argues that "overwashing weakens the clothing." When we pointed out that there weren't any socks in the laundry for the last 5 days, he said he didn't have any clean ones. (Six clean pair were in his drawer.) Then he said they didn't fit. (Mom said that wasn't true.) Then he complained that he had "57 socks and none of them were mates!" I asked if he wanted me to sort them. No, he'd take care of it, he said.
I'm caught in the middle. My husband's family are white collar health care people. My family are blue collar factory workers. I see where standards of cleanliness are much higher in his family, and I agree that wearing the same socks for 5 days straight probably isn't best, but neither is demanding that they change every day.
These laundry wars are driving me nuts! My husband tells me to "order my parents" to change daily. My parents tell me,. "No, they're not going to do that." How can I get them to compromise???
Did ya hear the first scream? And we aren't even at the salon yet. We have had to tell the col twice to eat her breakfast, but no she has to go put hot rollers on the sides of her head. How about the back? I ran out. OMG.....there are 30 rollers in the damn thing and why are you putting them in to begin with? Well, they have to see how my hair fluffs out. Maybe I was screaming at such a high pitch that only dogs could hear me...:) She is such a handful. Got her cleaned up, dressed, shoes on, set her on the couch with a bib to finish her coffee, told her I would get her at 9 and off we go. Honest to God, she looks at me and says...go where? I could only stand there and stare at her. I was at a complete loss for words. She was complaining about needing to scratch a bite on her back.....looked her over, there is not a spot on her back anywhere. Skin lotioned. I don't know....part of her dementia? Heather will be here when we get back so she can pout to someone else. When hair is through she will start in on wanting to go to the store. She can barely walk from room to room let alone a store.
I hope everyone has a good day.....and I will check back for some comfort when I get back...:)
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Wish my kitty would come stay with me here but she likes home. Cant blame her. We were lucky in that when my parents moved here we were able to get a house one away from us. Two years ago we moved our bed down here since it was plain that going home at night wasn't going to happen. So now we "visit" ourhome as often as we can. Daily to feed and let cat out and to do clothes.. Although when I say clothes.. They get washed and dried and layed out nice on the bed in our bedroom. Oh well can only do so much. Did get yards cut and trimmed... Have two little tomatos on plants...lots of green cherry tomotos no baby peppers yet either! Cant do the big garden anymore but we have a great neighbor who shares! Yum!
Well gotta go, time to get dad up. Hope everyone has a great day. Will try to post later. Tomorrow sitter is coming! Woohoo! I get some me time one day a week. Thank God or I would really have lost it by now.
Oh yesterday I was mowing my yard...came to house to check on dad and take him to bathroom as I knew it was time. But he said no... Sooooo about 15 minutes later he calls! Typical! Oh well. Hugs to all of you and thanks for listening. It really helps to know we are kindred spirits.
Her car is impounded now, she's sitting in jail getting to think about how stupid she was..but at least the boys are home safe. Brother was wanting me to pick him up beer and cig's, would have done it, but out here in SC, they quit selling beer at 11pm, at least in our little town, so he got the smokes... They should have known better..but both are stone alcoholic's, and I know where they come from.
Told my nephew and his friend to do themselves a favor and not get in the car with those two when they've been drinking, good way to get themselves killed.
Starri, I like your family of cats and dogs... Sure they can get along together. One of my dogs LOVES cats, the three remaining dogs tolerate them, and for some mysterious reasons some cats are more loved than other ones. My gray cat Nino is so loved that when he comes in the room, the dogs get up to welcome and kiss him! I understand your wish of being alone, sometimes. I have two empty rooms upstairs; sometimes I feel like disappearing there without saying a word to anyone, and be free from mother, helpers, cats, dogs, just myself! And a book. But actually I never do it.
Ladee, Sonny is a bad boy! He must be very funny.
Debbie, I like very much the idea of tomato juice (organic, I guess!) and I would suggest you to produce tomato sauce as well. Homemade tomato sauce is the best thing in the world! (You could sell it, BTW)
Yeahright! Vacation on the ocean, the best thing! Enjoy every single moment.
I have decided to go (at least twice a week) to a swimming pool. I have no work yet, but it costs very little money and I can afford it, and at least I am doing something useful - lose weight!
Besides, even if I am a sign of air (Gemini) water is something that relaxes me a lot. And God knows how much we need relaxing-
Have a nice breakfast everybody!
Enjoy your children while you can....it's hard to believe my baby turns 32 in July. And I'm only going to turn 29..........again. My oldest grandson turns 23 in Nov....now that makes me feel old and it's a big possibility that he has made me a great grandmother with a former girlfriend.
Going to finish my email then head to bed. Tomorrow morning is going to be traumatic....lol
Love and Hugz,
Jam
And the cat is doing good?? You noticed I asked about the cat before I asked about Auntie!!!!! So happy to hear you had some one on one with the youngest... gotta take some time to let us know what all is going on... you are missed here girl....
Seeme, I think you, Jam and I were all at a crossroad of sorts, and here we are. Spreading the love and support and meeting some awesome new folks....
I am getting worried about Johnny, has anyone heard from him? Need to send him a hug to let him know I am thinking of him....
By the way, my friends call me Ladee, it is pronounced like Lottie, but with a "d"... and everyone here is my friend...
Seeme, sorry it took you awhile to get the "bun buns", but knew you were the expert on the thread so you could tell Debbie about your fearless bun buns...
And Starri, it doesn't matter if you are present caregiver or not, you have a lot of experience to share, and besides we just love ya... not near enough love in the world, so we have our own little safe place to be... thanks Jam, you had a great idea... well, I need to go ni-night, gotta work tomorrow and then off for three days and BG and sil are gone until Monday......peace and quite...... hugs across the miles to everyone...
Sweet dreams everyone, if you get the chance to close your eyes.
Yes, Debbie is adopted !!!!! SSSOOOOOOO glad you talked to your mom. I feel so much better for you, Debbie, I really do. I feel like a weight has been lifted off MY shoulders just to know your mom is coming.
OMG, I just figured out what bun-buns are !!!!! Damn, I am slow. And they just started on the tomatoes...thought hubby would be mad, but he said it was worth it to lose a couple on the bottom if they leave those higher up alone........I went to pick the ripest tomato on the plants and it was already half eaten. They don't even run when we go out there anymore. The only thing left in the garden it tomatoes. We need to pull up the green beans and summer squash by Aug so we can add potassium to the soil and plant again. This will be the first time we tried a second crop. We just ahven't had enough rain to make it worthwhile this year. If we get a tropical storm, it would help.
It is almost 11 and I must go to bed. I have mom tonight. Hope you all have a peaceful night and I will check in tomorrow. later.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Starri, the only time I could get away from the animals is if I stayed up too late for them. At 10 pm they would hound me till I told them to go to bed, then I stayed up later to get some alone time.
YR.....must live in AZ ?? What town? I lived next to Phoenix for 2 and a half years and hated it in the summer. Hottest I ever saw it was 117. I remember going shopping at 10 PM to get some groceries and could barely stand it then at 100. The lack of humidity drove my sinuses nuts. The first year we rented and there was a pool, but when we moved on base it was too hot to leave the house.
Unfortunately, if I get bites like the col, I think of fleas, since she was gone for a while and so was the dog, or bed bugs. Fleas blister on me, so I know if I have one, and bed bugs are more likely here in the East lately. And it has nothing to do with housecleaning, Jam, they just are.
Starri, I would give you some of my sibs, but I only have one worth a shit and I'm not giving her help. She's already burned out - going on 5 yrs trying to recover.
The dogs are curled up sleeping, the cat is outside, so for the moment I have some peace and quiet.. This thread seems to have taken on a life of it's own, so I was back at the first of the posts, to look and see where it was when I first posted and realized that I had not read from the beginning, lol.. Think I am on number 50
I don't think getting this wound up would be so bad if it didn't make me wiped out, when I get that angry, I am done for the day and done for the next day.. There are a loving, lovely bunch of people here, I remember where I was at the first time I found this place and this thread, I am so grateful that everyone is here.
O'Doole and Sharpes make pretty good non alcoholic beer, and my brother one time found some wine that was alcohol free, it was called Fre, never have been able to find it again. For the most part, I do pretty good on not even craving them, and then there are days I could hi-jack a bud truck. Surprisingly, tonight even though I was twisted more than a "twister", I didn't even think about a drink.
It was I'm going to kill the prick, and then I got to get out of here..and so that is what I did, hubby had to drop off the truck for work, so I met him there, we went and got fire house subs, went to the store and got a few things we needed, and then came home, I've been trying to hide, and I have not succeeded, I went to the bedroom, here came Claire, up on the bed and right up against me, here came Maggie, right at my feet, and then here came hubby, on the bed, poking me with his foot.. So I gave up on the bedroom, came in the livingroom, and guess what? here they all came. Claire is presently to my left, Maggie is in behind my chair and Hubby is sitting in his recliner in behind me. At least he isn't poking at me, he almost got himself smacked last night for it. Maybe I'll get lucky and they'll all get sleepy and I can have some peace..
Tonight is one of those moods where I am as tight as a over wound spring and I'm going to snap with one more little thing.. May the Lord have mercy on the person that sets me off..lol..
Starri, I love it when a woman makes up her mind and just goes and does what needs to be done... And if nothing else make sure YOU get what you want.... hope your tummy feels better...
Yeahright.. from now on will be YR , give the kitties kisses.. Cats are my favorites.. they rule the world with their, you think I care, attitude...Hope you have fun on your vacation, and it is hot here too, tired of it...
Debbie, you have been adopted!!!! Very impressed that your mom is coming and hopefully they will see what you are talking about... let us know how things turn out...
Oh and you need to talk to Seeme about the bun-buns, she has had a lot of experience with them herself this year.
I WILL NOT work in a NH, I do not have the personality to see things that goes on and not get fired for telling. so, I work for myself....
Jam, I will be listening for the "scream" tomorrow,,,I'll have to listen closely to see if it you or her,,, and congrats on the extra help....
More later, love ya'll and hugs..
Seeme, I am on the computer in the livingroom now, hubby invaded my space in the bedroom, and I saw where I was going to say something this morning on your getting your fix from the dog next door.
Mom had this boatload of feral cats, she use to take care of, they started disappearing, we're not sure what happened, either the dogs from across the street or the wild hogs out here..but she adopted mine, they would either come over with me, or show up on their own, they knew "gramma" had treats, The cat and Claire both would announce their presence by jumping up and bumping the door, letting her know they were there. While she could, she would get up, and let the little brats in, they knew where the cat food was, mom had a litter box, the cat knew where it was, Claire was good about suckering Mom out of butter cookies.. So it worked out well, Mom had furry grandchildren she could spoil rotten and then send them home.
starri.....wow I'm impressed. I usually got to the count of 2 maybe 2 1/2. I want to see you kick some a$$. I swear....I will never figure out why some siblings think they are in control and everything has to revolve around them. Do you need to remind Mr. Too Big for his Britches that you were the one taking care of Mom? Go get em darlin......we're all standing behind you!
Debbie.....I was in EMS as a paramedic for 25 yrs and you would be surprised at the "odd" things that I would see in nursing homes and the lame excuses. There is one home in the town I worked in that was for the indigent, now it takes mostly mental patients, but back then there was a little old lady that was so contractured you could pick her up like a basketball. And her femur was fractured! And had been for 7 damn days before they called the ambulance to transport. I'm looking at her and they are telling me it happened when she tried to climb over the bed rails. Oh, please, do I look like I just fell off the turnip truck? Her leg is black and 3 times it's normal size and her arms and legs are frozen in place....HOW THE HELL CAN SHE CLIMB?????? In another home one morning I had to pick up a little lady who had been put in the shower chair and then left. The only thing I could figure out was she fell out, but her right leg got caught, twisted and broke. When I got to her the staff had her on the floor and her leg was twisted completely backwards. She had good pulses and sensation and I was not about to compromise that, so we took the door off the hinges, I held her leg still because it was sticking out to the side and got her to the hospital. My hubby was on shift that day in the ER and I hung around to watch him turn that leg around. I was livid and when her daughter asked me what happened I told her that I thought she had been left alone, in the chair, 5 ft off the ground. No sense in keeping quiet to allow it to happen again to someone else. The home my mom was in takes very good care of their patients. It is a better home, and besides I knew so many of the girls and they knew I wouldn't hesitate to kick some booty if things weren't right. So bad things happen and unfortunately if a person is not on top of it, it continues.
Enough gory for tonight. I keep saying I'm going to write a book about my experience....maybe one day I will.
Time for some supper....will check back later
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Ladee? I thought everyone was adopted already, you mean we missed one? Hubby was actually very good today.. but you have to consider the fact that I was with him all day..and he had no access to a computer..
Was so wound up this evening, hubby thought I was doing drugs again..lol, 18+ years clean and sober, ain't going there again, even if it is soooo tempting. Just seriously twisted.. Had considered going over there tonight, but not going to do that to myself.
We went to check out the campground, it's absolutely wonderful, deep in the mountains, lots of space, they have long term rental if you want, and I want. Told hubby this evening, we'll get out of here and go up there, and from there figure out what it is we want to do and where to go first,. right now our plans of going to see his brother in CT are on hold, so I don't know where the wind will blow us first. For me at this moment? I truly don't care.
I haven't thrown up this much since I quit drinking, it's not good for my health, I've lost a lot of weight (which really doesn't hurt me, I've got a lot to spare) , but losing it the way I have been is not good for me.
If ya'll don't hear from me in a week or two, you might want to start passing the hat to get me bail money or a good lawyer... Told Glenn our first stop was going to be Norwalk, CA and I was bringing the gun with me. Might just be nice and tell him never ever to talk with me again.
Anyway, have a wonderful evening, going to lay down for a while if hubby will just leave me alone, don't want to go to jail before even getting out of SC...lol..
Glenn's last appointment with his doctors is the 11th, we get paid again on the 27th and the 1st, I am thinking that we will be out of here, come hell or high water by the 20th at the latest. Tomorrow, I am going in the house and getting what it is I want, and then the two frigging brothers that are out here can come in and clean out the house.. I am ready to go over there with a gas can and a match and be done with it, what set me off this time is the eldest again, had I had my glasses on and able to read the caller id, it would have gone to the machine.
He thinks he's being intimating by threating to come out here..bring it on big boy, see what a a**hole your youngest brother is being, see how the second to the eldest and his wife are behaving and see for yourself what it is I am doing, I am going through and what I think that one person might want is going into a box with their name on it, they are welcome to go through it and decide if it is something they want or want to give up to others or donate.
I finally quit throwing up, and now it feels like it is wanting to start all over again. Got out of here for a little bit, feeling some what better.. big hugs guys, will post again, let you know I survived and if they did..lol..
I have a question.....if the col walked over to the concrete bench and sat down and bent over to dig in the strawberries almost 2 wks ago, shouldn't those chigger bites be about cleared up? And normally chiggers go to waistbands, underwear legs and bands, bras. She's got new bites on her lower back and they look more like mosquito bites. She swears she hasn't gone outside and I think that's true. Guess I'm just going to have to let her scratch.
Tomorrow is the col's big hair day......say a little prayer for me. Appt is at 9:30...so when you hear a scream just ignore it.
Will check back later,
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Jam, I am so glad that you got some help!! Ladeeda, I think adopting Debbie is a great idea. I am so amazed at her wisdom for one so young.
I don't know who mentioned taking notes but I should have cause I can't remember who said it was to hot to go out. I feel for ya, it is beyond hot here, desert southwest. Forcast is 118 on Sat. HELP!!!! I am thankful for my ac. Dad constantly asks to go out and of course he can't in this heat.
I also can't remember who said they have a wonder, helpful hubby. So do I. I couldn't do what I do with out his support.
Good grief, I'm taking notes next time!!!!
As for the cats; there's Pipper, she's my broke back kitty cause she twists up like a pretzel when she lays down with feet going in all directions. Then there's my Mr Big Stuff, Sebastion {I didn't name him!} He was abandoned as a baby and I took him. He is a big Manx. Very shy and runs and hides whenever someone he doesn't know comes over.
I am really getting excited about vacation! Three days by the ocean. I can almost smell it and hear the sea gulls already!
Well, I need to go now and prepare my mind for the soon to come sundowners.
You know, a few deep breaths and a prayer for patience. My poor Daddy, he would be horrified if he knew what he puts me through.
Oh by the way, did anyone see that news article about the son who put a hidden camera in his moms NH room because he was suspicious and low and behold he captured video of her being abused by the aides. It was heartbreaking.
Well, take care dear friends. Peace.
On other notes, lol. I spoke with my mother today and basically told her that she knows I need help, and she needs to move out here and help me. I told her that her brother is doing his part by helping financially (he is helping a lot), and she needs to do her part by coming out here and helping me here because I can't do it alone. She, of course, came up with a thousand excuses not to which I shot down immediately, and she agreed to tell her husband (my stepfather) that they need to come and help, and that is that. They are coming to visit on the 15th so I will be sure to do some job searches for stepdad so he can interview on their visit. :)
On a more lighthearted note, I would like everyone to know that I have SEVERAL tomatoes growing on my tomato plants, and I plan to make a crap load of tomato juice and drink it, and I don't care that it gives me itchy red dots, I love home made tomato juice too much to let the itchy dots win!
On a less enthusiastic note (so many notes haha), the bun buns that are taking over this town, have consumed my entire garden in the backyard with the exception of my cucumber plants, and from the looks of it, soon we will be overrun with not only bun buns, but also cucumbers. This could get ugly, but with some of those tomatoes...mixed up in mayo, vinegar and sugar, it will be a delicious cucumbery tomatoey disaster.
Also, my pepper plant is growing, but no baby peppers yet. What a fruitless endeavor (haha).
Oh yeah, and I gave my baby lovebird a bath tonight when I got home from work because she is molting.
So there you have it. I hope everyone is doing well today. :)
and of course ASG has already been adopted, but she chooses to be busy with her family this summer, then she'll get back to us, and we'll have two fine young ladies to add so much to this thread.... hugs across the miles to everyone..
Sonny has been very disoriented most of this week.. having problems with simple instructions and repeating him self more than usual.. I suggested he may need a Dr's visit, so we will see... but yet his humor is still there, Marie asked him to help her raise her legs in her chair, and he says" both of them?" and looks over at me like this is so funny huh???
She has been in a much better mood, but I have been paying a lot more attention to her, and she is not using that "whiny" voice as much... She finally told me today her hip has been hurting...so maybe that was part of the other day's little temper tantrum, But Sonny is on a sleeping schedule now that allows her to sleep better, so hopefully she will get some more rest and feel better...
Hope everyone is ok today...By the way, there will be a huge sale at Starri's house of camping gear, trailers, all sorts of stuff,,, oh wait, maybe not.. she hasn't said how much hubby tried to spend today... let's just wait on that..
Seeme, how are you today?? miss you
will write more later... hugs to all