This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Target reminded her that she has a hair appt in the morning and she told him she will be getting a perm and he said no you will get a cut that is easy to take care of and that's it. You will do what you are told to do. She is sleeping now....she has chigger bites and keeps scratching....gave her some Benedryl before she gets herself infected.
Everyone....you are welcome for starting this thread....there was a need and keep in mind that this thread belongs to all of us. This is our sanctuary when we need to let things go. A safe place where we can get hugs from a friend, make and hopefully keep new friends. I have met some wonderful friends here and I think of each and every one of you each day and hope that you have peace and comfort in the job you are doing.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Nap time, more later... hugs across the miles...
And I thank you, too, Jam, for starting this thread. Amazing people coming here.
Did I tell ya'll I got Elder Rage also? It doesn't really describe mom, but my sister had it with dad and is afraid I will get to feeling mad at mom, but I reassured her that with this site, I don't feel the anger I did just 4 mos. ago. When she dies, I will know in my heart I did the best I could do for her and will have no regrets. And I can thank people here for that.
LUNCHTIME !!! Thinking tuna salad.......later
Will check back later....hope it's a good day for all!
Love and Hugz,
Jam
I envy those of you who can walk outside and enjoy your morning. I took the blind doggie out and started to melt. It's only 95 today with heat index of around 109. And the person that poured our front patio is supposed to come and fix the mess he made since it's apparent he didn't know what he was doing. The color was supposed to be a pale chocolate brown to match the house.....it's orange. And I told them all up front....if momma ain't happy....ain't nobody happy.....so do this right.
So Target has been outside talking with his momma this morning, and she is just not happy with this haircut thing. 87 y/o women just don't have any business wearing their hair hanging down past their shoulders when they don't know how to take care of it. And she WILL NOT wear it up. I put it up in a clip when she gets a bath and she immediately takes it down. She's mad at me anyway, because I made her go potty and wash her hands last night. Now ask me if I care.
starri......we have 3 doggies. A 15 y/o female blind toy poodle, an 8 y/o male long-hair chihuahua, who thinks he's part of my anatomy, and a 6 y/o female Jack Russell/chihuahua mix. She was sold to us as a pure bred but it was more than apparent at 3 mo that her momma had a late night visitor.
ASG....would you please put your book down long enough to let us know how you are? Worried about you!
where's johnny? Hope things are okay with you.
I know some of you just read and don't have time to post, so I hope things are alright and you aren't facing anymore problems than you already have.
Time to see that the col and her dog both have their morning meds. Will check back in later.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
She's as bad as the dogs, (I spoiled them too) she expects her treats, the dogs get treats for going outside and doing their business rather than on my floor, she expects to have a escort to her food bowl, will stand there on the shelf where we keep her food bowl and look out from under the top one and stare at me, till I give her, her treats.
We keep her food bowl on a shelf because if we don't Claire will eat her food, and not her own dog food. The cat will come and bug me till I feed the dogs their breakfast, so that she can get into their canned dog food. Rule is, no one gets into someone else's bowl till their finished eating all they want. So the cat will sit there patiently, till one of the dogs walks away, and then it is on, she cleans out their bowl.
Time to get a shower now......good day to all.....later.......
you took these responsibilities because you care about your loved ones last lmaydays.
Hugs across the miles to everyone this morning...
Today, we are off to see a camp ground I found yesterday, a little further away from home.. We're just off to "see" it because of all the goings on due this weekend and next week, have doctors appointments coming up next week, for my hubby and for the friend of the family, They both have theirs on the 7th, I have mine on the 11th, and then baby brother has one on the 12th, after that baby brother hopefully has his eye surgery scheduled for the 15th, as of right now, he has cataract's and can't really see. You ought to see him, when he is trying to "see" the computer, he has his nose up against the screen...lol
Jam? was that ex-husband for me? lol, I've tried, tried to get him to not get married in the first place, tried to get rid of him a few times between there and now, after 10 years of it, his warranty has expired and I can't return him.
That cat of mine must be on the rail terrorizing the birds again. Their quiet. Squeek is the avatar that I have now, she's a little over two years old, and about the weirdest cat you will ever want to meet, she and our little shitzu (Claire) are best bud's, they were both little when we got them, it never failed to amaze Mom how much they get along, cat's and dogs are not suppose to do that, according to her. Told her that was the rule of the house, get along or someone (the one that started the trouble the most) would get gone..
Squeek got her name from the noise that she made because Claire would try and use her as a chew toy. But not to fear, Squeek held her own and more, Squeek was a kitten just weaned by her mommy and was still trying to nurse, she was up on the back of the couch one day hiding from Claire, Claire likes to sleep on her back, well, Squeek slides down the back of the couch and proceeds to try and nurse Claire with those sharp little baby teeth, I've never seen that dog move so fast. lol....
Now they take turns chasing each other around the house and the yard and when it is cold, will curl up in the chair together. Our other little dog is Maggie, we believe she is a Jack Russel, chi wawa mix, I know that last one isn't spelled right but can't think this morning..lol.. Maggie is a 9+ year old semi-pound hound (I joke about her making it through the front door and never getting booked). My husband and I decided we'd adopt a dog from the animal shelter, on Saturdays, it's strictly adoption, they will not accept animals in. We looked around and found a dog we were interested in taking home. The lady said that we ought to wait till Monday as they would wave the 70.00 fee, we figured what the heck, two days would not kill us or the dog. While we were sitting there though a lady came in with Maggie tucked under her arm, claiming she had "found" the dog (we knew she hadn't), could not get her to eat, and could not possibly keep her till Monday, we looked at each other and said that we would take her. One of the first things I do when bringing a animal home is if I am not sure they have ate anything recently is feed them, Maggie inhaled a can of dog food, so much for her "not" eating.
She was the biggest chicken at first, one day the cat decided to do her hide and pounce, Maggie flipped onto her back in a submissive posture and refused to get up. I literally had to pick her up and carry her home. She's better about that now, while she doesn't chase Squeek, she will fight back. Anyway, back to the saving 70.00, while we did save it, it ended up costing us $400.00, we got her on Saturday, I took her to the Vet for her check up and shots on Monday and we found out that she had heart worm, (we're figuring the lady that "found" her, actually found out she had heart worm and didn't want or could not pay for her treatment), With her being as old as she is, I wasn't sure what to do, so I called hubby and asked him what he thought, he said something very profound, " I would not want to be put down for something that could be cured" she went in the next morning to spend three days at the vet for treatment, when I brought her in the next morning, I told the ladies she was a real cuddle bug, that if they rubbed her belly now and then, she would be a very happy little camper, I had flipped her on her back in my arms, and was rubbing her belly, she closed her little eyes, her head dropped back onto my arm and she went to sleep...cracked the ladies up. Needless to say, Maggie got her belly rubbed quite a lot.
Big hugs to all, I wish you peace.
Debbie.....I would be proud to have had you for a daughter. You sound like you have such a level head on yor shoulders, and it seems as though you read something that strikes a chord, think about it, come up with a plan that you can use, and go for it. Like Rosella said, we admire and respect you very much.....more than you know, cause we have been doing this longer and know what it takes. Kudos, girl.
Starri.....I can see the humor breaking out of you !! You are going to give us a lot of laughter, Ican tell. Did I mention that hubby is getting a new old truck this next week. My butt is chapped from him kissing it now that I said yes. He sold a 1950 Ford and is now getting one from the 1970's.........for twce the money, of course !!!
HAHAHAHA
I hope ASG is on vacation with the kids and has gone somewhere nice and cool and that is why she isn't posting........ASG, ARE YOU OK? What did you do with Auntie???? You better not be in jail !!!
Mom is awake and on the pot, so my day is about to start whether I am ready or not.......everyone have a wonderful day and I will check in later.............
yearight......there is no room or need here for judgement. That's the last thing any of us need. The job we do daily is hard enough without someone who has no idea what we deal with to tell us we are wrong for feeling the way we do. We will offer advice, suggestions or give you a different angle of looking at something, but no one will be told their feelings are wrong. We are all doing the same basic job, but the day-to-day actual care is an unknown to each of us and thus doesn't give us the right to tell anyone what they are doing is wrong. Heck, I'm told that every day by the col, I don't need to hear it from anyone else....:)
I cherish all of you, and think of each of you daily and wonder what's happening with those who don't post but rarely. We all have a common denominator that sets us apart from a lot of other people and makes us a close-knit group.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Paula, I understand you so well about $ problems. My mother has a good retirement allowance, but between her money and the money I earn from my work, sometimes we don't arrive to the end of the month and I have to borrow money from relatives! (the "relatives" are some of my cousins: I don't even ask my brother because he thinks I am not organized and theoretically we should swim in money like Uncle Scrooge of Walt Disney). He has no real idea on how much it costs to keep a very, very ill person in good conditions! And to make her lead a pleasant life, which includes roaming in the car (she likes it), letting her have breakfast and snacks in che cafés (she likes it). I try to make my mother's life as pleasant as possible and it costs a LOT of money.
Yeahright: you deserve a vacation and it must be a real vacation, so don't think of taking your father with you! Relax!
Sandra i read your wall but I don't really understand what is going on. But my mother has Alzheimer so I am used to the fact that she complains all the time, she thinks I am torturing her... that's part of the disease! (for example, when I, or my helps, have to wash her in the morning she howls like a wolf). Is it going to improve with time? No, it's going to get worse. You should ask her doctor to prescrbe something to sedate her, even mildly. For the survival of everyone!
Ladee, I think Marie is just jealous of the good relation you have with Sonny. She shouldn't be, she should be happy if he is happy. These are strange dynamics... I am sure she will understand it with time and she'll understand she has found a pot of gold with you!
Vic: I always say that I made a statistic when I started to write on this site 1 year ago. 99% of the people who write here have NO help from their siblings. A sibling who helps is an exception! So, I think we have just to accept it and don't expect a help which will probably never come. You have every right to be stressed.
Debbiecakes: I am absolutely admired by the wisdom and sense of responsability of a girl, because you are a girl, of 25. I admire you a lot but I think you are taking on your shoulders problems that really don't belong to you, and you (and your younger sis) should live your life. You are living very important years in your life, you have to put the basis of YOUR future life. My advice is to be a little bit more selfish...
Burned: I am sorry for your stress... Yes we are all in the same boat...
If I forgot anyone, sorry... Love to all of you from this HOT Italy
Oh yes Starri! Never a moment of peace! Yes I agree with you. If your husband exaggerates, sell the camper!
I'm so sorry for those who are having a rough time of it. This care giving journey can really be SOMETHING, especially if you have family who won't help.
Well, I just got Dad to bed and I gotta get some stuff done, so peace to you all.
Debbie, You offer a lot, so don't underestimate yourself.. You are teaching us courage to follow our dreams and goals. You are teaching us how to ask for what we need and want.. the worst that can happen is someone will tell us NO.. but I gather from your posts that you probably have a plan B. And you are right, it is time for their children to step up, you are doing what so many fail to do.. You are saying I want my grandparents to live at home, but I can't and I won't do it by myself....You are setting yourself up for success, not failure.. And you will set an example for many on this thread... the more love and understanding we all get , the better off we will all be... so happy you have joined us... keep us updated on what is going on.... you are going to make a mark in this world... hugs to everyone..
And I don't think I can repeat or even remember anything of what I wrote before. But loved what you have written ladee......you are a very special person. As well as everyone here is.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Everyone: This is such a fast moving thread. There are so many posts and I am so busy during the day that I just can't keep up. I want everyone to know that even though I am new here, I do care about all of you and your situations. You are all becoming vital to my sanity very quickly, and I just hope that I will be able to be helpful to you as well. For now, unfortunately, being as I am just trying to get everything smoothed out in this house and going as good as it can, me being new to this whole situation and just sort of jumping into it head first, I'm afraid I don't have much to offer in the line of advice because I just don't have the experience you all have. But, I hope that I can be supportive, and be a friend to anyone that needs me to be.
Other news: As unrealistic as it seems, knowing that she hasn't offered in spite of knowing the situation, I am going to ask my mother if she can move here to Indiana because I need help. I am currently searching houses for rent in the area and I will even search jobs for my stepfather (who is not going to want to move). I need help, and I can't be the only one. I want my Grandparents to be as happy and comfortable as they can be, and that means their children need to step up and take some of this responsibility so that I can start my life too. My plan would be for me to continue living here and help out in the early mornings, and help out in the evenings when I'm not at work, and when I am working, my mother can be here to help. It's really a lot to ask, but at the same time, no one but me stepped up to the plate, and this is not just my responsibility. There is no reason why my sister can't go to school here other than she's used to getting up whenever she feels like it because she goes to school online. She needs a social life like a regular teenage girl. This could be good for everyone. I will let everyone know how this conversation with mom goes as soon as I can. Thanks again everyone.
I can not imagine not having this place to come to, to tell you how I feel, what I am struggling with, and just get plain stupid sometimes.... we are so blessed to have each other, to really understand what we are each going thru... to support even if we don't understand....
I am just grateful for each and every one of you... You all teach me something every day, you make me grateful, you make me laugh, you make me cry, you make me sad.
How can we say we "love" each other, having never met, and probably won't get to, well, that's what we do...... LOVE...
One of the reasons I am so grateful for this particular thread, is because there is so much mutual respect and support... and we can say how we feel, have a safe place to say it and get to know each other... hugs across the miles to you all
What would happen if you were not there? someone, or some place would need to step in and take your place. Ladee I believe said, tell them your going to go on a certain day and you do.. If it requires shifting them to a different location for the time needed, then that is what you do. Your not being mean, your not acting like you don't love them, etc, your doing what needs to be done most, your taking care of you, so that you can be there for others.
If you can't tell, I am done with putting up with "STUFF" out of anyone, told my mental health doctor today, that the "eldest" brother had pissed me off for the last time, his wife could call when he is dead and tell me where to send the flowers, the second to the eldest, I felt sorry for, believe he is next in line, but thankfully he has a sweet wife that will take good care of him, and I'll be around sometimes to cut her a break. My baby brother is who he is, between him and our friend, they make a whole person, the two of them can take care of each other. So for once in my life, that leaves me with no one really but me to take care of, still got the hubby, he's still breathing, but that might not last too long if he pushes it...rofl..
I am a diabetic and a long time ago, I was going to classes for nutrition at the local wellness center, Hubby (Glenn) was going with me, one of the ladies there, bless her heart could not remember what his name was, so she called him "Mr. Carmen" Carmen being my name, it stuck..we joke about it now, but this evening, he kept saying he was Mr. Carmen, it got on my nerves, told him he was not "Mr. Carmen" he was Mr. Glenn, Mr. Johnson, etc.. but he was going to be Mr. Divorced if he kept it up...
No offence meant to any men here, but you can't live with them, and you can't kill them..hahahaha.. For the ladies here that are having such a 'rough' time, please step back, take a breath, and say enough.. I believe it was Jam who said, take things in priority, make yourselves a list, and say Ok, this is the number one thing I need to do...etc.. and believe it or not, it's take care of "ME", if you don't take care of yourself, your of no use to anyone else. After taking care of yourself, what's next in line? and keep moving on.
((((((BIG HUGS))))) to all.
Vic, You are grateful or you never would have noticed the birds in the first place. What you are feeling is normal for all the stress you have..Hope you get away soon..
Seeme, as I have said before, better living thru chemistry... Thank God for their meds and for ours...glad to hear she had a better night, so you got to sleep some... it will all be like a bad dream here soon.... and then you will wonder where you got the energy and the stamina to do it all..
sandra, sorry things are having to be so hard to get some things done... but you know how she is, and know it will take time.. None of us want to go thru the craziness or stress to get things done, but you are doing it anyway, and that is what real courage is, doing it anyway... and seeme is right, do NOT give up school, no matter what..
burned, sorry to hear things are so crazy for you, but I really like what starri said, sometimes to NOT keep our word is the right thing to do...
Starri, have you taken the check book away from hubby yet, doesn't he realize you will need money for gas!!!! It would be your luck to be out of money and have to camp in your own back yard.. wouldn't that suck...
And for those of you who need a break and can't get one, do what Deefer did, told all her siblings what day she was leaving, and watched them scramble... as long as you are asking and not telling, then you will be doing what you are doing... easier said than done I know....
Jam, let the col fold Target's underwear... and maybe instead of intervening every time he looses it, TELL him what you told us about why he does it.. What's the point if you end up doing it anyway... Target is not stupid........
Don't know what I read here this evening that triggered a memory of me driving down the freeway, pounding the steering wheel, and screaming at the top of my lungs at something my dad said... because like all our charges, it is all about them....
Said some really horrible things that day, have no regrets tho, it just was what it was... we do get pushed to that point before we say "enough" or we die doing this job.....
If I missed anyone I am sorry, will try to catch up more later,,,, hugs across the miles to you all.
Love and Hugz,
Jam