This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
How long has it been that he can't hold down food or liquid? My mom was like that, and I called her doctor, he said like 2 days only without keeping fluids down before hauling her to the ER.
Let your folks know that you understand and appreciate their desire to keep more stress from you, but let them know that it stresses you even more when you find out about it with not being included in the first place. My mom was a good one for not wanting to "bother" me, and I had told her time and time again, it bothered me more by her not wanting to "bother" me.
She laid in pain a couple of nights, not wanting to bother me about her pain pills (at that time she was staying on her own) Second time I found out about it, she lost her right to stay alone.
I know that you "agreed" to not take him to a nursing home, but stop and think if maybe that would be the best idea? I wanted to keep Mom at home, but it became impossible for me to be able to control her pain. I had to make the decision to place her in hospice, she passed the next day. I believe for myself and for her, that was the best solution.
I will keep you in my prayers, remember sometimes we have to "not" keep our word to do the right thing.
Bad thing is she thought everything was done........I had to break it to her that things weren't fixed yet at all......by this morning she had forgotten again and had out her undies and knee socks, sitting buck naked on the bed, wanting to get dressed and get going. Sorry, mom, bottom needs air, no panties, using depends, still got drainage, gotta get it fixed, etc., etc.
Noon and no shower yet, will try now............
My solution to the problem would be to call your mom, and any and all other aunts and uncles. THEY should handle the situation, since your GM is THEIR mother. If you are being paid to stay with her, then your hours will have to change for your schooling. No different than other employees. And yes, you need help. They will always say no to change.. It may turn out to be the best thing you ever did. I would be thrilled to have Ladee take care of me !!! LOL If GM has to be moved to go live somewhere else, so be it. Let her children step up to the plate. If this "advice" doesn't fit your situation, please tell me........good, bad, or indifferent.
Prayers to you and let us know what is happening.........
Love and Hugz,
Jam
I hope you do get a break and get to spend some time with hubby.. I was away from home for so much time, our dogs about forgot who I was and I believe hubby was liking having the bed to himself too much..lol..
I hope your day stays as wonderful as the morning is.
I have a sitter that comes one day a week but it would be sooooooo nice to get away from it all. I do have to say that my husband is fantastic! He works away from home so he is gone two weeks and home two weeks. He takes the load when he is home. But it would be so nice to have a few days together somewhere anywhere that we could sleep all night. I love my parents SO VERYMUCH but right now I just want and need to get away. My mom is mobile and in great physical and mental health and my dad is wheelchair bound, cant stand etc. He needs all the physical care... bathing, dressing, bathroom. He can feed himself and reads. He calls throughout the night to use bathroom.
I feel angry all the time now. Which is horrible. Short tempered. Everyday I ask God to help me to love and be kind and patient... I say today will be a good day and mostly each day is but inside myself I am fighting with myself...tired tired tired...
Oh well. It is a beautiful morning right now with the birds chirping the temp perfect sitting on the porch...I should be more grateful for these moments.
Thanks for letting me rant.
WooHoo!!!!! yearight gets some respite time!!!!! What do you have planned to do? In our minds we are going with you.........so what are we doing?
Paula welcome......I'm sorry you are having such financial problems. SS unfortunately isn't enough to support one person well, let alone two. I wish you luck in finding something part-time to help you out. Maybe if you share what is in your area we might be able to come up with some ideas to help you out.
starri.....the law group that I used to get my SSD told my husband to call them back in July and they would get the process going, so by the time a year had gone since his initial disability he would be approved by Feb.....so I hope it gets done easily. I'm tired of fighting the so-called bureaucracy. I got screwed out of my long-term disability, so I'm not fond of people in charge that don't have a clue of what really goes on.
I guess it's time to go put the col in bed. I left her watching a movie....yes I changed the channel again....I'm sure she has fallen asleep on the couch. I will be without my helper for 3 days in a row......not sure I can stand that. The col is so much better with her here. She has tried arguing and getting her way and it doesn't work. She will only do that with me, so 3 days of it will make me nuts!!
Love and Hugz to all of our friends,
Jam
I'm taking the magazines, and he and I will look at pictures.. I also put food on his plate she swears he doesn't like, he eats it... HE HAS ALZ., HE DOESN'T REMEMBER WHAT HE DOESN'T LIKE !!!!!! of course I screamed that in my head, not out loud...
I realize she has been sick for a long time, and guess at some point she just gave into it, the glass is half empty, and I really do sympathize with her. Maybe she is jealous of how Sonny and I laugh and get along... In my way of thinking, I am taking the responsibility of him off of her the few hours I am there.. I have him on a schedule, he is sleeping much better at night, ect... He is eating better, going to the bathroom once instead of ten times a day... told her today he needed a stool softer, but that I would start pushing more water on him... She goes thru this long thing about how he always does that, thinks he has to go to the bathroom, and sets in there and grunts and groans... I went in there and asked him not to flush so I could see what I needed to do to help him... sure enough, he needs a stool softner...
Hopefully she was just having a bad day... she seems almost dissapointed that she wasn't going to need a transfusion this week... She is always complaining of her hip hurting, but won't get up and move around, HH RN said she was ordering PT for her again, and she got mad... I do not know how bad she feels, I don't know, but think she is depressed, which she has reason to be. But as caregivers regardless of the situation, why is it we are the ones they take it out on....
If she is still like that tomorrow I am going to talk with her.. I have my ways of getting to the heart of the matter, what I want to say is maybe you need to fight a little. but I do not have the right to say that to her as I do not know how tired and discouraged she is...sometimes people just need to have their situation acknowledged and honored, that is about all I can do if she refuses to do anything for herself.. I hired on to help both of them, but if she refuses my help, then my energy goes to Sonny.. He is my shadow, always asking if there is something he can do to help... today, we went out to bring the garbage can back to the house, he was pushing it along and he says" You want a ride, wouldn't that be fun"........ I laughed and told him it would be a lot harder to push, he said he didn't care, he wanted to have some fun.... What polar opposites they are.... anyway it wasn't a hard day by any means, just hadn't dealt with that part of her yet....
still no place to live, getting stressful, but Jam sent something the other day, and two lines of it really resonated with me.... " when we are down to nothing, God is up to something".... those two lines have helped me so much when I start to get discouraged about getting away from here.. So thanks Jam, for sharing that...
Hope everyone is ok this evening, I am going to bed and read, pretend I do not have all this grown up crap to deal with... love and hugs to everyone...
T scan today. The dr found the other end of the fistula and I even have a colored picture. The C-T scan should have mapped out the path it took from one organ to the other, so now we should have what the surgeon needs at Duke to fix the problem. The last 2 months have been a trial.....maybe the next couple of weeks will see an end to this mess.
I know there have been some new people here that I hope we can all help.
Debbiecakes.....makes me hungry every time I see that name.
Soverytired........You must be my long lost sibling cause we have the same name....er.....condition.
I hope to add more tomorrow. Starri, Linda, Rosella, Jam, Ladee, ASG...I MISS YOU.....Burned, Car 54 and whoever else I missed, just cyber-slap me and I'll be back soon...got my first night back with mom on the bedpan..............zzzzzzzzzzz
"For there is nothing sweeter than his peace when at rest.
For there is nothing brisker than his life when in motion"....
These are 2 lines of a poem which I will send you on Facebook.
Yeahright, us and our cats... it is amazing how many caregivers have animals. My cat, the Diva rules the house, she just "lets" me stay here.... she does not like many people so will not let my neighbor in the house.... gotta love it,,, she bows up, growls and hisses, don't like my neighbor anyway so never have to worry about her coming in the house when I am not here.... Enjoy your days off, don't let the guilt ruin your time away!!!! And what is there to feel guilty about???? I think I hate GUILT as much as I hate Alz. Hugs to you...
My brother actually agreed to come over late evenings and spend the night!!! Will miracles never cease! I think it's because I silently begged God in my head for weeks. Hey, whatever it takes.
And I have other caregivers set up to cover the days. I'm afraid to get to excited for fear I will wake up to find that it is all a dream.
I'm feeling guilty about not taking dad, but I will try to work through it. He wont even know I'm gone.
I have heard that SSD is a nightmare. Workers comp. is even worse. If I ever get
injured on the job again I will not use workers comp. YUCK!!! I'd rather eat dirt.
Rossellamex, I love to take pics of my cats to.
One of my favorite sayings is by Albert Schweitzer : There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life music cats. Of course I have to add chocolate to that........ oh and don't forget the beer. A beer is always nice. Blessings
My cousin, who works in the same field but she is an actress (she makes the dubbings) some years ago had waited for months and months to be paid by one of these firms. So one day she went there, and the boss told her for the 1000th time: "yes, we are going to pay you very soon, don't worry". And she didn't believe him anymore, so she took a computer of that office (she unplugged all the wires), she took the computer in her arms and went toward the door, saying "I accept it as a payment!" (my cousin is a smart, smart woman). And the boss stopped her and said "Come here, I sign you a check!" I am not going to do this for 250 euros!!!! She did it because they owed her a lot of money!
Starri, what can we do with these men????? I'm an old maid and never managed to understand how they "work", I hoped that you married ladies could give me some explanations! (at least, to explain the past, because I don't foresee any more love stories in my future. I'd like to understand what happened with the past ones, just because I am curious)
Ladee, my cat photo album has 3 more photos. The less I work, the most I take pictures of cats.
I did the filing on my own, was denied twice, once is pretty standard practice with them, after the second time I hired a attorney, he represented me in a "hearing" before a judge, which is considered the third round with them.
It was one of those video things, she was on a TV in Knoxville, TN, I was in Greenville, SC. My attorney gets 1/4 of my back pay, the SS takes that before they send you it and then if they have taken more than what the rep is due, they send you the rest after they get done paying them. My attorney is going to make out like a bandit, maybe two weeks worth of work and it's over 3,000.00 the SS took out for them..lol, I don't care, at least it got approved and I am done with the mess for at least three years, they can review it after that and determine if I am still disabled or not. They did that to my brother a few times, before the next one called, and said "oh, I don't know why we are doing this", lol, like "duh" MS is not going to get any better.
Hope your husband gets it quickly.. it's a aggravation. It's like they almost try to starve you to death, before they'll give it too you, my brother almost lost everything he owned before they finally gave it to him.
Welcome to all of our new posters.....I will get caught up with everyone today I hope!
Nothing new going on here.......listening to Target put dinner in the crockpot, the col is having her breakfast, all the dogs have taken numerous trips outside, the underwear IS NOT getting folded, and I'm sitting and drinking my coffee and contemplating buying a new mattress. Haven't started on ladee's quilt yet....shame on me!
I listen to other people's horror stories about dealing with SS disability and I guess I was one of the lucky ones. After I was injured in Oct 2009, my long-term disability carrier sent me information on a company they work with that works to get your SSD. I read through all the information and it kept saying that nothing will come directly out of my pocket and their fee would be taken from any lump sum settlement I got. Okay, I finally decided to let them do all the paperwork and it was within a couple of months I received a letter from them and SS saying I was approved and would be getting a check soon. The whole thing took about 3 mo because my back pay was $6000. The fee for the company was like $800 and they had taken that out before I got the big check. My dil, who has MS, was turned down for SSD, so I sent her to them and they are working to get hers approved. My husband retired with a disability last Feb and when he called the company they told him you have to be disabled for 1 yr before you can apply. So apparently they changed the law. But I don't understand why because that would mean there would always be a huge back pay due. So I am going to do a little research on that one. This company was great and told me that if you try to do it all yourself chances are you will be turned down several times, I wasn't. So I highly recommend them. And if anyone is interested I can give you the information on my wall.
Will check back later.........
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
BananaMarie, welcome, and vent all you want.. this is the place.... you will read many stories on this whole sight about siblings not helping.. that's why I call my siblings,"the ugly sisters"...so keep coming back and telling us how you feel, we care and we listen..
Debbie, hope you get the papers, and get them signed by your grandmother with the least amount of trouble, doesn't sound like it will happen that way, but you sound determined to take good care of your grandparents and hope things get a little easier for you...
Starri, well, I hope your teeth aren't gritted off to nubs before you get to leave on vacation.... you know how to handle hubby, so other than the extra stress you'll eventually get your vacation....
soverytired, I am sorry for not welcoming you yesterday.. Don't know much about you story, please share more, so we can help if we can.. If not, keep on venting, this is what this is all about, getting it out... pray for you to have a better day...
Jam, have you started on my quilt yet? Are the underwear still in the basket?? And yes the col will get a haircut, sedate her first, when she wakes up she will think she agreed to it and will love it....
Seeme, so happy to know things are finally on the right track with your mom... get some rest while you can...
Hugs and prayers for everyone this morning, need to get ready for work, to go see what new surprises Sonny has for me today....
And Rossella, go get your money girl, relieve some of that frustration on them and get your money or drop mama off and tell them you are not coming back until they give you your money..... love ya
Ladeeda? the non-ego purchases, are things that are "actually" needed. He does do his best though to buy the most expensive things that he can find. I've been in the process of trying to train him for the last 11 years..told him one time if he got nothing else out of this marriage, he would at least make some woman a good husband...rofl.
I was sole support for many of those, when he did have a job, I could time it to almost the day he would either get fired or quit. So he's been learning how to come to a decision that maybe he doesn't need the 500.00 brakes when a 50.00 set will do just as well. I finally gave up one day on making him find a job, when a friend of his told him that because he was over 50, getting his disability would be a piece of cake, 2.5 years later he finally got it, and only because I stayed on his butt about doing the paperwork.
Made him apply for his VA disability because I wasn't paying for insurance to cover him and myself (half my check), if he could not keep a job. Between the two incomes he now brings in, it allowed me to come home, be able to take care of him, my brother and Mom and file for my own disability. I'd been working in extreme pain for over 8 years.
Rossellamex? isn't there some kinda official board or something you can go too? we have a government agency here that takes care of that kinda thing. I had to go to them one time over a employer not paying me over time I was due, they had to pay it along with interest for how long I had to wait. I'm jealous over the beach, I live a 6 hour drive away and hubby isn't really interested in going, so he ends up laying in the bed in the hotel room, and if I want to do something, I have to do it on my own.
Hope everyone has a peaceful day...
When we go to the beach, the group is: Mother - Daniela (the helper of the morning) + Daniela's 5 years old child + me. Daniela and I make shifts to stay near my mother (who otherwise would flee) and Daniela's child bathes with her mother or with me. So, the child has a pleasant morning, and Daniela and I have time to enjoy the beach even though you can't say that we really enjoy it 100%. I hope we can do it this week, too, if that SOB of one of my employers pays me! (he is 15 days late!!!)