The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

Hey Rossella, any work yet?? How is mom today? Did ya'll go to the "water" today?? It is so beautiful, I am afraid I would have to sleep on the beach with a rope tied around mama so she didn't wander off.... hugs across the miles to you...

Hey everyone... I better get my stuff down here before this stupid computer starts messing with my mind again...
Seeme, what is going on with the Dr's??? Hope we hear from you, I am worried...
Starri, husbands!!! See, that is why I no longer have one of those, and now if I get pissy or don't have enough money, it REALLY is all my fault... lol... doesn't he realize on some level that you just lost your mom and do not need this stress on top of it all?And I didn't know men bought anything that wasn't about ego... you'll have to fill me in on purchases that are not guided by that for men... hmmm, had no idea..
Debbie, you are the most amazing young woman.. taking the bull by the horns,, and you are right, this sight has more info than we would ever use, but covers everything... happy to see you are getting into action before things go downhill.
Jam, am proud of you for not folding the damned underwear,, Target needs to have chapped lips, it is his turn to "make the col happy", hehehehe...and ask him if he has been shopping for my birthday gift....

My "Sonnyism" for the day.. I finally have him on a schedule, will not let him sleep all morning, and then have to keep him busy...after lunch he wanted to lay down, told him no, he had things he had to help me with.. We dried the dishes, put things up, emptied trash cans into the big one, and took the garbage can to the road... on the way back in the house he said" I ain't gonna let you work me this hard again unless I get on the payroll" bahahahahaha!!!! I know the neighbors heard me laughing.. now he could not put the spoon with the spoons in the drawer, but he still has that humor... Bless his heart....
Am going outside to smoke,,, the heat is killing me,, hugs to everyone...

Debbie, I am Italian so I can't give you any advice on what to do from the legal point of view about your grandma. It seems to me the other ladies have given you good tips-
I can just tell you that my mother had the same reactions 5/6 years ago; she didn't want any help from anyone, she didn't want a caregiver, she didn't want to come live with me... It was always a "no" and my brother and I were getting crazy because we knew that she put herself in danger every minute. Then, one day, she fell from a high ladder in the middle of the night, because she wanted to put something in the cupboard. She couldn't call anyone; the following day my brother had to smash the door to get into the house. From that moment on, she accepted a caregiver part time, and so on and so on, and now she lives with me. The period where they start to have problems in organizing their life, is also the period that they claim their independence and it is very difficult for the people around them! It is just a period which will necessarily pass. Good luck!

took a couple of minutes digging but I found it,

http://www.caringinfo.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm?pageid=3289

your welcome Debbie, I found a place on line that had the paperwork I needed, and then hospice was sent in by her cancer doctor, so I ended up not needing the ones I printed off, if I can find the link to it, I'll post it here, they have paperwork for every state I believe.

I really have no idea what I am doing when it comes to getting these documents so I really appreciate that bit of direction Starri.

Oh thanks so much.

my fingers are crossed and I am sending up prayers for you, that she comes around, mine finally did, but it took her being told flat out by her cancer doctor that A: she had cancer, it was small cell, went from the lungs into the liver, B: surgery was out of the question, C: radiation was out of the question D: Chemo would just kill her faster, she lasted about 6 to 7 weeks after being diagnosed.

I hope that you do not have to go the way of the courts...if you have family, you might have a fight on your hands, I told the brothers that I was going to do that if I had too, one said he would fight me, told him to bring it on, his butt wasn't here to take care of her. Thankfully I didn't have to have that fight. You can contact the local hospice, talk with the social worker there, she/he can provide you with information on how to find them, or get them for you.. They took care of that for me.

Yeah Starri. I'm not allowed to go to her dr appointments. I have made a decision though. I am going to obtain these documents that I need, and she can yell and scream if she wants to, but she will understand that she needs to sign them and why before it's over. I am going to have to tell her that if she won't sign them on her own, I will have to do this through a judge, and I really don't want to do that. I would much rather cooperation. She knows she needs me to be here, and I know she knows she's having trouble with things. She doesn't need to come out and admit it...but if I can just get her to cave enough to sign the papers then that's perfect enough for me. I just read an article that was posted here and that got my wheels turning. If Gram has dementia I have to get these documents before she's too far gone. And I also need POA for Grampa.

hey ladeeda, to be perfectly honest? I am presently not a very happy camper, using the computer at home for the moment and probably for the next three months, I refuse to start our trip with less than 3,000.00 sitting in the bank account and darling hubby decided last night he wanted to buy a kindle (170.00) books to go along with it, didn't add those up, a tent we do not need as we have the camper, a 5 gallon water jug, ok fine, we can always use that if we break down in the middle of the desert..and a d***ed "air horn" plus wiring for his motorcycle..what in the world does he need a "air horn" for? That purchase I believe is what I call a "ego" purchase, he told me about the books, (he can already read them on both laptops and the computer at home) failed to mention the other stuff, I didn't know about them till I opened the bank account online and saw that the almost 4,000.00 we had for the trip was now less than 3500.00 we still need to get some things replaced on the truck, minimum 500.00, get the bike it's tune up, 600.00. It's one of those spyder things you see on TV now, the ones with the two wheels in front.. (can we say ego purchase?) I went off on him the other day for his insane purchases..(over 500.00) for tie downs for the camper, when he was telling me about some 200.00 ones he was looking at, they say women and bipolar's are the ones that run out and spend money that they should not... it ain't me and I am both..lol.. We did manage to get the trailer for the bike for what we agreed on with the guy, I wasn't having a good day and Hubby called me to tell me the trailer that the guy agreed to sell us for 950, he was going to raise that amount, I went off on hubby and on the guy, told hubby he would either sell at the agreed price or he would not be selling period, we got it for the agreed price and he threw in a hitch ball to go along with it...lol.. some times it pays to be a b****,

Starri, how are you feeling this afternoon, you aren't using your laptop at a roadside park are ya???? I know you were wanting to run away this morning.......that's something I think we all feel on a day to day basis.. hope you are feeling better, hugs to you.....
And Jam, let that butt kissing continue, is there a new piece of jewelry you want, or something like that??? now is the time,, and DO NOT FOLD THE UNDERWEAR !!!!

sad that you have to do that Debbie, I was lucky that I live where I do, her doctor would listen and tell me what was going on, I started going in with Mom to her doctors appointments about two years ago.. I tried talking with her about the POA, about getting a living will and her cremation all in order, she refused to even think about it, till just a month before she passed.

Like you said, you have no legal backing at the moment, there isn't much you can do, about the only way I can think of, is if she is a danger to herself or someone else, you might be able to approach a judge about a competence hearing.

Debbie, do I ever relate!!! The circumstances are different, but the feelings are the same.. I was a live in for Ruth, (who has sense passed away) and I could NOT get the daughter to listen to anything I said in regard to Ruth's health. Ruth had Alz.. and of course I had no legal rights, nor did was I able to convince the daughter... So yes, until something happened, Ruth broke my leg in one of her violent episodes, THEN something was done... like I said, different circumstances but I was still hearing
"You need to......) and there was nothing I could do... And if you and your mom have talked about this and agreed that something will have to happen first, then you have done all you can.... Grandmother may find that she will have to pay someone , just because you are "family" does not mean you have to worry yourself half to death over things you have no say so about... Continue with school, keep your job, take time to have some fun, and the rest will happen as it will. You hang in there and know you are doing the best you can.... hugs to you...

Yes I have spoken with my Grandmother about that. She refuses. You guys say that like it's easy to get the people you care for to accept help and medications. In my case, my Grandmother is refusing it and when I bring it up she starts crying and yelling and screaming and following me around the house for hours going on and on relentlessly until I have to leave, and then she goes on even more begging me not to leave. I cannot just "do" it. I have no legal backing, she would never sign papers allowing me or anyone to obtain POA. I have already spoken to her dr and voiced my concerns and he is being very passive about it. There is nothing I can do but wait until something happens.

soverytired......as Linda09 says, you are burned out and THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.....I assume you are taking care of a parent and you are trying to explain things to siblings? Save your breath and your sanity. They don't care as long as their lives are not being intruded upon and you don't ask them for money. Oh, but when their parent is no longer there, these same siblings will be the ones that cry and wail the loudest. And will be the first ones standing there with their hands out. I went through that same thing last Dec with my two youngest siblings when my mother passed. When I stopped trying to get them to visit with Mom, I felt better.....in my mind they didn't exist anymore, so I didn't need to interact with them, report on mom's health, etc. I did send a message to my younger sister the night Mom passed telling her she needed to come to the NH before she died. She sent me a text message back that said "I'm sorry, I just can't do that". I haven't spoken since....and I guess I'm hard enough that I don't miss her. A lot of other things went on at that time, that I won't get into, that contributed to those feelings. You found us because you were looking for a safe place to let your feelings out, where others would understand you, and where no one would judge you for those feelings. Everyone of us is glad you are here and we are more than happy to listen to what you have to say......so spill it sister! We laugh, cry and sometimes get silly, but we are here for you.

Debbie don't give up yet. Have you talked with Grandma about what would happen if she got sick and couldn't answer for herself? That might be a good starting point. Have you tried talking with her doctor about your concerns? Or you could pass on your concerns to his nurse and the next time Grandma is in for a check-up they would be aware that there are problems. If Grandma trusts her doctor, then she might be more willing to take medications to help her. Does anyone have POA, your mother maybe? If not, then that would be the first step to take. I know this is not an easy thing to do.

Must go to the pharmacy before I decide I'd rather have a nap. Heather will only be here 2 days this week....darn it....I'm liking this too much...:)

Love and Hugz,
Jam

Sovery, welcome, I can totally relate to where your coming from, had tried for two years to convince my brothers that Mom was getting more and more confused by the day, no one wanted to listen. Please don't feel like your being judged, mine thought I was crazy, and you know what? I truly didn't give a d***, I knew sooner or later they would realize what it was I was trying to tell them.

I have a tendency to be blunt, I like short sweet and to the point, with no chance of misunderstanding. No body in the family cares for it, but like I told my "eldest" brother when he was out here, you might not like what I say, you might not like how I say it, but I can only give you what I know or believe to be the truth. People can call me many things, but a liar and a thief are not two of them..lol..

There is nothing wrong with you, your trying to share your feelings with people who just plain out don't care.. Come here, we do care.. to h*** with the rest of them.

Thanks everyone for the encouragement about my Gram. The only problem is, my Grandmother is refusing to allow me to have any say over her doctor visits and things like that. She refuses to take any medications that would help her as well. So finding another Dr. is pretty much not going to happen. My mother lives a couple of states away, and she and I have just agreed that things will just have to get worse before it will be addressed. It's sad, but since my Grandmother still has much of her independence and physical health, it just makes it so much more difficult to do something about it.

soverytired - ure burnt out and people around u are avoiding you .
keep comin back here , this site is a great place to whine , vent , moan cuz we all are in the same boat youre in .
today the weathers a blah day and it makes me feelin blahhhhhhh .
think i ll go walk my dog . xoxo

I am not good today. I think I have finally realized although probably not accepted that I'm exhausting myself by trying to explain my perspective and no one (in the family) is interested in my perspective. I feel "judged" from providing my perspective. Yet I want so badly for someone to understand. And there is no one. And every conversation is a dead end and leaves me feeling more hurt. What's wrong with me?

Hello to all. My heart goes out to you. I am 60 with a 96 year-old mother in the moderate stage of AD. She is relatively healthy except for the AD. She could go on to 100+ except that she is a danger to herself. I have POA and have been the main caregiver for years. Mom lives in her own home (bank now owns it due to a reverse mortgage to pay for full-time homecare aides). I have 3 siblings, 2 who are retired and one who is semi-retired. Over the past several years there has been little to no help from the brothers and scattered help from my sister because they had ft jobs. Now that they have more time I would have expected a larger contribution timewise to our mom. I live very close to my mother so I am at her house a lot. I have never minded looking after her until now. With sibs retired and full-time care I would like a life of my own. Mom used to be so nice and understanding of my situation (verbally abusive spouse for over 30 yrs. which has increased as my mother's AD has progressed). She is now combative and argumentative and unpleasant to be around. She insists on controlling things and she is clearly not capable. If she poops in her pants which happens about 1 or 2X a week, it is always someone else's fault. She doesn't want anyone in the bathroom with her to help clean herself and clothes after her accidents even though she is unsteady on her feet and falls frequently. Her hygiene is gross. I caught her washing her soiled pants in the toilet. And then she washed them with the bar soap on the vanity. Ironically she has OCD over the cleanliness of things in the house to the extent that she will scour the kitchen sink drain for 1 to 2 hours at a time. She complains that no one cleans like she can. The aides call me with problems a lot. What are they there for? My mother snaps at me for no reason, but not at the sibs when they are there (which is rare except for sis). I am walking on eggshells in my own household (it is hardly mine now that the college graduate dtr. has moved in with her bf and taken over) and then I have to walk on eggshells at mom's not knowing how she is going to react to anything. Her paranoia is incredible. The homecare aide scolded my mom for her treatment of me the other day. That is useless because she doesn't remember what she did anyway. Her doc has been trying to adjust meds so that she sleeps at night and has a better disposition but nothing seems to work. I used to be so patient and caring and now I have little to no patience . I come home and either rage or cry. I do not know how you live in the same house with a person like this. I have so much respect and admiration for all of you who can do such a good job. I do not intend to visit my mother's house this week unless there is an emergency. I try to remember how she used to be and then I miss her. I am also looking into divorcing the abuser if I can survive financially. I haven't worked in 26 yrs. but for a short pt job here or there. I need to get my life back and I can't. I need to decide what I want to be when I grow up and it is getting late for that. I might be able to cope with Mom if I had less stress in my private life. But when the $ runs out to pay homecare aides I am afraid it will fall on me. I am embarrassed that I have allowed myself to get into this situation and when my mother needs me I am not there emotionally. I have read several books and vent to my sis and friends but reading is not the same as the actual experience. I am going on and on, but it is nice to have a place to vent. Thank you for this opportunity.

seeme.....it's very easy for them to get pneumonia and that is a tremendous killer of the elderly. Sorry to be blunt, but I have seen too many over the years die from it. That's what took my mother.

Went and picked up the col's dog. He is doing fine. Butt looks a little painful, but it doesn't seem to bother him. They also took the "mole" off his right lower eyelid, cauterized it. So I take him down to her and the dog immediately goes over and starts scratching his eye on the carpet. Yep, you guessed it....blood all over him, the floor, me.....and the col just sits there like a bump on a log. Completely oblivious to it all. Heather cleaned the carpet while I cleaned the dog, then I wrapped the leash around the col's hand and told her to keep hold of him so he won't do that again!!!!!!!

Trying to get caught up on things today that I have been putting off. Hope I succeed.

Love and Hugz to all,
Jam

mslisadoll.....glad you came back....I am right there with you......I got a call from a very good friend yesterday here locally. Haven't seen her for a while cause now she's divorced and dating a man we have met and like, but with whom we have no history. She wants to go out and have fun and we can't join her, and my conversation has gotten very limited topic wise. So we spent the whole 20 min talking about what is next for mom.

Starri, I will try the melatonin.....I actually saw it where hubby gets his vitamins and it just didn't register....no surprise there !!!

Well, mom woke up befroe I could finish this....says she hurts everywhere...she coughed and grabbed her chest, so I called the dr.....he says take her to the ER. He is booked up solid till Wed. and I think she has bronchitis. And he also told me to make sure she goes into the hospital for the clean out. She is too great a risk for dehydration. Later I will stop there for some more sterile urine cups, I will just cath her for the next UTI test. Almost noon and I am still trying to get b/fast down her and am pills. Later.................

Good Morning Posse!!!

Cloudy and rainy right now...and cool....70 degrees compared to the 90 something yesterday.

starri....good idea on the melatonin......I was standing in our favorite store the other day, in the pharmacy section, and saw some on the shelf by all the sleep aids. And yes it's Charmin that makes the TP with lotion, we've used it around here since it first came out.

lisa.....glad you came back to visit! Yes, it is sad to look forward to a trip to Wal-Mart. Sometimes that's the only place we can get some "outside" human contact. I made friends with one of the cashiers several months ago and she watches for me to come in and when she doesn't see me for a week or two she starts to worry. And she always asks about the col and how she is doing. Some people will not be honest about anything, no matter the consequences and there are those who have to know your business and make it a point to find out everything. I used to work with a person like that.....I finally would start my day with a smile on my face and it drove him crazy trying to find out why......of course I never said anything. Friends should hang out with you and find out what it's like to be in "the trenches" and should listen when you need to let off some steam or laugh about things before you go crazy. Unfortunately, when you are out of the loop, others just don't get what we are doing and they are so busy with their own lives that they don't give us a second thought. If you feel the need to bitch or complain, you can come here and do it all you want. Get it out of your system, then you can go about your day.

Underwear is still in the basket......of course my backside is getting tired of being kissed. I guess I should go off the deep end more often.

ladee......hope you have a good day with Sonny and Marie.......hahahahahah...that just hit me....Donny and Marie...yes, sometimes I'm very slow.

seeme.....let us know how things go....I know you will, just letting you know we are thinking of you.

Hope everyone else checks in and let's us know how you are. Must take a shower now so I can go pick up the dog.

Love and Hugz to all,
Jam

Starri, your reactions are only too normal. You need time to recover from the period you have been through.

yeah, sometimes u don't know whether to laugh or cry especially when people will not be honest with u and nosey people will not stay out from up your ass. also miss friends of mine that havent' seen in a while but hard when you are kinda tied to the homestead and don't want to bitch or complain about it

That's pretty bad when you are excited to go to walmart (lol)...

hi Seeme I know you said no more experiments, but have you tried melatonin?, it can be gotten at a health food store, it's a naturally occurring chemical? that we produce in our bodies that helps with sleep, as we age, we produce less. A half mill to 1 mill, might just do the trick. I would not go over 1 and would try cutting it in half first if you can't find the .5's.

I've used it before and it worked well as a sleep aid, I've tried the 3.0 and for me personally, it was too much, was groggy for the most of the next day. Talk with her doctor and see what they say. Those wet wipes they have for adults and babies as well, might be easier on the butt.. had to use them on hubby when he had sepsis and on mom there towards the end. Baby wipes are a heck of a lot cheaper than the adult, can be gotten at a dollar store..I think it is Charmin that might put out a aloe version of TP.

Starri, sorry you are having a rough time right now... and yes husbands can be insensitive at times... maybe you need to go over to your moms and get what you want while it its still there.. Men don't think about things like that, to them it's just "stuff". You have been thru a lot , are tired, lonely for you mom, and needing a break.. We don't compare who has had the toughest day, we are all in this together. The "during" and the "after". Glad you posted what you were feeling and thinking..we love ya and are happy you are still posting.. We worry when we don't hear from you... You weren't whining, you were saying how you were feeling.... we are here for you...
Seeme, hope you get Dr.s appt's today and it isn't a big hassle. And Kathy is an earth angel for you....you need a break so bad... let us know what you find out with Dr's today...
Jam, I hope the underwear is still setting in the basket... Target uses the word "torture" a lot in regard to the col... he might need to see what that is about...
Debbie, hope we hear from you today... there is another young lady on here , Allshesgot, that will check in today, maybe if you talk to her about being so young and doing this job she can be more help than us "old ladies". She is a sweetheart and is very loving and supportive... hugs to all, need to get ready for work..

My last experiment didn't work. Kathy said she saw every minute of her 8 hr shift. She gave mom 2 Tylenol PM and it was on........mom is just filling up the septic tank with paper.....she hollered for everyone in the whole world, names we never heard before. Bless her heart, Kathy says of coure she will come back and staying up all night is part of her job. The smell was particularly bad and toward the end she saw blood, but mom probably wiped herself raw, so......... no more experiments with sleep drugs............She has been out for 45 min now, but it is also morning, so...............who knows......

Will get some sleep while she is out......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Welcome Debbie, you've found a good place to come and vent, talk and ask questions, I don't know that I can be of much help, but I know that the others here can.

Thank you ladies for such a good laugh at 3AM..lol, not been a good day, hasn't been a good night, and I am sitting here seriously considering getting in my car and getting out of here for a few days.

Only problem with escaping is I need my cpap and it's in the bedroom with hubby, he's a light sleeper otherwise I would do my best to sneak in there and get it. Not sure where I would take off too, but somewhere, need some peace badly, as I am definitely sure that all of you do as well, more than me actually.. Kinda feel like a whiner for feeling this way after reading all that you go through, I am still amazed you survive this day in and day out.

Found out today what brothers idea of not throwing things away was, it's throw it in a box and donate, the donating on it's own is not a bad thing, let someone else get use out of it, but he's always said that he was going to sit on the porch and watch everyone else haul Mom's stuff out, and here he is doing the exact thing that he has accused everyone else of, and I truly don't believe he has a clue... no consideration that someone might want a memory.

What little sleep I have gotten tonight was with dreams of talking with Mom and fighting with the brother. Hubby can be a real insensitive idiot sometimes, made a comment after I told him about the dreams, that made me want to ring his chimes for him.. If it wasn't for the fact that I do not believe in raising a hand to another person in anger, I probably would have.

So that is where I am at the moment, needing sleep and afraid too. I see my mental health doctor in a couple of days, think I am going to talk with her about a sedative or something, don't know that she will give them to me though, got stupid a few years back when under a lot of stress and ended up in the local mental hospital for a week, after spending 4 days in the hospital getting the excess meds out of my system.

Take care everyone, I hope that you find a few hours of peace and quiet to help rest your body and soul.