This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Because that scenario is just not applicable to you, in your case, to you and your Dad, today, Book. That is not what is happening to you. What happened to Sil is specific to her case, and you don't have all the facts.
For example, a POA give a cash allowance to their charge, say $30/mo. It is cash.
If he doesn't need it or doesn't use it, save it and account for that. But once given, there is no way to account for how he uses his cash. If he gives it away, then he doesn't get more for a haircut. (as an example). It is a personal allowance, it is his. You might not have to account for every penny. Check into it online, don't take my word for it. Read the rules concerning POA or any fiduciary responsibilities. When you are feeling better. Please take it easy on yourself.
I have issues with allergies and medicines. When I start to get congested, I add fresh lemon to my drinks along with the honey to make it sweet. It will help break up the mucus. I also eat horseradish which does the same thing but you don't have to eat it if you don't like it. If you put it to your nose and breath it in the smell will help clear your nasal blockage. If you are not familiar with horseradish it can be strong so be careful at first. Once my brother held it right up to his nose and took a big sniff. His nostrils burned so bad his face turned red. This was a fresh batch of ground horseradish not a store bottle so it was extremely strong. I felt bad for him. Anyway, if you are not allergic to lemons try them in your drink and try sniffing some horseradish to clear the sinuses too. Your front sinuses maybe cleared but your back sinuses could be blocked adding to the headaches.
p.s. - do you cover your nose/face with a scarf when you sweep out the mango leaves you are allergic too so you don't breath the dust in?
As for being forced to be a guardian, I can't imagine that happening, even someone who volunteers to be guardian has the right to resign. I'm wondering if SIL was confused by the process and felt forced to agree even though she really shouldn't have?
But if it ever reaches the point where someone needs to be appointed guardianship then you could protect yourself by hiring your own lawyer. If no one in the family steps up and he gets an outside guardian would that be such a bad thing??
SIL told me that when I get POA, I must be very very careful with dad's money. Each money expense must be only for dad and for good reasons. If I allowed $10.00 for something not for dad's use, I would be penalize by a percentage. Example, if the penalty is 30% - then instead of paying dad the $10.00 - it's $30.00! I told SIL that dad demands he has his own petty cash. I'm at work and have no control of who he gives the money to. She said that I'm still responsible. Oh my gosh.. I'm panicking. I was scared before about getting POA. Now - it's worse.
I really need to stop thinking about this. I was able to lower my head/face pain significantly. As I was typing this, the stress level went up, and so did my pain. SIL said that I'm the logical person - because I'm already handling dad's money. I just need to be more detail-oriented and make sure that every single penny is not misused. Hello?!? I Don't Think I Can Handle Being POA. I need to rethink this. Oh my gosh.. oh my gosh..oh my gosh...need to stop now. I'm crying...
Sleeping also was affected by the back of my head lying on the pillow. So, I tried to sleep sideways - which is bad for my neck. I bought a neck pillow so that I can sleep on my back with most of the pressure was off the head and more on the neck. But that was just as bad. In desperation, I spent so much on 2 different thermal conforming pillows. Didn't work at all - made my neck hurt more. Thermal pillow did not stop the pain behind my head as I slept on my back, either.
I finally bought the microbead pillow so that I can push the stuffing towards or away from my face, or neck. And - it was so soft, that I can finally sleep on my back, and less stress/strain on my neck while sleeping. I noticed in the past few months, that the microbead pillow is no longer soft enough for the head. I cannot sleep on my back now.
I appreciate your feedback with what worked for you. I will do a search and see if I can order it. Most sellers refuse to send internationally. We don't have Bath and Beyond here. We only have Kmart, Ross and Macys. Thanks!
I Think it's my sinus/allergy that is stuffing inside my head so badly, it needs to be released. I'm allergic to Sudafed. I can take a generic but I must use it very sparingly. Once I have a teeny tiny reaction to the pill, the more I use, the more allergic symptoms become, and faster too. Hence, my concentrating on Natural ways of dealing with the sinus/allergy.
I swear, today, my face felt warm in all the areas that was hurting - which was all on the sinus points - eyebrows, between the eyes, the soft area between the bridge of the nose and the tip, my cheek bones. I even had a sinus sensitive point near the ears and where the jaw bones meet. I was doing slight facial circular pressures throughout the day, squishy popping noises everywhere. I made sure to bring my water bottle with water + 2 tablespoons Apple cider vinegar and 1 tbs honey. I was sipping it throughout the day. And I can feel throughout the day, yucky stuff draining from my face, down the throat. While I was working, I was subconsciously doing facial pressure. I was surprised to feel this large "pop" on my cheek bone and Felt something fluid swiftly draining down my throat.
It's the beginning of mango season and we have 2 large trees outside both doors into the house. I'm allergic to mango. This past weekend, I hung my clothes inside the house - instead of outside. I've also been sweeping out the mango leaves that landed inside the porch area. And today, I gave away my coconut candy. I'm allergic to something in it. Like shrimp, I now have to be firm about not eating coconut candy. Finally, on top of the sinus headache, I have a migraine - whole works with sensitivity to light and nausea - all day today. I told myself that if I threw up, that it's time to go home - which is Not a place to recuperate in.
I didn't sleep well. My squishy microbead pillow is no longer soft enough- according to my pounding head. Sinus headache and stiff neck pain kept waking me up. I turn in my sleep and wake up from the neck pain. My whole right side of my face, head and ear. Right ear so itchy deep inside and ringing. I will give my doctor one more chance to help me deal with this. Then it's time to change clinic.
Trying to get POA. I finally called dad's clinic and spoke to his doctor's nurse. The doctor will not do anything or give anything to me or the lawyer until he has dad evaluated. His doctor is referring dad to a specialist who will evaluate dad. Then we will wait for the results. I'm NOT after guardianship. I'm so afraid that the specialist will declare dad incompetent - and therefore obtaining the POA will be Void. I Do Not Want Guardianship over dad. SIL said that I should. Hell! I spent half of my life caregiving mom. Now dad is starting his journe. And of course my siblings would want me to have Guardianship. I would be 100% responsible for him. And not them. As it is now, I can walk over to bro and say 'I Quit!' and walk away. Guardianship - I'm stuck - with him and his bills. No Way! Most of my siblings make much much more than me. Most likely double my paycheck. They don't have the money to help out (supplies or help pay for a caregiver so that I and oldest sis can get time off) but they sure do have money to travel! Deep breathe. Release. I don't want to go down that road. I will let the chips fall....
XO
RR
Assand, I used to come home to my mom's on weekends and wonder "will she be here next week"? As her health declined I made a point to get family together because "it could be the last" (birthday, Christmas, Easter...).
I've kind of gotten over that now. I know I won't forget, though god knows there are some things I wish I could. The rest of them had better look after their own memories.
Assande, maybe, maybe not. I remember once thinking I'd better take current pics of mom and dad. Mom looked so awful- as if at death's door. I didn't want to have that as a memory of mom, so I deleted and never took another photo. I'd much rather keep the one where she was laughing in the nicer stage of her dementia. As for dad, he took one look of his photo and hated it. It forced him to acknowledge that he is that old. I can tell that it bothered him. I decided to take another photo with his sun glasses, showed it to him, and he felt so much better. He looked so cool with his sun glasses.
Though mentally it's been the last for about 5 yrs. But not physically..
I better remember to take pictures..lol
Here's a case of a half empty or half full glass. There's a young missionary who happened to be in all 3 terror attacks - Boston, Paris and now Belgium - everyone praised how lucky he was to survive all 3 with no serious injury. That's the half full glass.
MY first thoughts were, "Oh my gosh, he's bad luck! I would never want to travel with him!" That's the half empty glass.
And I refused the recommendation from my previous doctor to do lasik eye surgery. He said it's completely safe and his family did it and no longer wear glasses. I saw a TV program which had 3 people who had lasik. About 10 years later, their eyes changed and nothing could be done. Lasik and eye glasses can't help their vision because they were practically blind. All 3 regretted doing lasik. Someone who had lasik told me that she was told that you can only do lasik 3 times. Anyway, I value my eyes too much to chance it with lasik.
Milan, JessieBelle- my dad hasn't reached that stage yet. I think. Lastnite, he repeatedly kept saying over and over "nutren". He stopped chanting for it only after I gave him one. He used to talk a lot. He's quieter now. I've noticed that he struggles with words. He's forgetting words. He used to know the pamper changing routine. Now he just lays there waiting for me to tell him what to do (turn, turn, up, turn, etc...) When I say 'lift', he turns. When I say 'sit', he turns. So he's mixing words, not understanding it. This has been going on for about 2 weeks now. I need to log this down.
Few weeks ago, i was have migraines. Last week, the daily headaches are from eye strain. Time to change eye glass (another $800.00!) This week, it's eye strain headache and sinus/allergy. Mango season with 2 big mango trees front and back of the house entrances. Face is squishy, eyebrows painful, ears clogged up,etc... Maybe migraine, too, since I'm squinting as I'm typing - the light on this laptop is hurting my eyes.
I've been reading AC in the early mornings just before rising. Well. I was going to type more. Then the headache pounded so hard, I paused typing. Can't think anymore. I think I go change dad's pamper, shower, wash hair and .. maybe take Excedrin migraine before bedtime so that i can sleep peacefully and not waking up constantly because of the pounding pain.
Later. FYI, I feel so bad for all those people who died in Belgium. Sister and brother were at the airport and just texted to their mother they made it fine when they got cut off. The subway/train station where most of the people Calmly evacuated the train. No panic. No pushing. That is just amazing. They were saying that all it takes for One Person to act, and everyone would follow his/her behavior. So, if someone had panicked, screamed and yelled, trying to get off the train, others would have panicked and do the same. But because those in the lead (the one who knew how to open the train door, the lady who calmly helped people one-by-one as they got off the train, etc..) was calm, everyone else was calm.
Sigh...one more vent. I really hate cockroaches. I'm more afraid of roaches than spiders, lizards, worms, etc... I came home from work past 7p. I started preparing my dinner. And screamed aloud in fear when I suddenly saw a cockroach in the sink. Dead. I can't believe sis ate lunch, dinner and not once even tried to remove it. Why am I not surprise? I'm constantly emptying the sink drain from leftover food. One time, i didn't clean it for 2 days. When I finally did, it was like 1-inch thick with food, and when i picked up the strainer, the drain was also packed with food. OMGoodness, she could have clogged up the sink drain! We do not have a very very long snake. Venting, venting.
I used some take out wooden chopsticks to pick up the dead roach and throw it in the trash. My hand was shaking and my stomach was heaving. I really really can't stand roaches - dead or alive!