This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Thank you all for your unconditional support. Yes, I miss her, yes its hard, yes I was at the end of my rope ready to place her, and yes, I feel a tremendous relief, but now, I hold my head high and proud for what I did. Hang in there my sister caregivers, its all worth it in the end.
One book I was thinking of getting rid of is: I'm Still Here by John Zeisel, PHD. The print is soooo light, it's hurting my eyes trying to read it. I opened a middle of the page and read a subtitle/heading: "Don't say 'don't' divert and re-direct instead. It explained why explaining to someone with dementia (reasoning with them) won't work. Instead, they explained the importance of first distracting them and then re-directing them. If you try to re-direct them immediately, it will just irritate them. So, distract and then re-direct so that it's not so noticeable what you're doing.
An example given was a married couple in which the hubby has dementia. It was time for bedtime and he refused. So, the wife went to the bathroom, stripped naked and then came out. That definitely distracted hubby from the TV, and she was able to re-direct his attention to her and then to the bedroom. =)
I'm so tired of the political news. I actually went and bought a small radio so that if I can't stand anything on the TV, I will do some music channel flipping until I find the oldies (70's and early 80's musics).
I once turned on the bathroom radio (love to have it on when showering) and made the mistake of leaving it on the Coast-to-Coast. Is that the supernatural talk show? UFO's, ghosts, etc?.. I usually shower before bedtime. The current subject was about ghosts, hauntings. That was just too realistic, too close-to-home for me. I quickly changed the channel. I always scare myself when I shower. I hate closing my eyes to wash off the shampoo because I'm afraid of opening it and finding a killer with a knife about to stab me, or a spirit looking at me, etc... {{shiver}} But sometimes, the topic is soooo interesting. One caller was talking about the 'little people', invisible to people but visible to some. Here in the Pacific island, we have that belief too of the 'little people.' Fascinating how there's a connecting belief from this island to that of someone in the US mainland. Unnerving too because that means there must be a grain of truth in these stories....
I don't know how far away you live from the bank but have you considered asking if a representative from the bank come to you home to get your father's signature considering he is bed ridden. The bank my mother used offered to send someone to her home get her signature when I explained I would have to pay for an ambulance to bring her in to the bank for her to sign papers to add me to her account. I am not sure but I don't think they wanted an ambulance bringing someone in the bank on a stretcher.
I believe the bank employee realized she can't add a beneficiary on my dad's account without him coming in to make the change and signing it. After this happened, I made sure with my bank accounts that fave niece is my beneficiary. I changed my measly life insurance to include a small percentage to oldest sister. Fave sis still gets the majority because she's my emotional and shopping (her treats) lifeline that keeps me as sane as possible.
Flipped through the channels. Found the Japanese news about the Fukushima power plant's current situation.
Yesterday, I left for lunch around 11:35am. I completely forgot that on the morning radio, they said that we can see the full eclipse at 11:45am. I came out of the office, glanced worriedly at the darkening skies. I was racking my brain trying to remember if the weather person said we were having a storm coming. As I got into the car and was debating where to eat lunch, it was getting darker - as if the clouds would burst open with heavy torrential rain. That's how dark the sky got. I'm scared of driving in the rain. So, I decided to drive fast to the mall before the rain comes. After lunch, as I was leaving the mall, the sky was clear. Where's those dark clouds? The road isn't even wet. Uhmmm.. duh?!?! the Eclipse!!! And I missed it!!!!!
Sounds like you're heading to San Antonio, it's going to be beautiful here in SA. If you have time you should visit Gruene In New Braunfels Tx. Lot's of things to do there and free music to listen to. Have a nice time off!!!
Oh well, back to the lying around and eating chocolates it is, then… Hope something with a slightly less stupid employer comes along soon.
btw - on my profile I also listed cleaning, tutoring, pet care, transportation and errands. This person just did not look very closely at the profile.
funny! and it was the sleeping together thing with my Mom, since she didn't think they were married, she knew she certainly should not be sleeping with him. Before their move, I was considering furnishing another bedroom, convert a sitting room or office to a bedroom for those nights when mom would become agitated so she would not have to sleep with him.
Like she would have had sex without being married!
My mom was always shocked when she found out she had remarried. It was not until she was 80, that memory is long gone. The most difficult of this was when she would accuse her hubby of lying about the marriage. And that was very, very hard for him and he is actually sort of insulted that my mom does not use his last name.
Mom asked me what her name is? Who's her father and why did she have a different last name from him.. I told her she married my father and showed her wedding picture.. She said "Oh he's a good looking fella"? Lol.. Yes he was!
I'm sure she'll become more alert later in the day...
Just a first for me!
Now getting you to feed their cat, then coming back with all the fun stories and pictures is just plain insensitive. I think coming home with a great present to thank you would be so much better. I mean, they would have had to board the cat if you hadn't taken care of him/her. That can be big money.
I am so sorry about your brother and your dog. Wish we could fix things for each other and make them better. I hope a big ((((cyberhug))) helps a little bit.
I don't like being in this place. These are wonderful people in my life. They mean a lot to me. I just, well, fantasize about doing that myself sometime and know it's not reality. Instead I get to take care of their cat.
I have crazy mom and a kid in college. No money for fun at all. Dining out is even a no go. I know some folks are worse off than I am. My dog has Cushings disease, my brother overseas has syringomyealia (only sib). He is in a really bad place. He was my rock but is falling apart due to his problems. It's hard. Sometimes it just is bad. I've done bad before. Just be with me with encouraging words. I love you AC friends.
I wonder who is making reports to APS in Jilly's situation? If it's family being mean, I'd ship the elder off to them in a heartbeat!
If the elder themselves was reporting abuse, that would be a clear indicator that i needed to leave.
Yes, im angry. Enough to not let it happen to those of us giving our entire existence for those we love.
Its healthy to use anger to help better the world. More people shouldnt be afraid to get angry as long as its used to do good. This is bigger then my issue its a natl issue. Everyday that passes remember the caregiver who decided there was no other way out but suicide. I have experienced loss of two caregiver friends who took their own lives by a gun to the head.
So this may be too much for most of you but mark my word. In 2 years caregivers will have so many agencies crawling into thier private life and you'll see the suicide rate skyrocket. Thats not even talking about thier kids and loved ones and their pain.
Say what you want about me. It really doesnt bother me because what im starting here is the right thing for all of us who hurt so much from exaustion and no end in sight. Caregivers of America wont be mistreated as long as we start making noises.