This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
cmagnum you're absolutely right. I've always had problems letting go of the past. It's one of my biggest downfalls. If I don't catch myself NOW. I can see myself wasting ANOTHER 16 years of my life, and then I really will be up shits creek. I wish I knew just how to LET GO.
Pamzimmrrt, Yeah she retired a year ago. She was actually supposed to work until she was 62, but she was severely burnout from the job, and decided to take an early retirement. I know she's still so young! She finished working, she's been working since she was 17. She says she's content watching tv all day, but I told her she need other types of stimulation. Staying in the house all day watching tv is not healthy. Thats how it all started with gramps decline. I isolate to and I know it's not healthy for me either.
She initially wanted to move to move down south to Nashville, because we have family down there and she's obsessed with Elvis, but I did some research and found out they didn't expand medicaid to low income adults down there, which meant I wouldn't be able to get health insurance. I am SO glad I thought to look that up before we made a decision. Also we didn't wanna be that far from my younger brother. Allentown is only 2 hours outside of New York. He can just hop on a bus and stay every weekend. "Stick a pin in a map and hope for the best" That cracked me up lmao. Allentown does seem kinda random. We would've looked in new jersey, but my mom didn't wanna be in the same state as my father, so we chose the next closes state, which was PA.
Right now i'm on xanax 2mg, Remeron 45 mg and Hydroxyzine 150 mg. This regimen hasn't really been helping much, but I never really had the greatest luck with meds. I've been on and off meds since I was 17. I'm not the biggest fan of antidepressants and mood stabilizers, because a lot of them make me INCREDIBLY foggy headed and indifferent. I take remeron for sleep, and it works okay. I have this issue with sleeping at night though. I don't like to sleep when my mom's asleep. I get extremely paranoid when she's asleep, especially now that we sleep in separate rooms. I feel like I gotta be on alert mode and ready to go at night. Just in case anything happens.
I do kinda (ish) wanna learn, but i'm petrified. I think I have way too much anxiety to be on the road. They have a decent transit system here, and they do have a bus for disabled people, which my mom still hasn't applied for. She loves to drive, but with the nerve damage in her leg she not as confident as she used to be.
What made you all decide to move to Allentown of all places? It must have been more than prices. Do you all have friends or family there? Or did you just sort of stick a pin in the map and hope for the best? Ask those people for some help, or simply to visit. The damage is done on the home sale, so you really need to move past that and focus on the new future. I know it;s hard.. but you really are sort of stuck at this point. Just dwelling on the bad decision is not productive for either you or Mom. Good luck with this
Are you taking any meds for your depression and anxiety plus seeing a therapist?
It is good that you have the self-insight to see that codependency has you stuck which basically means you are having a hard time living as you apart from your mom. You are likely the only one at this time in life who can stop dancing the codependent dance. I doubt that your mom will change, but you are young enough and have enough self-insight to change.
Living in what ifs, I should have, I could have, etc. is only depressing. You need to choose what will you do now.
I dunno what I wanna do with my life. I constantly go back and forth. Everybody and their mother told me I should go to nursing school, and that it's my "calling" and I was into it for awhile, but now i'm not so sure. I don't think I would be a good nurse. I don't really have any passions. I browse through careers online and nothing really excites me you know? I've been depressed for so long I don't even know how I would fend in the career world. What if I can't emotionally handle a real job? All I know is that I wanna be self sufficient. Me and my mother have this really fucked up co-dependent relationship that really needs to end.
I am SO bitter about my GED. I was so damn CLOSE. I failed by TWO points. TWO! I think I could've swallowed this move much easier if I had received my GED. I put sooo much work and time studying for that damn test. I turned 28 and I just got fed up. The next day I called a bunch of programs and by monday I was taking a placement test for a ged course. That was HUGE for me. I was somewhat of recluse up until that point. I lucked out and got this AMAZING teacher named Cynthia. The class was great to. It was very small and everyone was around my age or older. I went for a year and half straight and I was never late or missed a day. I was DETERMINED to get this damn diploma. So I took the test in october of 2014 and got great scores on everything, but the math. 498 smh. Just two points and I would've had that piece of paper framed.
Thats what KILLS me about this whole thing. There was no rush to move or ask for a buy out! We had three years until our old apartment went to market value. I could've got my ged, and then we could've went about the buyout the right way and got some REAL money. This whole entire move was made on complete impulse. No REAL thought was put into it. My mom has always been horrible decision maker. She doesn't think before she acts. God If I could rewind the past year I would. I wish that neighbor never came up to us. I have to start all over now. The test here is somewhat different then it is in NY. I have to take the entire test all over again, and learn new material. It's so daunting to think about. I don't even know why I keep my old transcripts. They mean nothing here.
Get your GED, then figure out what YOU want to do with your life. Find assistance for your Mom. Do not just leave her without notifying Adult Protective Services. If you did that you could be charged with abandonment.
Call the Area Agency on Aging they will help find the resources your mom needs. Your mom may qualify for caregivers to come in to give you a break. Also find a caregiver support group offered through many churches, assisted living facilities, hospitals and many different organizations like the Alzheimer's Association.
I guess I should share a little bit of my background. I'm 30 years old and i've been my mom's caretaker for the past 6 years. My mom was born with spinal stenosis that progressively got worse with age. In 2009 she went under 4 spinal surgeries to get it corrected it. She was in and out of the hospital and rehab for an entire year. She eventually learned to walk a few feet with a walker, but for the most part she's wheelchair bound. She needs help showering and going to the bathroom. She's in relatively good health except she suffers from chronic UTI's and she's obese, she also suffers with bad anxiety and depression. The surgeries also left her incontinent, so she wets the bed every night. She has a commode she uses during the day. She rarely uses the regular toilet, because it's too "low" and she's just lazy. She'll be 60 in may. She retired a year ago.
5 Months ago we moved out NY to Allentown PA. We lived on the same block for 25 years in the west village. The building we lived in was rent stabilized and was about to go to market value in 3 years. Our building also went co-op a few years ago. Most of the people in the complex bought their apartments for a insider price, but we couldn't afford to buy ours, so we had to stay renters. The renters in the building decided to band together to fight to keep the complex affordable. One day while we were outside our neighbor comes up to us, and tells us that the landlord is offering buyouts to the renters. My mom and brother's eyes instantly lit up. The apartments in west village could EASILY get sold for millions, so it's nothing for a landlord to give renter a 100 grand to get the hell out. Anyway long story short my mom decided to take the buyout. She made a hasty decision and didn't hire an attorney like my brother told her to. She decided to take it into her own and hands, and she fucked up by taking the landlords first offer, which you NEVER do. We didn't even know that she called the landlord until AFTER. She didn't take the time to do her homework, so we basically got chump change. We didn't get close to what we deserved for the apartment. I literally woke up one morning and she was like "I took the buyout and the landlord wants us out in 4 months". Like no discussion, no warning. Nothing. I was LIVID. Not only did we get pennies in the buyout, but she didn't have a discussion with me BEFORE she made a final decision. I also should mention that I was in a GED course at this time. I took the test 6 months prior and passed everything, EXCEPT the math. You need a minimum of 500 on everything to pass. I got a 498 on the math (That 498 will haunt me for the rest of my life) I took the math a second time, and got a 487. I was planning to go back to class last fall, but I couldn't because we had to be out by september 1st, so I never got my GED. So here we are in Allentown PA. We couldn't afford to stay in NY, because the rents are ASTRONOMICAL, even in the outer boroughs. I HATE it here. The homesickness has been UNREAL. I miss NY soooo much. The apartment is nice, but I hate suburban life. My mom admitted that she made a huge mistake and that we should've stayed in NY. We didn't have much, but we were comfortable there. My mom bought a car recently and she can drive a little bit with her disability, but we usually wait for my brother to come up from NY to drive her around, because I never learned to drive, and I have absolutely no desire to learn because of my horrible anxiety. It's been a pain in the ass finding new dr's. Healthcare isn't as accessible here as it is in NY, and you need to drive everywhere. My mom used to have a bus pick her up, or scooter to her appointments in NY. I just WISH we could've had a REAL family discussion before she made such a HUGE decision.
I've been dealing with severe depression and anxiety since I was a teenager. I ended up dropping out of HS when I was 16 because of it. My grandmother was in a wheelchair my whole life and ended up bedridden after a stroke when I was 15. I was her caretaker up until about 17 or 18. We ended up putting her in a nursing home, because she needed round the clock care. From 18 up until 24 I watched my grandmother die a slow horrible death. Her mental state completely deteriorated in the last 2 years of her life. The last few months before her death she couldn't even tell when I was in the room. She passed in 2009. Later that year my mom underwent her surgeries, so I never really had time to process what was happening. That year killed me emotional, physically, and mentally. The stress of just being in the hospital day in and day out, and not knowing if my mom would ever walk again, and having to take care of my nutcase grandfather was just too much. I didn't have any support during that year. My brother never waited with me during her surgeries. He maybe visited her 3 times that entire year. Anyway some how I made it through. Which I'm grateful for, because I can't tell you how many times I walked out of my mom's hospital room bawling my eyes out wanting to just give up.
So yeah our relationship is very strained right now. My anxiety is through the roof. I don't sleep. I lash out a lot, and we're constantly arguing. I wish she would take better care of her health. She smokes almost 2 packs of cigarettes everyday, and she's 300 lbs. My gramps passed away last year from a massive stroke, and I just
see my mom going down the same path as my grams, grandfather and i'm scared.
She tried quitting a few months ago with the patches, but she didn't last more than a week. She's doesn't really wanna quit, because she enjoys it too much. She just smokes and watches tv all day. I've tried talking to her and writing her letters about how scared I am, but she never takes me seriously. She does what she wants. It's like talking to a brick wall.
I'm just tired. I'm 30 years old and I feel like I haven't truly lived. I've been taking care of sick family members since I was teenager, and just living in my own emotional hell or the past 16 years. I don't even remember what it's like NOT to be depressed and anxious. I gained soooo much weight since we moved here, and i've let myself completely go. It's a struggle to get out of bed every morning. I honestly just don't know how to cope anymore. Like i'm at my limit.
I give Mom a bedbath, rolling and dressing her and sweating bullets ("omg how long can I do this?").
She sits so pretty and smiles when shes all done. ("omg I can keep her here")
I feed Mom pureed food 3 hours ("omg how can I keep this up?")
Mom laughs and giggles with me ("omg I can keep her here")
I lift (heavy) Mom onto the toilet and she just missed it, her bm's are all over the seat, floor, her and I ("omg how can I keep this up?")
Moms all clean and looks adorable in her pink nighty in bed ("omg I can keep her here")
My granddaughter who is 5 wanted me to come and see all the cookies she sold ("omg I wish I was free" to go)
Yes I am going to say Yes and pray for the best. Now watch after all of this , she doesn't get the spot! My husband said he supports me no matter what I decide, he only fears he will have to bury me first. I cannot imagine not having to be home for a kid, a puppy, or a mother, I've never in my life been free, its TIME, before its too late. Thank You All again!xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
They may not be able to afford the latest equipment but they will take the best possible care of her so no worries there.
There is no reason you can not visit often and take her out if you both wish. This is the absolute best you could find so don't let the opportunity slip through your fingers. Mom will be very happy there the nuns will make sure of that.
Relieve yourself of the guilt. You also need your life and that you know that is what mom would have wanted, I hope, makes this decision easier for you. The way we live our lives when caregiving, only another caregiver could possibly understand!
RR, take the opportunity to move your mom to this wonderful place that will provide her excellent care. In turn they will will also allow you to care for yourself, and live your life as your Mom wants for you.
I think you answered your own question, to be honest. You said:
"...My gut says this is an opportunity I shouldn't pass up." and "...I'm 60, I need to live sometime don't I?"
Yes and yes. Mom, by your own statements, is unable to care for herself and needs round-the-clock care, complete with toileting, bathing, dressing, and feeding. You stated the facility meets with your approval. It's only the guilt of changing your situation that is holding you back. There's no way around that, it's simply part of how we are wired. However, you don't have to let the guilt take over your life. You have done your share - more than your share - for Mom. I think your Mom, were she able, would be telling you to go on and leave her in the capable hands at the facility - that she will be fine. The guilt will fade with time. Once she settles into the routine there, and you see that she's ok there, you'll feel better.
I'm 60? How did that happen? My mom is so sweet. My Mom hasnt known me, hasnt walked, talked or be really able to communicate much at all for over 5+ years now. Although mom cant walk, i have her on a schedule and I put her on the toilet, put her in her wheelchair and hoyer the other times. I spend approx 5+ hours a day spoon feeding her puree foods. I can however get smiles and laughs out of her when I bounce her arms and sing to her, which melts my heart. My friends Dad just passed away, He was in a (nuns-run) nursing home of only 15 people on 2 floors. Due to their highly regarded respect for him, it looks like they might take my Mom in. After touring it and seeing the private rooms, the nuns, the aides and how nice everyone was, I was taken and applied. Now I am scared, should I, shouldn't I? I have bought an old van which is gone now, and taken my mom with us summers to the lake. I spent most of the time, well actually most the time washing, changing and feeding her and never could even get out in the boat. Despite the harder work to be there, I was just happy for a change of scenery.God I love her, but God I'm 60, I need to live some time dont I? The guilt is killing me. I feel its a good place, you cannot even get in without ringing a bell and being let in. The female aides were all dressed in white to form an angel at the funeral to show their respect. My friends dad was there 4.5 years and loved it, but he had his mind. If I get "the call" what do I do(?) My gut says this is an opportunity I shouldn't pass up. My son (35) says "mom, a new lifestyle, you can finally get out of the house and you can spend as much or little time as you want there, they also have gorgeous grounds there with walking trails, maybe I could wheel Mom if they gave nice wheelchairs she wont slide out of, and finally lose my 8 year weight gain! Naturally I get online here and see horror stories again and re think my thoughts of freedom. I needed to vent, thanks for listening all, and Jude, oh thank you. I would love comments, truthful ones.
RR
Hugs back to you, you deserve it!
Doing 'okay' my side. Mom's a little more cray-cray my side but nothing I can't handle this side. Just worried about you.
I try to call her at least 3 times a week and discuss every detail of her life with her, her health cand safety concerns (she has a physical disability) - to share and show that I care - and also to tlak over problems, share stories etc.
The last time we spoke I was having a terrible problem of my own I wanted to discuss with her. She called me, we discussed every manner of issue she had. When the conversation turned to my concerns, she said she had a lunch date and could not talk to me. I was so upset. Then she said I did not care about her (because I wanted to talk to her and she was more concerned about her lunch date) and she said "you don't care about me".
That's it in a nutshell. She knows I will not be making a trip down there so it does not seem to matter to her any more what I do to try and make her happy. "You don't care about me" is her attitude. I have done so much for her over the years it is difficult to hear her say that. We have not spoken since then, about 2 weeks ago.
Love from Send.