This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Another thought. When you tell your siblings that you need a break and are done, you seem to be waiting for their permission to go. "To ask permission is to seek denial". You are not POA. You are not legally responsible for your father, are you? Inform them that you are leaving and LEAVE.
I have to say that the information about carers in need must be out there via social services etc but it could be so well used to benefit these people with just a small amount of investment.
Just imagine being able to type in a zip code and seeing everything that is freely available to you locally - free being the issue. I am sure that many sellers of aid would pay to advertise on this sort of site - it just needs someone with expertise to set it up
Nice share, Stacey. You are always so generous.
Life is way too serious to be taken seriously.
Maybe the woman cannot get or be a POA, that is okay too!
Set that aside for now, stop worrying one's self to death!
Would hate to think that our lives, and that of our parents depended upon a single document. If just doesn't!
Tell us about your new therapist. Is he using CBT, Cognitive behavioral therapy?
Has he told you about All or Nothing thinking?
Thank you for checking in with us.
Is there something we can do for you? Do you want us to call someone for you?
Can you provide someone with contact information?
Love from Send.
It seems to me that your father needs professional caregiving. Not that you're doing a bad job, it's not that at ALL. But this IS KILLING YOU. You need not a weekend; you need to have your life back. You need to be able to go off island to get medical care for your allergy/immune system/migraine issues. As far as I can see, your siblings don't deserve to inherit anything from your father.
I am aware that most attempted suicides backfire and you're left off worse than before. I've spent a year researching suicides. I finally found the perfect one.
I'm fine. I was just so angry with my sister. She will make a terrible POA. Unfortunately dad doesn't trust my brother and I don't blame him. I'm tired of my head going around and around - work, dad, work, dad.
I'm so sorry.....
It is very tempting when the pain gets bad. You see a long gentle sleep like going under an anesthetic and never waking up. The things Jude said are very true. It is not usually that simple. You save up the pills maybe add some alcohol just to be sure and when everyone has gone to bed slip into your room and lie down. Next thing you know you are being thrown around the room having a seizure and then vomiting everything back up. The seizure has made so much noise that dad wakes up and calls oldest sis who panics and calls 911. You are still unconscious but can hear the EMTs saying things like "stupid bitch" as the ram the IV into your arm. On to the ER with sirens screaming, oldest bro hears and sis tells him that happened.
Next thing the ER nurse is forcing a tube down your throat and she is not too gentle about it because she is a good Catholic and knows how you have sinned.
I know you are desperate Book many others have gone down that path but i don't think it is something you actually want to do. No you don't that is why you are telling us, You are pleading for help. We will help you in any way we can. We could even call 911 for you. Don't know where you live but could get in touch with the govt agency. Do know what kind of work you do and there can't be many businesses like that on your island. Several of us know the location of your island and what your first name is. I know someone who knows what your religion is so maybe we can contact the elders in your church. I also know someone who has spent many years on your island and still goes back and forth. I bet he would know who the girl with the red hair in a certain business is. So you see we can all close in on you Book and extend the hands of love to help you get through this.
Walk away, right now, tell the family you need to go and they have to care for Dad while you are gone. Go off island and check yourself into a psych facility, I don't know where the closest decent place is. maybe Hawaii. Even the mainland. You still have that ticket and you must get the help. I love you Book along with all the others here and we need you
If you are sole PoA and something happens to you, the authrities will step in and get guardianship of dad, yes? And the family property will fund his care instead of being "stolen" by your uncaring family. What's wrong with that?
So many love you here, me included. Sending ((hugs))
I have done all I know how to do and I will support my sons decisions in this. For now I am just going to be thankful for the time I had with him and will have with my son, and hopefully but not necessarily my grandson.
I can't possibly thank you all enough for your amazing suggestions and ideas (the one about the hit man I particularly liked, ashamed that I am to say it). I wouldn't have made it through the day without you all so thank you my virtual friends you mean so much to me xxxxxx
I just know that suicide will be contra to your upbringing and your culture. Whilst not religious I know that it is said that God only gives us what he knows we can cope with...and he doesn't get it wrong sweetheart. What you need is a break from all of this. You need medication for severe depression even though you may recognise it I think perhaps we all do. Come here and vent, come here and rant, come here and know that we are here for you xxxxx
Yours has been the most difficult of paths that I could imagine but we are here for you stay and breathe deeply.
I took this unashamedly from a self help site on grounding techniques
Tell yourself you are having a flashback or anxiety attack and that this is okay and normal. The worst is over - it happened in the past, but it is not happening now....at this very moment in time
Tell yourself: That was then, and this is now. However terrible you feel right now, you survived the awfulness then even if then was only seconds ago, which means you can survive and get through what you are remembering now.
Open your eyes and put a light on (if it's dark).
Look around the room, notice the colours, the people, the shapes of things. Make it more real.
Listen to and really notice the sounds around you: the traffic, voices, washing machine, music etc.
Notice your body, the boundary of your skin, how your clothes feel on your skin, movement in your hair as you move your head, really feel the chair or floor supporting you - how that feels in your feet, your legs, your body.
Pinch yourself - that feeling is in the now, the things you are re-experiencing happened in the past. That was then, and this is now.
Stand up and put your feet firmly on the ground
Move about: stretch, stamp your feet, jump up and down, dance, run on the spot, rub your arms and legs, clap your hands, walk, remind yourself where you are right now.
Use 5,4,3,2,1: Think about 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch (and touch them), 2 things you can smell or like the smell of, and 1 slow, deep breath.
I read your post. Even though migraines are painful, they last and last, then reoccur, suicide is never a viable option. There is a treatment for headaches, you just haven't found it yet. You have to be patient and take a trip to Hawaii for treatment. Book yourself a flight, Book.
It is not necessary for your family to love you-many families live in circumstances where there is no love lost between them. Maybe it is not you, but their selfish inability to love others at all.
I know that I have come to love you-and there are others on here who are like an extended family for you. Can that be enough for now? Put those thoughts of suicide away-do not entertain them again. There are other ways.
Btw, I dislike your therapist a whole lot, but keep going anyway.
Feeling a bit better yet?
....
I told on top of my voice, over-riding fave sis objections about POA, that I want a back up POA because when I kill my damn self, that there will be still a POA for dad. Sis gave me that look as if I was a 'drama queen'.
Yes, I tried to cry for help from fam by telling them that I'm googling how to commit suicide without pain. I emailed all of them that I found the perfect suicide. I finally sought therapy when I chose the date, where to do it. Therapist told me to tell my family about it - how I might die or end up in the hospital. I told him they don't care. He insisted. I texted all my sibs. Nothing. Next therapy, he asked. I said that no one responded at all. He hit the table, and said aloud firmly, "your family doesn't love you!" I knew that. It hurt when he said it because I was always telling myself that they did love me - that they just don't show it. But when he said this to me, I had to admit the truth. If they loved me, they would have covered the weekends so that I can off island for a weekend getaway, etc.. Actions speak louder than words.
I yelled this out today. And no one responded. What they don't know is - that I used to give my treasured possessions to them. For the past few weeks, I've been slowly cleaning my bedroom. Instead of giving it to them, I've been throwing it away. They always take my stuff for free. Now, I rather throw it away. And I've been doing it.