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I will not be picking her up. When she was in rehab last fall I also refused to pick her up. Even if I wanted to, it is not possible to get her into my car. However, last fall she hired her very accomodating part-time aide to transport her home, and the facility approved it. That's probably what will happen this time, too.

I really appreciate the constructive advice and support that is offered on this site, but I do find it disappointing how quickly some rush to judgement. Not all of us are emotionally unstable enablers. Sometimes it's hard to know what the morally right thing to do is when assisting a parent, especially when you don't know up front that they may be lingering for years - and years. And when a parent is making their own decisions, a lot of it is out of your hands.

And yes, it's true: the most difficult parents last the longest.
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Caregiving was not my gift. I don't do unpredictable well. I lack patience.

You have a Mom who wants it her way. And she will die having it her way. Nothing you can do about that. Hey, she is 91. She would be miserable in a facility. Just let her have it her way. She is entitled to leave this world on her own terms. And you don't need to be there and watch it.

Glad your not picking her up itbshows that ur willing to take on the responsibity for her care. Anyone picking her up should be made aware of this. But you should make it clear to discharge that there is no daily care at home and you cannot be there for her. That its "unsafe" to discharge her.
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I would not personally transport her. Tell her to call 911. She can get transport home from companies that do that. That way you can support her want to be independent. There are plenty of people willing to take such jobs. Tell her you are changing your attitude to supporting her independence and from now on you will let her call the shots and hire help as she wants. Tell her it is hard because you love her and you realise you want to treat her as a child and you have decided to not do that any more. Then go out of town for a week or two and practice not saving her. You will be happier and she will too because she will get the life she wants. She might decide to change her mind and go to assisted living, but that is her choice and she has lots of helpful resources to do that. You are not on that list. Give her a list of county resources if you want to help.
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I am sorry you are having to go through this. I have read from others and am experiencing it called the merry-go-round of hospital, rehab/LTC, and then they will try to transfer them back home (unless they are already placed). You cannot do anything if the aid say they will transport her. The point is you are letting them know it is unsafe for her to be discharged to care outside of a facility. It is difficult, but you have to look at the safety of everyone involved. You also need to make sure you are taking care of your physical and mental health.
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Oh my gosh, go ahead and vent all you want. I certainly understand why you’re frustrated with this situation. It’s awful.

I will cross my fingers that the ‘unsafe discharge’ will work out well and that you will be able to place your mom in a facility. 🫰
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Was it CTTN?? that had this cycle of ER-hospital-rehab round & round with her Mother & then.. one fine day.. her Mother AGREED to be wheeled across the street to LTC by a nurse?
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We placed my mother in the NH as an unsafe discharge when she had Covid in August and ended up in the hospitaI. We were waiting for something to happen so we could get the wheels in motion.

I told her if she wanted to go back home she needed to arrange for everything herself, I and my sisters were done with propping up her so-called independent living. Of course she was not able to do that and needed to accept the fact that the NH was the best place for her now. At least she is there with my father. Our situation was simply not sustainable anymore.
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Update: my mom returned home from rehab today (driven to her condo by her aide). The immediate plan (set up by rehab, which is the same company providing her home health care) is to have daily split shifts, with aides for a few hours in the morning and again late afternoon/early evening. My mom agreed to this "until she gets better":)

Not ideal, but better than the 3 mornings/week she's had up until now. She's in that in-between stage where she needs more help than she'd get in assisted living (got to see that with my MIL) and she's not quite at nursing home stage - very frail, but not demented (yet, anyway). And she really, really wants to be at home (and has demonstrated several times that she won't hesitate to use her medical alert button).

Thank you for all of the advice, especially your observation, JoAnn29 that my mom has lived her life on her terms and wants to come to the end of it on her terms, and I should let her. I hadn't really thought of it that way before, but now it's the way I'm approaching this situation. And I've stepped back hugely.

Thanks again, everyone. This forum helps so much.
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Dear OldestChild,

I'm really pleased that you've stepped back. You and your husband both need you.

You're doing everything right to ensure that nobody thinks that you will be taking care of Mum. So, if she is discharged (unsafely, imo and, I guess, yours) then that's down to whichever healthcare facility and practitioner made the decision.

My one piece of advice would be to speak with the care agency and let them know that you disagree with their aides ferrying your mother home. Unless the company is willing to take responsibility for what happens to your mum during the times that she is home alone, then they should not be enabling her discharge, seeing as she cannot live independently.

If they say that it is a private arrangement between your mother and the individual aide, point out that the only way your mother knows this person is through the care agency.

Also, remind them to be professional about this conversation.

Other than that, you will just have to let your mum make her own mistakes, until that independence is taken away from her. But it won't be by you.

Just be her daughter, not her parent.
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Well done, Oldest. As long as your mother is competent she can live as she wishes. Wisely, she has engaged more aides.

You are in the right place even if it is not an entirely comfortable place. Watching anyone decline for any reason is never comfortable, but decline comes to us all unless our lives end quickly.

My mother lived to 106. I had to look after me and if I were to do it again, I would put my needs first more often. You made a good decision to step back. There may come a time when you want to do more. For now be thankful you don't have to.
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Omg, I’m so sorry. It’s awful isn’t it. I feel like it will never end, my Mom is going to be 85.
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I am so sorry and absolutely know what you are going through. My parents moved to where my husband and I live when I had my second; they said it was to be near the grandkids but after 20 years I can tell you it was to take care of them. My mother began a long degenerative dementia type illness soon after they moved and passed in 2013. Before she passed both she and my father had long hospital stays. One time their ambulances even crossed: one coming, the other going. Siblings only came to stir the pot and leave. I had an older sister who passed in 2015 (very traumatic, and crazy story as she didn’t believe in conventional medicine) and I have been caring for elderly father (now 97 and in AL). He sleeps all day, refuses to call for help, yells at them to go away, and is trying his hardest to alienate the entire staff. I feel that this caregiving role has sucked the life out of me. Now, my greatest fear is were I to become a burden on my sons. I would literally do anything to prevent this. Honestly everyone that I know who has had a relative pass has what I consider a reasonable timeframe for the really shitty stuff to happen. I have never met anyone who has had this as a feature in their lives for over two decades. I hope that you hang in there, and know there are people out there who do truly understand and empathize. Good luck to you!
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As my mother's HCP, if my mother were this legally "sound of mind" I would just let her make whatever decision she wants, until she legally cannot anymore. You're stressing yourself out over things you have no control over and wasn't caused by you. Believe me, I KNOW how incredibly difficult it is not to. That's why we're all here, isn't it? If it were so easy, we wouldn't be going to the forums like we do.

HOWEVER, as a Phlebotomy Technician and a Phlebotomy Instructor, her blood work might look "good" or "okay" simply because it was not collected properly. There is an astounding amount of people whose job it is to collect blood samples that have the slightest idea of the proper way to do it, as to not cause the results to be off. There are also an astounding number of doctors who see a result that is within "normal range" but don't make connections between the one "high normal" and the other "low normal" that would indicate a problem. Being in the hospital, I would also assume Mom is on IV fluids. This can also skew accurate results by diluting samples. Some Drs and NPs order BMPs, they look okay, so don't order the CMP, which includes a lot MORE tests that would show them a lot more. They aren't hematologists so they aren't even aware of the intricacies in Hematology testing. They rely on the Scientists to note something as "out of range" and don't look deeper at each analyte's relationship to the next. They scratch their heads because patient has signs and symptoms of xyz, but the lab work "looked okay." While they forget that the lab scientists' job is to result and report results, indicate when a result is out of range, or positive or negative, it's not their job to diagnose, or look farther than that.

I couldn't even tell you to ask them to run the blood work again, and make sure they give you a nurse or phlebotomist that knows how to do it completely correctly, because those nurses or phlebotomist are RARE.
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