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LL, it is exactly in line with what I saw and have been thinking about.

Your mom was a wise woman to know that nobody's wants to hear about what ails you. Especially if that's all that they hear.

Finding the positive in any situation helps me cope with life and I always feel for those that can't see what a blessing they are being given.

It really makes me wonder how many are alone because they suck your life force with their negative, nasty attitudes. May God open their hearts.
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I am still in my pajamas and it feels so good to just relax. Love the day after the holidays.
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ITRR and LL - mother certainly chased people away with her negativity. We can all heed the need for being good company if we want some.

OB - sounds like you are making good progress. Sitting here looking at the snow and not even being able to imagine beach, sun and sand. ⛱ It's been a long time...

EB - Hey I am still in nightie and dressing gown and it's a normal Friday. There are no pajama police or nighty nazis around here! It's comforting to take it easy!
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Finished with cleaning out !!!! What a relief. New mattresses delivered today.I have the beds made and bedrooms set up except my stepsons. He can do his the way he wants it, if he decides to live with us.
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OB: Didn't realize that that house would be your new residence. Good for you.
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ITTR: Glad to share a similar story. I aspire to be likened to my mother. Sometimes my factual nature gets in the way - LOL.

However, I always look to help the other person before I help myself. At Thanksgiving dinner yesterday where 30 of us gathered and after learning of an unpleasant dx of my DD MIL's, I made sure to help her get plates of food. But we are only 8 months difference in age.
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LL, I am the same way. LOL

I am sorry about your DDs MIL. I am sure that she appreciated your help and you gave her something to be grateful for, because it is the small gestures of love and care that make us feel special.

God bless you for giving!
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Llama, Yes the house I cleaned out is going to be our retirement home. Since Dad died there’s no reason to stay in KY on the farm. I’m ready to quit farming and relax a little. My husband and son are moving their flight business to N.C. We will move ASAP, but no later than 1/15. New owners take over the farm then. Hate to go back to KY today. I’d rather stay at the beach.
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Funny thing happened. My Sweetie has mid-stage Alzheimers. I use my kids as sounding boards, and a place to vent. We ALL need someplace to vent. Thought my kids were a safe place to do so. We went away for a week in September, so no venting, although a lot of problems. However, when we returned, I decided to keep all that 'stuff' to myself as both kids thought it was time (their decision, not mine) to look into AL.....for both of us! Since no venting in the last couple of months, both kids think I'm doing so much better, because nothing bothers me any more! Learned my lesson.....
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Helen,
Vent here.
Solve problems here.
We will all listen to you.

Do not vent to kids. They will throw you under the bus and exaggerate everything you ever told them.

You can also talk to a professional, financial planner, geriatric care manager, or a counselor.
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I can’t bring myself to say “I’m sorry for your loss” when clearly the death of the person brings much welcome relief to everyone including the deceased.

I don’t feel sorry, and I don’t think it’s a loss either.
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It is a loss. So many caregivers grieve deeply and just not sure what to do with their lives after a death of someone they have cared for a very long time. For me mom passing was a relief, she was suffering so. Not all caregivers are able to process a death that way.

Rather cold statement, polar and not your place to even think you know how others should feel.
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Glad, back at you.

It is not your place to tell me what I should feel or not feel. It’s rather hypocritical of you.
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“There is nothing that can replace the absence of someone dear to us, and one should not even attempt to do so. One must simply hold out and endure it. At first that sounds very hard, but at the same time it is also a great comfort. For to the extent the emptiness truly remains unfilled one remains connected to the other person through it. It is wrong to say that God fills the emptiness. God in no way fills it but much more leaves it precisely unfilled and thus helps us preserve -- even in pain -- the authentic relationship. Further more, the more beautiful and full the remembrances, the more difficult the separation. But gratitude transforms the torment of memory into silent joy. One bears what was lovely in the past not as a thorn but as a precious gift deep within, a hidden treasure of which one can always be certain.”
― Dietrich Bonhoeffer
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There can be a lot of ambivalence when someone dies after a long disease or even of great age. On the one hand we all know death is inevitable and can be an end to suffering, but on the other hand we wish those who are dear to us would never, ever leave us. And when someone is intimately involved in another person's life it can be very disorienting have the daily thoughts and routines around which their life have revolved abruptly come to an end.
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I personally took what most people said after losses I've experienced as a sometimes very awkward attempt at comfort.

I think it's wrong to expect that anyone is going to be able to somehow say just the right words. I know I struggle with it when it's someone else who has experienced a loss. I think most people's hearts are in the right place with what they try to say.

When I lost my cat recently my one sister said nothing when I told her. While a cat isn't the same as losing a spouse or a parent it's still a loss. I resented the fact she chose to say nothing. Even an a I'm sorry is better than stony silence. Just my opinion.
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A person lives, say for an example, 90 years.
Only 1/3rd is likely to be 'end of life care', at the most, on the average, if it happens that way.

2/3rds of their life is also gone when they pass. The part that was happy, productive, and enjoyable. The part we miss.

When I say, Sorry for your loss, it is about the loss of a person's whole life, not just at the end.

I understand how Polarbear may feel when someone's death is a welcome relief, not saying sorry for your loss, and struggling to know what should be said in those circumstances to comfort a person after such a difficult period of time.
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Youtube has changed in the last few days. They have got to stop this!

My bird and I were watching a relaxing bird video for budgies, meant for relaxing. In the middle, the screen went black, an advertisement came on by the Humane society: "Some people say this is a sport", and a video of a rhino
being shot, falling dead flashes before my eyes. Sound effects.

Turned off Youtube. I will be boycotting Youtube, because I cannot watch this kind of brutality. Will that help? Will they get the message, we just don't want to see that?
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Another Youtube change, you are scrolling to find something to watch as they have already selected what you can choose.

Then, you pause just a moment, and hear talking, talking from a program you would never select. Wait, who said that? It is playing without you clicking on the program.

NO, NO! NOOOOO!

Not friendly to the elderly!

For those of us who still like to choose, this is extremely disturbing!

It is going to scare any elderly with alzheimers, and confuse them.
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Imho, the words 'I'm sorry for your loss,' are meant to offer sincere respect for the receiver of such words since they have undergone the loss of someone dear to them. It is a customary courtesy in today's society. Again, this is just one individual's opinion.
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Gershun: When an individual I know loses a fur kid, I not only offer verbal condolences, but send a sympathy card to the person. And I was very sorry to hear of the passing of your dear cat. That was callous of your sister, IMHO.
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OB: Enjoy your retirement AND your retirement home.
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Helen4sure: I am sorry to hear of your sweetie's Alzheimer's. You can garner much support on this forum.
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ITTR: Thank you. I believe that she did appreciate it. Now mind you, I have been dealing with a chronic condition since June, but I'd had a good Thanksgiving day. I don't do anything to feel special, though.
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Llama, I thought it was callous of my sister too but then I thought of the source. This sister is a bitch at the best of times. 😏

You are always nice Llama.
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I feel that I need to clarify my comment about not feeling sorry when someone dies. I don't mean anyone and everyone, I mean only those whose deaths bring relief to themselves and others. Not everyone who dies is a good person or that it is a good thing for someone to continue living.. If you need reminders, go read the thread "Is it wrong to hope someone dies?" , or the thread about narcissistic and abusive mothers. Don't forget criminals, they do die too.

Some of you sound as if you're sorry when anyone dies and that it is a loss. That's not how I feel.
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Gershun,
Sorry for the loss of your dear cat. Hope you find peace and contentment with the memories of the little one. Animals are part of the family and we treasure them and love them. Sending you a big hug.
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I'm pretty sure I posted on the "Is it wrong to hope someone dies?" thread, I certainly questioned the life my mother was "living".

Yes there are many posts (too many) from people who seem to be caught up in dysfunctional family dynamics and are caring for abusers, the weird thing there is that often those are the people having great difficulty dealing with their loss.

And I do honestly feel sorrow for every death and loss; for the wasted lives, for the people who are so damaged they have rejected and damaged every opportunity to accept love and comfort from those closest to them.
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Happy Hanukkah to all of our Jewish friends and members.
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We've got feathery white flakes
gently falling down and
covering the ground.
It's a Winter Wonderland!



😭😭😭
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