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Chriscat,
Thank you for getting back to us, and answering my question about Merlin.
I did not see any sign of anger from you at receiving such a shocking letter with false accusations from what appears to be a really mean person. You must have been deceived and knocked for a loop by her words. Your good relationship with your Dad was just as you always thought it was, between the two of you. That was and still is the truth you need to accept.

The thing is, a narcissist (or other descriptions of evil) will take a grain of truth and twist it into lies and hateful accusations. Even though you are a smart person, you were vulnerable and took what your stepmother said as having credibility (when it did not), and was twisted lies.

Depression (which you describe so accurately with the symptoms of clinical depression) is often called 'anger turned inward'. The anger you might have felt for your stepmother was unexpressed. Your mind and body are amazing in the way it protects you from further harm. Anger turned inward. So glad you went for some help.

You can, and you are, rising above this assault towards you. Believe your therapist/counselors when they advise no direct contact. You may not be aware that a person like your stepmother can and will get to you through your husband. Maybe consider going full on no contact when you talk to your therapist. She may be dangerous to yourself and your family, it sounds like.

Depression is a major health issue. But you can be healed. I am sure of it.
As I write this to you, I wonder who am I to be trying to speak into your life, barely knowing you. Somehow, I hope this helps you. Time will help too.

Spend time with the people I know on here, who have walked the path.
You are a good person Chriscat! So sorry for your too many recent losses.
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Thanks Sendhelp, I think you've made some really accurate and helpful observations. Sometimes things are obvious but it takes another person to reveal them to you. You are right to say I did not show anger at the letter. That isn't my style, but I agree that instead feelings can turn inwards and cause depression. My DH thinks I have depression and has suggested I see a doctor, but my reluctance here is that I would rather avoid medication and would prefer to deal with it in other ways, such as counselling, if possible. Interesting that you question your own validity in dispensing advice to me as a relative stranger. I can tell you that in my experience I've had more kindness and insight from complete strangers than from my stepmother and her friends, during my father's final days, his death, his funeral and in the time since then. Sometimes that seems surprising and can be hard to deal with, but isn't that what places like this forum are about? We can speak about certain things and offer advice here, which for various reasons we are not able to do with our other family members, and we are all stronger as a result.
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Chriscat,
Maybe vitamin supplements can help.

Thank you for your supportive words, and your heart to share help, as well as receive help.

You can see a doctor, and explain you would like to avoid medication. A good doctor can advise you. If you have only received counseling, and not a diagnosis from a doctor, that may help.

Today is National Love your pet day! Wherever anyone lives, we can all get on board with that!

When a person breaks their arm, people rush to sign their cast and offer support. It is not like that with depression, except to rush the person to cheer up. But it takes time. Do not receive any criticism, instead, receive hugs!

Here are a few hugs....[[[[[[hugs!]]]]]] {{hug}} 🧸️🧸️
🧸️ bear hug
🧸️signing your cast.
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Chriscat I think Send has given great advice which I can't top. What I will say is you are doing the right thing having no contact with people who just add more strife into your already stress ridden life. Now is the time to take care of you.

I've had no contact with my siblings. Covid helped with that. No Christmas strife for the last two years. It's amazing how my perspective has changed. Every Christmas I would feel so depressed and after really angry. I've realized that it's not Christmas I hate. It's the way I felt after being with family.

I used to think it was me and somehow I was the problem. It's been since my mom's death that I have done some good prayer and soul searching and learned to avoid toxic people even if those toxic people are family.

Keep reaching out Chriscat. We all love you and want to help.
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((((((chris))))) Mother wrote nasty letters so I know how you feel . They can be pretty devastating. My dd got one and threatened to cut her grandmother off and never had another one, I finally stopped opening them and they stopped when she found out I wasn't reading them. My sons got them and backed away.

Send and gershun have nailed it well. Look after you even if it means going no contact. It's about protecting yourself. Don't doubt your relationship with your dad. She is trying to upset you. Counselling can be very helpful. Keep letting us know how you are doing

gershun - I am so glad you are seeing that the difficulties with your family are not you and that toxic people, even family, are to be avoided
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Good news - my daughter is home from hospital and feeling much better. Now she knows her weak spots and has to build herself up for the chemo session and take preventative action as much as possible.
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Chris: I am so sorry that you received such a shocking and hateful letter from your stepmother. Hugs.💝
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Went out yesterday for a few hours. Went to youngest grandson's ice hockey game. We went to a restaurant afterwards. I was worn out after the days activities, but it was nice to see something besides the NH. I'm anxious to move to Assisted Living and have my own larger living space. It would be nice to fix a sandwich for myself instead of having to ask someone for everything. Hope it will be in 4 months. I go tomorrow for x-rays, see the ortho guy and get a new cast.

Golden, Glad that your daughter is home from the hospital.
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Golden, glad your daughter is feeling better and also thx for your support and encouragement always.

Becky, I'm hoping for you that assisted living is soon so you can feel more independent.
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Good to hear DD is home, Golden.
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golden: Glad that your DD is home.💝
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Thank you for your support. It’s interesting and weirdly reassuring to read of others’ similar problems and experiences with poison letters and/or toxic behaviour. It’s not just me then! Send, you are right, I should see a doctor. Gershun, your absolute honesty to yourself about your family has clearly been good for you. My stepmother would always use the “family” argument to try to control me, as in, “ you have to do this, that or the other, because it’s family “. I think these people have a warped idea of what a family is, full of conflict, control and misery. Golden, it sounds like your family’s way of dealing with your mother’s nasty letters was an effective one, and shows how much self-respect your daughter and sons have, to reject this behaviour. It is still devastating though and must have been awful for you, seeing your children treated this way. I’m pleased to read that your DD is now home. By way of further support in this area I’m very pleased to report my dear cousin with pancreatic cancer is responding very well to chemo after initial surgery last year. The tumour is steadily shrinking and she is doing well. Becky, I can understand your frustration about your current lack of independence. Perhaps you can try to focus on what it will be like when you do move into an assisted living place rather than the difficulties now. I have often found this a useful technique to get through any frustrations in the current moment, by focusing on the end objective. Just in the past month I’ve had to use this technique at home. We needed roofing work done, so have had scaffolding up around the whole of the house, windows covered over to prevent damage, and a really dark house coupled with constant drilling and hammering for weeks on end. There has been no peace, some rooms have been unusable and it’s been unbearable. My mantra throughout this has been “ just 2 more weeks and it will be over”. I made this a rolling 2 weeks, to break the duration up into more manageable chunks. I was so relieved when everything was finished last week, the scaffolding was removed and I have my house, and daylight, back. Only just in time as it turns out, as the next day we had a really bad storm, the worst here (UK) in 30 years. Goodness knows what my stress levels would have been like if the work had still been ongoing, as I feel sure the scaffolding would have taken a hit. My neighbour’s house has had some storm damage and several trees came down locally, it was very scary.
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Chris: I do hope that you can get some sleep. Insomnia is the worst. I found melatonin to be of help. Hugs to you as try to let the wrath of your stepmother go as you must for your own health.💛
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Thanks Llama. I'm getting through an awful lot of books during periods of insomnia! "Wrath" is spot on to describe my stepmother's emotional state. I don't think her fury will ever recede, but I have to continue to step away from being the focus of this. It is really unhealthy and crushing.
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Nasty letters? Not from mom but nasty letters sent from each twisted sister to others. That is the passive aggressive ways of my origin family.

TS1 sent a packet, yes a packet on bullying to several family members, including to my mom's husband. I was caring for him and mom for four years, he had general decline but still very sharp. Mom lost in the depths of dementia. TS1 was angry because I was there helping them and thought it was a result of my bullying them that I was there. Twisteds really preferred their denial at that point and thought there were no dementia problems there and TS1 never visited or assisted. She lives about 5 miles away. She was afraid of me verbally assaulting her, the therapist!😂😂

TS2 sent letters to professionals that my mom had hired over the years. The list included the CPA, attorneys, doctors, etc. She was wanting to verify the extent of the dementia, whether mom needed care, what was appropriate care and the value of home care all the while telling these people what mistakes, as she judged, I had made in my life, including my first marriage 35 years earlier even some things that went back to high school. I found out about the TS2 letter because mom's husband showed it to me. He was hurt and astounded by the accusations made against me. He and I were very close.

The TS2 letter sent to the pros was given to me by mom's husband again after it was given to him by their CPA. Again the hurt for him. I scanned and sent that to TS2 and she was angry that someone had given it to me. Of course, I did not tell her where it came from.

Just a sampling of the craziness of my two twisted sisters. I haven't talked with TS1, the therapist in about five years now.

I should have posted this to the dysfunctional family thread. Ahhh, the memories.and the support I received from so many here when I needed it the most.💕💕
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Glad, I'm constantly amazed and horrified by what people are capable of, and wonder why they have to be so unpleasant. However, writing such letters offers tangible proof of their poor behaviour to others, and can be used to call them out. It seems to me that they are so caught up in their bitterness that they don't think about that. I gave a copy of my stepmother's latest poison to some of my aunts and uncles, without making any comment. Reading that stuff for themselves is far more powerful than me recounting it second hand. When my stepmother next tells them how awful I am, they will form their own judgements based on fact rather than fiction. I do think the various professionals you mentioned have seen every kind of poor behaviour there is, so were unlikely to take your sisters' letters seriously, but that doesn't reduce the emotional damage to you. For me, I don't know where this will end. My DH told the stepmother a long time ago to deal with him rather than directly to me, and for a while she complied, but I fear that now she has made direct contact things will escalate. I am thinking of seeking legal advice to take out an injunction against her to legally block contact. This would be expensive and I'm not sure she would even comply with that.
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CC, families! Even my attorney and mom's court appointed guardian said they had never seen such extreme dysfunction. The APS social worker, when I was investigated for financial exploitation, said that this was nothing but spite and vindictiveness on their part. Yes they reported me for financial exploitation! Of course there was nothing of the sort occurring. A court appointed conservator was to audit their accounts. I provided all receipts, kept them from the very beginning, nothing funny was found, conservator reported to the court, twisteds still did not believe it!

And then TS2 was driving me nuts, time and time again, asking for the one missing receipt that was $12 something cents!
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Glad, this behaviour often comes down to money. TS1 and 2 thought you were angling for a payout, or were going to help yourself, while you were caregiving, and had convinced themselves this was fact. The auditors proved it was salacious fiction, but I can't imagine the stress you were under while being investigated. Some years ago, when my father had a brief stay in hospital, my stepmother was giving everybody both barrels as usual. She needed to get some cash from the bank, so my DH offered to get some from the ATM for her with her card. She point blank refused on the grounds that it was a security risk as he might help himself to some money at the same time. My poor honest DH was so horrified at the accusation he was speechless and is still stung by it to this day. Nowadays my stepmother uses money as a weapon, and has threatened to cut me out of her will (which is 90% money from dad's estate) if I don't do as I'm told. I refuse to be controlled on the promise of a payout, and I don't need the money. What really hurts is how the financial legacy of my father's lifetime of hard work is treated with such contempt. He came from a poor rural family and had very little. He made his own way in the world, and whilst not rich, was considerably better off in retirement than he had been as a child. I just feel that what was left after a lifetime of hard work should be valued, not weaponised. I really hope she leaves it to my son or to a worthwhile charity rather than squander it out of spite.
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CC, the hardest part for me was the impact it had on mom's husband and the fact that my sisters thought so little of me and actually thought I would do what I was accused of and wanted to believe it.
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Glad, it's crushing to find members of your own family have so little value of you. I always say we should rise above it when treated this way, but that's easier said than done, and the emotional damage remains even with no contact.
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Got a new, lighter cast. X-rays showed good healing, but still a long way to go. My youngest grandson is with me for a bit. He ordered pizza for us from favorite place. It was pretty good. His other grandmother stopped by to visit for a bit.
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Becky you are so lucky to have so many family members from different generations who care about you and visit you. You must be one amazing lady.
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Chriscat and Golden, your posts about your family members are so sad. But I feel like you both do. I've been more hurt by behavior from family members than anyone else. I guess they can hurt you more cause you expect love, respect and understanding from kin.

I've tried so hard to stop dwelling on past hurts from family and yet I still find myself awake at night thinking about these things. The fact that they still don't think what they did was wrong really galls me. Things my older brother did when I was growing up would be considered abuse today. I remember once he literally dragged me out of a room by my collar. Purposely handed me a steaming hot plate. Those are the physical things. The mental abuse was much worse. Not just from him but all my siblings. Today, they wonder why I avoid them. Hmph!!
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Adding from my original comment that their are so many amazing, compassionate, selfless, and caring women and men on this forum. Even if their family members are buttheads.
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sp19690, I am lucky. My son and his wife are willing to help me and her mother, but they wanted us both in the same place. It works out fairly good. She's in the Assisted Living wing where I'll be eventually.
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Chris, Glad, Gershun, and Golden. 💜 This site has been invaluable for many to feel heard and supported in dysfunctional family situations. I see ya. And I'm glad you're here on AC -- for yourselves, others, and me. Thank you. Many wouldn't continue with ongoing, chaotic caregiving situations. I hope you're proud of yourselves (if for nothing else than not murdering sibs/parents haha), even if you feel/felt you had no choice due to childhood or circumstances, even if it comes up in your mind and and still hurts in the present though the worst is over.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Nietzsche was full of it. He was miserable and took his own life. What doesn't kill you might still give you PTSD. Take care of yourselves.

...

I keep forgetting today's my bday... then I look at the date. lol I'm busy with school and preoccupied. I wish I could have done something to celebrate -- dinner with friends was scheduled -- but I'm behind in school so that has to get caught up. I had some chocolates a bestie sent me🙂
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Happy birthday, Ali!

Golden you are sending that polar express down here again. Stop it! It is expected to last the rest of the week with slight warming on friday. And the winds!
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Happy Birthday Ali!!
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Happy Birthday, Ali. You can always celebrate later when you have time. 🎂🎂🎂
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glad - we must be sharing it. Cold, cold and winds here too. I am so ready for the end of winter!
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Ali: Happy Birthday.🎂
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