Countrymouse Posted November 2018
On My Mind
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Replacing the much lamented 'On My Mind' profile option, this thread is for musings, jottings, whimsies, preoccupations and the rest of the thesaurus for anyone to jot down anything they please.
I can't remember what the maximum character count was before, can anyone else? But anyway it wasn't very many so let's keep to that.
I use to say that I wanted, if I had to, go out like my grandmother, she was no longer home, like her soul left and her body didn't die and didn't know anything that was happening. My grandfather on the other hand, knew everything up until he closed his eyes for the final time, every surgery, every ailment, every fall, etc. I thought that was so scary and he must be very scared.
My 91 year old precious friend of many decades is losing her mind and she knows it. She doesn't say she is scared, she calls herself dumb and that just breaks my heart. She is not dumb in any sense of the word. She can't find words and memories are changing for her, the 1st makes her mad and she says she's dumb, the second never even hits her radar.
I guess I am just feeling very sad after spending the day with her and seeing so much decline. I see her often, I know she is being checked for UTIs and this is her brain, I hate that she calls herself dumb because I know where it comes from and I wonder if she is mentally back dealing with the abuse she suffered as a young lady. I always knew (believed) she would go out of this world knowing how strong, smart, capable, inspiring and loving she is and that seems like it isn't going to happen and that is so sad. I pray she doesn't decend into that reality entirely before The Lord takes her home.
Golden - I tried a very small morning dose of 5HTP a couple of years ago and thought my mood was brighter, but for some reason I couldn't find any low dose tablets this year so I went with a 200 mg extended release one once a day. I'm finally figuring out that when I take it I'm lucky to log 4 or 5 hours of sleep, crashing with 8 or 9 hours if I don't. Yeah, my mood is pretty shitty after poor sleep too 🙄
My dream of dying would be to drift off in my sleep.
I know what you are talking about when someone you love feels like they are dumb. Your story instantly brought back memories of my father. I was very close to my dad.
My father had heart surgery and he came through it okay but while he was recovering from surgery in the hospital he had a stroke.
He went from the hospital to rehab in a skilled nursing facility and then back to his home.
He needed speech therapy and since my mom couldn’t drive due to seizures and Parkinson’s disease, I drove him there and back home. He had to go three times a week. He and mom appreciated that I offered to help them.
One time on the way back to his house he asked me to stop by the store to get my mom a gallon of paint. I was puzzled. I said, “Paint? What kind of paint? What is mom painting?”
I called mom to figure out what daddy was talking about. My mom said, “No, I don’t need any paint. I told your father that I needed a gallon of milk.”
So, when I hung up the phone I told daddy that mom didn’t need paint but she needs us to stop and pick up a gallon of milk. Well, daddy says to me, “I’m stupid.” I had to hold back my tears while I was driving. I told him, “Daddy, you’re not stupid. You are mixing up your words because you had a stroke. It has affected your speech.”
I am sorry that your friend is struggling and I know that it hurts to see this occurring in her life.
My father improved some after his stroke but he was never quite the same man. He died many years before my mom did.
It broke my heart that my mom always blamed herself for his death. She said that she should have told him not to have heart surgery. I reminded her that daddy’s heart surgeon said that if he didn’t have the surgery that he would surely die.
It was shocking to mom that he had a stroke so soon after his heart surgery. I told her that having a stroke is one of the risks of surgery and that daddy knew the risks and opted to have surgery anyway because he definitely would have died without the surgery.
They were married over 50 years. She missed him terribly but managed to work through her grief.
I have a friend that lost her husband in 2009 and she is still wallowing in grief. It’s very sad. I have suggested therapy so many times but her answer is always the same, “They can’t do anything for me.” So I stopped telling her anything because she has proven that she isn’t interested in going.
My friend is troubled by more than grief. She had a tough life in her younger years. One thing that is bothersome is that whenever I mention a good memory that I had with my dad, she continuously says, “You were lucky. My dad died in a fire going back inside my house to get my doll because I was crying for it.”
She was only five years old when her house burned down. Of course, it’s tragic and I have told her repeatedly how sorry I am that she lost her dad so tragically, but I don’t know how to respond to her saying, “You were so lucky.” over and over, so I stopped sharing happy memories of my dad with her because it makes her sad and her comments make me feel guilty that I had my dad when she lost hers at five years old.
cw - Ah! There are several choices of 50 mg 5-HTP on Amazon.ca and a few on Vitacost, one even enteric coated. What dose were you looking for?
need - so sad. My dad in the early stages of dementia knew he was losing it too. He just wanted to be sure that all of us were OK when he was gone. He was a very considerate, courteous man right to the end. I am sorry about your friend. She certainly seems to be stuck in her grief and in need of help, but you can't help someone who doesn't want it.
We are having a milder spell of weather right now. Hope it lasts till I am moved. Just waiting on R to come up and finish his work here. So loving a pared down house.
She would have to let that go for therapy to help her.
I would have made a joke about mom being surprised to get a gallon of paint vs a gallon of milk. It would have been a great practical joke to play on her. :-)
Eventually, I think mom somewhat accepted that my father would have died much sooner if he had not had surgery. My mom would have benefited from therapy. She did understand others going but she wasn’t comfortable going herself.
That generation weren’t as open to therapy. There were stigmas attached to mental health concerns. She hid depression. When the nurse or doctors asked her about depression she would say that she would feel a little down sometimes but that is it.
There are risks in having surgery. It always creeps me out when reading and signing consent papers before I have surgery. I look forward to being sedated. Fortunately, I have never had any complications with anesthesia. I go out like a light very quickly!
I don’t know the exact stats. My dad died long before my mom died. It seems like a lot more women are left alone than men left alone. Women outlive the men.
If I am not in good health I don’t want to live to a very old age. I’d rather die before my quality of life deteriorated.
I often wonder about people who hallucinate. That’s so intriguing to me.
When my neighbor went into the hospital to have her hysterectomy she was given Demerol for pain. Her mom went to visit her shortly after her surgery.
She told her mom, “Come pick the beautiful pink tulips with me!” Her mother pushed the nurse button immediately to report the hallucinations.
My neighbor said that it was a beautiful hallucination of gorgeous tulips so she didn’t mind that she was hallucinating! LOL
Some hallucinations are fascinating and others are frightening. My mom started seeing a little girl before she died. She told us that she was dreaming at first but later on she said she was wide awake when she appeared.
What do you call ‘mild’ weather? Here it is in December and we are in the high seventies!
Not long ago it was cold. Our weather is crazy! The joke is, “If you don’t like the weather now, stick around for twenty minutes and it will change again.”
I understand the "you are lucky" part. I lost my dad, also tragically, when I was 12. I think because of the tragedy the loss is more pronounced. She wishes she hadn't wanted her doll so badly, I wish there was something I could have done for my dad. When I hear stories of fond memories of dads it is, I guess, a longing that my life would have been different, happier maybe, it dad had been in the picture.
Fathers Day is especially hard, so many wonderful stories and pictures of dads with their children. Maybe a yearning for that male figure we never had? I have been in therapy a number of times in my life and still struggle with it. The feeling will always be there.
Your comment about the pared down house made me smile because of a conversation I had with sister yesterday, she was saying she would like to get a new house and just leave all the clutter behind. That's funny because to some extent this is exactly what she has done all of her life, she can't part with stuff so she just moves on and leaves it for someone else to deal with.
I understand how you feel. I am sorry that you lost your dad so young.
A girl that I met in high school told me that she lost her dad at age eight. He had a heart attack while driving home from work and was found slumped over the steering wheel. The police informed the family of his death.
I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose a dad so young.
My friend who escaped the fire in her home had an especially hard childhood. It is extremely difficult for her to hear happy memories of other dads so I stopped sharing special memories about my dad.
At the same time she would ask me questions and when I answered them, she became very upset. I think she is curious about what it’s like to have a dad.
She was the oldest of three girls. She did blame herself for her father’s death when she was young. Of course, it isn’t her fault.
After the fire, her mother lost it. I mean really lost it and went into a mental hospital. After some time she was able to leave the hospital and eventually reconnected with her children.
The girls were placed in St. Elizabeth’s orphanage for a bit. She and her sisters weren’t always treated very well in the orphanage.
The younger sisters were so young so they don’t remember the fire like my friend does.
I think my friend grieves continuously for her husband because in a way he became a father figure to her. She hasn’t accepted his death. He had serious heart issues.
I have never had a problem with anesthesia. That must be awful.
Dreams can be very strange!
sometimes things get tough. courage. keep going!! :) :) here's a hug for whatever challenge you're going through right now.
glad - some losses never are completely resolved. Thankfully the few times I have had anesthesia I woke right up and was ready to go.
llama - Let me know if it works for you. Second night for me and it helped me get back into a deep sleep.
cw - I appreciate you wanted to shop locally. For me if it was a matter of my health I would shop wherever I could get it. How much longer before the week is up? Re leaving stuff behind I know someone like that and think it's not fair to give your problems to some one else.
Snow and more snow here and overcast, but not too cold. minus 15 C (5F)
The cat is none to happy with the colder weather. He likes to mice hunt in the attached garage, but he is getting a bit chilled. He comes in complaining asking us to do something about it, and do it now !!
I love these storms when I don't have to get out in them.
Went to Wally World got another Dutch oven. Now get to store for chili ingredients. Hope I can remember the recipe, books are packed. Make sure I have necessary storage containers and utensils to make it an serve it. Oh, and crud, a soup mug too!
I really need a distraction before I give myself a stroke ....... Grrrrrr 😡😡😡
Sounds stressful!
I hope they are able to remain on schedule and that the construction work will be completed as soon as possible.
I want the transporter too! I loved watching Star Trek as a kid.
I always wanted to be able to twitch my nose like Samantha on Bewitched! Or blink like Genie did on I Dream of Genie! LOL
I also wanted to have a nanny like Mary Poppins! I loved reading the book as a child and seeing the movie. The scene where she tidied up Jane and Michael’s room with her magic was so cute. I wanted her to come help me clean up my room! LOL 😆