Countrymouse Posted November 2018
On My Mind
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Replacing the much lamented 'On My Mind' profile option, this thread is for musings, jottings, whimsies, preoccupations and the rest of the thesaurus for anyone to jot down anything they please.
I can't remember what the maximum character count was before, can anyone else? But anyway it wasn't very many so let's keep to that.
The news is so tragic. So much loss.
Take good care.
This isn't their first rodeo, even if it is yours. Let them do their job and take some time to look after you. I'm sorry that dh is worse. This disease is dreadful. He may need some medication to calm him down. His routine has been upset by the move. Hopefully he will settle down some as he adjusts to his new situation.
One person (i.e. you) cannot do this job. Others share responsibility now. Give yourself a break. It must be very hard to hand over these duties after so many years of being the only one. Don't take on the future now. Just do one day, one hour at a time. Deep breaths, You can do it. Prayers for you and dh.
send - stay safe and that includes your emotional health. Fires are so destructive. Not sure that the snow would help. I wouldn't try it anyway.
I'm so sorry about the fires. I used to live in the Beach Cities in LA, and several friends in LA have been evacuated. It's scary. The high winds and dryness have caused so much devastation with these fires.
Psue, I'm so sorry. It's a tough thing to witness. I hope a neurologist or psychiatrist can help with symptoms. Behavioral approaches only go so far when the underlying cause is progressive neurological degeneration.
Thanks!
And thanks for everyone who commented. I was so 'otherwise focused' that I forgot about my ice packs that have helped. I was freezing ice in a cup to put a coin on top as a test if a power outage melted food in our fridge. (The coin will sink if it melts.)
*****
When a family member was in AL, he did need more help, but only at times.
There were staff employed there who could also be paid privately to watch over him, like a part-time caregiver would. The cost was low on a monthly basis.
There exists also a specialty of sitters for the elderly who go to peoples' homes,
to hospitals, and AL, other facilities. I don't recall their title, but just sit in the room, observe, and report to qualified staff. No caregiver qualifications needed keeps the cost low. Not sure, but some sitters are volunteers.
Talk to the staff about easing his adjustment by having someone watch your dH overnight if that is what he needs. Staff does take the family's input into consideration, so no need to suffer your concerns silently. They can also reassure you.
The staff may need to reassess his care needs, and will know this-it is their job.
Take good care Peasuep.
Yesterday I watched a bit of the funeral and then I watched two hours of the fires.
I feel a bit sick at my soul today. I mean this. A kind of vague nausea I'll try to walk off.
My daughter when a very young woman living in the Haight and working for Bill Graham, lost everything in SF Haight St's infamous fire. Her first apartment with two roommates, one who is currently her long-time hubby. She saved only her cats in a pillowcase, having stayed with firefighters shrieking at her back 3rd floor door as she tried to get the second of the cats out from under her clawfoot tub.
Everything, even all her baby and childhood pictures in an album I had made for her--gone. Back in the day when you had one picture, and couldn't be replaced really; she still talks about the snap of her dressed as CatWoman at Halloween.
Always a jewelry hound she had all my mom's old best costume jewelry. EVERYTHING gone.
It happened the middle of the night and she didn't want to call me, across the city, and awakenen me. They stood by the Red Cross coffee in on hand and a sack of unhappy cats in the other watched everything go.
But they were young, resilient, and it was an apartment. They had saved the living. Still, many decades later she remembers what it was to see your life go up in flames.
I don't mean to compare it to what I saw yesterday, which is so devastating it simply doesn't, for me, yet compute.
To any Californians--I need to know the BEST Charity. I'll find it, but if you know, let ME know. I can help, but I need to know it doesn't get dumped in some general fund-- but ALL goes here. Say what you will of insurance and their agents? I wouldn't want to awaken to this. It looks like a bomb was dropped.
The Red Cross way back then was VERY good to the kids. They gave hotel vouchers (tho they stayed with me) and a bed, and bedding, clothing vouchers. And if I recall, a first month rent when they found their new place. But I sometimes hear not good things anymore about RC. Don't know what to believe because we never hear good things at all about ANYTHING anymore.
This a.m. a pretty good little shake. Brief but good. Everyone here shrugging and saying "Of course.....earthquake".
N. says we've had everything but the plague of locusts. So watch for them. Keep a big flyswatter handy.
Everyone dealing with illness please hang in there. I know you are busy "dealing". My thoughts out to you while you do.
If you don't see me a few days, just know I might take a break from more "bad news" for a day of so?
My love out to this community and its supportive ways.
I know this is the facility staff’s job and not mine anymore. I’m also beginning to understand why some facilities (not this one) discourage family visits for the first couple weeks until they can ascertain the correct level of care needed although I don’t think I could have complied. I hope DH’s behavior last night made things clearer for them although I wish his daughter could have been eased into this a little more gently. I’m going in today to find out what the medication protocol should be and whose job is it to figure that out.
I feel so bad for him and for every single person who cares for him now. I know the staff are underpaid and overworked. I know his family has been under-informed - my fault entirely. I know I did the right thing for myself by placing him but I’m not sure I did the right thing for him, he is just such a mess.
Thanks for listening to me. You’ve been very generous with your support and advice at a time when so many of you are going through illness and tragedy and heartbreak of your own. I appreciate you all.
Do not second guess this placement . You had no choice . It was not safe for you at home , therefore it was not safe for him either . Had DH ever knocked you down unconscious , then he would have had no supervision .
When you are in the the thick of things it is very common to keep trying to see how they are capable because you want to keep them home . This is no reflection on how much or how little information you gave his family . It was not a deliberate attempt to keep them in the dark . You yourself are just realizing how much more care your DH needs . It is common to realize after the fact that you “ cover “ for them .
You have done a tremendous job . You are not responsible for his illness , for how he is suffering or how his family suffers over this . None of this is any fault of yours.
What you are feeling is grief over things that you can not fix .
An analogy comes to mind. Think of surgery, which is very painful immediately but the body adjusts eventually and in the long run it is worth it. The analogy breaks down, of course, as there is no healing afterwards in this disease. But the disease can be such that the "surgery" of moving to a facility is necessary. You have managed your hub and the disease wonderfully for some time, but the inevitable decline has brought some unmanageable changes that need professional care. Likely, and possibly with the aid of medication, and a new routine your dear hub will settle down. I know it is horrible to view the devastating effects of the disease on him.
Sometimes the options we have are not great - just one is better or even necessary compared to the other. His family will or will not adjust - not your problem. If anything, IMO, they should be a support to you right now!
Way is right - you have much grief right now and need time and space to process it. We are here for you as you go through this and eventually build a new normal for yourself. It's hard work but you can do it.
I'm just scared bc change is change and is stressful even if it's "good". Mom is on oxygen now. Still uses feeding tube for meds and two of her 4 meals. Dad manages most of it. She's anxious a lot. Never feels very good tho can still do all her ADL's. Dad is very very OCD and has a pretty good routine where they are now, gym right upstairs. It's so much to think about managing this move back for them and wondering how much longer will they be able to live alone? Dad seemingly fine physically but caring for mom taking a toll tho I am there daily 3 to 4 hours so he can go to the gym, errands etc. He's a lot with his ruminating and obsessive nature.
Will be hiring help to clean for them and a p/t person to be with mom in the afternoons (I'm anxious about getting that accomplished) as dad will need to be out more (gym is important for him), no more just running upstairs while mom is ok for an hour downstairs. If he's out and about in the car without me or someone there she will have an anxiety attack.
They've been in a 55+ community during this time. Not assisted living. I've handled that, they can't afford to stay there and I can't continue to pay for it. They don't want to stay there anyway even tho it's very nice. It's not "home".
Anyway, I know things will work out, this move will happen and hopefully they will settle into a routine "back home". I'm extremely anxious about it all. Not showing it in front of them tho.
Ok so that's what on my mind. I'd better meditate now.
So, what’s the worst that could happen? If you overlooked something (which I doubt) or if some new obstacle pops up, you are clearly more than capable of handling it. From where I sit, your parents are incredibly lucky and you are amazing.
DH continues to struggle. He can’t understand where he is or why I am not there with him. The staff has been wonderful but it’s been a week and he needs to start showing some signs of adjustment.
The other residents are pulling for him too. That part has really touched my heart.
Peasuep I've been following along and I truly believe with my heart and soul that what is right for you is also right for your dear one. ❤️. Be very kind to yourself, you deserve it.
The PC PA chose to lecture the facility about the importance of hydration, exercise and puzzles….PUZZLES! for those in cognitive decline!
I am so angry that if that little twit was within reach I would drag him by the ear over to the facility to spend a little quality evening time with his patient! In the meantime, I could use some of those calming meds, myself.
Obviously your dh's doc doesn't have a clue. I do hope by now or soon your dh gets some calming meds. The adjustment to this change can take a week or months depending on all kinds of factors. Sounds like he has lots of support and caring people (except his doc) around him, This can only help. I think I would have a face to face with the doc and demand some meds (that's just me). If they are not forthcoming ask the facility to recommend a competent dr you can switch to. You need someone for him who understands this disease better. As always - look after you. You are your dh's major advocate.
Since I got that ridiculous message after hours I stewed on it a bit and sent a pretty heated message back telling him I was almost speechless with his lack of compassion but would not remain so for long.
I got a call from the triage nurse early this morning offering DH an appointment today - which I cannot take, (it’s elder law appointment day) and shouldn’t have to take if the PCP would just pick up the phone like a big boy and ask the neuropsychologist why the diagnosis is taking a month. I don’t even care if the supporting documentation is published until June, he should be able to give his findings in a second so the correct meds can be prescribed if that’s even what the problem is! I’m not looking to drug him into a stupor, I just want the facility staff to be able to take the evening edge off so he and everybody else can get some rest!
Yes, when we get through this I definitely will be looking into another PCP, maybe a geriatric physician if I can find one. This is ridiculous and I’m starting to cry in front of strangers which I’ve NEVER done! It weakens my position.
I hope you and yours are well and your nephew’s school situation is getting resolved. The injustice of it all is staggering.
Bon voyage if I don’t get a chance to say it again! I bet you’re getting those lovely butterflies about now!
Did not read all of it yet.
Just to let you know thinking of you and I am sorry for all you are going through.
There is no words to describe all those I encountered like you as well with one stupid advice after another.
Need an exercise class or online individual instructor.
My dH lost his Silver Sneakers class when he changed his health insurance.
Cwillie, do you still have a name, and is it free online?
That is the coolest story!
Keep up the good work, so amazing.
Keep talking in public, ha ha ha .
Oh, I just saw that silver sneakers has a channel there too!
Minding my own business really, when Carvana raised my car value to $2,300, sending me an email.
Never never will I ever shop for a car at a dealership. It is so rude to be left in a cubicle while the salesman goes to 'ask' his manager to approve your 'deal',
Last time I walked out while they had me waiting. They tried to sell me a new pick-up truck without air conditioning, saying it could be installed later. Little did they know, I was only shopping for a mobile air-conditioner on wheels, not a car.
So, instead, I shopped at a local well-known gathering of car sales, like a car swap meet. They put buyers and private sellers together. I never went to the swap meet, (you could see and track the cars online), but met the seller at my bank, which turned out to be his bank too! In an hour, I owned the car, financed through my bank.
One time, my best car deal yet, I took the phone number off a car driving down the freeway. My two friends were yelling at me: "You can't buy a car driving down the freeway!." But I did, and met the driver at the DMV-the son of a "little old lady"
selling his mother's car that had very few miles. Would like to have that 1981 Toyota Camry today.
Just checked the Autofair online, thinking if we ever need to evacuate, a Class B RV would be great!
Another story - once mother had been diagnosed with vascular dementia and had accepted taking an antipsychotic to help with the hallucinations, she was moved to a suitable facility. After she had been there a few months she told her doctor she was depressed and needed an antidepressant. He gave her one and it helped her QOL. I did some reading and apparently depression is not an common part of Vasc D. It rather bothered me that she at 100 with vascular dementia had to self diagnose in order to get appropriate medication.
I could tell you stories about me going to a doctor and telling them firmly what I needed because they hadn't figured it out. It's not surprising that I don't trust doctors much.
That being said there are doctors who do a good job. I know that. Hope you get one soon. Meanwhile trust your gut. No one here thinks you are trying to turn your dh into a zombie. He just needs some meds to calm him down. His poor brain is broken and understandably he is having trouble coping with change.
Try to get enough sleep, eat properly and keep hydrated. If you need a little meds to help you cope right now, that's OK. That's what they are there for. (((((((hugs))))
send - I don't understand your problem with waiting in the car salesman's office while he gets the deal approved by his superior. It's part of the process.
cw - I have found that buying from friends in not a good idea. However, I did buy mother's car when she stopped driving, but she was family and I knew the car well.
In Fort Mc I found a good salesman at one dealership and bought a gently used car (demo) from him. It was great. 10 or so years later I went back to him and did it again for my present car which is 10 years old now, but has much less mileage for it's age since I retired and drive much less. It's still working very well and I don't plan on replacing it.
Nacy - I missed saying "Bon Voyage". Hope you and hub are having a great time!